Amanda gulped. Her hand tightened on Josh’s forearm for a moment. She looked to his face, found some reassurance in his steady gaze.
“Just one, Rudy,” Josh said, without taking his eyes off her.
“Of course,” Rudy said agreeably, offering his arm to Amanda.
She took his arm and let him tug her onto the small dance floor, managed not to shudder when he put his hand at her waist. She put one of her hands in his, the other at his shoulder, finding herself just a bit too close for comfort as they began to move to the music.
“My friend seems quite taken with you, my dear.” Rudy smiled down at her. “You’ve known each other for a long time?”
“Yes,” Amanda said.
If she could get by with one-word answers, she might make it through this. Rudy turned her around, and she caught sight of Josh watching broodingly from the corner of the room. Automatically her gaze sought and found his.
“I understand you are employed by a division of the Commerce Department?” Rudy said. “As a…translator?”
Amanda faltered for a moment. “I’m just a secretary.”
Rudy nodded. “And you’ve had a difficult year, I understand. I’m so sorry.”
Amanda stiffened, but said nothing. Maybe it was smarter not to.
“I heard about your fiancé,” he confided. “Such a tragedy, especially for a man so young, a woman as lovely as you.”
Again she said nothing. It was all she could do to keep dancing, to keep from pulling away from him and running from the room. He knew about Rob?
“You should know, my dear, I would never condemn a man for doing what he felt he had to do,” Rudy said. “A man, or a woman.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Well, a woman such as yourself… So beautiful. I’m sure you love beautiful things as well. And, forgive me, my dear, but I understand your fiancé’s unfortunate death has left you in a bit of a financial bind. His assets being frozen for so long, including the house the two of you purchased together. I’m sure it’s been a strain to handle that kind of burden all by yourself.”
Amanda stopped dancing altogether, nearly stumbling over his feet.
“I believe the foreclosure notice on the house will be going out in the next week?” he asked. “What a shame.”
“I’m selling the house,” she said. “As soon as I can. Everything will be fine.”
“Of course,” Rudy said, so smoothly. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I hope you believe me about that. I merely wanted to offer to help, if I may?”
“Help?” she choked out.
“Yes. As I said, my friend seems quite taken with you, and I believe you and I could be quite useful to one another.”
“Useful?” she repeated.
“Josh and I do business together on occasion. We even find ourselves wanting the same thing at times. And any slight advantage can work to a man’s favor in business. I might find it useful, for instance, to know when he might be leaving town. Where he might be going. That sort of thing. You could tell me about those things, couldn’t you, my dear?”
“I’m not sure,” she said.
“Well, the two of you are living together. Surely you would know if he was leaving town. I would think he might even take you with him on occasion. It seems hard for him to part with you, even long enough for the two of us to enjoy our little dance. It’s quite touching, really. In fact, he’s coming this way right now. I think he’s going to steal you away from me.”
Good, Amanda thought, ready to turn and run.
“Think about what I’ve said.” Rudy slipped a business card into the tiny purse clutched in her hand. “You can call me anytime. And, my dear?”
“Yes,” she said.
“Unlike the other men in your life, I won’t get caught.”
She gaped at him. It was all she could do. She hated having him touch her, even to hold her hand in his, and she just couldn’t move.
He put his free hand to the side of her face in much the same way Josh had earlier, Josh whom she adored and Rudy Olivara who scared her to death. Rudy cupped her chin, turning her face up to his.
“You look so innocent, my dear. It’s truly remarkable. I can see that a man would never suspect you of betraying anyone.” He waited. “You will help me?”
She shuddered at his touch and said, “I’m not sure if I can.”
Because that’s what she was supposed to say, and this was what she had to do, no matter how much she hated it. This was what Rob Jansen had done to her. He’d put her in a position where people like Rudy Olivara thought they could buy her loyalty, that she would betray the people with whom she worked for money.
“Ah,” Rudy smiled and turned her over to Josh. “Here she is. Safe and sound.”
It was all a blur after that. She and Josh danced, and then he hustled her off to the waiting limousine. He said something to the driver about taking the long way back, and then he tucked her into the spot she liked so much, with her head against his chest, his chin by her temple, his arms wrapped snugly around her.
“He knew,” she murmured, sinking into the warmth and reassurance of his embrace.
“I know. I heard. You did just fine, Amanda.”
“I hated it,” she complained.
Josh dropped a light kiss on her forehead. “I know, Amanda. Try not to think about it right now, okay? Just try to relax.”
His hand stroked lightly up and down the middle of her back. His jacket had fallen open, so her face was against his shirt, the heat from his body radiating through it, the ends of his suit coat coming around her as well. It was like her own private cocoon. She wanted to crawl inside and hide, snuggling into that warm, safe spot.
“Everything’s better when you’re close,” she confessed.
“Then stay right here. I don’t mind.”
So she did. She stayed there huddled against him and tried to block out every bad, scary thing in her life at that moment, which was just about everything. Everything but him.
Chapter 9
Thirty minutes later, Josh and Amanda were back at the office, Amanda feeling a bit like Cinderella after the clock struck midnight. Josh had a debriefing, and Amanda had to surrender not only her jewelry—complete with the sophisticated listening devices—but was supposed to give up the shoes and the beautiful dress, as well.
The fairy godmothers of the wardrobe department at Division One had transformed her into someone else entirely tonight, a woman she hardly recognized, and while she and Josh certainly hadn’t been to a ball, it had been quite different than anything she’d ever experienced in her life. A glamorous, dangerous, exciting night. As frightened as she’d been, it had all been a grand adventure, and she was sad now to think of having to go back to her real life.
She’d been living in the blackness inside her house, hiding away from the rest of the world and feeling miserable and alone for so long. Until Josh had come along and dragged her out of there.
One day soon, he’d take her back and leave her there. She panicked just a little, thinking about him leaving her in that deep, dark void her life had become. She hated the way things had always been, she realized. Even the way things had been before Rob, when she still had her illusions, had left a lot to be desired. Her normally utterly dull, safe existence, a cautiousness that had led her to draw away from life so many times she couldn’t even count them all, had caused her to miss out on so many things, things she deeply regretted now.
Being cautious and careful had kept her from doing anything—from living—and she was tired of it.
Mostly she was worried about Josh. She couldn’t imagine letting him go now. She felt that something vital and wonderful and impossibly right was about to slip through her fingers, that she was about to lose a chance she would never have again. That the absolute best part of her life was slipping away, right now.
She’d thought she would regret letting herself be with him, but it was just the opposite. What she would
truly regret was never being with him at all, never taking this chance.
She’d already given back the jewelry, but she stared at the woman in the mirror in a dress slit to halfway up her thigh that molded itself to every inch of her body. A dress like none she’d ever worn before, like nothing she’d likely wear again, and she felt like a totally different woman. Like a woman Joshua Carter would take out on the town. A woman he’d dance with and take back to his beautiful apartment and lock the door behind them.
For days. Weeks, she thought optimistically. Maybe even months. She might well have months with him. He’d offered her six the night before.
Six months with Josh, she thought, shivering a bit.
She imagined having his undivided attention, his enthusiasm, his exuberance, his zest for life. His charm and his smile. His undeniable skill as a lover. For six months. A streak of pure sensual heat went zinging through her body. The clock hadn’t struck midnight yet. Maybe she could find a way to keep this new version of herself. The woman who wasn’t so very sad, so quiet, so introverted, so alone. She could reach out with both hands and grab on to Josh and everything he had to give, which would be so much more than she had now.
She walked through the all-but-deserted office, paused at the door to his office, her insides twisted into knots, and finally knocked.
“Come in.” He turned around and he went absolutely still. Her heartbeat kicked up a notch. He came to stand in front of her, his gaze raking over her, a blast of heat in his beautiful, blue eyes. “What are you up to?”
There was a stillness to him, an intensity that unnerved her. She felt again that odd sensation of everything spinning out of control.
She was thinking of having an affair with one of the most beautiful men she’d ever seen. A brief, steamy, illicit affair, that was all about pleasure. All about him finding out what she liked and giving it to her. He claimed once that he wanted to spoil her. No one had ever spoiled her before, indulged her. She’d always been too down-to-earth for that. A simple woman with simple tastes, simple wishes and dreams. Not anymore. Her tastes had turned lavish. She wanted him.
Now or never, she told herself.
“I’ve been thinking that I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life,” she told him, her voice odd and tight.
“We all have, Amanda.”
She nodded. He was always so accepting of that, so ready to understand and to forgive her. She needed that, she realized, needed him to understand and to forgive, and she wondered how he had known just what she needed.
“I don’t want to make another mistake. All these years, I’ve always tried so hard to do what’s right, and somehow I’ve messed it all up.”
“But things are going to get better,” he said.
“I think maybe they are. For a long time, I wasn’t sure. But I have hope now. That I can change, make something good of my life. And I have you to thank for it,” she said sincerely.
“You’re welcome,” he said. But he still hadn’t touched her.
She stood there feeling suddenly foolish in her borrowed dress, all her inhibitions showing. Finally she blurted out, “Josh, would you hold me?”
He tugged her to him. She let her head fall to his shoulder, desperately aware of him, as she had been that morning, lying in the bed, with him watching her from the doorway, eating her up with his wicked gaze. It was amazing how potent a mixture he was, comfort and sexual heat, warmth and strength, patience and gentleness coupled with tender care. How was she supposed to resist all of that, all wrapped up in one disarmingly beautiful man?
“I always want this,” she sighed. “It always feels so good.”
He laughed, nuzzling his chin and his cheek against her forehead. “You’re just feeling a little shaky now that everything’s over. It’s like that when all the adrenaline stops pumping and your body finally slows down.”
“No, it’s not just that. It’s you. It always feels good to touch you.”
“You’re lonely, Amanda. A woman like you shouldn’t be all alone. Believe me, you won’t be for long.”
“Maybe,” she said. “Maybe not.”
He frowned, looked down at her, turning all serious on her. “What’s wrong?”
“I was thinking about you and all you’ve done for me. Honestly, Josh, I don’t know which I need more—you as my friend or my lover.”
He took a breath and said carefully, “It’s not an all-or-nothing deal.”
“No?” She thought he could either be her friend, maybe for a long time, or her lover, for a brief time. When that was over, he’d likely still flirt with her, still make her laugh. He’d find that easy blend of friendship and flirtation he adopted with all women and use it with her. But it was bound to be awkward, especially if she couldn’t keep her feelings for him under control.
“I care about you, Amanda. Nothing’s going to change that. Whether or not we ever become lovers, I’ll still care about you. I’ll still be your friend.”
She held on tighter, knowing she wouldn’t be able to cling to him like this, to come running to him with her problems. It would make him uncomfortable. He might feel an obligation to her, one he would come to resent in time. Which meant she had to choose. Much as she liked the gentleness with which he held her, the soft play of his hand at her back, she knew there was so much more he could give her.
“I’ve never been any good at risk taking,” she said. “I think too much and hang back, watching and waiting. But now, I’m thinking…why bother being so careful? Or following all those silly rules?”
He backed away, just enough to look at her. “You might notice, I’ve been following the rules here? With great difficulty. I haven’t laid a finger on you without an explicit invitation.”
She smiled up at him. Getting really brave and letting her hands slide down his shoulders to the midpoint on his chest, under the soft wool suit he wore, to his shirt. She pressed her palms flat against his chest, stroking up and down, suddenly fascinated by the movement of his chest and shoulders as he breathed. He closed his eyes, bent his head toward hers, their foreheads pressed together, noses nudging against each other. She swallowed, her lips parting, their breaths mingling.
“Do you have any idea what you’re doing?” he muttered.
“No,” she admitted. “Did I do something wrong?”
“Not wrong. But you might want to be careful, Amanda.”
“Why?”
He shifted slightly, finding the edge of the desk and leaning against it. He spread his legs wide to either side of hers. “This is why.”
She let herself lean into him. The angle was different. She was much closer, and this time she felt it. He was aroused. Amanda gasped. Her eyes flew open.
“You can’t be all that surprised. And you don’t have to worry. I’m not going to turn into a madman.”
She blushed furiously.
“Although I can’t vouch for any other man you try this with,” he added.
Flustered, she said, “It happened so fast.”
“It happens every time I get near you.”
She trembled at the point where their bodies met, at that curiously pleasing pressure. Despite how matter-of-fact he was about the whole thing, she couldn’t help but be embarrassed, couldn’t help but imagine all sorts of things. Like what it would feel like to be in a bed with him on top of her, skin to skin, his body pressing into hers this way. She thought about touching him, thought about her hand on his chest, on the smooth, tender skin of his abdomen, his thighs, thought about touching him in the most intimate ways of all.
Heat flooded her cheeks, her courage failing. She hadn’t even kissed him, she realized. He hadn’t so much as kissed her. She’d just waltzed in here and held on to him for a minute, and now that she thought about it, he’d held her a number of times.
“It hasn’t happened before,” she claimed. “I mean, I haven’t—”
“Believe me, it’s happened.” He put his hands on her hips, pulling her up against him, clos
ing his eyes and sighing with pure pleasure. “Amanda, if I’d known you’d snuggle up against me this way, I wouldn’t have tried to hide it from you. But I had this odd idea it would make you uneasy, so I’ve been careful.”
“Oh,” she said. That made sense. She understood.
“What do you want, Amanda?” he groaned.
“S-six months.” She stammered. “Can I still have six months?”
He went curiously still. “You’d regret it.”
“I don’t think so.”
“You look as though you’re scared to death of the whole idea.”
“No,” she claimed. “Just a little nervous.”
Josh blinked down at her, as if she’d lost her mind. She thought for a minute he was going to push her away, that she would lose all the delicious heat and strength and need, that she would never have it, never have him.
“It would be a mistake,” he said, as if he was considering it, anyway.
“Then it wouldn’t be the first one I’ve made, and I don’t think it would be the worst, either.”
Her heart threatened to pound its way right out of her body if it beat any harder. She was suddenly hot and cold all over and clinging to him, wanting this so much, yet nervous. But she knew him; she trusted him; and she couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone but him.
“I’m tired of being careful, Josh. I’m tired of being cautious and scared. I’m tired of pushing people away. I’m tired of waiting. I always used to think I’d wait and be so good and so careful, and someday, I’d have everything I wanted. I thought I’d find a man, a good man, who wanted to marry me and have children with me and build a life with me. I thought that’s when my life would begin.”
“It will,” he insisted.
“I don’t know if that man’s ever coming, and even if he is, I’m tired of waiting for him. I’m tired of waiting for my life to start. I want now. With you.”
He stared down at her, a hard stamp of satisfaction on his face. “I’m not husband material. I told you that. This is not going to end in marriage.”
Cinderella and the Spy Page 13
