by Craig Birk
Chapter Eleven
Breakups
6:08 p.m.
“Then we’re through. And you’re fired!”
– Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld
Mike forgot to call shotgun on the way out of the restaurant, and the seating arrangements remained unchanged from the first leg of the trip. Alex followed the signs back on to Highway 15 north toward Barstow. He briefly rolled the windows down, as the inside of the BMW had become quite hot while they were inside the restaurant, even though the sun was now hanging low in the sky. As they pulled onto the freeway a blue Aston Martin flew by in the fast lane. A plastic-looking hot blonde was sitting in the front seat. Alex, Mike and Gary were all thinking some variation of jealous curses directed at the guy driving the car. Roger didn’t notice and was happily packing a dip in the back seat. After Roger was done, Alex decided to take one also. He always found a Kodiak most enjoyable right after a meal, especially a nice greasy one. He readied the empty In-N-Out cup he had kept for a spitter and rolled up the windows, satisfied that the air conditioner was now sufficiently working.
Mike thought about throwing in a dip but decided against it because it sometimes made him queasy. “That girl at the In-N-Out really was cute, wasn’t she?” he remarked.
Alex agreed, “Yes, little Tara was quite a biscuit. You really should have asked for her number.”
Gary switched the topic. “You know what I have always wanted to do?” he asked rhetorically. No one acknowledged him, but he provided the answer anyways. “I have always wanted to fuck a girl wearing one of those Hot Dog on a Stick uniforms,” he announced decisively.
Roger found this humorous and almost coughed up a mouthful of chew spit. “Nice, G-Balls. That would be hot. Then afterwards you could share a corndog and lemonade together.”
Mike did not find any of this amusing. “I am glad hot dogs excite you morons sexually,” he said.
A thought entered Alex’s mind. His eyebrows furrowed and he looked to his right toward Gary. “Dude, I just realized, aren’t most girls who work at Hot Dog on a Stick like fifteen years old? I think you really might have a problem.”
“Save it,” was the only response he got.
Without thinking, Gary stuck his hand down his pants and scratched his balls, then remembered something. “Hey Alex, didn’t you date a chick who worked at one of those street-side hot dog stands?” he asked.
Alex: “Um, oh yeah. No, no – it was a one-dollar taco truck. She was a hot little Mexican number. I think she was the only Mexican chick I have ever been with.”
Mike: “Must be, considering you don’t have any kids yet.”
Alex: “Very funny, jackass.”
Gary: “Seriously, Alex, you must actually care sometimes. Have you had any breakups that hurt?”
Alex: “Well the other night I had a dream that I was double-teaming Kournikova and Sharapova and then I woke up. That was a pretty painful dose of reality.”
Mike: “Are you sure that wasn’t Roddick and Federrer?”
No one laughed because it was a stupid comment. After a ten-second pause Alex began to speak again. “Seriously though, when Stephanie and I broke up, I was pretty messed up for a while.”
Mike: “Oh yeah, I remember that. You were deep into the Jim Beam for a good six months.”
Gary: “Six months isn’t bad. Isn’t the general rule that it takes half the amount of time you go out to recover? You guys went out for almost two years, right?”
Alex: “Yeah, just over two. She was a good one.”
Gary: “I forget. Why did you guys break up, anyway?”
Alex: “My cock was too big. I kept bottoming out.”
Gary: “Asshole.”
Alex: “Seriously, I don’t really know what the problem was. I think it just got to the point where we had to take the next step and we were both too scared to do it so we just broke up.”
Mike: “Time to shit or get off the pot.”
Roger: “More like Alex realized he may have to deal with only one pussy for the rest of his life and ran to the hills.”
Alex: “No. It really wasn’t like that.”
Gary: “How so?”
Alex: “Well, I don’t know. She was awesome, but I just don’t know. Something else wasn’t right.”
Gary: “Like what?”
Alex: “I don’t know. One thing I do know is about two weeks after we broke up she took off to Europe with some other dude. She said it was just a friend and all, but really, who goes to Europe with a friend of the opposite sex?”
Gary: “You think she was cheating on you?”
Alex: “No. Well, I don’t know. Probably, I guess. It just seemed really weird. I don’t know. I still think about her sometimes, but I am pretty sure I am better off that it didn’t work out. It was too soon and I wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on everything else.”
Mike: “That’s the thing about bitches. They are all just monkeys. They don’t let go of one branch until they have a firm grip on another one.”
Notorious B.I.G. took over the conversation through the speakers and let everyone know,
“I love it when you call me big pop-pa
Throw your hands in the air, if youse a true player
I love it when you call me big pop-pa
To the honies gettin money playin niggaz like dummies
I love it when you call me big pop-pa
If you got a gun up in your waist please don't shoot up the place
Cause I see some ladies tonight who should be havin my baby . . .
Bay-bee”
Roger interrupted the deceased rapper: “Can we check if the Stanford game is on?”
Alex ignored the request. “In any case, at a certain point it is usually better to move on anyway,” he said as he picked a small booger out of his nose with his left hand. He rolled the booger between his left thumb and forefinger and then dropped it on the floor between his legs.
Gary: “At some point you are going to need to quit being such a pussy.”
Alex: “I am a pussy because I like to get pussy?”
Gary: “Basically, yes. You are just scared to commit. Don’t get me wrong, I can see the benefits of being single, but even you admitted something is missing.”
Alex: “You may be right, but, no offense, being married just seems stupid. I mean, what is the point of making a legal commitment that doesn’t really change anything except that you can be fucked out of half of your money? Why can’t people just commit to each other in their hearts instead of depending on the government to tell them it is official?”
Mike: “Wow, you really are a romantic.”
Alex: “Seriously though, what are the benefits?”
Gary: “It is okay. I mean in some ways it is nice to have the comfort of just knowing that you are with someone and you will always be connected.”
Mike: “Okay, that is pretty much bullshit. Almost everyone cheats and you never know when your significant other will deem you insignificant, regardless of your marital status.”
Gary: “The statistics say only one in four married people actually end up cheating.”
Mike: “That is like saying only one in every million boys will grow up to be in the NBA. It isn’t because they don’t want to play for the Lakers. It is because they can’t. Did you ever notice how almost every movie star or athlete ends up cheating eventually. It is because they can.”
Gary: “So, what, you have to be famous for someone to want to sleep with you?”
Mike: “No, but it makes it a lot easier. Of course most people can find someone to have sex with, but it isn’t going to be anyone good looking so there probably isn’t much point.”
Gary: “Well, I can’t opine on people’s hypothetical affairs, but the bottom line is marriage gives you a permanent stability.”
Mike: “Tell that to the fifty-plus percent of the people who get divorced.”
Gary: “Yeah, that is a good point. But even so, if you want a decent chick to commi
t to you and to have kids with you, then she needs to have some assurance that you are going to stick around. Marriage gives her that. All I am saying is from the girl’s perspective, they can’t take the risk of having some dude impregnate them and then bail on them and leave them broke with the kids.”
Alex: “Fair enough, but what about all the times the dude gets fucked? I think marriage is a relic of a time when it made more sense. In the old days, the rich people had to marry to join forces with other families of power to stay on top. The peasantry couldn’t finance a decent single lifestyle anyway, so there really was no reason not to get married. Nowadays, it is a scary proposition. I have seen some awful situations at work. One of my buddies there, who is only thirty-five but has a huge book, married his college sweetheart. Really romantic, right? Except when they were twenty-eight and he was pulling close to a mil a year the chick realizes she could take half of what he makes and also half of what they saved. So suddenly this broad, who had not even worked in a few years, decides she wants to live in Paris and be an artist. The dude tried to be supportive and got her an apartment in Paris to do the long distance thing, but of course this was doomed. After a few months she started fucking the waiter from the corner café and filed for divorce. Got six hundred grand in cash plus half of his salary for four years. The dude did nothing wrong.”
Roger: “Sometimes I wish I was a chick. I wouldn’t mind marrying some dude and sticking it out for a few years and then just chilling.”
Gary: “Good plan, Rodge. Yeah, look, these things happen. I am scared all the time that I am going to come home and find Blair with the gardener, but you can’t let fear prevent you from moving forward. Sometimes you have to trust.”
Alex: “Yeah, maybe, but this doesn’t seem smart. Divorce is a big fucking problem that I don’t want to deal with. It makes people crazy. Another guy from work got in this huge battle over assets and they got insane. He had some old vintage Ferrari that was his favorite thing in the world so the chick told her lawyer to go after the car. Anyway, every cent was fought over and the chick ended up getting the house, the Ferrari, and some amount of cash. She even got custody of the dog, one of those fluffy white Maltese things. So this is where it gets wacky. The rumor is, and I don’t know for sure if it is true or not, but what people say, is that the guy kidnapped the dog, took it home and killed it. Then he barbecued it and ate it with a side of asparagus and a two-hundred-dollar bottle of Barolo. He hated his wife so much that he waited until he took a shit, and then shit in a new Prada bag he had bought for the occasion. He went to her new apartment and told his ex that she could keep the Ferrari and the dog and that he even bought her a new bag. Then he presented her with the Prada with the shit in it.”
Mike: “That’s got to be bullshit, right?”
Alex: “I don’t know. People swear it is true. The guy is a bit strange so it is possible. All I know for sure is, marriage is a crazy risk and I still have not figured out what the reward is.”
Gary: “Whatever, someday you guys will all be married and you will understand. Maybe one or two of us will get divorced, maybe not. But however you feel now, there will be a time when you will not only concede to get married, but you will really want it. And later, believe it or not, you will realize you have ended up with something more valuable than money or anything else. Don’t get me wrong, marriage is more work than your job, but it can be more rewarding also.”
Mike: “Well, maybe you are right. But until then, let’s go to Vegas and find some hoes.”
Alex: “Amen.”
Roger: “Amen. Can we check the Stanford score?”
