“I meant that we’d miss him the same.” Kat’s argument didn’t make me feel better.
“It wasn’t how it came out. All I heard was you telling him to get lost.”
“Well, I didn’t mean it that way. Maybe if he wasn’t being such a jerk lately he would have known.”
“Go apologize. Mom is already freaking out on him. He needs our support. I know he pissed you off last night, but maybe he’s scared and wants to occupy his time. He can’t be up our asses every second. Since we share the same DNA I’d say that he’s probably horny constantly.”
“Fine, I’ll go talk to him.”
I ran up the stairs after hearing her agree to come talk to me. The last thing I needed was her finding out I was still listening to the two of them talking.
When she came into my room I was tossing a ball against the wall. Even out of breath, I pretending to act annoyed when she spoke.
“Can we talk? I think you misunderstood me back there.”
“I didn’t misunderstand anything, Kat. I get that you want me out of the way. Trust me, I want to get the fuck away from you and my brother too.” It was important to push her away, so she wouldn’t hurt when I was gone. I didn’t want her to miss me because it would make me want to come home to comfort her.
“That’s not true and you know it. Why are you saying things like that? We would never cut you out of our lives. How could you even think that?”
I captured the ball and held it tight in my fist. “Do you love my brother?”
“What? Why would you ask me that? You know I do.”
“Yeah. He loves you, too. Don’t you get it? I can’t sit around here while you two are planning this fantastic life together. I’m drowning in your fucking happiness.” That was the first true statement I’d made all night.
“Don’t say it like that. We’d never push you away. It isn’t like we’re broadcasting ourselves. We hang out just like we used to.”
“It’s different even if you don’t see it. As far as pushing me away, well, you don’t have to, Kat. I’m the one walking away.”
“I don’t want you to go.” Her face was distraught, and as much as I wanted to look away I couldn’t. My heart was beating fast, beckoning me to keep staring.
“Did my brother send you up here, or did you come by yourself?”
She shrugged. “Both.”
“Just go back downstairs. I’m not going to waste my time explaining and I’ve already signed everything. I’ll be eighteen and able to leave on my own free will. You and Branch can go off to college and ride into the sunset on your white stallion for all I care.”
“That’s not fair. Why are you being so mean to me?” She’d begun to sob. I couldn’t get over how it made me feel inside.
I leaned forward and pointed toward the door. “Kat, we’re friends, even family. I didn’t do this to hurt you. Get it through your head and get out of my room.”
“You’re hurting me right now, Brooks. I don’t understand what I ever did to you to make you treat me this way. You used to protect me.”
“I used to do a lot of things and it got me nowhere.”
As I stood to be near her I couldn’t help watch as she closed the distance between us, leaning forward so no one else could hear what she was about to say. “I don’t want to lose you.”
I grabbed her arm at the wrist, causing her eyes to stare into mine. “Why? Say it, Kat. Tell me what we both already know.”
Her lips parted, but nothing came out. For a second she just looked at me, another bout of tears fell down her cheeks. “I’m not saying anything.”
It wasn’t until she began walking away that I responded. “Yeah, that’s what I figured.”
It was obvious that I’d hurt her. I could hear her clear across the hall sobbing. What caught my attention was that Branch didn’t check on her. He was probably still playing his video game while she laid in her room falling apart.
I had to admit that a part of me, the one that wanted to go inside and comfort her, felt terrible. The idea of hurting her crushed me though I knew I couldn’t cave. I had to stand my ground and put distance between us. It was the only way out of this mess I’d made. If Kat knew the truth she’d never forgive me.
The next few months went by too quickly, as did the growing tension between Kat and myself. By the time graduation came around, I could tell she was hiding something from me, though I didn’t know if I had the energy to figure out what it was.
“Congratulations you three. How about you all stand together for a picture?” If it hadn’t meant so much to my mother I wouldn’t have been open minded about the slew of photographs she was determined to take. While Kat and Branch posed happily together, my mind was in other places. This was going to be our last moments together. As much as I tried to convince myself that it was the right decision, I was suddenly having extreme doubts.
It didn’t matter though. Kat and Branch were going to attend Salisbury University. They’d be on the opposite side of the state, while I was on the other side of the country. Our lives were headed in different directions.
Chapter 6
During our large graduation party, where Branch clung to Kat for dear life, my dad pulled me to the side. He led us into the house before turning to face me. “Brooks, we need to talk.”
“What about?” If he wanted to give me one last ultimatum about joining the military he was too late.
“About Katy.”
This shocked me. “What about her? I think you have me confused with Branch.”
He shook his head and poured himself a vodka tonic. “That’s where you’re mistaken. I’m sure I have the right son.” My dad leaned against the countertop, sipping on his drink while narrowing his gaze on my reaction.
“I don’t understand.” Playing stupid was only going to get me so far.
“You’re leaving because of her aren’t you?” He held up his hand. “Before you deny it, hear me out. For years I’ve watched you around Katy. It’s not like I could avoid it. Her living under the same roof makes it hard to ignore. Your brother may walk around with blinders on, but it’s pretty obvious to me.”
“Dad, don’t do this. Nothing can change my decision. It’s set in stone.”
“That’s not why I’m asking.”
I didn’t understand why he wanted me to admit my feelings for Kat, not when it wouldn’t make any bit of a difference. I’d never be with Kat. She’d made her choice, and as much as it crushed me, I knew I had to move on. “You already know the answer.”
“You know, Brooks, some things aren’t so set in stone.”
“What’s that supposed to imply, Dad? Everything is set in stone. Look, I appreciate whatever you’re trying to do, but Kat’s with Branch. He’ll be good to her. They’ll have a great life together. I’m sure they’ll marry and have a couple kids. Maybe eventually I’ll be okay with it.”
My dad shook his head and looked out the window at the party going on. “There are things I think you should know about your brother, Brooks.”
This time I was the one putting up my hand. “It doesn’t matter. It will change nothing. I’ve done and said things I can’t take back. Spending time away is what we all need.”
After the talk with my father, I retreated to my room. I couldn’t stand around communicating with the family while pretending I didn’t care what the girl of my dreams was doing with my brother.
A little while later I heard someone knocking on the door before coming into my room. I was still in my swimming trunks without a shirt, and it was clear that was the first thing she noticed. “Hey, I brought you food.”
I leaned up to face her. “Thanks. I wasn’t that hungry.” She sat down beside me and put the tray to the side. “I like when you don’t hide your face.”
Kat looked away, but I could tell she was blushing. “I’m going to miss you, Brooks. Promise you’ll visit?”
I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. There was something about the moment, or p
erhaps it was the fact that we were completely alone in the house. “Yeah. I’ll come see you.” I didn’t know when, but I knew I couldn’t stay away forever.
“I better get back downstairs.”
I took her hand before she could get up. Her body came down against mine, and all I could see was how close her lips were. With one hand I stroked her cheek. “Don’t slap me, Kat. Please, just let me have a few seconds of this.” Then I kissed her, softly on the lips.
When she didn’t pull away or freak out, I took it upon myself to add some tongue. Far be it from me to deny her my skills. After at least a minute of full-blown making out, she pulled away and covered her mouth, as if she was ashamed.
“I’m sorry. I need to go back downstairs.”
It only took me a second to see the truth across her face. For so long I’d felt terrible for wishing for it. Now it all made sense. “Does he know you’re in love with me?”
She couldn’t look at me. “Please don’t do this, Brooks.”
I had to laugh. I’d been a fool for too long. My own conscience had prevented me from seeing what was right in front of me the whole time, and now I didn’t know what to do. “Kat, have you asked yourself how long you’re going to go on with my brother before you realize you picked the wrong guy?”
She stood and put her hands on her hips. “Don’t go there. You know I love Branch.”
I sat on my knees, staring directly into her eyes. My hands were trembling, but this was important. I couldn’t ignore it anymore. “When I’m on that bus tomorrow and you’re done waving goodbye to me, I want you to do me one favor.”
“What?” She asked in a whisper.
“I want you to think about being without Branch for a few months. Then switch it around and think about being without me. When you have your answer, you’ll know why I had to leave.”
Her tear-filled eyes allowed me to see that I’d gotten to her. “That makes no sense. You already know I’ll miss you.”
I cackled and plopped backwards on my mattress. “Kat, this ain’t even about missing me. This is about you living with a lie. It’s about my brother getting everything he wants and never considering that you were never his to have.”
Kat stood and turned her back to me. The moment was too intense. Maybe I shouldn’t have come on so strong.
“Please stop.” She said.
“Stop what? Stop feeling sorry for myself because I wasn’t man enough to fight for what I wanted?” I wanted to hear it from her lips.
Kat started pacing around my room, going in one direction, only to turn and head in another. She was waving her hands around as if she were having a private conversation with herself. “What are you talking about?”
Just then the door opened. Branch was standing there, and it was obvious he was surprised to see us in the middle of a heated discussion. “Hey, I was wondering where you two were. Mom needs us to get the grill going. Dad had to run out for the cake.”
“I’ll give you a hand, bro.” I didn’t look at Kat when I left the room, nor did I mention what we were discussing to my brother. It wouldn’t have made a difference. I had my answer even if she was too ashamed to admit it.
When I came back into my room, probably about fifteen minutes later, I found Kat sitting on my bed. She’d obviously been crying the whole time and prying through my things. In her hands was my art book, and she was flipped to a page that revealed one of my most exquisite pieces. I didn’t need to take a picture into class to copy from, and I certainly hadn’t asked her to model. I had her memorized. It was even possible that I could draw the woman with my eyes closed.
As soon as she noticed me entering the room she came at me, shoving the drawing against my chest, “How long have you been in love with me, Brooks?”
I smiled. “That question isn’t going to get answered.”
Not knowing where my brother could be, I tried to walk away from her. She grabbed me, pulling me back to be facing her. From the look in her eyes I knew it was about to get very serious, but I couldn’t have predicted what she was going to tell me. Once again she’d left me speechless. “I would have picked you, and you know it. So I need an answer. How long?”
It was gut-wrenching, hearing her truthfully coming to grips with what could have been. The burning in my eyes let me know that I couldn’t keep holding my feelings from her. I’d waited all this time, protected her, because I thought it’s what she needed. This was my chance to come clean. “I’ve loved you for as long as I could remember.”
Kat’s face scrunched up as she began to cry heavily. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. You’re going to be happy with Branch. He loves you. I’ll be out of the picture and it will get easier. The distance between us will help.” I was attempting to convince myself.
Kat kept shaking her head, as if she was in denial.
I couldn’t resist. My lips were on her forehead, leaving her with a reminder that even space couldn’t make me forget about her. “Just remember that you were my first.”
Kat looked into my eyes and grinned. “I’ll never forget our first kiss, Brooks.”
It wasn’t until she began to leave the room that caused me to clarify exactly what I meant. “I wasn’t just talking about a kiss, Kat.”
Her body spun around. “Huh?”
“September 11th, for the past two years. I’m surprised you didn’t know, being as I’ve always been there for you on that day, because unlike my brother, I never could sleep that night knowing you were so upset.”
It took a couple seconds for it to all sink in. Then I watched her composure change. I knew what was coming, so I prepared myself for the blow. “You…oh God. You.”
She covered her mouth and started backing away, but I refused to let her. I closed in on her, breaking the distance between us, while whispering so no one else could hear. “I waited until the perfect moment to have you for myself. You had to be my first Kat, and I knew it was the only way it could happen.”
I watched her haul ass out of my room. She slammed her bedroom door shut, and I didn’t bother going after her. The noise alone would have caught everyone’s attention. Not wanting to draw the curiosity to the both of us, I closed my own door and retreated back to my bed.
Nearly twenty minutes later she came barging back inside without knocking. Her finger pointed in my direction, and I’d honestly never seen her so pissed. “Don’t come visit me in college, Brooks. You’re right, I need to be away from you so that I can be happy with Branch. We don’t need you trying to push us apart. And as far as those two nights go, that goes to your grave with you. I won’t lose Branch over this.”
I spent my last night at home all alone. I think my parents assumed that I wanted space. Perhaps they thought I was packing, or resting. In reality I was a freaking mess. Kat hated me, and I felt like I couldn’t live with myself. I’d known the repercussions before acting out, and overlooked them anyway.
With nothing left in me to lose, I sat down at my desk and wrote her an explanation. I wasn’t going to give it to her before I left, but hopefully when I returned she’d be willing to read it.
Dear Kat,
If you’re reading this letter then I’ve already left for the Army. Which also probably means that I was too chicken shit to tell you how I really feel about you.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this because you’ll probably never come up into this tree house again. In the chance that you do, I need to set things straight, once and for all.
The first thing you need to know is that from the first day we met, as infants even, I loved you. I can’t remember one day where I didn’t, so it has to mean it’s since birth.
The second thing you need to know is that I wanted to tell you when we were twelve and had shared our first kiss. I know you remember that night. I pulled you aside and asked you to do it again. I was going to tell you, but I got called in for dinner. That next day you lost your parents and being your friend was
more important than any horny kids’ feelings.
So I waited.
The thing was, I accidentally told Branch all about it. He told me that you secretly confided in him that you liked him, but didn’t want to hurt my feelings. It was a shitty move, but well played by him. He knew that if I thought you wanted him, I’d back off.
I waited for the day that you would break up with him, hoping that one day you’d want me instead. After time, I knew it wouldn’t happen. Our family was too close, and my parents wouldn’t tolerate a scandal like that, besides the fact that I couldn’t destroy the whole family over it.
I stepped aside and let him have you. I watched him hold you and kiss you, day after day, until I finally couldn’t take it anymore.
One night, I snuck into your room. You thought I was Branch, and I didn’t correct you. You asked me to make the pain go away and so I did. I wanted to be that guy that you needed.
That was when I lost my virginity.
I’m not sorry about it either because I know it is something I will never regret.
You’ll probably hate me now, but that wasn’t the only time it happened. I snuck into your room the next year, on the anniversary of your parent’s death, again. I wanted to be the one to make your tears go away.
Now that you know the truth, you’ll understand why I had to leave. I want you to be happy with my brother. He’ll treat you right and give you everything you want.
Maybe when we’re older, with gray hair and lots of children, we can be friends again.
Until then, know I love you.
I always have and I always will.
Love, Brooks
Chapter 7
I always thought that the tragic death of the Michaels was the most brutal thing I’d ever experienced, when in fact looking into Kat’s eyes as I said goodbye was just as horrible, maybe even worse. The idea of not being able to see her, to touch her, to know that she was okay, was killing me inside. I wasn’t just riding off into the sunset to start a new life. The real Brooks was still somewhere close to her, clinging to hope that someway we still had a chance. What was left of me was an empty shell; one that longed for some sort of resolution that didn’t involve pain, or being alone.
Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Page 4
