“Kat, you’re innocent in all of this. Don’t you get it? He doesn’t even know you saw the letter. He thinks I left it under my pillow and you never found it. At least, that’s what I convinced him happened. As far as you know, we’ve never done anything. It’s all on me.”
“Why would you do that?”
“I think you know why.” The line got quiet, and I knew I’d crossed a boundary again.
“Brooks, I want you at the wedding, and Branch isn’t going to touch you. I appreciate that you kept me out of it, but it doesn’t change anything either way. I’m marrying Branch because I love him and we have a life together. I hope you understand that.”
As impossible as I knew it would be, I had to be there for her. Sure, I’d support my brother as well, but it wasn’t the same. I was coming home for Kat, and she needed to know that.
“I get it, Kat. I’ll be there for you on your special day and I won’t cause problems. I’d never do anything to hurt you.”
“Thank you.”
“Listen, I need to go.”
“Wait. Can I call you again?”
“You can, but you may want to use someone else’s phone. Branch may act all innocent, but I guarantee he checks your phone bill for my number. You’ve got a month to come up with a good excuse as to what we talked about and why you called me today.”
“I’ll handle it.”
“Bye, Kat.”
“Bye, Brooks.”
Our short conversation left me vulnerable, and fearful of how far I’d go to speak to her again. I imagined talking her out of marrying Branch, and what other extremes I was willing to go to save her from being committed to him. Still in my heart she was meant to be mine. Nothing had changed. There was something in her voice reassuring me.
With only five months until they tied the knot, I was running out of ideas. All I could hope was that she’d wake up one day and realize that she’d made the wrong choice. Thankfully, Kat started calling on a regular basis, brightening my days with her comforting voice. She didn’t know that her talking about a clogged drain, or being stuck in traffic calmed my nerves. It reminded me of being home with the family. She wasn’t the only person I’d missed. Somewhere along the line I’d pushed my parents away. In the back of my mind I figured it was the right decision, but yearned to make things right, somehow, someway.
From October until the beginning of November Kat’s calls stopped. I was okay the first week, moody the second, and then a complete mess the third. It made no sense. We hadn’t discussed private affairs or being together. Our mundane conversations would have bored everyone else. We were being friends, like we were before love got in the way.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t care if my brother was standing in the same room, or even if they were in bed. I had to know she was okay because worrying about her prevented me from being able to keep my head in the game at work.
“Brooks, now isn’t a good time.”
“Why haven’t you called me, Kat? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Her short answer allowed me to tell she wasn’t being honest.
“I know you better than that. Did I say or do something that made you mad?”
“No. It’s not you. It’s me.”
“So, I guess we’re breaking up?” I was desperately attempting to make her laugh, even though the idea of her pushing me away was tearing me apart, weakening me yet again. “You can tell me anything.”
“I’m scared.”
“Has he hurt you?” I’d be on the first plane to kick some ass if he had.
“No. Of course not. I guess how I’m feeling is normal.” She may have seen it that way, but I had other opinions. Could she finally be waking up to realize that Branch wasn’t right for her?
“When’s the last time you ate? You know you have to take care of yourself, and you forget to eat when you’re stressed.”
“I’m fine, Brooks. I’ve just been busy and nervous.”
“I worry when you don’t call.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Kat, you know you don’t have to go through with this. You have a choice. You always have. If you aren’t sure about being with Branch for the rest of your life, then don’t do it.” I needed confirmation.
“Why would you think that?” She snapped.
“Isn’t it true?”
“No!” Her quick response only made it more obvious.
“Okay. Whatever you say. I’m just telling you that you’re allowed to change your mind.”
“Why would I change my mind? Do you honestly think I’m in love with you?”
I closed my eyes and imagined that kiss in my bedroom, her tear-filled eyes when we said goodbye, and how desperate she was to get back in touch with me. Something inside of me may have been broken, unrepairable, but I refused to deny what I knew was true. “Yeah. I do.”
After I said it the line went silent. Perhaps I should have dialed her back, but I knew Kat needed to simmer for a while on our conversation. If anything, it had given me hope when I thought all was lost. She was having doubts. Even though some have pre-wedding jitters. I knew Kat’s concerns had more to do with me than Branch. That only verified that the bond between us still existed, and I hadn’t been imagining it all this time. I knew Katy Michaels, obviously better than she knew herself. She chose my brother because at the time, he made her feel safe. I was a rebel, acting out of jealousy, though I couldn’t admit that to her, not back then, and certainly not now.
My mind traveled back to all the times my brother had filled my head with the idea that Kat never wanted me. I wondered if he’d gone to extremes to make sure I didn’t pursue her. Had he lied so that we couldn’t be together because he knew I’d be her first choice?
As the questions began to pile up in my head, so did the fact that I was about to see them after years of being apart. I was going to be able to look into her eyes, to touch her skin, and feel her close to me.
I may have been going there to watch her walk down the aisle with Branch, but I was going to make sure she knew exactly where I stood before that happened. She was going to tell me the truth, once and for all. Best man or not, I couldn’t let my brother win, not if he hadn’t played fair from the beginning. That saying, “cheaters never win,” was true. If he’d lied, he didn’t deserve her.
I realized that I may have been getting excited for nothing. Perhaps my own desperation was making me imagine things that were never there, but if for some reason I was onto something, I had to find out, one way or another.
Chapter 9
Since I was going to be heading overseas after my trip home, my friends threw me a going away party. It wasn’t anything fancy, just beer and the company of my bunk group. I didn’t know why, but my sergeant handed me a journal. When I gave him a curious look, he simply patted me on the shoulder. “Trust me, you’re going to need it. You should prepare yourself. There are things that no person should ever have to see. When I did my three tours in Desert Storm, writing my feelings down was the only thing that helped. I suggest you do the same.”
As much as I appreciated the gesture, I couldn’t understand how I would ever want to write down my feelings.
Then, the day before I was to fly home for the wedding of my brother and Kat, I sat down on my bed and stared at the journal. I think it took me longer to locate a pen, then it did to find words to express how I felt.
I started with the date, hoping that someday I could look back and appreciate that it was in chronological order of when I’d hit rock bottom to when I finally figured out how to move on without Kat.
December 20th 2010
I’m about to embark on a trip home, not knowing if I’ll be able to keep my shit together. It’s been years since I laid eyes on Katy Michaels, but a day hasn’t gone by where I didn’t miss, think about, or wish she was preparing to marry me instead of my brother.
The Army has taught me to be strong, tough, and in control. I know when our eyes meet for the fi
rst time I’ll lose all of that. She’s my only weakness.
I’m getting ready to head to the airport and then be on my way to the hotel where they’ll wed. I keep thinking that if I tell her how I’ve felt for so long, she’ll choose me instead, but I know it’s not true.
Kat made her decision years ago. What’s done is done. I can daydream all I want, but she’s not going to change her mind, not this close to her wedding day. It isn’t like we can run off into the sunset together. I don’t even know why I’m writing this down. It’s only going to piss me off more when I read it later.
After confessing my feelings to a ridiculous book, I laid awake staring at the ceiling. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep knowing I was about to see her. My heart was already on edge and facing my brother was going to be an even harder challenge. He’d known we’d slept together. He didn’t even want me at the wedding to begin with. I’m sure he was only doing it for Kat. All I could imagine was getting into a brawl in front of everyone who’d be a part of our lives. My parents would never forgive me, and if they found out what I’d done under their roof I would never be able to justify the repercussions.
I’d already lost so much, actually I’d given up. Was I really willing to show up just to rehash what couldn’t be changed?
By six the next morning I was awake and dressed. I got a ride to the airport and watched the driver pulling away, wondering if I should call him back and forget about the trip. What good would it bring anyone if I showed up. Sure, Kat would be angry, and probably hurt, but it was better than having her wedding ruined because I couldn’t be near my brother.
Since all of this was my fault I knew there was only one thing I could do. It was better he hear it from me first anyway. I dialed my dad’s number, hoping he wasn’t close to my mom when he answered. This was one thing I never wanted her to find out about. The thought of disappointing my mom got under my skin. It would bother me forever if she thought she hadn’t taught me right from wrong.
“Brooks, I hope you’re not calling because your flight is delayed.”
“No. The flight is fine.” I honestly hadn’t checked. I hadn’t even stepped foot in the airport yet.
“Are you calling to confirm when you’ll arrive at the hotel? Your mom gave you the address, didn’t she?”
This was going to be harder than I thought. “I have the address. I’m just not sure I should come at all.”
“What do you mean, son? Why wouldn’t you be here for Branch and Katy? You’re the best man.”
“You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew what I’ve done, dad.” I watched a woman leading her child into the airport. They were each pulling matching luggage, and it was cute seeing the little girl pretending to be grown up. It made me think about Kat and Branch having a child. I wondered if she’d have a daughter that looked just like her. Would she call me uncle, or would I be kept away from her because of what I’d done behind my brother’s back?
“Brooks, you’re not making any sense. Can we talk about this when you get here? Your mom has me running all over the place today.”
“Actually we can’t. There’s no way I can show up tonight without you hearing what I have to tell you. It’s important.”
I could tell my dad was reconsidering what he’d said. He cleared his throat before responding. “Sure. What’s going on? Are you okay?”
I scrunched up my face even though I realized he couldn’t see me. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just worried. I’ve been holding something in for a while now. Honestly, I hoped you’d never have to find out it happened, but since Branch knows there’s no telling what he’ll say or do.”
“This is about your brother?” He inquired.
“No. I guess, maybe indirectly. It’s more about me, and something that I did years ago…with Kat.”
“Oh. Please don’t tell me that you…Brooks, how far did it go?”
I closed my eyes. This wasn’t like writing it in a letter and mailing it off. I could hear my father’s breathing change. I knew he was going to be repulsed that I’d done something so heinous under his roof. I was a disgrace, and he’d seen it that way. “Dad, you need to know it wasn’t planned.”
“When did it happen? How did your brother find out?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Kat didn’t know it was me.”
“How is that possible?”
“It was dark. She was crying. She thought I was Branch, and I didn’t tell her differently. She didn’t find out until after I’d left. Branch found a letter I’d left for her in the tree house. Look, it doesn’t even matter now. What’s important is knowing why I can’t come to that ceremony and stand up for him, not now, maybe not ever. I’m not a good brother. I’ve been in love with Kat my whole life. There’s no way I can watch her promising to love him forever, not when I’m wishing it was me instead.”
“Son, why are you telling me this? Did you call for advice because honestly, I don’t know what to say.”
“I guess I’m calling because I want you to tell me that it’s okay if I don’t come to the wedding. Say that someday you’ll forgive me. Tell me I’m not ruining the ceremony by showing my face.”
“I spoke to your brother this morning. He’s looking forward to seeing you. He picked up your tux already. Whatever happened in the past, he’s obviously either gotten over it, or he’s letting it go for the family. It would break your mother’s heart if you didn’t show up. Son, I can’t tell you how to feel, but you’ve got to suck it up, at least for the next two nights. We’re all excited about seeing you. Things have changed. They’re happy now. We’ve all made mistakes. It’s part of the learning process.”
“It’s not just that, Dad. I still care about, Kat. I still love her.”
“Brooks, you’re a grown man now. The choice is yours, but I do hope you make it for the right reason. I’ll be looking for you at the hotel, but if I don’t see you, at least know that your mom and I love you no matter what. It couldn’t have been easy being in the same room as them. I’ll never understand how she chose Branch, but that’s another story for a different time. Whatever you decide, I’ll be proud of you.”
“I appreciate that, sir.”
“We’ll be seeing you soon. I know you’ll make the right choice.”
When we hung up I looked at the double doors opening and closing as people entered and exited the airport. I was one flight way from seeing the love of my life again. Was I really going to be scared about my brother? What more could he throw at me that I hadn’t already experienced a million times before? He already had what I wanted. He’d won, I’d lost. The truth was sleeping next to him every night, wearing the ring that he’d saved up to buy. If he knew her any at all, he would have presented her with her mother’s ring, which she’d mentioned using again and again.
As much as Branch irked me, I recognized there was little I could do. My job was to stand by his side while he promised to love and cherish Kat. It was going to be the most important day of their lives, and they’d invited me to stand beside them. As a brother I understood I couldn’t let them down. As much as it was going to sting, it was paramount to all the guests, but mostly our parents. Kat was finally taking the Valentine name. I’d dreamed of the moment that she’d become my wife, I just never suspected she’d be his instead.
There was no right decision. In my eyes it was all wrong.
I made one more phone call before checking in for my flight. I didn’t know how he’d react to me contacting him, but I at least had to attempt to keep the peace.
“Hello, brother. Are you calling to tell me you’re not going to show?”
“Is that what you want to hear?”
“I don’t know, Brooks. In a way, yeah, it would make it less weird, but it’s not just my wedding. If I had it my way we would have eloped a long time ago. This ceremony is for Katy. It’s what she wants, and I promised to make sure it’s perfect.”
“That’s the reason for my call. Are you going to be okay i
f I’m there?”
“As long as you keep your hands off my soon-to-be wife, I don’t care. We’re still brothers even if I want to rip out your throat.”
I wasn’t sorry for what happened. I could have said no at any time. I slept with Kat because I wanted to. It was selfish, and I deserved to lose her forever because of it. “I want to get past this. I’m sorry, Branch. I know you hate me. Can we try to be friends while I’m there? It’s the only way I’ll be able to get on the plane today.”
“Fine. I’ll be nice. Maybe I’ll even give you a hug, but don’t think for a second that I’m letting my guard down. What you did can never be forgiven.”
“I understand. I guess it’s final then. I’m getting on a plane to come home.”
“I guess so.”
When we hung up I didn’t feel anymore excited about seeing Branch. I half expected him to tell me to stay away. Nothing was more clear to me than knowing this was Kat’s idea. For some reason it made me smile. I just had to be on my best behavior.
Chapter 10
While on the plane ride to Washington, DC, I had a ton going through my mind. My first initial gut feeling was telling me to avoid eye contact with Kat. If I didn’t reconnect with her in person than everyone would assume I’d moved on and gotten over it. I was certain Branch would have a skeptical watch over me, but actions speak louder than words. I had to make it seem like I held no interest in Katy Michaels. My family depended on it.
I think my nerves were at extreme levels when I climbed into the cab that was taking me to the hotel. I was about to come face to face with the woman that I’d put on a pedestal. I knew she was going to take my breath away. Hiding that sort of excitement wouldn’t come without effort. I might be able to fool half the people in the room, but none of the ones who truly knew me. I wondered how I could hide the only thing I’d never been able to deny. How could I look into her eyes and not want to hold her; to make up for all the time we’d spent apart, from all the mistakes I made that pushed her into my brother’s arms? How could I face what breaks me down, lowering me until I’m riddled with pain?
Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Page 6
