I refused to let her answer his question. “You did this, bro. You kept her from me for all these years. I told her everything. She knows you kept us apart to have her for yourself.”
Branch turned around and shoved me against the other bed. “Get the fuck out of my face, Brooks.”
I jumped up and got right up in his face, challenging him to push me a second time. Kat climbed off the bed and threw herself between us as if that would prevent a war.
Her naked body was like a beacon, and I could tell it only fueled his need to decapitate me. “Please don’t do this. We all need to talk this through,” she was pleading, while new tears trickled from her eyes.
When my brother reached forward, taking her by the neck something snapped. I refused to allow him to put a hand on her even if I had to take him down the way I’d been trained to do. I threw him away from her with one hand. “If you ever touch her like that again, I’ll kill you.”
While I anticipated my next stroke, by keeping my grip fastened to his neck, I felt her gentle hands grabbing me from behind, as if she was begging me to stop. Then I heard her reiterate. “Please, don’t do this.” I felt my body relaxing, giving in to her request as if she had magical calming powers. Kat spoke from behind me, making sure it was loud enough for both of us to hear. “Branch, we need to talk.”
“Bullshit. You need to get dressed and go get ready. This shit never happened, do you hear me?” I couldn’t believe my ears. Was he really going to let this go? Did he not see that we’d spent the night together? What could he possibly do to rid himself of the image of walking in and finding us together? Then it hit me. He didn’t care about what she’d done as long as I didn’t get to be with her. It made the bile rise to my throat. He was the epitome of desperate.
Kat refused to let him win this battle. “No! I’m not marrying you. I can’t. I don’t love you like you need me to. I’ve never loved you like I love him, and you’ve always known it, haven’t you? Why did you tell me he never wanted me? How could you do that to your own brother, and to me?”
Branch pushed me out of the way to be facing Kat. She put her finger up to make me wait for a second. I could tell she was prepared for whatever he was about to do or say, in her own way showing me that she could be strong and fight for what she cared about.
Branch responded, spitting as his spoke with such aggression. “Are you really going to bring up shit from when we were teenagers to justify you fucking my brother the night before our wedding? I should have known you’d whore yourself out to him. You always did want things that were beneath you.”
Like slow motion, I watched her hand slap against his cheek. “Get out! Get out of my face!”
He grabbed her arms, and I’d finally seen enough. I placed my hand on my brother’s back. “Let go of her, Branch.”
“Screw you. You two make me sick. If I never see you again it will be too soon. Get your shit out of my apartment before I get home, Katy. After I’m done telling my parents about the two of you, I’ll be the only child that this family has. You just ruined your lives. I hope that pussy was worth it.” The last part was for me. Though I didn’t intentionally set out to hurt my brother, I knew in his own way he was hurting, but I couldn’t feel sorry for him, not when I knew he’d done everything in his power to keep us apart. All this time he’d known that we were in love with each other, yet he fed us lies to prevent us from being happy together. Even jealousy wouldn’t make me do that to my own brother. I didn’t have that kind of deceit in me.
I hit my brother, sending him falling down to the floor. Then I lifted him by the collar of his shirt and shoved him outside of my door. When it was shut, I turned to see her collapsing on the floor, struggling to breathe. She was fighting to control her emotions, and I didn’t know how to soothe her.
When she looked at me I saw what I feared the most. This couldn’t be happening. Kat was about to push me away. I may have been away for a long time, but I knew her every expression. Her conflicted mind wasn’t going to allow her to be happy, not even if it broke her into a million pieces.
She started dressing before I could come up with something logical to say. I approached her, feeling as if I was losing everything I’d gained. “What are you doing? You don’t have to leave. We can do this together. Did you think I’d expect you to face them by yourself?” I couldn’t let her leave me. It wasn’t an option. We hadn’t just made love, I’d given her all that I had left. She’d brought me to life, only to shock me back to death. This was unbearably hard to watch.
“I need to get my bag out of my room before they all come looking to kill me. I’ll be right back, I promise. You don’t have to worry.” Somehow, as her words were meant to be reassuring, I knew they were a lie.
Before she could step foot out of the door, I reached for her, taking ahold of her arm. “Kat, you are going to come back so we can talk, right? You’re not just saying you are?” I wanted her to look me in the eyes even if it broke my heart. I wanted to remember how she looked when she walked away from our future once again.
She tried to put on a brave face, but I saw right through her. “Of course. Stop worrying. I’ll be right back.”
I leaned down and kissed her, fighting back the tears as I pulled away. “Hurry back to me. We’ve got forever to spend together.”
Perhaps I should have stopped her, or pleaded for reasons why she should stay. Maybe I could have followed her to assure she’d come back to me. I think in my mind I pictured her realizing that walking away was a mistake. I kept telling myself that I was imagining the worst because we were so close to having it all.
I didn’t want to be right, not this time. I refused to accept that she was about to walk away from me, not when she knew what it was like to experience what we’d shared. I wasn’t alone in what happened between us. Everything was mutual, and I was sure she loved me, yet couldn’t begin to fathom how she could run from the idea of us having a future.
The longer I waited, the more I knew she wasn’t going to return. After nearly twenty minutes I knew I had to go find her, to talk some sense into her and show her we could deal with my parents together, as a team. She’d never have to be alone. I’d stand by her, protect her, and make sure she never needed a reason to fear anything ever again. I was determined to make her concerns dissipate. I was prepared to face my brother again, and anyone else that was going to try to stop me.
By the time I made it to her room a group of people were already standing there. Branch, my parents, and a hotel employee looked at me while I approached. I thought about turning around to avoid the look on their faces. It would have been easier to hide my uncertainties, not that it would make it any better.
“What’s going on?”
Branch pointed in my direction. “Where is she, Brooks?”
I tried to keep composure as I imagined where else she could be beside her room. “I don’t know. She left after you did.”
“Yeah right. If you’re planning on coming here to get her things, you’re too late. The room is empty.”
I turned to look at both of my parents, who were clearly devastated that I’d had a part in this happening. “I’m sorry,” escaped my lips. Feeling their disappointment was a burden I’d live with forever. On top of Kat missing, I had to deal with the fact that they’d be left to pick up the pieces. They’d have to make the announcement and send everyone packing.
“Brooks, maybe you should just go,” my mother suggested, while she sobbed against my father’s shirt. “You can’t be here when everyone finds out. Just go find Katy. We can all talk about it tonight at the house.” The fact that she was asking me to find Kat struck me as peculiar. Why wasn’t Branch designated to locate her?
I nodded, refusing to look at my brother as I turned with intentions of checking the roof. She had to be up there, hiding until she knew everyone was gone. What she didn’t realize was that my parents loved her too. Even without a marriage certificate, she’d always be family. They wouldn’t pu
sh her away for making a mistake, or realizing the truth before it was too late. Sure, they’d be angry, and hurt, but they were forgiving people, and I was their son too. Even if Branch was hurting, they’d want to make sure to help us find resolution.
I think I’d built up the possibility of walking out onto that roof and seeing her there. I thought about what I would say, and how long it would take me to pull her into my welcoming arms. I prepared to tell her we’d be okay, and I’d find a way to make my trip to Afghanistan as short as possible, just so I could get back to her. I wanted her to know that this was going to be a new beginning for the both of us. We could make it work because our love had stood the test of time.
Except Kat wasn’t on the roof. I checked every corner, calling out her name to have it echo off the neighboring buildings. She was nowhere in sight. Just as I’d feared when she’d left my room, Kat was gone. Kat had run from the pain, and the truth. She’d ripped me apart, leaving me to face the facts that I wasn’t worth the fight. Love wasn’t enough for Kat to want to be with me and that alone shattered me.
By the time I made it back to my room I’d busted my fists, cried until my throat was numb, and lost all sense of reality. I’d tried to call her, getting the voicemail every single time. Nothing mattered. For the longest time, I peered over the edge of the building, wondering if my demise would take away the pain. I couldn’t handle being without her, wondering where she was, or the fact that she didn’t want me.
On the floor was an envelope addressed to my name with my room number. I picked it up and pulled out a letter, recognizing the handwriting immediately.
Dear Brooks,
This letter means that I broke my promise to you. I had to walk away from this before I had to look them all in the eye and admit what I’ve done. I couldn’t stay and face the consequences. I know I’m a coward and that a part of you will never forgive me for this.
Not only have I destroyed the bond that you and your brother once shared, but I’ve disrespected your parents and all the generosity that they’ve given me for so many years.
This letter isn’t something that my heart takes lightly. I know what I’m giving up, and it hurts more now knowing how absolutely perfect it felt to be in your arms and feel your love radiating through me.
I will cherish the night we spent together and remember it every day for the rest of my life.
Please don’t look for me. I’ve decided to finally go out and make my own decisions for once. I want to move forward and start fresh where I won’t be judged for loving you. Just know that no matter where I end up, you will always have a piece of me.
Some people say that love never dies. If that’s true then I hope you can forgive me for walking away from it. I know I’ll never be able to forgive myself for this.
I would do anything to take back the last few years and be with you, instead. If I had known what I know now, there would never have been a question as to who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It’s always been you, Brooks. I’ve known that I loved you since our first kiss. Maybe even before it. Denying it will always be my biggest regret. I know what we could have had together, and it kills me inside.
This is my goodbye. It will be the last time you ever hear from me again. Please tell your family that I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I hope in time they can forgive you. After all, you’re the son they should be praising, not your brother. In fact, you’re the most brave, beautiful man I’ve ever known. Don’t let my actions change that.
I’m sorry and I love you,
Katy
It only took me seconds to pack up my things and take a cab to the airport. I couldn’t say goodbye to anyone, because I didn’t know if I’d ever be returning, not when there was nothing left for me.
Chapter 16
Loving her was effortless, but trying to forget about how much she’d destroyed me was impossible. Time slipped away from me, and before I could make sense of anything, I was on my way to Afghanistan to experience another kind of heartache.
I was fixated on my demise, determined that it was better than suffering. It wasn’t courage leading me to danger, it was stupidity. I’d given up hope, not just with being happy, but with being forgiven. At this point in my life I didn’t care what killed me. Inside I was already dead, dwelling in an empty shell of pain. I forgot how to laugh. I even kept to myself, not letting my friends know what had happened to change me so quickly. Nothing they said could bring her back into my life. Her kiss goodbye was meant to be forever. I knew it then and still did. Silence wasn’t just my answer. It was my enemy. Kat may not have meant it, but she’d killed me that morning. She’d taken away my ability to be optimistic, to have hope, and to strive for a better life. I simply didn’t care.
Feeling overwhelmed with guilt, I sent my parents my new address for correspondence. None of this was their fault, and I couldn’t allow myself to blame them by making them worry.
I enclosed a letter even though writing it drudged up everything I’d been through since she walked out of my hotel room.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I wanted you to know that I’ve arrived overseas and have settled in the best I’m able to. I owe you both an apology. Never in a million years did I see things playing out the way they have. I didn’t show up at the wedding to ruin everyone’s lives. The truth is that I couldn’t help myself. I had to pursue her because I’ve loved that girl since we were children. She’s everything to me.
I know I made a mess of things. I screwed up and embarrassed you. I ruined my relationship with Branch, but I think you deserve to know why. All this time, all the years since they started dating, he’d been feeding Kat and I lies, keeping us apart. From the age of twelve he told me Kat wasn’t interested. I trusted him.
Apparently he was doing the same to Kat, telling her that I didn’t like her that way. All this time we could have been together, but instead he weaseled his way into her heart, making her feel bad for ever having feelings for me.
I’m not saying that what I did wasn’t wrong. I know right from wrong. Two people went into my hotel room that night, and what happened was mutual. We knew the risks, but took them anyway. I honestly couldn’t stop myself. Once the truth was revealed nothing could have kept me from her. I snapped.
You may never be able to understand what it’s been like for me, watching her with him, year after year, as if I was a punching bag. I’ve got thick skin, but even the toughest person would have broken down at some point. I’ve been trained to replace pain with power, but this doesn’t apply. I’m on a path of destruction because I simply don’t care anymore. Branch ruined my life. He was the reason I had to get away. Joining the military was my way out. I knew it would keep me from coming home and bearing the burden of watching them happy. I punished myself for loving her and attempted to move on with no result. No matter how hard I try I can’t stop loving her, that’s why I know I can’t come home. There’s nothing left there for me except pain. I’ll never regret being able to live under the same roof as my two best friends, but I will hate myself for not going after what I wanted sooner. I could have prevented all of this. We could be sharing our lives together, having children, and waking up to knowing nothing will tear us apart. Instead I’m on the other side of the world, throwing myself into defending my country, because it’s the only thing keeping me going.
I can’t promise that I’ll write back all the time. It’s hard for me to sit down and put my feelings on paper. I’ve already been warned that what I’m about to see over here will haunt me forever. I’m used to living in hell, so I’ve got every reason to believe that I’ll get through it. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry that I was such a disappointment. I was acting out because I couldn’t have what I wanted. Jealousy took control, forcing my hand to make irrational decisions. At the end of the day I deserve to be here, in the middle of this battle zone. If something happens to me and I don’t return please don’t dwell on my death. Just know I’m no longer in any pain. Nothin
g will ever hurt me again.
Thank you for bringing me up right and teaching me what love was. As much as it hurts, I don’t regret experiencing it. How I feel about Kat is something special. Not everyone finds their true love so early in life. Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t keep her. Maybe I had enough time with her when we were younger. No matter the case, I’m appreciative.
Take care of her and Branch. Help them to make amends. We’ll always be family.
Until next time with love,
Brooks
Before I sent the letter home I needed to take a couple seconds to come to grips with everything I’d expressed. It was as if I was sending away a suicide letter because I knew I wouldn’t keep in touch. My old life was over, and I had no plans of ever returning to it. Branch could consider himself an only child from now on. The damage was irreconcilable.
After I regained enough courage, I placed the pen down to another fresh piece of paper.
Branch,
I’m not writing this to apologize. You don’t deserve that.
All of this could have been avoided had you told us the truth from the beginning. What kind of brother purposely keeps the two people he cares the most about apart? How could you look yourself in the mirror after that? Didn’t you know that one day we’d talk about it? Did you think she’d never tell me?
You can be mad at me forever, I frankly don’t give a damn. You took everything from me. You ruined my life. I hope that helps you sleep at night because I can’t close my eyes for a second without thinking about her. I’m not going to argue about loving her more than you do. It’s obviously the truth, because I’d never lie to her, not even for my own benefit. I love her enough to lose her.
Live with that, Branch. Dwell on the fact that you alone made this happen. I’ll never forgive you for making me believe that she never loved me and taking my future that I could have shared with her and destroying it.
Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Page 10
