He put his hand on my shoulder and looked directly at me. “I have nowhere else to go, brother. I’ve got nothing. I can’t look at what’s left for another second. My parent’s can’t even speak to me without passing judgment for what’s happened. Amanda’s not coming back. She served me with papers three days before I shipped out. I’ve lost everything except for this.”
He’d never be able to understand how I could relate to his pain. Sure, I knew Kat was somewhere living her life, but she was alive.
Then it all hit me.
How did I know she was okay? Something could have happened while I was busy being stubborn.
I spent the rest of the afternoon transferring my things over to my new unit, happy to bunk with Trevor again. We never brought up his baby, or his pending divorce. I could tell he wanted to avoid it, just as much as I needed to do the same with my problems.
July 4th 2011
“Mom, it’s me.”
“Brooks? Is it really you?” I could hear her tears clearly as if she wasn’t on another continent.
“Yeah, don’t cry.”
“Just let me get your father. Hang on.” I could hear her calling out his name. Her excitement made all of my reservations about getting in touch with them go away.
My father picked up another line in the house and cleared his voice before answering. “Brooks?”
“Hi, dad.”
“We’ve been worried, son. Have you not been getting our letters?”
“I write once a week. Do you think we have the wrong address?” my mom asked.
It hurt to tell them the truth. “We’ve been away from the command center for a few months. I just got back,” I lied.
“Are you okay? Is it safe there?” She questioned. I couldn’t blame her. They watched way too much news to sweeten the conditions.
“I’m fine. How about you? Is everything okay at home?” I couldn’t say her name out loud, and I wasn’t about to ask how Branch was.
“It’s as good as can be expected. Your brother graduated. He’s still living in Salisbury.”
Why hadn’t they mentioned Kat? Immediately I began to worry about her. “I’m sorry for the mess I left.”
“We’re not angry at you, Brooks. You need to know that.”
“Still, my being there ruined everything.”
“It was for the best, son. Your brother has already started seeing someone new.”
I don’t know why this excited me. I was too far away to do anything about it, and they still hadn’t mentioned Kat. I wondered if they’d shut her out. Why else wouldn’t they let me know she was getting by? I decided to approach the situation like I was concerned for my brother. “It’s probably a rouse to get Kat back.” My sarcasm was obvious. If they knew me at all they’d be able to sense how annoyed I was to bring it up.
“Brooks, Katy’s gone. She left the day of the wedding and we haven’t heard from her.”
“What? Where did she go?” I started wondering where someone, with little family, could run to. “Did she go to England?”
“We really don’t know,” my father answered. “She turned off her phone and emptied her accounts. We hired someone to look for her. She used her credit cards the day she left, but never again. We pray for her, Brooks. We don’t blame her for what happened. We just want her to come home.”
“I need to go,” I said abruptly. I couldn’t stay on the phone with them when all I wanted to do was get on a plane and find her. I was desperate to know if she was okay.
“Please keep it touch, Brooks. We worry about you. Write us. Find some way to let us know you’re okay.” My mom was trying to keep me on the phone longer, but our chat was over. In some ways it had been a mistake.
“We love you,” my dad cut her off.
“I love you too. Goodbye.”
That night I waited in line to use a laptop with a satellite internet signal. I searched for her, on every social media site possible, with no result. My parents were right. She’d dropped off the face of the earth, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it, especially being so far away.
Chapter 19
July 5th, 2011
Kat’s out there somewhere, all alone, and it’s killing me inside, just like the moment I knew she’d left me in that hotel room. I would have followed her anywhere. All she had to do was ask me to be a part of her life. Since she hadn’t given me that option I’m stuck wondering if she ever loved me the way I clearly love her. I don’t know why I’m writing in this damn journal.
I guess after hearing about my friend’s child and wife, I can’t help but wonder about my own broken heart. Why am I holding onto some hope that I’ll have her in my arms again? It makes no sense, and that’s the reason I won’t share my feelings about it with anyone. They’ll just laugh at me for loving her so much. When I close my eyes we’re together. She’s running through a field of tall grasses, while beams of sun are shining down, highlighting her brown wavy hair. The smile on her face makes me beam, and I stand there, arms open, waiting to catch her when she comes into my reach. I want to lay there in that field with her until the sun sets, and even after. It’s no longer about making love. In that moment I know she’s mine, and nothing can tear us apart again.
I just wish I could talk to her. I want to tell her that I miss her. I need to know she’s okay.
I need to know she’s still alive.
That next evening I was faced with the scariest situation of my existence. We could hear the gunfire while proceeding toward the danger zone. The Taliban had attacked this particular location, leaving a path for us to follow. In this instance, the military had gotten to the area in time to corner some of those involved. While units surrounded the vicinity, we were approaching from the northern side, armed and prepared to do whatever it took to free some hostages that had been seized during earlier gun fire.
I’d been trained for this. I’d had years to prepare, but nothing could stop my hands from shaking. Each step I took toward the enemy made me think harder about my decisions. If I died on this battleground, I’d be flown back to the states and buried as a hero, but I wouldn’t see myself that way. I was a coward, one that had run and hid, instead of standing up for what I wanted so long ago. I hadn’t done all that I could have to be with Kat, or to make my life something other than it was.
I couldn’t have anticipated to see boys, no more than fourteen, standing there firing weapons almost as big as they were. Even through binoculars, I could see the hate in their eyes, knowing they’d been taught this way of life. Then I watched them falling to the ground, simultaneously, while gunfire continued to shoot from their weapons. Down they fell, taking their last breaths, dying for what they’d been told was right.
I don’t recall aiming my weapon, or even firing my first shot. Once I saw the man in the window pointing his gun at a soldier, I reacted. I held onto that trigger until I watched him fall two stories to the hard ground. The noise around me ceased to exist. I’d killed for the first time, and with that came confusing, and brutal guilt. That person had been fighting for what they believed in. He was someone’s son. He bled the same color as me.
My thoughts overwhelmed me until my name snapped me out of it. “Valentine, cover me,” Mullins yelled.
I nodded and held my weapon still, scoping out anyone or anything that would cause my friend harm. When he ducked down behind a building, positioning to watch as I followed, he started firing. I ran fast, shooting the entire time. Like slow motion I was willing to take down anything in front of me. Behind Mullins, I saw a shadow peering around the corner. With nothing but a large knife in his hand, an older man came at him. I shot one time, clipping him in the temple. He fell to the ground, the blade landing right in front of where Mullins stood speechless. There was no time to check on each other. We were directly in the line of fire, and if we didn’t keep our focus, we weren’t making it out alive.
On our radios, we were being directed to a safe area. Resources were on the way,
but with the amount of smoke in the air we couldn’t see or hear helicopters or even fighter jets.
Two more members of our unit reached our location, panting for air from running so fast. A female named Anderson had been shot in the thigh. She sunk down to the ground, screaming in agony. We rushed to her side, ripping some fabric, forming a tourniquet in order to stop the excess bleeding. In that moment I pretended she was Kat. My mission was to get her to safety, no matter if my life was taken in doing so. If we could make it to the safe house, she’d survive. I was pretty sure it hadn’t hit an artery. If I had to drag her, I would.
Anderson hopped back to a standing position. She reloaded her weapon and looked directly into my eyes. It was the first real connection I’d had and thinking it could be my last moments breathing changed me. “You can do this. Stay behind me. No matter what happens, keep going. Do you hear me, soldier?”
When I turned around, I saw Mullins standing over the other ranger. He shook his head when our eyes met. While I’d been attending to Anderson, he’d been shot in the neck. It was obvious he was gone. Mullins picked him up over his shoulder, prepared to carry him out anyway. “We need to get moving. The bullets are getting too close.”
I turned to look at Anderson. She was cocked and ready. Since I had to cover both of them, I took in the surrounding area and started firing where I saw bright lights from weapons unloading. Structure by structure we traveled together, at this point we were fighting to stay alive.
Finally, we were greeted by soldiers waving us down. I recognized our lieutenant as the three of us jumped into a large vehicle. While a medic assessed the damage to Anderson’s leg, I turned back to watch something exploding into the air. The noise of fighter jets broke the sound barrier as they flew away from the cloud of fire.
The ground rumbled, but the vehicle didn’t let up.
We were told that they’d recovered the hostages. The ambush wasn’t expected, so they said. It didn’t matter if it was. Lives were lost. I’d killed at least two people, and I’d never be able to forget it.
Since I refused to let anyone see me shaken up, I went over to check on Anderson after being debriefed. She was sitting up when I entered the facility. Her face was so filthy that it made her teeth glow when she saw me coming her way. “You forgot flowers,” she teased.
I stood over her bed, appreciated the humor after something so terrible. “How’s the leg?”
She shrugged. “I’m out of commission for a while. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to go home to recover. They’re going to operate to remove the bullet. It’s stuck in my bone.”
“Ouch.”
“Thanks for covering me out there, Valentine. I know they prepare us for that, but it’s…”
I cut her off. “I killed today.” It was like I needed to confess even though she’d been there to see it.
“Me too,” she sadly replied. “I don’t think I want to do this anymore. I don’t want to die.”
I sat down on the edge of the bed, shocking her. “Neither do I.”
I stared at the far wall, avoiding eye contact with the girl. It had been a long time since I’d interacted with someone of the opposite sex, and I was too messed up to act accordingly. “Thanks for coming by and checking on me. Maybe you could stop by tomorrow and check on me again. I’m bored already.”
I smiled while I stood up. “Yeah, maybe. Keep your chin up, soldier.”
When I left the room I thought about a lot of things, but mostly the fact that I was in another country, fighting for freedom, while Kat was busy hiding from everyone that cared about her. I needed reprieve even if it was an innocent conversation with someone. It sure beat pretending that my heart was made of steel when it was obvious it wasn’t.
The next day I visited Anderson. Due to the severity of her injury, her surgery was going to be done back in the states. She had one more night of hell before getting to go back home safely. “You’ve come twice now without flowers, Valentine. I’m starting to think I’m not your type.”
I shrugged and pulled a deck of cards from my pocket. “I thought you might like these better.”
She smiled and scooted over on the bed to make room for a game. “Hmm, you might be right. Good call.”
We started playing a simple game while the woman in her came out full force. “So, Valentine, what’s your first name?” She reached for my dog tags as I answered anyway. “Brooks.”
“I like that. It’s different. Where are you from?”
“Near D.C., you?”
“Utah.” She laughed. “I know, it’s not as exciting as being neighbors with the president.”
“I’m from the burbs. The city is about thirty minutes away. Traffic sucks, and taxes are higher.” I was attempting to keep her smiling. For the first time in months it brightened my mood.
“How come you transferred to our unit? It’s obvious you know Mullins.”
“We went through boot camp together. He’s one of my closest friends. I don’t know why I got transferred. I either didn’t do something right, or I accomplished more than I should have. Either way I haven’t got a clue. I didn’t know he’d become a ranger until he showed up.”
“I thought when I came here I could do some good. I knew it was bad, but this is like standing in front of a firing squad. I’ve never wanted to be back home so bad. This isn’t what I signed up for. I’m all about defending our country, but why are we even over here fighting? It’s like our country picks fight to keep the military active. I’m done with it. The sooner I get home the better. I don’t even care if people think I failed. I’m just done.”
“You’ll be a hero. You were shot in the line of duty. You were brave.” If she only knew my demons, then she’d think her problems were minimal.
“A hero doesn’t murder people, Brooks. That’s what I feel like I am. A murderer. I killed a child. How can I live with that?” She began to cry, making me reach out and hold her hand.
“I’m struggling too. It sucks. I’ve got to keep telling myself that it was the right decision even if they were forced to be those people. They were prepared to kill us. If we didn’t fight back we’d be in a wooden box right now.”
I started to pull away, but she tightened her hold. “Please don’t let go. It’s fine if you’re not interested in me romantically. I know that’s not what this is. I just don’t want to be alone, not tonight. I didn’t sleep at all last night, and I know tonight’s not going to be any different. Just stay a little while longer. Please, Brooks.”
When she said my first name it touched me. A little spark flashed as if to remind me that somewhere deep inside I still had a longing to feel connected to someone. I reassured her by squeezing her hand. “I’ll stay as long as you need me to.”
People came and went around us, but I remained on that small bed next to her. We held hands and talked about the previous day. She told me about her family, and how they hadn’t had money to send her to college. I talked about my parents, what it was like to be a teenager, but never mentioned being a twin, or Katy Michaels.
Before getting up to head to my bunk, Anderson leaned forward and pressed her lips against mine. It wasn’t sexual, but more about her being appreciative. “Thank you. I’ll never forget what you’ve done for me.”
Just as I started to get up and walk away, she called out to me. “Hey, Valentine, maybe you could look me up when you get home?”
“Yeah, maybe I can show you around the nation’s capital.”
I didn’t know when I walked out of that medical facility that it would be the last time I saw Anderson. During her transport to the airport her convoy was attacked. All three travelers were slaughtered and left on the road to be discovered at a later time.
We weren’t even notified until two days after it happened, and even then I found it impossible to fathom. She was so close to going home, only to lose her life in such a horrendous way. How cruel life had been to her.
July 9th
There are no words to exp
ress how I feel tonight. It seems that my path of destruction has claimed the life of another innocent victim. I’ve relinquished all hope on humanity. Death is eminent. I can’t avoid the road that I’m on, nor can I understand how I got to this point voluntarily. I’ve killed. I’ve taken someone’s child, ending their life. I aimed my weapon at them and pulled the trigger. I’ll never forgive myself, just like I don’t think the image will ever leave my mind. At this point I don’t think I deserve to return home. There’s nothing there for someone like me.
I’ve been trained to kill people.
I just found out that a new friend lost her life tragically. Given my luck, it’s probably all my fault. She was on her way back to the states. She had hope. I wondered what she felt in her last few minutes on this earth. Did she suffer?
I don’t know who I can talk to about this. It’s too hard imagining that this could also be my fate. I just want to go back to a time when life was carefree, and the biggest thing I had to worry about was making Katy Michaels smile. God, I miss her so much. I miss everything about the life I used to live.
Chapter 20
September 11th
I wish I could talk to her. I know, of all days, she was thinking about her parents, wishing there was some way to change the past. I wished she could because I know I wouldn’t let her slip away from me if I got a second chance to do it all again. I would have told her after our first kiss that she was going to be my future. I would have held her hands that night when she pressed her lips against mine, and when we pulled away she’d know that I was already in love with her. I would have reminded her every morning when she woke, and then before she closed her eyes at night. I would have made her so happy. I hope wherever she is she knows that’s the truth.
That next week I took it upon myself to write to Kat, hoping that eventually my parents would find her, or at least an address I could send it to. Until then, it would stay in my journal.
Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Page 12
