Nothing I did would bring him back.
November 11th
I lost my friend today. He’s the only person who knew what it was like for me when I first left home. We’d taken this ride together, and I don’t really know if I can continue on this journey without him. If he’d only been in the back of the line near me, he’d be sitting next to me right now, still whistling his annoying carols. Instead he’s going back to the states in pieces. I wondered if he’d requested to be stationed with me. Had he died because he wanted to be with me again? It was more proof that every person who gets close to me is cursed.
I don’t know how I’m going to get over this, or how I’m expected to go back out there again. I don’t want to die, but I also have no idea how to stay alive.
November 24th
It’s Thanksgiving, but I’m not real sure what to be thankful for this year. I’ve seen too much death to be able to appreciate that we stopped to have a semi-nice meal. I mean, I’m not really sure we ate turkey, and if it was it certainly wasn’t freshly plucked. The instant potatoes were nothing like my mother made, and I don’t even want to get started on the stuffing. For entertainment, a couple of people sang and told jokes. I sat across from Anderson and Spence, saying nothing as they seemed to be enjoying themselves.
Later, after we left the makeshift mess hall, I found Spence sitting out at my special place. She was alone, obviously waiting for me.
“I don’t really feel like having company tonight, Spence.”
“Well I don’t feel like hearing that. Come on Valentine, I know you’re upset, but you can’t shut me out. It’s like you’re with us, but you’re not. Mullins wouldn’t want you to act this way. He told Anderson what you’ve been through. We both know you’re hiding a huge heart behind that wall. Valentine, let me in. Talking to someone will help.”
I turned to face her. “It won’t bring him back. Nothing will. He’s dead, Spence. I watched him being blown to pieces. I was there.”
“I’m not arguing about that.”
“Look, I get that you’re trying to help me. I don’t need you reminding me of everything that’s wrong in my life. It’s fucked up as it is. Just go enjoy the night with your other friends.”
She reached for my arm. “I’m not leaving you, Brooks.” Using my first name wasn’t going to make me cave.
“Can’t you take a hint? I don’t want you here. Just go away!” I had to be rude. Spence was stubborn. She’d fight me.
She crossed her arms over her chest. “No! I’m not going anywhere.”
I buried my face in my hands and closed my eyes. If she wanted to sit there all night so be it, but I wasn’t going to keep her company.
I felt her hand on my arm again. “Do you have any idea how special you are? He loved you like a brother, Brooks.” She paused when I didn’t respond. “What we do, how we risk our lives, it’s our job. He died defending our country even if it wasn’t during an attack. Mullins was brave. Two weeks ago we lost our friend too. You know, I told myself that when I got over here I was going to keep to myself, that I didn’t want to be attached to something temporary. I didn’t even make it to land before I met Anderson. You might be strong enough to hold it all in, but I’m not.”
“I’m not strong,” I whispered.
When our eyes met she could see what I’d been hiding. In that instant I broke down right in front of her. Spence leaned on me while I let go of the pain, accepting that our fallen friend was in a better place. “He’s with his daughter now,” I said quietly.
“He’s happy then. I know it’s where he’d want to be.”
After that, we started talking about the good times we’d shared in the past month with the women, and even before that. I told her about times when we were back in boot camp, and how he’d always tried to talk me out of being so hung up on Kat.
We ended the night back in the storage shed, taking out our frustrations on each other. Instead of using a punching bag, we found solace in sex. Time after time I felt nothing when it was over, just that empty hole coming right back into my mind, reminding me that I was alone.
When I laid down in my twin-sized bed at night I couldn’t remember what it felt like to hold someone in my arms or spread out on an extra large mattress. I’d forgotten what breakfast cooking while still being in bed smelled like. The one thing that I knew I could never let go of was Kat. I could close my eyes and smell her shampoo. I could touch my own skin and recall what it was like to feel hers. Every single detail of that woman was etched into my mind.
Spence was right. I couldn’t dwell on what we were unable to change. We had to keep going because if we stopped we lose ourselves completely. We weren’t just physically fighting to survive. We were battling to keep from losing ourselves.
November 28th
I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I miss him. I miss everyone. It’s like life won’t give me a break. I’m fucking dying in misery. What did I ever do to deserve this kind of outcome? Am I really cursed? Is there a target on the back of my head? If so, I wish the bullet would come sooner than later. I can’t take this torture much longer. I’ve woken up for the past week wishing I was dead. Anything is better than living this way. The monotony of this tour is brutal. Each day I wake up praying not to go out into the field. I don’t want to see anymore death. I can’t handle it. Every time I close my eyes I see Mullins on the ground in pieces. I don’t want that fate. I’d rather put a bullet to my head and end it quickly. I can’t be one of those soldiers that hangs on. I think I’ve suffered enough already.
If this is the last entry I make, I hope it doesn’t go unread. I want everyone to know what it was like for me to walk away from everything I love only to come here and die. I’m better off gone, because another day, week or month in this place is going to rip me apart until there’s nothing left.
Chapter 22
December 24th, 2011
I woke up to mail being delivered. There were two packages from my parent’s address, and a red envelope with my brother’s name as the return sender. I figured that since it was Christmas Eve, I could at least open this bunch of mail, instead of sticking it with the other’s I’d never bothered to read.
The Christmas card from my brother was signed by not only him, but also a Melissa. I couldn’t help wonder if it was the same Melissa that had been Kat’s friend, and maid of honor. It was definitely something I’d like to hear about for entertainment purposes. Included in the card was a note from my brother, simply stating he wanted to get past our issues. I rolled my eyes and put the card to the side, focusing on one of the two boxes.
Wrapped in smaller, individual packages were three presents. I smiled as I pulled them out and opened them. The first box contained chocolate truffles. I’d been getting them in my stocking since I was a child. My parents knew they were my favorite. I popped one in my mouth, savoring the familiar flavor. It was like heaven, almost bringing me back home for just a moment in time.
The next box contained a pair of gloves. Even though I had military grade ones, these were a newer version, and much more versatile for the weather conditions I was currently experiencing. I could use my weapon without having to remove them.
The third package was a photo. It was one I recognized immediately. I had a copy of it in my room. Branch, Kat and I stood outback under the tree house. We were all about eight at the time. They’d obviously blown up the original to a larger size and included a note with it.
Brooks: I thought that maybe you’d like to have something to remind you of what home is all about. We’ll always be family, no matter how far you all go. There’s no place like home.
Love: Mom & Dad
I sat there holding that picture for the longest time, hoping one day I’d be able to return to that yard. Even though they weren’t pictured, I appreciated my parents more than they’d ever know.
The second box addressed to me contained books and magazines. They must have known how boring it might get. Once I
was done with them I’d leave them in the rec area for everyone to be able read also.
Before I could change my mind, I grabbed some paper and started writing my parents back. They wouldn’t get it right away, but at least they’d know I was grateful. Just as I began to write their names down I felt a burning in my eyes. This wasn’t how I saw my future when I was a kid. I’d never pictured being away from my family, missing out on traditions, and sharing moments together. I missed them all so much, but knew there was nothing I could do about it.
I crumbled up the paper and headed to where the phones were located. After waiting in a line, I finally had the opportunity to dial their number.
Hearing my mother’s voice was so relieving.
“Hello?”
“Mom, it’s me, Brooks.”
“Oh, honey, it’s so good to hear from you. We’ve been so worried.”
“I miss you.” I could barely get the words out. “It’s getting hard to keep it together, mom. I think I made a huge mistake.”
I could hear her beginning to cry on the other end of the connection. “I pray for you every day. We watch the news, hoping you’re okay over there.”
“I’m trying to be. I lost a friend last month. We were in basic together.” I fought back the burning in my throat. She didn’t need to hear me upset. “I watched him die right in front of me.”
“I can’t imagine what that was like for you.”
I decided to change the subject, to keep from losing my shit and wasting the call. “How is everyone at home? Are you ready for the holidays?”
“We’re getting there. Did you get your packages yet? We mailed it two weeks ago.”
“Yes, I got them this morning. They’re awesome. Thanks for sending them. It was nice to wake up to presents.”
“I wish we could fit more in the boxes. Your father thought I was silly for wrapping them all individually, but I wanted them to be special.”
“It was sweet, mom. Thanks.”
The line was quiet for a couple seconds. “Brooks, there’s something I want you to know. Katy called a while back. She didn’t say much, but she asked if you were okay. I think it was the fourth of July. She seemed upset.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”
“She hung up after that. I didn’t have anything to tell. The call couldn’t have lasted more than thirty seconds. I told her to come home. I pleaded.”
“It’s okay, mom. You don’t have to be upset about it. Kat obviously needs more time. I’m sure it’s hard for her to face you and dad after what happened.”
“I love her as if she were my own child. We’d never turn our backs on that girl.”
“Maybe it had to do with pride. I don’t know. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about her, but there’s nothing I can do. Until she wants to be found, we just have to sit back and wait.”
“You’re right. Though her presents keep piling up. We still include her, expecting she’ll come home one day. I can’t give up hope.”
“I can’t either.”
Once again the line was quiet. I’d said too much about Kat.
“I hope you have a good day tomorrow, Brooks. Your father and I love you so much. He’s going to be upset he missed this call. Please keep your chin up. You’re stronger than you know.”
“I love you, mom. Tell everyone I’m okay. I’ll talk to you soon. I promise.”
For a few minutes I stood outside trying to calm down. Kat had reached out to make sure I was okay. She still cared. Even though it was temporary, I was happy for the first time in months.
Feeling the sentiment of the holidays I headed to grab something to eat early so that I’d be able to see Anderson and Spence. Like always, the girls were sitting at a table having their coffee. Spence smiled when she saw me approaching. I pulled the box of truffles from behind my back and sat them on the table. “Merry Christmas, ladies. My parents sent these. I’ve been trying to watch my figure, so I thought I’d share the calories around.”
Spence picked one up and began unwrapping it. “How thoughtful of you,” she said sarcastically.
“I’ve been stress eating for weeks. If that hits my mouth it’ll go straight to my ass.”
I popped another one in my mouth and looked around at the people in the room. For once everyone seemed to be in good spirits. “It’s weird seeing everyone in a good mood.”
“I wouldn’t call it a good mood, Valentine. We’re all stuck here instead of being home. If we’re lucky none of us will have to go out into the field for a couple days, but Muslims don’t care about Christian religions. If they’re smart, they’ll use it to their advantage.” Anderson’s comment made me lose my appetite. I’d never talked to her about Mullins death, or at least her feelings about it. My own feelings kept me from talking about things that hurt. I knew better than to drudge up parts of my life I needed to keep buried, for my own sanity.
“How about we try to remain positive?” Spence had a point. Thinking about the negative was only going to put us in bad moods.
“If we don’t do something we’re all going to end up in the ground. Our heads need to stay on.”
Anderson waved her arms around, pointing at the two of us. “I don’t know why you aren’t taking advantage of this time off. Shouldn’t you be in a shed somewhere, naked and consumed?”
I tried to laugh it off, but when I turned to see the look on Spence’s face I realized she thought it was a good idea too. I stood up and nudged my head for her to follow me. “Come on.”
She giggled. “Seriously, right now?”
“We’re going on an adventure. See you later, Anderson. Thanks for the push.”
Instead of the shed, which was getting pretty old, I borrowed a vehicle, and we set out into a deserted area. Once I had the vehicle in park, Spence and I looked around to make sure we were alone. She then climbed over to my side. When she was on top of me, with her arms around my neck, we kissed. I opened my eyes to be staring into hers. “Valentine, you sure do help the time pass.”
“Yeah, you too.”
“I talked to my ex today. I know he’s been dating, but he swears he’s waiting for me to come home. He says he wants to get married.”
I wondered if I should push her off of me. Was this some kind of end to our arrangement? “What are you telling me this for?”
“I just wanted to talk about it. Is that off limits?”
“No. It’s just weird.”
“Have you heard from your girl? What’s her name again?”
She was killing the mood. “Katy.”
When I looked away she could already tell I hadn’t been in contact with her. “I admire your devotion, Brooks.”
“Yeah, well I think it’s a joke. What good will it do?”
“Don’t give up on her. When we’re all home safe I want to hear about the two of you finding each other again.”
I started to push her off me. “We should go back to base.”
She stopped me. “Wait. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Kat and I won’t be together in the future, Spence. We don’t even know where she is.”
She sighed and unfastened the door before climbing out of the truck. When she disappeared toward the back I got out and followed her. “Where are you going?”
She plopped down on the sand and closed her eyes, dragging her hands in the sand. “Sometimes I like pretending I’m on sandy beach. I’m sweating because the hot rays are beating down on my exposed skin.”
I sat down next to her and looked around. There was nothing but dead plants and dirt mounds. “You have a vivid imagination.”
“Just close your eyes and hold my hand. Go with the flow.”
I did as she requested, only because I knew she wouldn’t let up. When my head hit the sand I found her awaiting grip as her fingers laced with mine. My eyes closed, and I did my best to focus on being at a beach.
“Can you feel it?” She asked.
“What?”
&nb
sp; “The mist of the water.”
“No.”
She didn’t budge. “Fine. What if I was your Katy? Can you imagine holding her hand on a beach?”
I focused on Kat, realizing how easy it was to fantasize about being close to her. “Yes.”
“What would you talk about?”
“Anything. Everything. She was my best friend.”
“So let’s talk. You’re on a beach and you’re together. What would you say to her?”
“This is stupid.”
“Shut the hell up and go with it, Valentine. It’s just us. I won’t tell if you don’t.”
I kept my eyes closed and focused again, imagining that I was holding onto Kat. “I’d tell her I missed her.”
“Talk to her. Try again.”
“Fine.” I waited a second to think about what I’d say if I were on that beach with the love of my life. “I missed you while I was away.”
She squeezed my hand tighter. “I missed you too, Brooks.”
I wanted this to be happening so much that I finally let myself fall into the game. “I’ve thought about you every day, imagining holding you in my arms again.”
“We’re here now.”
“Marry me.”
Spence sat up and leaned on her elbow as I looked over at her. “You’d ask her to marry you with your eyes closed?”
“I don’t know.” She was so confusing. “You said to pretend you were Kat.”
“When you ask her to marry you, look her in the eyes.” She got closer to my face while climbing on my lap. Her fingers traced my mouth. “Speak from your heart, but never take your eyes off of hers. Make sure she knows that nothing else matters to you. She’s everything.” When she kissed me I felt carried away in her words. “Show her how much you missed her in the way you hold her. Promise to keep her safe forever.”
I couldn’t hold back any longer. I kissed Spence, pretending she was Kat, and she was letting me do it. I tossed her hat to the ground and dug my hands into her hair, pulling her against my mouth. Her tongue teased mine, just enough to force me to reciprocate. She started unbuttoning my fatigues, one at a time. We spent the next hour pretending we were other people, making love in the hot sand of the desert. I couldn’t remember a time when I hadn’t thought about the negative around me. With each touch, stroke, or connection, I imagined I was on that beach with Kat.
Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Page 14
