I tugged my hand away as fast as possible. “Sorry.”
Kat peered forward. “Yeah, so that was weird.”
I cleared my throat, trying to figure out what to say next. “Your husband seems nice. Does he make you happy?”
“He’d do anything for me.” I wished it weren’t true. I wanted her to say he was a loser, so that I had a reason to still want her.
“So, you’re happy? Well, before all this happened I mean.”
I couldn’t stop staring at her as I awaited her reply. She captivated me, just like she always could. It was effortless, the connection between us. “Yeah, I guess. We’ve had our problems. Bobby had an accident at work and his legs were both broken. It’s taken him a long time to be able to get himself mobile again.”
“I guess I just want to know if he gives you everything you need, because for all the years that I’ve been away, I somehow believed that I was the only person that could be all that you wanted.”
When our daughter ran by chasing a little boy it made me chuckle. “Do you remember how I used to follow you like that?”
“I remember chasing you.” Her answer made me beam.
“Kat, all of this feels like some sort of out of body experience to me. I’ve got a two-year-old daughter and you’re married to someone else. I feel like at any second I’m going to wake up and it will have all been a wonderful dream.”
Without removing her eyes from mine, she spoke. All I wanted to do was reach over and touch her lips. I wanted to remember what it felt like to touch her again. “It’s real. I’ve been living this life for almost three years now. I can assure you that you’re not going to wake up.”
I leaned in close, so that I couldn’t be heard by anyone else. “Then I just need to know one thing.”
“What?”
“You’re not going to like it. It’s just really been bothering me.” It was probably a terrible conversation to have in a play park, but I hadn’t been given a rule book.
“Say it.”
“Did you ever consider having an abortion?” I put my hand up to keep her from prematurely answering. “I’m asking because you were all alone. You knew I wasn’t coming home for years and that you’d have to raise the child yourself. I keep trying to make sense of everything. I won’t be mad if you did. Looking at what we’d created was the most fulfilling kind of feelings I’ve ever experienced, but I get that you were alone and scared. So tell me, Kat. How did you know you were going to be okay?”
She responded so quickly that I knew it was never an option for her. “I never considered terminating the pregnancy, Brooks.” She glanced at our child for a second. “Because no matter where you were, I knew I had a piece of you growing inside of me. Giving that up was never a question.” Our fixed eyes made the hair stand up on my arms. It was intense. “That night we spent together in that hotel room was the second best night of my life.”
Her words meant the world to me. She couldn’t know how worried I’d been that she’d regretted the night we spent together. “What was your first?”
“The day I gave birth to your daughter.”
That did me in. That moment when the truth crossed her lips I was done for. I peered down at the floor, reached over and put my hand on her knee, knowing damn well I was crossing a line. “I can’t stop loving you, Kat,” I whispered.
I’d said it and she’d heard me. When I turned to look into her eyes again I was taken back by all the emotions overwhelming me. This woman was my everything. I existed because of her.
Kat sat there stunned that I’d been so open about it. Maybe she was shocked that after I discovered her secret, I still had such strong feelings for her. That’s honestly how I knew it was real. Kat was never an infatuation for me. It had been love from the very beginning; the kind that doesn’t ever go away.
Chapter 31
It was so easy catching up with Kat, so long as we avoided discussing our own feelings. That topic was off limits even though I had to fight from expressing them on several occasions. It was hard being so close to her and not wanting to touch her.
Kat made it easier. When things felt like they were becoming intense she would change the subject. If anyone could tame my beastly parts it was her. She knew exactly how to lock them up and threaten them if they wanted to come out. To keep our conversations mundane we’d bring up silly things, or talk about old times.
She told me about her friends, church, and even a little about her marriage. I refused to let my guard down because I knew I’d start suggesting things that were inappropriate. Even though I wasn’t going to lie about them, I didn’t want to cause trouble for Kat. She seemed to have a good marriage, and I was no home wrecker, even if I thought she was mine in the first place.
Little B wanted chicken nuggets and fries, and I was determined to give her whatever her pretty little heart desired. We set out to have a nice supper together. The whole time I kept smiling because we were eating like a family. While I kept our daughter out of the high chair to be next to me, Kat made sure she was on her best behavior, by promising ice cream as a reward.
Seeing her as a mother was something I’d never taken the time to imagine. She was so good at it, almost like it was natural. I knew she’d had two years of experience, but her patience was impressive, especially since neither of us had ever been around small children before.
At one point she kept checking her watch. I asked Kat if we were taking too long, but she insisted that everything was fine. Every once in a while we’d catch each other gazing. I was so happy to be around them that I wasn’t worried about anyone seeing us that might know her. We weren’t doing anything wrong, but having a meal with our child. At some point, it wasn’t going to be a secret who I was to them.
Our little girl couldn’t make it through her meal without starting to doze. I paid the check and helped get her in the car before we started on our way back to her house. B feel asleep shortly after being buckled in. Even while she slept I found her stunning.
The closer we got to Kat’s house, the more things were bothering me. There was a lot I needed to get off my chest, and I couldn’t do it with people around. I pulled over on the side of the road and threw the vehicle in park. “What is it?” She asked.
“You know, I kept your letters, even after I moved back home and found out you had a family. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t come to terms with throwing them away, because it felt like I was throwing away our love.” I brushed the back of my hand across her cheek while looking at her. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling Kat, but when I’m with you, I feel like nothing has changed between us. Now we have a little girl. I mean, Jesus Christ, we made a baby together. She’s so freaking perfect, too. I look at her and I see both of us. I can’t be angry with you because all I wanted for so long was to be a part of your life again. I get that you’re married, and he makes you happy. I can respect that. I won’t push or ask you for something that you can’t give me, but I have to know the truth. I have to know if what you said to me in all those letters was true. Do I still have your heart, or did you already give it to someone else? When you look at me do you see me as a threat or is it something entirely different? Kat, I can’t see you every single day and not want to touch you. It’s been one and I’m already freaking out because I’m having to take you home. Just tell me to back off.”
She reached over and put her hand on my arm. I could tell she was in deep thought. Her eyes closed, and I half expected her to lean forward and kiss me. “I’m not afraid of you Brooks. I know you’d never hurt me. You love her already, I can see it in your eyes. I’ve watched you holding her and falling for her. Somehow she already knows you’re special.”
“You’re avoiding my question.”
“You don’t want the truth.”
I looked away, feeling as if she’d given her heart away. It hurt to imagine. “I think you just said it.”
I knew it was time to take her home. I couldn’t sit there and wish
for something that was never going to come true. I didn’t speak again until we reached the house. “So tomorrow, can I come by the same time?”
“Yeah. It’s Sunday. We usually go to church, but we’re back before one. You can come over anytime after that.” She was very rehearsed, almost professional as she spoke to me.
“And you’re going to tell Bobby about my parents coming?” I didn’t want another fight happening because of me. This time it wouldn’t be my fault since she’d offered.
“Yes, but just so you know, the house is mine. I had it built when I was separated from Bobby. It was part of my trust money. I own it free and clear.”
I was happy for her. Her parents would have wanted that. “I should have known you’d spend it wisely. Your mom and dad would be happy about that.”
“I think so too. They’d want B to have a home that she loved. I always loved where we lived. The only hard part was watching another child moving in after they were gone. Hopefully B won’t have to deal with something so tragic.”
I agreed, “Yeah. You don’t have to worry about me going anywhere. Due to my injury, I’m no use in the field. All I do nowadays is train recruits on procedures. I feel more like a school teacher than a soldier.”
“You’re safe. That’s all I care about.” It felt nice to hear she cared.
She looked away, probably so I couldn’t read her like I was constantly trying to do. “It’s going to be nice seeing you again every day. I really missed you.”
She touched my arm again. “I missed you, too.”
It was hard to pull in the driveway knowing that I was saying goodbye. A part of me wanted to take them hostage and keep them for myself in some undisclosed location. I know it sounded crazy, but my mind wasn’t really on a sane level.
After I managed to unhook my little girl, I hugged her close to my body, kissing her on the head. “I love you, bug.”
Kat was quiet as I handed my sleeping beauty over to her. It was hard knowing they were going inside with her husband. It should have been me, and I think she knew it too. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I swore something was off about her. I kept chalking it up to us having had a nice night together, but she was giving off vibes that she didn’t want to go inside and deal with her husband. I wondered if he’d said something about this whole situation that rubbed her the wrong way. Knowing Kat like I did, I figured she’d tell me if it was important enough to be concerned about.
I looked toward her while wishing I was still holding my daughter. Our eyes met one more time, and I couldn’t help from keeping them fixed there. God, I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to be the one that she called when she was having a bad day, and the shoulder she cried on when she just couldn’t take anymore stress.
I didn’t mean to dislike her husband, but he was taking my place. He was doing my job, and I’m not just talking about in the bedroom. He had every bit of her that counted, well every bit except one thing, and as the words came out of her mouth I suddenly knew why she seemed so worried about going inside.
“I meant every word that I wrote in those letters, Brooks. I could never completely give my heart away, not when it was with you the whole time.” Kat’s last statement to me wasn’t just a shocker. It had left me wondering what I could do to make it all possible for us. She still loved me, so much that she’d just admitted her husband didn’t have that part of her, because it belonged to me.
I stood there wondering what I should do or say. Obviously we were in a complicated situation. She was married by law. I’d promised the man that I wouldn’t interfere in their marriage, yet every part of me wanted to. I didn’t know how to handle it.
I watched her walk inside before getting into my truck. Even after I’d pulled out of the driveway my mind was still on those words. I considered myself a strong man, but it took more willpower than I had to not turn back around and take what was mine.
As a kid, I’d always had to share. Doing so caused me to lose the one thing in life I wanted for myself. I’d been down this road before, and it had ended badly. While driving I wondered if my mistake was fighting for her, or doing nothing at all.
To say I was high on life would have been an understatement. I was in love with two girls, one of which I helped create. Thinking about them made me smile. I felt alive, and overwhelmed with optimism. My future would always consist of my daughter. Even if I couldn’t be with Kat the way I wanted, nothing would prevent me from spending every second with my little bug, not even her husband. That child had my name, and I knew there was no way Kat would allow him to put a stop to my visitations. Still, I felt like the next topic we talked about was going to have to be custody. I didn’t want a big court battle, but I felt as if I needed to have it documented. If this guy felt threatened, there was no telling what he’d do to keep me away. The worst part of it all was the fact that he needed to feel that way, because it was clear after one day I was definitely a threat, even to myself.
I knew it was wrong, but I still wanted her for myself. Married or not.
I wouldn’t cross any lines, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about it.
Chapter 32
The next morning I was high on life. I’d been up for a couple hours, and my whistling was beginning to get on everyone’s nerves. They couldn’t understand what it felt like to be this close to heaven. I was so excited about spending the whole afternoon with my girls. This time I was going to take them on a tour of the base. I wanted Kat to know that B would be safe when she was with me overnight. If I needed help, I’d have it. This was all going to be okay.
When my phone started to ring in my pocket I put it up to my ear before answering.
“Sergeant Valentine speaking.”
I heard her laughing right away. Apparently she got a kick out of me being professional. “Hey, it’s me, Katy.”
“You don’t have to say your name. I don’t have a slew of women calling me on this number.” I didn’t mean it to be anything more than a joke, but when the line remained quiet I wondered if she was considering that I did.
“Oh. Well, I’m calling to tell you that today won’t be good to come over. Bobby made plans, and I didn’t know about it.”
This was terrible news. My day was ruined. How was I going to be able to make it another day without them?
“Man, I got off early in hopes to spend extra time there.” I paused and tried to be nice about it. “It’s cool. I’ll figure out something else to do. I guess I can always start looking for places. My roommate in the barracks isn’t going to want me bringing a kid to spend the night.”
“I’m sorry, Brooks. I don’t want you to feel like I’m keeping her from you. I’d never do that.”
“It’s fine. I know you wouldn’t keep her from me.” Kat sounded weird. It got me wondering if something else was going on.
“So, I better get going. It’s early and I need to get B ready for Sunday school.”
“Can you take a picture and send it to this number? I’d love to be able to show the guys.” I was hoping the picture would be one with her in it too. Married or not, she was still the mother of my child. Our child. God, I loved the sound of it.
“Sure.”
“So, I guess I need to hang up now?” I could have spent the whole day talking to her like teenagers do.
“What do you do on your days off?” Her question made me really worry. She didn’t want to stop talking, which could only mean one of two things. Either she missed me already, or someone was putting her up to cancelling our play date.
I decided to give her something to be jealous about, only because I loved hearing her react. Yeah, it was wrong. She needed to stay focused on her husband, but I knew what buttons to push, and still felt like I had some pent up anger lingering toward her. I mean, she did keep my child from me. Making her jealous was a good payback because I knew how mad she’d get at me for doing it. That also meant more phone time for me while she tried to figure out if I was telling the truth or not. �
��I hook up with random chicks that love a man in a uniform.” Then I realized just how naughty I was being. It was important for me to be a friend to her, not get my jollies over her making her freak out. We weren’t teenagers anymore. I had to act like a grown-up would. “I’m kidding, Kat. Although, there are women that would pretty much do anything for a man in fatigues, I only have eyes for one girl.”
“Stop it, Brooks. Today is not a good day to joke around.” She was so short, almost rude. I’d hit a nerve.
“Sorry. Are you alright? You seem kind of snappy. Did your being with me last night cause problems with you and your husband? Was it what you said last night?”
The line got quiet. I almost started to ask if she was still on the other end of the call. “Talk to me. Am I overstepping? If I’m causing you problems, we can make other arrangements. I mean, I’ll miss being able to see you, but I understand.”
“I’m fine.” That answer was way too short.
“I know it’s been a while, but I’m pretty sure there’s something you’re not telling me.”
I waited for her to tell the truth, but she refused by simply pretending I hadn’t asked.
“Would it be okay if we just talked tomorrow? I’ve got to go get ready for church.”
“Yeah, sure. I’ll call you in the morning.”
It was pretty upsetting for me to end the call when all I wanted to do was hold on for as long as possible.
I’d no sooner got up to refill my coffee and spoke to petty officer about paperwork when my cell phone started ringing in my office. I rushed inside to pick it up, noticing the same number calling again.
I answered it formally to get a laugh out of her.
“Sergeant Valentine.”
Kat was crying as she spoke my name. “Brooks.”
“Kat? What’s wrong?”
Her voice was so shaky. Right away I was worried something was terribly wrong. My mind went back to when Mullins was explaining how he woke up and his daughter was dead in the bed beside him. I didn’t know anything about SIDS, but wondered if this call was going to be the nail in my coffin. I couldn’t handle losing what I just been given.
Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Page 20
