by Hale Deborah
Caroline was the first to break the awkward silence. ‘I saw you looking at my hand. I want to explain about the ring.’
‘There is no need of that.’ Bennett shook his head vigorously. He could not let her speak of it until he’d had his say. If he was to have any hope of altering her choice, it must be before she had openly declared her decision. After that he must remain silent, or it would be as if he had not allowed her to choose freely at all. ‘I beg your pardon for interrupting, but there is something most urgent I must tell you first.’
Caroline seemed to brace herself for what he was about to say. Was she reluctant to hear his clumsy declaration of his feelings? Did she fear it might move her to take him back out of pity?
With those thoughts plaguing him, Bennett had to force himself to continue. ‘I know I said you would have a free choice and I mean to honour that offer. But I fear I may have left you with the wrong impression of my feelings in the matter.’
A bottomless pit seemed to open in the depths of his belly and all his other organs threatened to sink into it. ‘I assumed you would understand my reasons…and thus my feelings.’
He groped for Caroline’s hand, hoping his touch might convey more than his halting, self-conscious words. ‘Now I fear that may have been asking too much, for you and I have never understood one another properly since we first met.’
Caroline seemed to understand better than he’d expected, for she gave his fingers a reassuring squeeze. ‘I believe I do know what you meant by giving me this choice. Your generous gesture spoke louder than words.’
Tempted as he was to refrain, Bennett made himself continue. ‘Actions may speak louder than words, dearest Caro, but not always clearer. Difficult as it is for me, I need to share what is in my heart. For my own sake as much as yours. In the past weeks, you have taught me so much about how to express love. It is only fair that you now receive the benefit of that tutelage.’
Her lower lip began to tremble and her beloved blue-green eyes sparkled with the suggestion of a tear.
In spite of what he feared those signs might mean, Bennett persisted. ‘It was wrong of me to ask for your hand in marriage when I did not love you. But that is in the past and I cannot change it. All I can do is ask for your hand again. Only this time I do…love you, more than I can say.’ His lips twisted into a wry grin. ‘Obviously.’
Now that the word was out, like a tightly wedged cork pried from a bottle, others followed a little more easily. ‘I fought hard to resist these feelings, for I was afraid they would leave me vulnerable to the kind of hurt I’d suffered as a child. The kind of hurt I later inflicted upon you. I cannot begin to tell you how much I regret that. Nor can I blame you if you are unable to forgive me or care for me as you once did.’
The reminder of that painful longing lent Caroline’s features a look of heartbreaking beauty.
Bennett feared he might be persuading her to do the very opposite of what he wanted, but he felt compelled to make certain she knew how much he regretted the pain he’d caused her. ‘Against my will, that love for you grew stronger and stronger until I could no longer deny or resist it. So I surrendered to it heart and soul. I love you, Caro! I will always love you, even if you choose to be free of me. What I tried to tell you this morning about your wedding ring was that if you will put it back on and give me the opportunity to win your love again, you will make me the very happiest of men.
‘There.’ He blew out a long breath. ‘I have said my piece at last and the choice is still yours to make. Do not make it out of pity or duty, but only in the way you believe will secure your happiness. I will be content with that.’
‘About the ring…’ Caroline began hesitantly. ‘I fear it holds too many unhappy memories for me ever to wear again. And I do not wish to revive the feelings I once had for you, because I now see they were not love, after all.’
His heart would not break, Bennett assured himself, though it pained him fiercely. His love for Caroline and their son was the binding that would hold it together. Neither did he regret the long-overdue declaration of his feelings. At least now he would know she had made her choice from a position of knowledge.
‘What I feel for you now…’ she continued. ‘What I will feel for you for ever after, that is love. You have won it already. Or, perhaps, it has won us.’
Had he heard her correctly? A different kind of ache gripped Bennett’s heart as it threatened to burst with joy. His look of bewilderment brought a smile of such transcendent brightness to Caroline’s face that it was like staring directly at the rising sun. Certainly, it made Bennett’s eyes sting.
Reaching up, she strove to smooth away any lingering furrows of distress from his countenance with the gentle balm of her caress. ‘I would take a new ring, however, if you will give me one. As a symbol of our new feelings and our new marriage.’
The best answer he could give his darling wife was to sweep her into his arms for a lingering, joyful kiss.
‘A new marriage,’ he agreed, a few moments later, savouring the divine sweetness of those words. ‘This time, a love match.’
Epilogue
London—August 1833
For perhaps the twentieth time in as many minutes, Caroline pulled back the curtain of her dressing-room window and peered out.
On this occasion, she was rewarded by the sight of her husband riding up the broad drive. Though her heart always beat a little faster when she saw Bennett again after even a brief absence, today she had an additional reason for excitement.
Leaving her maid to continue packing for the family’s annual holiday on the Isles of Scilly, Caroline headed for the door. Out in the hallway, she started for the staircase, only to meet her daughters.
The elder one flashed Caroline an ingratiating smile that usually managed to secure whatever she requested from her doting father. ‘Mama, I’ve been giving some thought to my début. After all, I will be seventeen by next Season.’
‘Don’t remind me.’ Caroline looked from Hannah to her younger sister, Elizabeth. ‘You are both growing up far too quickly.’
After so many years devoted to raising her children, she wished she could keep them with her a little longer. Wyn had already completed his studies at Cambridge and was hard at work on a book about the natural history of his beloved Isles of Scilly. All too soon, her pretty, accomplished daughters would be out in society. Thank goodness ten-year-old Thomas was not in such a tearing hurry to grow up.
‘I was hoping,’ continued Hannah in a wheedling tone, ‘that you and Papa might host a ball for me at Almack’s to make my début.’
The mention of Almack’s brought a faint blush to Caroline’s cheeks. She had not set foot in the place since that fateful night all those years ago. Finally happy in her marriage and busy with her growing family, she had not missed it in the least. But now, her daughter’s request raised an awkward matter.
‘Surely that old place is not still in fashion, is it?’ She started down the stairs. ‘The Lady Patronesses must all be in their dotage by now.’
‘Please, Mama,’ Hannah implored as both girls followed her. ‘Almack’s may not be quite as exclusive as it was in your day, but I assure you, it is still a most desirable establishment for a young lady of distinction to come out in society.’
Caroline chuckled, ‘You sound as if you’ve swallowed a copy of The Court Journal, dearest.’
‘Mama!’ Hannah protested. ‘Just because you and Papa are such notorious homebodies, it is not fair that I should be denied a fashionable début.’
Though her elder daughter might look a great deal like her, Caroline knew young Hannah had inherited her father’s tenacity. She would keep bringing up the subject of Almack’s until she got her way…or learned the truth.
‘Don’t fret, my dear. You’ll be presented at Court and we will host a lovely ball for you.’
‘At Almack’s?’
Caroline shook her head decisively. ‘I’m afraid your papa and I have not been welcome
there for many years, even if we’d wished to attend, which we do not. Now pray excuse me. Your father is home and I must speak with him.’
Her revelation seemed to render Hannah speechless. But not Elizabeth. ‘Why are you unwelcome at Almack’s, Mama? Is it because of your Abolition work?’
In recent years, Caroline had been involved with the Ladies’ Abolition Society and found far greater satisfaction in that work than she had in her former amusements.
‘Abolition had nothing to do with it, dearest.’ If she’d been less anxious to get away, Caroline might have found a more discreet manner to discourage her daughter’s question. But today she wanted a few minutes alone with her husband before the children swarmed all over him. ‘I’m afraid we caused something of a scandal.’
The girls’ mouths fell open and their eyebrows flew up to such comical heights it made Caroline chuckle as she descended the last few stairs.
She emerged a moment later from the imposing front entrance, just in time to see Bennett dismounting. His bearing was as straight and proud as ever, though he now found it easier to bend down to embrace his wife and children.
As a stable boy led his horse away, Caroline hurried towards her husband. ‘Welcome home, dearest! How was your day in the House?’
‘Long, as usual,’ replied Bennett, though he did not look tired. ‘I happened upon an old friend of ours today at Westminster.’
That was not what Caroline wanted to hear about, but since her husband clearly wished to tell her, she was prepared to listen. ‘Which old friend might that be?’
‘None other that Fitz Astley. I scarcely recognised him. He’s gotten all jowly and crippled up with the gout.’
‘You sound almost sorry for him.’ Caroline shook her head in amazement.
‘Astley did play a part in bringing us back together.’ Bennett caught her hand and raised it to his lips. ‘I cannot help but feel that singular service cancels much of the trouble he made for me when we were younger.’
The warm pressure of his kiss upon her fingers stirred feelings of desire in Caroline that had not cooled from the earlier years of their marriage. ‘I suppose you can afford to be charitable since you have prevailed over him in the long run. Now tell me what business was transacted in the Lords today?’
‘Let me think.’ Bennett pretended to search his memory. ‘After a great deal of tiresome debate, the Catholic Marriages Bill passed second reading. And the China Trade Bill was sent into committee with several amendments.’
‘Anything else?’ Caroline knew perfectly well there must have been. But if Bennett chose to tease her a little today, he surely deserved to be humoured.
‘Oh, yes, now I remember. The Ministerial Plan for the Abolition of Slavery passed third reading.’ As he spoke those words, his voice grew husky with emotion. ‘All it needs now is his Majesty’s signature to make it law.’
‘At last!’ Unable to contain her elation, Caroline threw her arms around her husband and embraced him warmly.
Everyone had known the bill would be endorsed by the Lords once it passed the House of Commons. The outpouring of popular feeling over the recent death of William Wilberforce had only made its passage more certain. Yet Caroline knew her husband considered this day the crowning fulfilment of his long and distinguished career.
That scandalous night at Almack’s had been a setback for the cause, but only one of many over the years. She doubted it had delayed today’s sweet victory. The whole matter had surely been long forgotten…except by them. Looking back, Caroline often gave thanks that she and Bennett had been given a second chance at happiness and found the courage to take it.
‘I would not have had the heart to persevere without your support, my angel,’ Bennett murmured, holding her close. ‘And this triumph would mean far less to me without you and our children to share it.’
A volley of giggles made them look up to see their mischievous daughters spying on them from the drawing-room window. Laughing back at the girls, Bennett kissed his wife on the lips with barely restrained passion.
As they headed back into their happy home, arm in arm, Caroline glanced down at her wedding ring with a smile of radiant joy. Though she had never taken it off in the past sixteen years, she had no trouble recalling the inscription Bennett had shown her before placing it upon her finger.
‘In case I ever have difficulty telling you,’ he’d whispered, ‘this will be your reminder.’
Treasure…cherish…love.
Since then, a day had seldom gone by that he did not show or tell her of the devotion that grew deeper with each passing year. A devotion she amply returned.
* * * * *
ISBN: 9781459223332
Copyright © 2012 by Deborah M. Hale
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