by Maisey Yates
Jake shook his head. “I was so angry. So fucking angry. I couldn’t do a damn thing right for him. He told me to go out and check on the wheat field. So I did. I went out there with my lighter and my cigarettes, and I thought to myself it would be so easy to just smoke the place. To make all my problems go away. Because if the ranch wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have to take care of it. I wouldn’t be able to fail it. And I just did it. I didn’t have any control over my emotions. I didn’t have any control over my impulses, and I threw the lighter and the cigarette down the field. I watched it burn, Cassie.”
Cassie put her hand over her mouth, careful not to interrupt him. Careful not to make a sound.
He continued. “I regretted it pretty quick, but by the time I tried to put it out, it had gone too far. There was nothing I could do. Nothing I could do but watch my anger burn out of control. I didn’t leave. I was thrown out. My father told me he never wanted to see me again because of what I’d done. So I got my bike and I left. I never came back.”
Cassie pictured Jake as he’d been. The long, lean boy she’d known, with a chip on his shoulder and a reputation she’d always assumed was misunderstood. And she realized that she had been doing him just as much of a disservice as everyone else. Other people had written him off, while she had been looking at him through rose-colored glasses. Both things had prevented people from seeing what was actually going on with Jake. Some people had made him a villain; she had made him a fantasy. And all the while no one had seen the boy as he was. No one had seen that he needed help. That he was drowning, in hurt, in grief and in rage.
“Oh, Jake, I’m so sorry.”
He took a step back from her. “Why are you apologizing to me?”
“Because I should’ve seen, I should’ve asked you. Should’ve talked to you. I was so busy fantasizing about making out with you that I never stopped to see you as a person. And I did the same thing last night. You’re not just a fantasy, you’re a human being. And I didn’t see that.” She took a deep breath. “I didn’t see past myself. What I wanted.”
Jake laughed, the sound bitter, echoing off the canopy of trees. “Most men wouldn’t complain about you seeing them as a fantasy, honey.”
“But you know what I mean, Jake.”
He looked down. “I guess I do.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize to me. What I did was inexcusable. I cost my father Lord knows how much money, unless he got the insurance to cover it. But probably not, seeing as it was arson.”
“You don’t even know?”
“No, I don’t know. I left, and I never came back.”
“Because he told you to.”
“Yeah, and I was looking for any excuse.” He let out a long breath. “Don’t try to make me the victim here. I was the bad guy.”
Cassie scrunched her nose. “It’s funny, I thought of us as opposites all this time. I looked at you and I saw a guy who had the kind of freedom that I envied. My mother always made me feel guilty. Like she had sacrificed everything to have me. And she did, Jake. In fairness, she did sacrifice to have me. So I felt like I had to live my whole life to please her. On the surface we seem different, but if you really look closely I think we’re the same.”
“Why? Did you set your mom’s kitchen on fire?”
“We both had people who wanted something from us we didn’t know how to give. I changed myself. I did everything I could to be the person my mom wanted me to be, even if I didn’t want the things she wanted. I wanted to own a business, I wanted to go to college. But my mom made me so conscious of the importance of finding a man and getting married, and not ending up like her, that I did that instead. Without even realizing that was what I was doing.” She was only just now fully realizing it.
She bent down and picked a dandelion, snapping the heavy yellow head from the stem before she continued. “But it wasn’t me. It wasn’t right. I don’t even think I loved him. Not really. I loved the idea. I loved the idea of finding someone, and having this idyllic family life that my mother had always wanted, but couldn’t give us. I wanted to give that to us. And then when push came to shove and he didn’t want to be married anymore, I didn’t even know how to fight, because I had always just gone along with what other people wanted for me. Then I was standing there, a failure in my mother’s eyes. And it didn’t even matter what I thought, how I saw myself, because it had never mattered to me before. I think we are just the same. Your father wanted something from you, but instead of bending over backward to try and do it like I did, you flipped him the middle finger and did everything you could to rebel against him.”
“That’s basically us being opposites.”
She laughed even though she didn’t find any of it particularly funny. “Except, if you think about it, both of us were just living for other people. Neither of us were doing what we wanted. We were reacting to the things other people told us. What do you want, Jake? What do you want from life?”
He rubbed the back of his neck before dropping his hand and making eye contact with her again. “I have what I want. At least I had it. I just want to go back to Seattle, I want to buy the mechanic shop, and I want to keep living.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve got a handle on everything now. Coming back here just stirs it all up.”
“Probably because you don’t actually have a handle on it.”
“I do. I just need to get away from this place.”
“And what would you do in Seattle, Jake? Once you have your mechanic shop, then what?”
“What kind of question is that, Cassie? What will you do? Are you going to keep living to please your mother? Are you going to run your coffee shop and try to find a new husband? What are your goals?”
“My goals? I’m good with figuring out who I am. Apart from all of this. Apart from expectation. I’ve already started. I have my business. Right now, I have you.”
“Not for long.”
Okay, so she’d overstepped here. She’d been feeling...brave. Not herself. And she’d said something dumb. Damn, that hurt. Even if it was true. And she knew it was. She didn’t expect this to be a forever thing. She knew she couldn’t keep him for very long, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t miss him when he was gone.
“I know that, okay, Jake? I’ve been married before. I don’t really want to go there again. Not just now. Now when I’m still getting everything together.”
“Is there a point where we’re supposed to have it together?” he asked. “Because if so, I seem to have missed it.”
“I intend to someday. I’m tired of settling. I’m tired of settling for my mom’s dreams. I’m tired of just accepting what gets lobbed at me. I think I deserve more. Don’t you?”
“Do I think you deserve more? Hell yeah. Do I think I do?” He squinted and looked off into the distance. She wondered if he was looking toward the field he’d lit on fire. “I think I deserve what I worked for. I don’t really think I deserve much else.”
And she could tell the subject was closed now. That she’d pushed things much further than a one-night stand should be allowed to.
“Do you want to show me around?”
“That is kind of why I brought you here. I was going to show you the field I burned. He never grew anything in it after that. At least, it doesn’t look like it. Still a bunch of ash.” He swallowed hard. “Sometimes you just can’t undo stuff. Sometimes you can’t fix it.”
“Do you wish you could fix things with your dad?”
“I don’t know. Our relationship was what it was. I doubt he ever changed.”
Her heart felt like it was splintering, for him. For the rift he would never have the chance to heal.
He walked up the porch steps, and she watched one of them bow beneath his weight, and she followed carefully to avoid the one that was compromised. He unlocked the door and s
he trailed him inside. The inside of the house smelled stale. It looked clean enough, but as she walked across the wooden floor she could see that there was a film of dirt on the wood, could see where Jake had walked when he’d come in on previous visits.
“Are you going to clean all this yourself? Are you going to get someone in to help you?”
“I don’t know. I’m trying to find the line between how much work I can miss, and how much money I want to fork out. Basically, I’m sacrificing vacation days that I never take to be here. So at this point I’m not losing money. But I’d really like for this venture to be an asset, and not a drain. So there’s only so much I’m willing to invest.”
“That makes sense.” She thought about their previous conversation. “And you want to use the money you get to buy the mechanic shop you work at.”
“Yep.”
“Why is that so important to you?”
“Because it’s what I’ve been working for.”
“And you only want what you worked for.”
“Makes sense, right?”
“I suppose so.” She stuffed her hands in her back pockets and walked deeper into the room, looking at all the furniture, the dusty Afghan laying across the dusty couch. It was such a quiet space. And she had a feeling it hadn’t been when Jake and his father had lived here. “Is it weird to be back?”
“You have no idea.” His voice was rough. And all she wanted to do was reach out and touch him. Offer comfort. But she didn’t know if she should. Didn’t know if he would feel like she was invading his space. Or take things further than he wanted to.
“So you’ve never thought about staying?”
“I can’t stay here.” Blue eyes clashed with hers. “There’s nothing for me here.”
I’m here.
She left that unsaid. Because hadn’t he just told her that she wouldn’t have him for long? He made it very clear that this wasn’t permanent. One night hardly meant forever. And she knew that intellectually, but it didn’t stop her from wanting more. The ache that was building in her chest wasn’t based on logic. It was based on that connection that had always been there. That had never been uprooted, no matter how life had tried to dig at it.
“Well, did you ever wonder why he left it to you?”
His hollow laughter filled the room, and he put his hands in his pockets and leaned back against the wall, resting his head against the cracking plaster. “I’ve done nothing but wonder that since I came back.” He cleared his throat and lowered his head. “The old man told me never to come back. So why the hell would he leave it to me? I would’ve thought he’d be more likely to leave it to you. Or to some vagrant. Or a drinking buddy.” Jake shook his head. “I have no idea why he picked me. No fucking idea.”
“Do you think the reason is important?”
“I’ve never treated anything the old man did like it was important. Why should I start now that he’s dead?”
“I suppose that’s a good question. You know, I never knew my dad.” She didn’t know why she was telling him this. She didn’t waste a whole lot of time worrying about her dad, or lack of one.
“I suppose that means you’re going to tell me I should appreciate the one I had.”
“No, I don’t think that at all. I just think crappy parents have a lot to answer for.”
He laughed again, and this time it was much more genuine. “Now on that I absolutely agree with you.”
“So, can I help you today?”
“It’s your day off, Cassie. I hardly think you should spend it scrubbing out this place.”
“I want to. Jake, let me do this for you.”
“Why do you want to do anything for me? I thought I was just your rebellion.”
“My rebellion can take a backseat. For today I can just be a friend helping another friend. Two people who have something in common hanging out together.”
“Is that something in common that they really like getting in each other’s pants?”
She had a feeling he was trying to be offensive, but instead she was flattered that he wanted to get into her pants again. “Sure, that. And the fact that we’re both trying to make lives for ourselves outside of what people told us was possible. Outside of what people told us we should want.”
“All right, Cassie. I’ll accept your help. But only because I’m in no position to do otherwise.”
“You flatter me so. Now where can I find a mop in this place?”
* * *
BY THE TIME Cassie was done cleaning she could hardly say the place sparkled. If anything, the house seemed like it had been brushed over with a patina, leaving a dull, well-worn look to everything. But it couldn’t be helped. In some ways it was charming, especially now that there wasn’t a layer of dust covering every available surface. Baby steps.
Jake had been outside all day, throwing junk into a Dumpster that he’d had the disposal company bring out to the property, and making arrangements for the bigger things to be hauled away. He was also working on finding homes for the animals. By the time they got on his motorcycle and headed back into town, they were both on the brink of exhaustion.
About halfway there, it started to rain. The sky seemed to break apart as cold water poured out over everything, fat drops hammering the two of them as they rode on.
By the time they reached the apartments, they were both soaking wet, and Cassie was saying a prayer of thanks for face guards. They dismounted the bike and she tugged off her helmet, shaking out her hair, the damp ends splattering the leather jacket.
Jake turned to face her. “Thanks for your help. I really do appreciate it. I know sometimes I have a hard time showing it. But I think now I’ll go ahead and pay for that muffin you dropped on the floor.”
A crack of laughter burst from her lips. His displays of humor were so rare, so few and far between that they always shocked and delighted her. “Well, your generosity is appreciated. I fear the lack of revenue from that muffin was really going to affect my bottom line for the month.”
“Hey, the hazards of owning a small business.”
She smiled at him, and he smiled back. Such a simple thing, but it made her heart squeeze tight. Made her stomach flip over. “We’re still standing in the rain,” she said, her words sounding a little dazed. Because she was a little dazed. By this. By him. By whatever was happening between them.
He looked up, raindrops falling on his face, rolling over the bridge of his nose and down his cheeks. “So we are.”
“Do you want to go inside and get dry?”
“Just a second.”
* * *
JAKE DIDN’T OFTEN act on impulse, not anymore. But something about Cassie seemed to bring out a side of him he had long repressed. And tonight, he was acting on impulse. Again.
He wrapped his arm around her waist and tugged her against him, relishing the feeling of her soft breasts pressed against his chest. Then, before he could think it through too much, before she could protest, he brought his lips down on hers and kissed her.
Her lips were soft, wet from the rain, tasting like salt air, sex and Cassie. He dipped his tongue into her mouth, sliding it against hers, feeling her shiver beneath his touch.
She was so hot. So perfect. Everything he could ask for in a woman, and then some. He had never wanted like this, or if he had, he certainly didn’t remember. And if he couldn’t remember, the feeling couldn’t have been this strong.
Because this kind of desire would stay with him, just the way a rainy afternoon in the library studying math had. Memories like that should’ve faded, and yet they hadn’t. Cassie was too vibrant. When he was touching her, when he wasn’t touching her. It was like holding life in his hands. Not just something alive, but the very essence of life. Warmth, beauty, air. Everything a person needed. Everything they could possibly want
. And he knew without a doubt he didn’t deserve to be holding her. But he was. For now, for as long as he could, he would.
And it didn’t matter that it was raining. Or maybe it did. Maybe it was the rain that made the two of them together feel possible. That made this feel fresh, and new. Maybe it was the rain made him feel different, like he could have this. If only for a moment.
He wanted to push her up against the side of the building and take her there. Right there on the main street of Copper Ridge. He wanted to stake a claim on her, when he had no right to do that. He wanted to shove his control to one side and simply do as he pleased.
Dangerous. Those thoughts were dangerous. And right now, he didn’t even care.
He managed to wrench himself away from her, his body protesting, his brain driving the boat for a moment as he tried to convince himself that they needed to move this somewhere a little more private.
“Let’s go back around to my door,” he said.
He didn’t want to walk through the coffee shop with her, not now. That desire was in complete opposition to the one he had only a moment ago. To the fantasy he’d had about taking her outside so that everyone would know she was his. In reality he knew he couldn’t do that to her. He couldn’t link her that closely with him in public.
Because in the end, he would be leaving. And Cassie had to stay. Cassie was the one who would have to deal with the fallout of having a fling with him. And he wouldn’t do that to her.
He had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to leave her entirely unscathed, but on this score, he would protect her.
“Okay, I’m not going to argue.”
He grabbed hold of her hand and started to lead her to his door, fumbling for the key and opening it as quickly as he could, his fingers clumsy, numb from the cold rain.
He waited for her to walk inside before he slammed the door shut behind them, making sure it was locked. Then he turned to her, his heart pounding heavily. “My hands are cold.”
