by Ciara Graves
“You do as Blade said. Figure out who you are. Find the middle ground. The balance.”
“But I don’t know who I am. And your hint was not good, by the way,” I muttered. “Actually, it sucks.”
“Hint?” He frowned, then his eyes widened, and he rubbed the back of his neck, grimacing. “Yeah. That wasn’t a hint. Sorry. You looked so sad, thought I’d cheer you up.”
I looked at him blankly then burst out laughing. Once I started, there was no stopping the mirth pouring out of me. I doubled over, holding my aching sides as tears slipped down my cheeks. Leave it to me to have the familiar who was more concerned with cheering me up than helping me figure out who I was. When the tears finally stopped, and I reined in the last few giggles, I noticed eyeing me with a worried expression.
“What?” I wiped my eyes.
“You’re such a happy person underneath it all,” he mused.
He sounded so sad that new tears burned in my eyes for a different reason.
“Yeah well. What do they say; war changes a person?”
“It does. But it does not who they truly are.”
I planted my hands on my hips. “And who am I underneath all this crap, huh? Who? Because I sure as hell can’t figure it out. Am I the daughter of a baker or the daughter of a soldier? Who am I? Just give me a hint.”
Merlin raised his hand. “Watch. And tell me yourself.”
The white haze around me shifted, and figures appeared, moving within it.
Slowly, the haze cleared, and I was watching at myself as a kid, helping Mom at the bakery. I saw myself smiling and laughing as we baked together. I was young, and as I observed, Dad appeared, coming in from a trip. He looked exhausted. Now I knew why, but back then I’d just been a little kid who didn’t know any better. I ran to him and hugged him close. The smile that appeared on his weary face made tears spring to mine.
The image shifted, and I saw myself over the years, growing up, always being supportive of those I considered friends. I saw myself at Four Point, the first day I met Brogan, how we hit it off so easily. Then I was there with him and Chas, sparring, and laughing, even after a hard day of training.
When an explosion lit up the darkness, I stepped backward, not wanting to relive the battle again.
“Watch,” Merlin instructed. “Trust me.”
There we were, the three of us, in the midst of the fighting, banding together and fighting as one single unit. Even when I tapped into my necromancer power, I remained connected to the two of them.
“At that moment, when you thought they were going to kill Chas and Brogan, when you were wounded, you had a moment of perfect balance. All you have to do is find that again.”
“How? I haven’t been able to get there again without her getting in the way.”
“Because you doubt yourself. You’re running from what you can do instead of becoming one with it. You are a necromancer. And you’re also a frost mage. Together, your powers will play off each other. You will do incredible things, alone and with your team. But first, you have to seek that moment.”
I looked at the frozen image of myself, eyes a mix of glowing blue and violet. What had I felt while so much power rushed out of me? I hadn’t wanted to kill the soldiers, even after being shot. I could have easily drained them of life, I knew that now, but I’d kept myself in check. I would do what was necessary to save those around me, yes, but I understood there would be a cost to pay and I had to know when to hold back.
“No,” the voice of the shadow said from behind me.
Merlin rolled his eyes. “Go away. This is my moment.”
The shadow crossed its arms, the violet path of the necromancer beneath her feet, crashing into the blue beneath mine. “I would if you weren’t filling her head with fantasy.”
“What fantasy?” Merlin argued. “You have to be kept in line.”
“Do I? If her father hadn’t done so, he might be alive. If he’d let himself do what was necessary.”
“What are you talking about, you weren’t there. Wait. Were you?” I asked.
“Not me, exactly. The same power that flows through you existed in him. And he had a choice to make. He chose poorly. I will not let his daughter—his legacy—do the same.”
“That isn’t your call to make,” I said, fighting to stay strong.
But the shadow moved closer, and a replay of the conversation I just had with Brogan ran through my mind. But this part, I didn’t remember this part.
“What did you do?” I whispered, knowing why there’d been such an intense look of hurt on Brogan’s face now when I’d walked away. “You can’t make that decision for me. You are not me.”
“I am you. I am the part of you that will ensure you survive.”
“Stand strong,” Merlin whispered. “You are the one who won the fight that night. Not it. Remember that.”
The shadow sighed. “You need me.”
“I do,” I admitted, “but like he said. I’m in control, not you.”
“Do not try to smother me,” it warned. “You will not like what happens after.”
I squared my shoulders and took a step closer, the blue of the mage path following my steps. “You will follow my lead, not the other way around. I am in charge. I make the rules. You are a part of me, but at the end of the day, this is my life. My choice.”
The blue spread out, surrounding the violet path, but the shadow made no move. Had no sign of panic. “I cannot be contained forever.”
I ignored its warning and closed my eyes, reaching back to the exact moment I tapped into both paths successfully.
At the time, it had been so new and strange. It had seemed like someone else was in control. In truth, it had been me all along. I knew that now and embraced that fact. I was a necromancer and a frost mage. At the heart of those, I was a warrior, but not a killer. I had morals, and I would follow them.
“I will not warn you again, Rori, if you try to suppress me or ignore me, it will not end well.”
I smiled at the shadow. The blue path completely surrounded it now. I said nothing at all, simply shut my eyes again.
When I opened them, I found myself back in the meditation room. Merlin lay on the floor in front of me. He craned his head to the right, his tongue lolling out the dead side of his mouth.
“Thanks, think we did it.” I scratched him behind the ears and rose to my feet.
First order of business was to track down Brogan and apologize, see if I could repair the damage that had been done.
I should probably find Chas, too.
And tell them both about my breakthrough at the same time.
Something told me I owed both of them apologies.
Sitting on the chair in Brogan’s room, I cleared my throat.
He sat on the edge of his cot, not making eye contact.
The air between us was thick with tension.
“So, I—uh, I wanted to talk to you.”
“You said that, twice now,” Brogan said. “Rori, what’s going on? Is this about what Blade told you?”
“No, ah—it’s about what I said to you earlier.” I scratched my head and reached for my braid.
Brogan closed the space between us and took my hands away from my hair, holding them in his.
I let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, for whatever I’ve been doing lately that doesn’t seem like me.”
“Is it you?”
“No. Well, partially—it’s hard to explain,” I said with a bitter laugh. “I might have had a talk with myself inside my head. Along with Merlin. I think I fixed it.”
“Merlin? You talked to your familiar, as in actually talked?”
“Turns out he can take a more human form inside my head. Neat, huh?”
Brogan’s brow furrowed, but there was a knock at the door, drawing his attention. “Yeah?”
“Seen Rori?” Chas asked.
“In here. Come on in,” Brogan said.
The door opened.
Chas eyed us
both curiously as he stepped in and shut the door. “Did I miss something?”
I got up and went to him, holding out my hand. “I owe you an apology, too.”
“For what exactly?”
“For being off these last couple of days, a week really. I can’t recall what I might’ve said to you, but whatever it was, it wasn’t me, and I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry for something you didn’t do?” Chas looked at Brogan. “Is this making any sense to you at all?”
“Not exactly, but we didn’t get very far.”
“Why don’t you have a seat,” I told Chas, “and I’ll tell you both what I know.”
At first, I wasn’t sure where to start, so I picked up from the night my familiar appeared. I talked and talked, and neither one of them said anything, which was good. I wanted to get through all of this then they could ask me questions. When I finally reached the end, up to the point where I went to find Brogan, both of them were watching me with blank looks on their faces.
“Well?” I said slowly. “Look, I know it sounds crazy, but that’s what happened.”
“No, I believe you,” Brogan said, glancing worriedly at Chas. “You sure you’re good now?”
“I feel better if that helps. Lighter. Not as worried. I guess?”
“You guess?” Chas repeated. “Rori, you can’t keep this shit from us, alright? We’re a team now and all tied together. If one of us is having issues, it affects the rest of us.”
“I know, and I said I was sorry, but there’s so much going on. You two are struggling, just like me, and I’m not going to be the one who weighs everyone else down just because I can’t get my crap together,” I rambled on.
Brogan grinned, and Chas growled.
I kept on talking. “But I promise from here on out, if I feel off, I will tell you both right away. Happy?”
“Happier,” Chas muttered. “I’m serious, though Rori, any change at all.”
“I will tell you. You don’t have to worry about me anymore.”
“Why does that not make me feel better?” Chas grunted as he stood up and stretched. “Right, you two look like you want to suck face, so I’m going to go before that starts.” He winked at me.
My cheeks grew hot, and Brogan cleared his throat, turning red.
Chas laughed and let himself out, shutting the door soundly behind him.
I held my hands behind my back, wondering if should just go, in case it got any more awkward, but then, Brogan was on his feet, and the second he reached for my hand, I fell into his arms.
He kissed me, and I was more than happy to return the favor.
“I’m sorry about what I said earlier,” I murmured.
“I didn’t think it was you. The whole time, I knew that something was wrong. You should’ve just told me.” He hugged me to him like he never wanted to let go. “You can always come to me—or Chas—with a problem. You should know that.”
“I do. I was trying to deal with it on my own. And I did, sort of.”
He rested his forehead to mine, scowling. “So we’re good then?”
“Yeah, we’re good. You were right about us, and I’m not about to throw that all away.” I reached for his hand and wove our fingers together. “That’s what’ll get us through this war.”
He held me close, just hugging me, and the last bit of tension left my body in a heavy sigh.
I glanced at the door, thinking of Chas and my gut twisted as several confused thoughts rushed through my mind.
I liked Brogan quite a lot, but we were missing that spark we had when we were first together. No matter how much I willed it to come back, something told me we’d lost it for good. Though the shadow might’ve been right to break it off with Brogan, if it was going to happen, I had to make sure and do it correctly. Not simply because some formless power thought I shouldn’t worry about relationships.
I could do this. I was in control. The threats the shadow made disappeared as Brogan, and I talked about nonsense things. The weather, how much snow he thought we’d get, the base and what it was like being underground. We talked until I was yawning and my eyes fluttered closed a few times.
“That’s it. We need to get you to bed.” Brogan pulled me to my feet.
“No, I’m good, wide awake,” I lied, but he hauled me up and escorted me next door to my room.
“See you in the morning, Rori,” he whispered and kissed my cheek. “Sweet dreams.”
Back in my room, I rested against the door, nibbling on my lip.
Brogan was a good guy. No, a great guy, really.
He and Chas seemed to know me better than I knew myself and for that, I was grateful. Though now I worried I was finding myself drawn to Chas more than Brogan.
It was all so confusing and being so connected to them both only made it worse.
I hummed to distract myself from my overcomplicated musings as I changed into my sweats then walked into the bathroom to get ready for bed. I washed my face off and was drying it when a whisper sounded in my ear.
I dropped the towel, poking my head into my room, but it was empty.
“You’re fine,” I whispered to myself. “Nothing here, just you and yourself—shit!”
“Hello, Rori,” the face of the shadow said, reflecting back at me from the mirror. “What did I tell you?”
I shut my eyes, telling myself it wasn’t real, but when I opened them the shadow was still there.
“I’m not doing this to hurt you; I want you to understand that.”
“I told you I’m in charge and I’m going to stay that way,” I snapped. “Go away and leave me alone until I call on you.”
The shadow rolled its glowing violet eyes. “Think what you want, but sooner rather than later, you’ll be begging me to take over. And I’ll do it for you, Rori, because that is my duty.”
I blinked, and the mirror was empty, except for my face, and only my face.
Leaning heavily against the sink, I waited for my stomach to settle then turned off the light and curled up in bed, pulling the blanket over my face, and willing it all to be a dream, just a horrible dream.
Chapter 6
Chas
A shrieking alarm stopped our sparring session. Lights flashed.
Agnes directed us to follow her, then sprinted out of the room. Brogan, Rori, and I ran after her, running hard to keep up and dodging other soldiers.
Over the last three days, more Vanguard had been arriving, all with new intel about more attacks against magic communities, but with no leads about where their main operation was. Or who their leaders were.
“Agnes. Stay here with them,” Moran ordered when we reached the main floor.
“What? No. We can help,” I argued.
Moran was already shaking his head. “You are to remain here, understand? And Chas, do not even think of sneaking out, got it?”
I opened my mouth to argue, but Brogan and Rori each grabbed hold of my arm. I cursed, but nodded and watched as Moran sprinted up the steps, a trail of Vanguard behind him.
“What’s happening?” Brogan asked Blade, who appeared to be staying behind, too.
“A nearby town, about thirty miles from here. Reports of electrical impulses,” Blade reported. “The power’s been knocked out. That was the last we heard.”
“Where are the other commanders?” Brogan asked.
“Not close enough. Only reason Moran is going in. With any luck, he’ll catch the bastards, and we’ll finally have an advantage over them.”
Another soldier called Blade’s name, and he rushed over.
“Until we get word, you three are coming with me.” Agnes waved her hand.
“Where?” Rori asked.
Agnes turned and headed down another long stretch of corridor. “Make sure the infirmary is prepared. I have no doubt there’ll be wounded coming in if this turns into a fight.”
“Why wouldn’t it?” I asked.
“One can always hope, Chas,” Agnes replied in a tone that said t
his was clearly not her first time dealing with this stuff.
We prepped beds, bandages, and salves, made sure there were plenty of supplies for stitching.
Agnes had us prepare bed straps. “Just in case,” she said. “Pray we won’t need them.”
Minutes turned into an hour, which turned into two, and I was chomping at the bit, glaring up the metal stairs, waiting for word from Moran. He was a damned powerful shaman, but I still shuddered, remembering what it had been like to be struck by those grenades. Being cut off from nature and my power. I’d been vulnerable, and I never wanted to feel like that again.
“You keep growling you’re going to lose your voice,” Rori said in a low voice. “Moran will be alright.”
“You don’t know that,” I muttered. “None of us do.”
“I’m trying to stay positive and have a little faith.” She squeezed my hand,
She said nothing else, but her presence alone was enough to quell the beast ready to rage within me.
After another ten minutes, Brogan appeared at my other side. His shoulder brushed mine, and the connection between the three of us burst to life. All I needed was word Moran and the Vanguard were safe and that they were coming back with a prisoner.
“Call from Moran, sir,” a soldier called out over the railing.
“Report,” Blade shouted back. “What does he say?”
“All on our side are alive. They chased off the few anti-magic protestors. Several Cleansers were hiding among them. No attack and no casualties. He’s requested the presence of the Elite Guard and Sister Agnes to help with the evacuation. Says he’s bringing the townspeople here until he can ensure their homes are safe.”
“Any sign of corruption?” Agnes called up to the soldier.
“Moran didn’t report any, ma’am,” the soldier replied. “That’s all there was.”
She didn’t seem pleased with the answer, but then we were being ushered to the elevator and into a waiting truck outside the rundown cabin. None of us spoke as the truck bounced down the gravel drive, then turned onto the main road.
Rori clasped her hands in her lap, and Brogan’s leg bounced with nerves. I focused on my breathing, reminding myself we weren’t about to rush headlong into another fight. We were the cleanup crew. That did nothing to calm my rush of anxiety. Rori suddenly reached out to each of us and took our hands in hers.
