Those were thoughts for another time, though. The condition of the world as a whole wasn’t my main concern right at that moment.
I landed hard on the formally mirror-polished surface - now marred by scratches, scrapes, and a body-sized crater which marked the landing place of most who dared test Sally’s wrath.
Oh well, at least the ballistic glass that once covered the window looking down upon the club hadn’t been replaced. That shit kinda hurt to be flung through. Thankfully custom-made, bulletproof, one-way mirrors were in short supply these days.
Even so, damn! Marlene, the previous owner of this fine establishment, had certainly constructed this place to exceed specs. When your VIP clientele were vampires, some of them centuries old and with the strength to back it up, it paid to make sure the place could withstand a beating. Whether by coincidence or design, the bomb-shelter grade durability had proven to be highly convenient as the world plunged headfirst into chaos.
“You know she doesn’t like to be called that.”
I pulled myself back to a sitting position and turned to find Kara’s grinning face staring back at me. Tom’s younger sister was cute in all the ways her brother wasn’t. Unfortunately for her, he made up for that by still living in all the ways she was no longer capable of. She’d been turned into one of the undead at some point in the recent past, under circumstances that I still wasn’t entirely clear on. The only part of which there was no doubt was that I sure as shit wasn’t going to be the one to break it to my oldest friend that his sibling was now Sally’s bloodsucking sorority sister.
“I think you’ll find,” I replied, stretching and feeling my vertebrae snap back into place, “that I have no problem calling our illustrious leader whatever the hell I please.”
“Your funeral.”
“Smart girl,” Sally’s voice carried down to us from the now open portal above. “Now kindly get the fuck back to work.”
Kara muttered something under her breath before scampering away. It was probably a petulant dig at being ordered about. She tended to do that a lot, but Sally mostly pretended not to hear - oddly displaying an extra dollop of tolerance for her antics. Of course maybe that was just relative to what she afforded me.
“Care to rephrase your earlier statement?” Sally asked, her grinning blonde countenance peering down at me. I was so glad to see that clonking me seemed to help improve her mood.
A momentary temptation to nod respectfully passed through my mind, but fuck that shit. Our roles might’ve been reversed from back in our Village Coven days, but all that meant to me was I could give her a dose of her own medicine. “Yeah, I was thinking maybe we should just quit with the foreplay and move right on to the sex. Sound like a plan, Lu?”
Her eyes flashed black with annoyance. “How’s this for an answer?” She ducked back in and I heard the sound of wood scraping against wood.
Maybe it was the punch or the fall, but it took me an extra second to put two and two together. By the time I did, her desk was already crashing through the remainder of the plywood and headed my way.
I rolled to the right and fell off the stage just as it landed where I’d been sitting a moment earlier - shattering into pieces and greatly widening the crater in the middle of the stage.
Some people just had no sense of humor.
* * *
I was still dusting myself off when Sally came downstairs. While there was little doubt she’d probably put on a show for all the eyeballs present, I could also tell whatever real annoyance she’d felt had already burned itself out. Had she been serious about chewing me a new asshole, she’d have just taken the express route from above - probably landing far more gracefully than I had. Instead, minutes had passed and I saw that she was taking the time to acknowledge some of the refugees as she walked by them.
As much as I wanted to make a douchey comment about that, I couldn’t. Despite her iron-bitch exterior, she’d continually surprised me by showing what appeared to be genuine concern toward the welfare of most of the humans here.
Most being the operative word. It certainly didn’t go unnoticed by me that some had just up and disappeared - there one day, gone the next. Usually it was troublemakers, people that the others wouldn’t be sad to see leave. I wasn’t quite so naïve to believe they had conveniently moved on, though. At the end of the day this was still a coven and there were vampires that needed to be fed.
Sally sure as shit hadn’t reformed to the point of becoming Mother Theresa. It was just something to keep in mind.
She walked up to me and put her hands on her shapely hips. Despite the rapidly deteriorating state of the world, she somehow still managed to appear both kempt and fashionable - no doubt thanks to her personal stylist and fellow Village Coven refugee, Alfonso. Sally was only willing to go so far when it came to suffering for the cause. “Shall I assume my point has been made?”
She’d asked her question loud enough to get the attention of the room. It wasn’t surprising. Since joining her in Pandora Coven, she’d continually reinforced upon me that showing any weakness wasn’t an option for her. I could respect that, but it still didn’t mean I cared to lie down and play dead at her whimsy.
No matter what title she held, she was still Sally to me. Thus I was opening my mouth to reply with something guaranteed to piss her off when we were saved by the proverbial bell.
“We have visitors,” a voice called out. “They look official.”
We both turned toward the source, Steve - her other lieutenant in the coven. He was tall, thin, and pretty much all business - definitely a yes man, but I couldn’t deny he tended to get results. Needless to say, I had to listen to Sally constantly crowing about him. It would have become grating quickly had I not been certain that was exactly the reaction she was going for.
“Check them out,” she called back to him.
Much like an obedient dog, he turned back toward the entrance of the club and disappeared - nary a comment being made. There’s always gotta be one kiss-ass in the crowd.
I raised an eyebrow. “Vamps?”
“Or shape-shifters,” she replied tersely, our little spat apparently over for now.
In the weeks prior, the few visitors we’d had could mostly be compartmentalized into two camps: things trying to kill us and those seeking protection from the things trying to kill us. The former were usually not overly subtle, but there had been a couple of near disasters - enough to make everyone a bit paranoid. The ugly rock monsters that inhabited the storm drains beneath the city - I never could remember what the fuck they were called - made for pretty good doppelgangers when they wanted to. They’d tried more than once to gain entrance that way, but had failed mainly because we weren’t complete fucking idiots. No matter how human something looked, if it smelled like a pile of shit-encrusted granite, chances were it was getting blasted to hell. Pretty simple rules to live by all in all.
After a few minutes passed, and we noticed no gunfire or other such pleasantries being exchanged, we made our way to the entrance hall. Steve was just reentering the building followed by five others. Two were ours, guards. They stood flanking our guests. Even with so-called friendlies one couldn’t be too safe.
I didn’t need to catch their scent to conclude that the three newcomers were vamps. Most humans who came looking for sanctuary were in pretty dire straits, usually lugging the tattered remains of their belongings with them. These guys didn’t look nearly that desperate, though. Decked out in their black suits and trench coats, it almost seemed they hadn’t noticed the world going to Hell around them. Judging by their bored expressions, they found Armageddon about as interesting as watching moths fly into a bug zapper.
We’d gotten official visits before. The Prefect of the West Coast, a vampire named Yvonne, was known to send her representatives every so often. Sometimes they came with orders. Occasionally they came to check on how we were holding up. Rarely did they come with supplies, though.
That’s what caught my eye. The
two in the rear were carrying a large cargo container between them - roughly seven feet long by about three feet wide and deep. “Is it Christmas time already?”
“Could be,” Sally commented by my side.
The lead vamp, sporting an overdone mustache and goatee combo that made me wonder if he was going to start bartering for our souls, stepped forward. “Coven Master Sally, I presume.”
“You presume correct.”
His eyes strayed in my direction for a moment, looking as if he wanted to say something, but then turned back toward her. I seemed to be getting a lot of that lately. “We have been ordered to provide safe passage to your newest charge.”
“My newest charge?”
“Yes. We are delivering an assignee to your coven.”
I glanced toward Sally and her eyes met mine. They asked the same question I was thinking, what the fuck was this joker talking about?
“I didn’t realize Yvonne was in the habit of pre-stocking her covens,” Sally said. “If I’d known, I’d have baked a cake.”
“We are not from the Santa Clara complex.”
“Oh?”
“Orders from the First Coven,” he replied. “For security and safety reasons, the designee has been placed under your command.”
“Security and safety?” I asked. “Whose?”
“They didn’t elaborate.” He produced a thick sheet of papers from his jacket and held them out. Ye gods, even in the middle of the freaking apocalypse the rulers of the vampire world loved their goddamned paperwork.
Almost as if sensing my disdain, Sally took the bundle from our visitor and passed it over to me. “My assistant will see that these are properly filed.”
I took hold and promptly tossed them over my shoulder. “Filed. Can we open our present now?”
The look on the other vamp’s face was priceless. Typically that sort of thing would be an instant beating at the hands of an elder, but I had little doubt these clowns knew who I was. Maybe I wasn’t the prophesized flavor of the month anymore, but I still had enough of a reputation that most vamps wouldn’t start shit with me if they didn’t have to.
Sally, for her part, was wearing an expression that was halfway between exasperation and amusement. She liked the official bullshit about as much as I did, but still had an image to maintain. Concealing the barest of grins, she addressed the lead vamp. “Do you have anything else for me?” He shook his head. “Okay, then. Steve, kindly provide our guests with some refreshments and then show them the fuck out.”
Needless to say, her skills as a hostess had been somewhat strained these past several weeks.
Steve, being a far better subordinate than me, nodded for our guests to follow him inside - most likely to the bar. There was no point in ticking off the Draculas over something as silly as not offering their lackeys a little hospitality.
The two holding the crate let go unceremoniously and it landed with a heavy thud. A muffled curse sounded from within.
My eyebrows shot up at the seemingly familiar cadence. Nah, it couldn’t be.
I held my tongue until the undead delivery boys left the room, leaving Sally and me alone with the package. “Did that sound like...”
“Only one way to find out.” She stepped up to the crate, extended her claws, and shoved them under the lid. Being a vampire meant never needing to keep a crowbar handy. One quick heave later and the nails holding the top shut squealed against the wood as they gave way to her strength.
The cover clattered to the floor and we found a very familiar face staring angrily back at us from within.
“It’s about fucking time. I couldn’t breathe in this thing.”
Smiling broadly, I offered a hand to help our newest recruit out. My eyes glanced toward Sally and I asked, “So what do you think? Return to sender?”
“Nah,” she replied, a wicked grin forming on her face. “I think this one has possibilities.”
* * *
Half a Prayer
Coming soon!
Table of Contents
Me, Myself, and I
Conversation with a Madman
A Shock to the System
The Devil You Know
Blood Bath
The Accidental Tourist
The Eyes Have It
While You Were Sleeping...
Escape from Alcatraz
Head Cheese
Sightseeing
A Problem with Customs
Upgraded Seating
Pit Stop
A Hell of a Souvenir
Homecoming
No Rest for the Wicked
A Good DM is a Terrible Thing to Waste
Showdown in Newark
Early Morning Commute
Back in the Saddle Again
Chick Fight
I’m Walking on Sunshine
Hail to the King, Baby
Elevator Music
Tactical Retreat
Calling in the Calvary
Class Reunion
Top Headlines for the Day
Stake Out
White Lies
The Cult of Ib
Sunset is Never Far Away
A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Ambush
Headquarters is Where the Heart is
It Sure Beats Driving
A Slight Detour
Forewarned is Four Armed
Giant Furry People Eaters
The Long Walk Home
The Office Park of Ultimate Doom
The Gauntlet
Meet the New Boss
Title Fight
Dead Office Drones Walking
Applying for Dismembership
The Aftermath of an Ass-Kicking
The Earth-Shattering Epilogue
Author’s Note
About the Author
Bonus Chapter
The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters Page 35
