But it was the nights at home she enjoyed the most. Just being with him, sitting in the salon chatting, watching a movie or listening to music together, her head resting on his chest and his arms around her. It gave her a glimpse of what life could be like if they stayed together longer than the six months he’d stipulated. He was still driven by work and was often on the phone or answering emails, but she noticed he was more relaxed than before and seemed to smile and laugh more. Was it because his grandfather was on the mend and had decided to go ahead with his cancer treatment? Or was it because she had helped Luca to see there was more to life than work? That being in a romantic relationship could be positive rather than negative?
Artie had to bite her tongue so many times to stop herself from confessing how she felt about him but she let her actions do the talking instead. Every time she kissed him, she let her lips communicate her love. Every touch of her hands, every stroke of her fingers, every press of her body on his, love poured out of her. But she wanted to say it out loud. She needed to say it out loud. She needed him to hear the words—I love you.
They were sitting on the sofa watching the moon rise through the salon windows after a day of sightseeing. The moonlight cast a silver light over the surface of the infinity pool outside on the terrace overlooking the vineyard. Luca’s arm was around her shoulders, her head resting on his shoulder, and soft music was playing through the sound system—cellos, violins and the sweetly lilting tones of a flute. A romantic ballad that tugged at her heartstrings and made her wish there wasn’t a limit on their time together.
‘Luca?’
‘Mmm?’ One of his hands began to play with her hair, sending shivers coursing down her spine.
Artie tilted her head to look at him. ‘Luca, I want to talk to you about something. Something important.’
He brushed an imaginary hair away from her face, his eyes dark and serious. ‘Go on.’ His tone held a note of caution, unease, guardedness, but she refused to let it daunt her.
She swallowed a tight knot in her throat. ‘There’s so much I enjoy about being with you. You’ve spoilt me like a princess. You’ve treated me with so much patience and kindness and helped me build my confidence.’
He gave a half-smile, some of the wariness in his gaze fading. ‘I like seeing you blossom, cara. You’re a beautiful person who’s been hiding away for too long.’
Artie touched his face with her fingers, her love for him taking up all the room in her chest so she could barely take a breath. ‘I never thought I’d meet someone like you. And not just because I was locked away in the castello. But because I didn’t think people as wonderful as you existed.’
Luca took her by the upper arms in a firm grip, his expression clouding. ‘Look, don’t go making me out to be a hero, Artie. I’m hardly that. You’re confusing good chemistry with...other feelings.’ Even the way he hesitated over the rest of his sentence showed how reluctant he was to the notion of love, but Artie pressed on regardless.
‘Luca...’ She took a deep breath and plunged in. ‘I don’t want our relationship to be temporary. I want more, and deep down I think you do too.’
His hands fell away from her arms and he sprang off the sofa to put some distance between them. ‘You’re wrong, Artie. That’s not what I want. I’ve never wanted that. We made an agreement—’
Artie jumped off the sofa as well and stood in front of him. ‘We made an agreement and then we changed it to what it is now—a physical relationship that works on every level but the one that means the most to me. I can’t make love with you and keep my feelings to one side. They are the reason I want to make love with you. The only reason. I love you.’
Luca drew in a harsh-sounding breath and released it in a stuttered stream. He placed his hands on his hips, his shoulders hunched forward. ‘You’re young and inexperienced, of course, you’re going to think the first person who makes love to you is the love of your life. But believe me, I am not that person.’ His expression was like a walled fortress. Closed. Locked.
Keep out or face the consequences.
‘You are that person.’ Artie choked over the words as emotion welled in her throat. ‘You’ve been that person from the moment we kissed at our wedding. Something happened that day—I knew it on a cellular level. And—’
‘Will you listen to yourself?’ His tone had a cutting edge that sliced at her self-esteem like a switchblade. ‘You’re spouting forth a fairy-tale fantasy. It’s not real, Artie. You’ve fashioned me into some sort of romantic hero who ticks all the boxes for you. You need more life experience. You need to date other men so you can gain more perspective. You’ll thank me in the end. Tying yourself to me indefinitely would be a mistake. A mistake you’ll regret for the rest of your life.’ He turned away from her, drawing in another ragged breath, his tone softening. ‘Let’s leave this for now. I don’t want to upset you.’
Artie swallowed a tight restriction in her throat, tears stinging at the backs of her eyes. ‘But you’ve already upset me by not accepting that I love you. You’ve dismissed it as if I don’t know my own mind. I know what I feel.’ She banged her fist against her chest for emphasis. ‘I can’t deny my feelings or ignore them as you seem to do. They’re here with me all the time.’
Luca turned back around and opened and closed his eyes in a slow, God-give-me-strength blink. ‘Look, you’re one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, cara. You have so much to offer and I want you to be happy. I really do. But I’m not the person to make you happy. It’s not in my skill set. I don’t want the same things as you.’
Artie pressed her lips together for a moment to stop them from trembling. ‘I think you do want the same things but you don’t feel you deserve them because of what happened to your father and brother. I understand that more than most people, because I’ve experienced the same guilt for the last ten years. It completely imprisoned me, kept me from having a life of my own. But meeting you changed that. You freed me from my prison of fear and showed me I could have more than I ever thought possible.’ She came up to him and placed her hand on his forearm. ‘I know you have deep feelings locked away inside you. I feel it every time you kiss me. I feel it every time you make love to me.’
Luca brushed off her arm as if it was soiling his sleeve, his gaze hard, his mouth tight, his firewall still up. ‘You’re mistaking good sex for something else. It’s an easy mistake to make, especially when you’re not very experienced. But in time, you’ll gain experience and realise this is just a crush, an infatuation that can’t last.’
‘I don’t have to be experienced to know how I feel,’ Artie said. ‘They’re my feelings. I feel them. I own them.’
‘And I know how I feel and it doesn’t include the sort of love you’re talking about.’ He ran a hand over his face and continued, ‘I care about you, of course. I enjoy being with you but that’s all it is—companionship and mutual desire that has an end point, as per our agreement.’
Artie’s heart gave a painful spasm, and for a moment she couldn’t locate her voice. He cared about her and enjoyed being with her but that was all it was? How could she have got it so wrong? She was sure he was developing feelings for her—sure enough to reveal her own. He thought her young and gauche, a girl in the throes of her first crush. How could she get through to him? How could she prove she loved him? Or was it pointless? Was she fooling herself that he would one day change? Didn’t so many deluded women fall for that fantasy? The vain hope that in time, enough love would change their difficult men to the man of their dreams?
But what if Luca never changed?
What if he was incapable of it?
‘Luca, I took a huge risk in leaving the castello for you,’ Artie said. ‘Why can’t you take a risk and allow yourself to feel what I know is in your heart? I know it’s scary to admit how much you care about someone. And I know the last thing you want to do is be reckless and spontaneous but we
’ve connected in a way people rarely do. Surely you can’t deny it? We have so much in common, can’t you see that? We’re perfect for each other.’
Luca turned his back, drawing in a deep breath, his hands on his hips in a braced position. ‘Stop it, Artie. This is a pointless discussion. You’re making me out to be someone I can never be.’
Artie ran her tongue over her dry lips, tasting the metallic bitterness of disappointment. She clasped her hands together in front of her body, trying to contain the emotions rioting through her. ‘You’ll never be free of the prison of the past unless you learn to let go of control. To allow yourself to be reckless with your heart, to open it to the feelings I know you’ve buried there. I’ve let go of control. I’ve opened my heart to you. Why can’t you do it for me? If you won’t do it for me, then it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to continue in a relationship that is so out of balance.’
‘It’s not out of balance.’ Luca swung back around to face her. ‘I made it so we both get what we want. At the end of six months, you get to keep the castello and Nonno completes his chemo. It’s a win-win.’
She shook her head at him. ‘It’s a lose-lose but you can’t see it. I would choose love over a run-down old castle any day. And how are you going to explain the end of our marriage to your grandfather?’
He gave a dismissive shrug. ‘Marriages break up all the time. It won’t matter by then because he’ll have finished the course of treatment. As I said—win-win.’ His tone had a businesslike ring to it. No emotions. Ticking a box. Deal done.
Artie steepled her fingers around her nose and mouth, concentrating on keeping calm even though inside she was crumbling, the very foundations of her under assault as self-doubts rained down on her. She wasn’t worthy of his love. She wasn’t good enough. She was defective, damaged. He didn’t love her. He would never love her. He had only married her as a means to an end, and yet she had fooled herself he was developing feelings for her. She was a fool for thinking he felt more for her than companionship and care.
Her old friend panic crept up behind her...lurking in the background.
You can’t survive on your own. Stay with him. Put up and shut up.
Her skin prickled, fear slid into her stomach and coiled around her intestines, squeezing, tightening.
You’ll lose the castello if you leave him now.
But Artie knew she couldn’t lock herself in another prison. Staying with Luca in a loveless marriage for the next few months would be the same as locking herself in the castello. Shutting herself away from her hopes and dreams. From her potential.
From love.
She couldn’t go back to being that frightened person now. She had to forge her way through with the strength and courage Luca had inspired in her. He had awakened her to what she most wanted in life and it would be wrong to go backwards, to silence the hopes and dreams she harboured. She owed it to herself to embrace life. To live life fully instead of living in negative solitude.
Artie lowered her hands from her face and straightened her shoulders, meeting his cold gaze with a sinking feeling in her stomach. ‘I don’t think there’s any point in waiting out the six months. It will only make it harder for me. It’s best if I leave now.’
A ripple of tension whipped over his face and his hands clenched into fists by his sides. ‘Now? Are you crazy? You can’t leave. We made an agreement.’ There was a restricted quality to his voice. ‘You’ll lose everything if you leave now.’
Artie sighed. ‘I can’t be with you if you don’t love me. It wouldn’t be healthy for me. It would only reinforce the negative feelings I’ve had about myself in the past. That I’m not worthy, that I’m somehow the cause of everything bad that happens to me and those I care about. I need to leave that part of my life behind now. I need to embrace life as a fully awakened adult woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it.’
His hand scraped through his hair, leaving tracks in the thick black strands. He muttered a curse word in Italian, his mouth pulled so tight there were white tips at the corners. ‘I can’t stop you leaving but I should warn you there will be consequences. I’m not going to hand over a property with the potential of Castello Mireille just because you’ve pulled the plug on our agreement. I will keep it. I will develop it into a hotel and then I’ll sell it.’ His eyes flashed with green and brown sparks of anger. An anger so palpable it crackled in the air.
Artie ground her teeth, fighting to keep control of her own anger. ‘Do what you need to do, Luca. I won’t stand in your way. And I don’t expect you to stand in mine.’ She moved across to where she had left her phone. ‘I’m going to call Rosa to come and get me.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Luca said. ‘It’ll take her hours to get here.’
Artie faced him, phone in hand, eyebrows arched. ‘Will you drive me?’
His top lip curled and his eyes turned to flint. ‘You must be joking.’
Her chin came up. ‘I’m not.’
He released a savage breath and muttered another curse. ‘I’ll organise a driver.’ He took out his own phone and selected a number from his contacts.
Artie turned away as he told his employee to come and collect her for the journey back to Umbria. There was nothing in his tone to suggest he was shattered by her decision to leave him. He was angry, yes, but not devastated. Not as devastated as she was feeling. But how could he be? He didn’t love her, so why would he feel anything but anger that she was pulling out of their agreement? His plans had been disrupted. His heart was unaffected.
Luca slipped the phone back in his pocket, his expression set in cold, emotionless lines. ‘Done. Emilio will be here in five minutes.’
Artie moistened her parchment-dry lips again. Was this really happening? He was letting her go without a fight? It validated her decision to leave now, before she got even more invested in their relationship. But how much more invested could she be than what she was now? She loved him with her entire being and yet he felt nothing more for her than he would for a pet or a pot plant. He cared about her. That wasn’t enough for her. It would never be enough. ‘Thank you. I’d better go and pack a few things.’ She turned for the door, waiting, hoping for him to call her back. She even slowed her steps, giving him plenty of time to do so. One step. Two steps. Three steps. Four...
‘Artie.’
Her heart lifted like a helium balloon and she spun around. Had he changed his mind? Would he beg her to rethink her decision?
Oh, please, beg me to stay. Tell me you love me.
‘Yes?’
His expression was mask-like but his throat rose and fell over a tight swallow. ‘Keep safe.’ His tone was gruff.
An ache pressed down on her chest, an avalanche of emotion that made it impossible for her to take a breath. Her eyes burned with unshed tears. She. Would. Not. Cry. Not now. She would not make herself look any more gauche and desperate. She would take a dignified stance. She would take a leaf from his relationship playbook—she would be cool and calm and collected, detached. Their business deal was over and she would move on. End of story. ‘You too. And thanks for...everything.’ She pulled the heirloom engagement ring off her finger as well as the wedding band and held them out to him. ‘You’d better take the rings back. The earrings and pendant are upstairs. I’ll leave them on the dressing table.’
‘Keep them.’
‘But they’re family heirlooms—’
‘I said, keep them.’ The words were bitten out through a paper-thin slit between his lips, a savage frown pleating his brow.
Artie put the rings on one of the side tables and then turned and walked out of the room, closing the door softly but firmly behind her.
CHAPTER TWELVE
AS SOON AS the car carrying her away disappeared from sight Luca sucked in a breath that tore at his throat like wolf claws. What did she expect him to do? Run after he
r and beg her to stay? He had told her the terms from the outset. He had made it clear where his boundaries were.
But you shifted the boundaries. You slept with her.
He dragged a hand down his face, his gut clenching with self-disgust. Yes, he had shifted the boundaries and he should have known better. Artie was so young and inexperienced, and sleeping with him had made things so much worse. It had fuelled her romantic fantasies about him, fantasies he could never live up to. But he hadn’t been able to help himself. He’d wanted her the moment he met her, maybe even before that.
She was light and he was darkness.
She was naïve and trusting and he was ruthless and cynical.
She was in touch with her emotions and he had none...well, none that he wanted to acknowledge. Emotions were not his currency. It was a language he didn’t speak and nor did he want any fluency in it.
Luca picked up the engagement and wedding rings from the side table, curling his fingers around them so he didn’t have to look at the mocking, accusing eyes of the diamonds. He rattled them in his hand like dice and tossed them back on the table, turning away with an expletive.
He was not going to go after her. He. Was. Not. He was not going after her. His old self would have run up the stairs even before she packed and got down on bended knee and begged her to stay.
But he was not that reckless teenage boy any more. He was able to regulate his reactions, to think logically and carefully about his actions. He was able to weigh the checks and balances and act accordingly...except when it came to making love with her. That had been reckless and ill-advised and yet he had done it anyway. Done it and enjoyed every pulse-racing second of it. Artie had got to him in a way no one else ever had.
His Innocent's Passionate Awakening Page 14
