Also attending that night was a slightly bent man who must have been in his eighties. At first I thought he must have wandered into the wrong meeting, or he’d come on behalf of a grandchild. But no. He had a severely disabled son, fifty-five years old, who’d been diagnosed and re-diagnosed with mental illnesses including schizophrenia and Asperger’s since kindergarten. The son lived with him, had never been able to work, and likely never will. The man’s wife died three years ago. In her last decade she had Alzheimer’s disease, so he was caring for both. Even among parents who’ve shouldered a lot of heartache, we wondered, “How does he go on?” Somebody asked him.
“You love them,” he said. “You may be the only one who does.”
That’s it, exactly. The answer I’ve been seeking, even though our family situation is mild and blessed by comparison. Love is the hunger that matters, why we go on. All the parents there would give anything to heal their children. We have to be reminded that their impossibly complex illnesses aren’t who they are, that they don’t choose to suffer, that sometimes letting go is all we can do. But love survives. I wanted to cry, for this man’s heroism and my flaws, and the great, lucky truth that I am not the only one who loves Lisa. We have a lot of hope. Lisa is young, she has mourned a wonderful relationship and found another, she recovered from a breakdown and wrote this book with me. We are talking and laughing and sometimes eating together again. Hungry? Not so much. But I can go home and hug her.
lisa: There is no happily ever after to my story. Like everyone with eating disorders, I look at food and feel conflicted. Sometimes I feel genuine hunger. I have, however, come to a point where I know I can do something else with my life, and I don’t want to waste all of my energy retreating to the bathroom to punish myself for doing something as necessary and everyday as eating.
We all need food to live, to survive and thrive and grow. Our bodies are vehicles that require fuel to operate efficiently. Running on empty, everything shuts down.
I will always think about it, my relationship to food, and probably won’t ever have the most normal eating habits, but I will be able to have a stable, consistent, and healthful life.
There are times when I just want to eat a whole mess of food and throw it all up. I feel a surge of anxiety. My whole body begins to feel the familiar craving and I need my fix. In the past I would have dived headfirst into an uncontrolled binge. Now I have learned to live with the urge and avoid it, although certain circumstances make this easier than others. For eight years my life revolved around the bingeing and purging and pizza and ice cream and late-night fast-food stops, candy, donuts, fried food, luxury dinner indulgences, dieting for weeks, exercising until my ankles bled, and taking diet pills and laxatives. I don’t remember my college years and the two years thereafter as most of my peers do. Sure, I went to parties and celebrated my twenty-first birthday in a typical drunken escapade. I had roommates and moved many times and smoked pot in the dorms and then in the bathroom at work. I passed out in bars and dated many guys, then fell in love with one and gave him my heart. I had difficult schoolwork and lectures I fell asleep during, and lengthy papers to write that I usually saved until the last minute. I got A’s and B’s and C’s but always tried hard. Teachers liked me and when I was motivated, and not sick or in the bathroom, I loved to participate.
And yet, I missed out on so much. All around me classmates grouped in cliques and tight circles that did everything together and called each other and made fabulous photo albums on Facebook. I longingly gawked, wanting so badly to have my own. I did not have super-close constant friends, but instead I floated from group to group never knowing who exactly to include in my posse. At dinner parties I retreated to the bathroom while everyone else talked and ate and laughed and drank wine. I’d come back and try to join in, start having fun, and then go purge again. I did have some great times, but mostly bad memories.
What I remember about college is trying to ignore the horrible stomach pains—from overconsumption of coffee or sugar-free candies or from hunger—as I sat in class. I woke up ridiculously early to work out before going to my job or school, beating myself up mentally and physically to go further and do better. I got pneumonia and bronchitis, and I saw too much of several hospitals. I remember wanting to die.
I know some days will be easier than others, and I will forget about my insecurity around food and my body. Other times I will probably have to work hard to keep myself from diving into a horrible binge. I’ll need to figure out how to allow myself to eat something I might deem risky. I have learned to take hormones into consideration, that sometimes I want to eat all day and I can’t get rid of the hunger—and it is genuine hunger.
I’ve heard it takes twice the length of time you suffer from an eating disorder to fully recover, so for me that would be about . . . sixteen years? Yikes. I think I’ve had enough of numbers, statistical analysis, and counting calories. I will just go by how I feel and hope for the best.
In a culture of black-and-white thinking, food has to be good or bad for us. With anorexia and bulimia, I took it further, and labeled my whole life as good or bad.
I’d like to call my new attitude toward food “mixed” but not “disordered.” I have preferred methods of food preparation and still tend to gravitate toward fruits, vegetables, and lean protein, but does that have to be a problem? I told my therapist recently that sometimes I feel conflicted about food and find myself going back to analyzing everything I might choose to eat. Since I’ve been working out almost daily, I often question the foods that others might offer to me, wondering if having, say, a sloppy Joe for dinner will impede my fitness goals. When does awareness of what you put in your body become obsessive? This is the line I have to find. My therapist very wisely told me that it is okay to be conscious about my food choices, that just because I had an eating disorder doesn’t mean that I always will, and that I don’t have to show the world that I’m recovered by eating everything offered. I am not sick because I don’t want the sloppy Joe.
I think I have at last found a fairly happy medium. There are no good or bad foods and I can instead allow myself anything in moderation. I eat nutritious and healthy foods for the bulk of my diet and allow myself a few treats, especially chocolate. I never say no to a strong craving. What I’ve learned is if I really truly want something I should have it in small portions. This way I will most likely avoid bingeing. Will I ever binge again? Purge? Starve myself and become too thin? I can’t say. I’m just trying to focus on the here and now.
What has really changed is that I believe I can continue to improve and reach as much of a full recovery as possible. I no longer have the desire to starve or diet and binge and purge or just purge or restrict severely. I have not quite rediscovered a normal sense of hunger, but I know what I like and what I fear, and that I get into trouble when I put food into categories of good or bad. I will have hard times and I will have diet periods or days where I run or bike too much or refuse to eat something out of fear it will make me fat, but I’m not willing to make myself suffer anymore. There is no discharge from my treatment plan. All I know is that I see a new strength in me—a strength I had forgotten.
acknowledgments
Except for a few pseudonyms and identifying details to protect privacy, all the people and events in this book are real. Any errors are ours.
We are deeply indebted to our knowledgeable, clear-sighted trail guides in the publishing industry: editor Denise Silvestro and agent Jane Dystel. They helped us frame our mother-daughter drama in a way that we hope will be useful to other families.
At the birth of this project, San Jose Mercury News editors Rebecca Salner and Susan Goldberg were supportive midwives.
Joanne Martin and Fran Smith were astoundingly patient and generous writing coaches.
We got a lot of help from our smart friends Susan Cohen, Shela Fisk, John Hubner, Danelle Morton, Bob Okin, Mary Pratt, Olivia Rosaldo-Pratt, David Schrieberg, Ellen Sussman, Jill Wolfson, and Lara
ine Zappert.
Sheila’s beloved study group—Connie Casey, JoAnn Gutin, and Paulette Kessler—read and heard about this book for years.
Jana Kahn is the physician who restored hope to our family.
The Squaw Valley Writers Community gave Sheila a week of bliss.
High school English teachers everywhere deserve applause. Sheila is sorry she never thanked Miss Rathert, Mr. Mayes, and Mr. Dessler for teaching teenagers the joys of writing.
Elaine Saville and Nancy Highiet Morse, our sisters/aunts, shared their stories and flew to the rescue.
Jake was there for us, more than he could know.
Ned/Dad read and lived Hungry, kept us well fed and, with heroic effort, laughing.
sheila: Above all, I appreciate the struggle that writing this book added to Lisa’s life. Now that she has regained forward motion, the trademark sparkle in her eyes, and the total recall of Waiting for Guffman, there is no question it was worth the journey. I am incredibly grateful to have her back.
lisa: My mom put tremendous heart and dedication into this writing process. I know at times I’ve been difficult. But remember, above everything, I love you to pieces.
sources
Listed below are articles and sources referred to, or used as background, in the text. Web addresses are current as of April 2009.
Introduction
Marion Cunningham. “In Defense of Home Cooking.” Los Angeles Times (September 16, 1998).
Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center, www.edreferral.com.
Sheila Himmel. “A Daughter’s Inner Battle.” San Jose Mercury News (December 7, 2003).
LiveJournal: Website Pro Anorexia, http://community.livejournal.com/proanorexia.
National Eating Disorders Association, www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.
National Institutes of Health, www.nih.gov.
Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com.
Lorraine Savage. Eating Disorders: Perspectives on Diseases & Disorders (Detroit: Greenhaven Press, 2008).
Alvin and Virginia Silverstein, and Laura Silverstein Nunn. The Eating Disorders Update: Understanding Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating (Berkeley Heights, N.J.: Enslow Publishers, 2009).
Something Fishy: Website on Eating Disorders, www.somethingfishy.org. WebMD, www.webmd.com.
Chapter 3: Feed Me, I’m Yours
T. Berry Brazelton. Infants and Mothers: Differences in Development (New York: Dell, 1983).
Vicki Lansky. Feed Me, I’m Yours (Wayzata, Minn.: Meadowbrook Press, 1977).
Penelope Leach. Your Baby and Child: From Birth to Age Five (New York: Random House, 1978).
Chapter 4: Growing Gourmets
GoodPeople, “Hiring Managers Are Quick to Eliminate Candidates who Make These 10 Mistakes,” www.hiregoodpeople.com/interviewtips_10mistakes2.html.
Harriet Lerner. The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life (New York: Harper, 1999).
James Marshall. Yummers! (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1973).
James Marshall. Yummers Too: The Second Course (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1986).
The Learning Center—Palo Alto Preschool, www.tlcpaloalto.org.
Marion Nestle. What to Eat: An Aisle-by-Aisle Guide to Savvy Food Choices and Good Eating (New York: North Point Press, 2006).
Michael Pollan. “Our National Eating Disorder.” New York Times Magazine (October 17, 2004).
Chapter 5: Fat Girls, Husky Boys
Gary Grahl. Skinny Boy: A Young Man’s Battle and Triumph Over Anorexia (Clearfield, Utah: American Legacy Media, 2007).
Judith Moore. Fat Girl: A True Story (New York: Hudson Street Press, 2005).
Mary Pipher. Hunger Pains: The Modern Woman’s Tragic Quest for Thinness (New York: Ballantine Books, 1995).
Seventeen magazine (May 2009).
Shape magazine (July 2008).
Chapter 6: Middle School and the Great Job
Sheila Himmel. “Chore Leave. A Gift of Advice for Mom: If You Can’t Stand the Kitchen, Get Out of the Heat.” San Jose Mercury News (May 14, 1995).
Sheila Himmel. “Eatery Served Pork as Veal.” San Jose Mercury News (February 23, 2000).
Sheila Himmel. “Chef Suspended as DA Investigates.” San Jose Mercury News (February 24, 2000).
Peggy Orenstein. School Girls: Young Women, Self-Esteem, and the Confidence Gap (New York: Doubleday, 1994).
Mary Pipher. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls (New York: Ballantine Books, 1994).
Anthony Wolf. Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager (New York: Noonday Press, 1991).
Chapter 7: You Are What You Don’t Eat
Lessley Anderson. “By the Way, I’m Vegan: When Diners Drop the Dietary Bomb, Chefs Must Work Magic,” Chow (May 11, 2007), http://c13-chd-www-lb.cnet.com/stories/10561.
Betty Crocker, Conversations: Holidays and Entertaining, “Favorite Meals and Treats of U.S. Presidents,” www.bettycrocker.com/CommunityForums/forums.aspx/9/3535.
Susan Baker, MD, and Roberta Henry, RD. Parents’ Guide to Nutrition: Healthy Eating from Birth Through Adolescence (White Plains, N.Y.: Addison Wesley, 1987).
Lori Ernsperger and Tania Stegen-Hanson. Finicky Eaters: What to Do When Kids Won’t Eat! (Future Horizons, 2005).
Sheila Himmel. “The Muslim Market.” San Jose Mercury News (November 2, 2005).
Sheila Himmel. “Whole Lotta Foods.” Mountain View Voice (December 8, 2006).
Leon Kass. The Hungry Soul: Eating and the Perfecting of Our Nature (New York: The Free Press, 1994).
S. A. Klopp, C. J. Heiss, and H. S. Smith. “Self-Reported Vegetarianism May Be a Marker for College Women at Risk for Disordered Eating.” Journal of the American Dietetic Association 103, no. 6 (June 2003): 745-47.
Ann Lien. “Vegetarian? Or Anorexic?” Vegetarian Times (September 1999).
The Phrase Finder, www.phrases.org.uk.
Robert M. Sapolsky, “Investigations: Open Season,” The New Yorker (March 30, 1998), p. 57.
Brian Wansink. Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think (New York: Bantam Books, 2006).
Women’s Health Weekly. “Vegetarianism May Be Associated with Eating Disorder Risk in College Women” (July 31, 2003).
Chapter 8: Roots of Anorexia
American Psychological Association. Report of the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls, www.apa.org/pi/wpo/sexualization.html.
Joan Jacobs Brumberg. Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa (New York: Vintage Books, 2000).
Carolyn Costin. Your Dieting Daughter: Is She Dying for Attention? (New York: Brunner/Mazel, 1997).
Jacqueline Detwiler. “America’s Most Educated Small Towns,” Forbes (January 5, 2009), www.forbes.com/lifestyle/2009/01/02/educated-small-towns-forbeslife-cx_jd_0105realestate.html.
Joan Didion. “In Bed,” The White Album (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1979) p. 170.
Lovovico Ferretti. Saint Catherine of Siena (Siena, Italy: Edizioni Cantagalli. 1996).
Sheila Himmel. “Little Restaurant Serves Big Flavors.” San Jose Mercury News (March 7, 2003).
Nobel Prize: The Official Website of the Nobel Foundation, www.nobelprize.org.
Michelle Stacey. The Fasting Girl: A True Victorian Medical Mystery (New York: Jeremy Tarcher, 2002).
Chapter 9: High School
Sheila Himmel. “There’s Something Asian for Everyone.” San Jose Mercury News (July 20, 2003).
Chapter 10: Our Big Nights
Sheila Himmel. “Serve You Right: Caring for Diners Is a Learnable Art.” San Jose Mercury News (October 2, 2002).
Perri Klass and Sheila Solomon Klass. Every Mother Is a Daughter: The Neverending Quest for Success, Inner Peace, and a Really Clean Kitchen (New York: Ballantine Books, 2006).
Chapter 11: College
Bulimia Side Effects: Understanding Bulimia, www.bulimiasideeffects.com.
Chapter 12: Relapse Spring
James Lock a
nd Daniel Le Grange. Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder (New York: Guilford Press, 2005).
Chapter 15: The Trouble with Experts
Optenet S.A. Press release: “The Number of Web Sites Promoting Anorexia and Bulimia Has Increased 470% Since 2006, According to Optenet Research” (September 23, 2008), www.optenet.com/en-us/new.asp?id=162.
Chapter 17: You Get to Sit Down
John Cheever. “The Worm in the Apple.” The Stories of John Cheever (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1978).
Other Sources
Daniel Becker. This Mean Disease: Growing Up in the Shadow of My Mother’s Anorexia Nervosa (New York: Gurze Books, 2005).
Pamela Carlton and Deborah Ashin. Take Charge of Your Child’s Eating Disorder (New York: Marlowe & Co., 2007).
Laura Collins. Eating with Your Anorexic: How My Child Recovered Through Family-Based Treatment and Yours Can Too (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2005).
Sue Cooper and Peggy Norton. Conquering Eating Disorders: How Family Communication Heals (Berkeley, Calif.: Seal Press, 2008).
Carolyn Costin. The Eating Disorder Sourcebook (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2007).
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