June 24, 2013
I stand on the front porch of the house again, thinking about how familiar it feels. I try to look around and get my bearings. I'm drawn through the front door, my heart pounding in my chest.
The back door opens and I am out on the deck. There he is, his broad shoulders and thick dark hair. His muscles rolling under his tan skin.
I am standing behind him raising my hand to touch his shoulder. The sun breaks through the trees, blinding me. The wall of his chest is so close, his chiseled jaw and his heart stopping smile. His hand cups the back of my neck and the other wraps around my waist, drawing me in. I can feel his warm breath on my lips and I anxiously await his kiss.
I woke in a cold sweat. Tears threatening again. I grabbed my ring finger with my right hand to yank off Mark's ring, and realized I didn't even bring it home with me. I suppose I was so anxious to get away from Luke that I forgot to put it in my bag. That was three nights in a row that I had slept without it. The first two nights I didn't dream of him, but this time he was there again. I hugged my pillow and tried to will myself back to sleep just as the alarm went off. I picked up my phone to silence it and saw that I had six missed calls. One from my parents, three from Luke, one from Anne Marie and one from Eva. I would have to call all of them later, except Luke.
After showering and dressing in my black pencil skirt and a silk button up blouse, I slid into my black pumps, grabbed my purse and keys off the kitchen counter, and headed out the door.
After connecting my Bluetooth I decided to call Carson, if anyone could understand my feelings it would be him. While the phone was ringing, I carefully backed my car out of the garage and around my dad's before I realized I hadn't eaten anything. I decided to hit the local coffee shop on the way into the office.
"Hey! What's going on?" Carson answered.
"Hey yourself! When are you coming home?"
"I'm leaving Sunday morning so I should be there by midafternoon. The guys are having a get together Sunday evening though, so I'll probably be out for a while."
"Did you find an apartment yet?" I asked.
"Nah, I have a couple leads, I'll probably make some calls from the office on Monday if Dad gives me any room to breathe," he laughed.
"You excited about working for the old man?"
"Well, I think we see eye to eye on the business. Hopefully it'll go smoothly. I know he hopes to pass the reins to one of us when he retires."
"Keep it in the family, right?"
"Exactly... So, what's going on with you these days? It's been a couple weeks since I heard from you last. Started your new position yet?" He asked.
"Yeah, it's my first day today, so I'll let you know how it goes."
"You'll slay 'em, I'm sure."
"I hope so..." I said. "So, before I get into my drama, what's going on with you? Any new women in your life?"
"No," Carson said with a sigh.
"Seriously? You really should take some of your own advice and get out there. It's been like a year and a half since your mystery woman took off. You really should move on."
Carson had always been a party boy until last year. He'd picked up some girl at a bar, which was normal for him, but the next day she was gone, and he was devastated for some reason.
"I didn't do all this for her, I did it for me. She just happens to be the motivation. I don't want to be that guy anymore, meaningless sex, too much alcohol... I needed to grow up and get my shit together and now that I've accomplished it, I'm not going back... But enough about me... What's did you want to talk about?"
"I need your advice. I've met someone, but it's complicated."
"Okay, spill it."
I told Carson about how I had run into Luke again after all these years. I explained to him how there had always been a spark between us and about our time at the cabin, in limited detail. I talked about my dreams of Mark and how I couldn't seem to stop having them. There was only silence on the other end of the line.
"Hello? Are you still there?" I asked.
"Uh yeah, Caroline. Damn, that's one predicament isn't it? Do you like him?" He inquired.
"Of course I like him. I wouldn't have slept with him if I didn't like him," I said as I rolled my eyes.
"Well, then I think you should go for it. Just give yourselves a chance to get to know one another again. You may find out that you really really like him. But, either way, the decision is up to you. Follow your gut, it's not usually wrong."
"I know. I'm just torn between my feelings for Mark and my feelings for Luke, not to mention that they are brothers," I sighed.
"Caroline, I thought we talked about this before," Carson started. "Mark is gone. You need to get out and live your life, not only because Mark would have wanted that for you, but because he died. You should be living every day for Mark, because he can't. Go find happiness and experience all the world has to offer. You can't hide out at Mom and Dad's for the rest of your life. You're young and you still have your whole life ahead of you."
I sighed, Carson made it sound so easy.
"And Caroline?"
"Yeah," I asked.
"Lighten up. Try to enjoy yourself. Laugh a little, have fun. You've never been one to care what anyone else thinks, so if Luke being Mark's brother doesn't bother you, to hell with everyone else."
My brother was wise beyond his years. I thanked him for listening and we said our goodbyes. As I was contemplating what I was going to do about Luke, I pulled into the parking lot at Crave.
It was my favorite bakery. They had amazing coffee and freshly baked scones, muffins, and bagels. As I pulled into a spot out front I noticed the burnt orange BMW M6 two spots over.
Great. The universe just keeps throwing punches!
The car belonged to Darren Jenkins, one of my least favorite customers. The kind of guy who tried to outdo everyone with all the showy shit he could afford, including his car. He was arrogant, sleazy and couldn't keep his hands to himself. I was ready to go without breakfast when I heard a tap on my passenger window.
I looked over to see Darren wiggling his fingers at me, so I bit the bullet and climbed out of the car.
"Hi Darren, what a surprise!"
"Looking good as always, Caroline," he said, winking at me as he walked around to the driver's side of the car in his overly expensive, personally tailored suit.
I moved to keep the open car door between us.
"I haven't seen you in a while. Sure I can't sweet talk you into that dinner date I've been offering for a while now?" He asked.
"Gee, my schedule is all full," I said sarcastically.
"I see how it is. You're afraid you might fall in love with me. I am quite debonair."
I forced a smile at his arrogance.
"You got me, Darren. That's definitely it."
"Well," he said, running a hand over his greased back hair. "At least tell me you'll be at the customer appreciation event, huh? Maybe we can share a drink, take a spin on the dance floor? I'd be willing to let you take advantage of me, if you asked nicely."
Shit. I had totally forgotten about the party. Once a year the company hosted a party for all of their customers as a way to thank them for their business. It was scheduled on a Tuesday night in a couple weeks at the Westin Resort downtown.
"I'll be there," I said, shutting my car door and trying to skirt around him, making my way towards the door of Crave.
"Good. I'm looking forward to it," he said, stepping towards me, trying to swat at my rear end. I danced out of the way just in time.
"See you then, Darren," I said as I slipped safely inside the coffee shop.
Gross. And now I was going to be stuck in a ballroom with him for several hours, trying to evade his groping hands.
Lovely. What else have you got for me universe?
~~~~
Once I was finally seated in my office, I flipped on my computer and pressed the voice mail button on my phone. Seven new messages. Well, I had been out of the office fo
r three days.
As I wrote down the messages and checked my e-mails my mind drifted to Luke. It was 8:30 now and likely that he had gotten to my grandmother's house already and was probably boiling mad that I had left without saying anything. Maybe I would call Anne Marie to check in. I lifted the handset of my office phone to dial her number. She answered on the first ring.
"Caroline! Oh my gosh, how are you? Your mom said that you were upset about something and had to leave abruptly, is everything okay?"
I rubbed my temples with my other hand while I thought of the right thing to say.
"I'm doing alright. I just needed to get some space," I told her.
"From Luke?"
I could hear a male voice in the background and Anne Marie was shushing him while waiting for my answer.
"Where are you Anne Marie?"
"Um, I'm at Ben's. We were just getting ready to head over to the house when you called."
"Oh? Is Ben helping out over there?" I asked, smiling to myself at her giddy response.
"Yes! He's a builder. Luke was supposed to be stopping by with some ideas to redo the porch this morning and Ben was going to start working on whatever your parents chose. Nick and Luke want to get things taken care of as soon as possible because they know your parents want to get the house on the market," she explained. "But, you didn't answer my question."
"What was that?" I feigned ignorance.
"I know you heard me Caroline. What do you need space from? Luke?" She asked me again.
"Honestly I don't know. Things were really intense between us and I couldn't think straight. I still have so many feelings for Mark that I haven't let go of yet. Luke said he was falling for me, and I don't want to be the one to break his heart... I can't stop thinking about him though, and I feel damn guilty about everything that happened between us."
I sighed again as I replayed that night in my head. I was getting warm just thinking about it.
"Did you tell him about your feelings for Mark?"
"Yes. I didn't want to keep that from him, it didn't seem right."
"And he still wanted to be with you?"
"I think so. I mean, he didn't say anything or act any differently."
"Don't you think it's up to him to make that decision then? He is a grown man, fully capable of protecting his own interests. If your feelings for Mark were a big deal to him, do you think he would continue to pursue you? And if he did, isn't that his choice to make?"
I hadn't thought of it that way. I was too busy trying to sort out what I thought and felt.
"Maybe so Anne Marie, but it's too late now. I'm sure he's angry that I left. Hopefully he'll get over it soon enough and won't hate me for the rest of his life."
"And what do you feel guilty for?"
"I...."
"You had sex with him!?"
"Yes," I said, exasperated.
"Oh my gosh! Good for you! Wait, why do you feel guilty?"
"Because! I practically begged him to sleep with me. And then he did, and it was incredible. So now, instead of helping myself move on, and getting over Mark, I am thinking about Luke constantly, and the guilt over what Mark would think is eating me alive."
"Caroline, you can't think that way. Mark isn't here, so you shouldn't worry about what he would think. And what's done is done, you can't take back anything that happened, so you should just relish the time you have with Luke. However, if I might add what Eva would say... Luke is a mighty fine specimen of a man, and you could do worse than falling in love with him."
"Anne Marie, you're the one who brought up that is was weird that he's Mark's brother. Don't you think people would think it's strange if I was in a relationship with Luke? And Eva would not say anything about falling in love with him, she would be more interested in the bedroom!"
She let out an aggravated sigh.
"Since when do you care what anyone else thinks? I'm just saying, you shouldn't be afraid to go after what you want."
"Thanks Marie. I'll think about it."
"Well, listen, Ben is honking the horn for me. I gotta run."
"Thanks again. Oh, and will you please tell Eva you talked to me? And tell Luke to give me just a little space. I'll talk to him soon."
"Sure thing," she said before hanging up.
After my conversation with Anne Marie I was even more confused about what was going on. Was it fair to make decisions for Luke? Should I have stayed and talked it out with him? Did he really not mind if I still had feelings for his brother? Should I just go back to him and see where it goes?
I spent the rest of the morning returning phone calls and working on some marketing strategies for our new campaign. We were preparing to launch a chain of upscale convenience stores with gas stations and fresh food ideas. I had been working on the project for the last 6 months and had just been promoted to Marketing Account Manager, which meant, I not only had this project to finish, but I had inherited 17 other accounts from my predecessor.
I worked straight through lunch, not even realizing the time. Around one o'clock my dad walked into my office and sat down across from me.
"I didn't expect you to be here," he said.
"Well, where else would I be?" I asked, looking up from my paperwork.
"You took the week off to help your mother, and left so abruptly I just assumed you would be at home reflecting, or the gym, working out your stress." He smiled.
"I didn't want to take the week off in the first place, but mom insisted she needed help. Then, the way things developed with Luke... I just couldn't stay. I have a lot of work to do and new accounts to learn. The girls are there with Nick and Ben, so she should be alright. I'll go back to help this weekend or something."
At least if it was the weekend then Luke wouldn't be at the house. I wanted to take my time to process what happened between us, and I didn't need him as a distraction.
"Also, while we're on the subject... Luke stopped by this morning. He tried to hide his displeasure from us when we told him you had left, but if I know anything I would say he seemed pretty upset."
"Did he say anything?"
"No. He didn't... Do you want to talk about it?"
"No. Thanks though. I'm really confused and just needed time to think. It's probably best if we just leave it alone for now." My voice trailed off, tears threatening for the umpteenth time this week.
My dad leaned forward in his chair.
"What happened between you two? Did he try something?" He asked with a hint of anger in his voice.
"No! He would never."
He leaned back, relieved.
"I didn't think so, but then again, you never know." He stood up and walked to the doorway before turning around again. "Caroline, I'm here if you want to talk honey. You know that right?"
"I know Daddy." I tried to force a smile, but I'm sure he could see right through it.
After he left I felt deflated. I couldn't concentrate on anything I was working on because thoughts of Luke kept bombarding me. I hated that I hurt him. My goal had been to free myself to move on, and now, instead of thinking about Mark every second of the day, I was thinking about Luke.
Thanks again universe.
Resigning myself to the fact that I wasn't going to get anything else done that day, I decided to head to the gym. I really did need to burn off some steam.
~~~~
As soon as I walked in the door from the gym I called my mother.
"Hey sweetie, how are you feeling?" She asked as soon as she answered.
"Decent. Just got home from the gym. How'd it go today?"
"Well, we got the master bedroom cleaned out, but we're still working on the library. Eva and Anne Marie have been really helpful, they've even found a couple things for their store."
"I'm glad they're there," I told her. I wanted to ask her how Luke was this morning, but I didn't dare. I knew what she would say, and I really didn't want to hear it.
"Luke came by this morning..."
Somet
imes I swear she can read my mind. I inhaled a deep breath and blew it out before answering her.
"I know, Dad told me."
"He walked in the door excited about his renderings and looking around the house. When he noticed you weren't here it was like the light went out of him."
"Oh Mom, don't be so dramatic."
"I'm not being dramatic Caroline. I could tell he was genuinely upset. By the time he left the house this afternoon he looked like he was ready to spit nails," she said. "I think upset has progressed to pissed."
"Mom, I really don't want to talk about this." I started rubbing my temples as I listened to her go on about losing Mark and how I needed to find a way to let go. It was the same conversation we'd had a million times. "Mom, can we not rehash this right now? I need to get a shower, and I need a few days to not think about Luke, please!"
"Okay then. But, I'm just trying to help." She sounded defeated.
"I know Mom, and I love you, but I'm just not in the mood right now. I'll be back on Friday and we'll talk about it, okay?" I hoped she wouldn't push it any further.
"Alright," she acquiesced.
"Mom, please don't tell Luke I'm coming," I pleaded.
"Whatever you want dear. I'll talk to you soon."
I hung up the phone and was just starting up the stairs when the back door opened and my dad walked in.
"Hey, how'd you get home?" I asked, since mom had dropped him off at the office.
"I got a ride with Bill," he said. walking over to the fridge. "I've got some steaks and potatoes. Want to have dinner with your old man?"
"Sounds great Dad, I'm just going to run go shower."
June 28, 2013
The next few days passed pretty quickly. I tried to bury myself in my work, pouring over my accounts and trying to memorize every detail of them. There were so many likes and dislikes to learn, and I wanted to familiarize myself with them as much as I could because I would be trying to meet with all my clients over the next couple weeks to formally introduce myself.
Anne Marie and Eva had been calling regularly to check in. They really had been a great help to my mother in the last week and I couldn't thank them enough for staying out there without me. Neither of them seemed to mind much though, since they'd gotten to spend a lot of time with Nick and Ben.
Awakening Page 10
