by Portia Moore
“Are you coming in?” His voice almost stills my heart because now I can’t tell them apart. Is it Chris or Cal? I won't lie and say in this second that I care. I strip out of my clothes and stand outside a few seconds before heading in. I close the door and step to the other side of the shower. The heat warms me, the humidity is almost like a drug. In here it’s like the outside world doesn’t exist, and for a moment it’s just him and me. In this space our problems are absent. I watch as soap and bubbles pour down his body, and I take in a breath sitting down on the bench in our shower letting the water wash over me. The sound of the water hitting the tile is hypnotic and I close my eyes and rest my head on the wall. I have the urge to say something, but I don’t want to say anything, I don’t want to ruin this moment, where I can pretend that things are okay and normal and I’m just in the shower with my husband. I want my husband to speak to me, to touch me and it seems so stupid in the midst of what’s going on but I’m relapsing, wanting to go back to when Cal could make everything better with his touch, make me forget with just his kiss. Whoever this is, is ignoring me completely.
“I think we should go back to Madison and be with your mom,” I blurt out quickly, and without much thought, but he doesn’t flinch. I hoped his response would clue me in to his mood.
“I miss Caylen.” My voice breaks, and tears begin to materialize.
“I miss her too.”
“I miss you too.” My first confession has opened a door of unspoken truths that I didn’t realize I would say until this moment. He turns around his hair sticking to his face, and his body a perfect vision with no soap hiding any of its glory. He looks at me with intense eyes, but I can’t read them. When he steps closer to me I get butterflies I’ve never felt before, and nervousness shoot through me. A grin spreads across his face.
“You miss me?” He smiles slyly his tone quizzical, but doesn’t hold the cockiness that Cal exudes. I swallow hard.
“Of course I do.” I can hear the hesitation in my voice. He steps closer to me, and I feel my back press harder against the wall behind me. I’m nervous, and he can tell as he laughs deep and low standing in front of me. He takes my hand and makes me stand up, pressing his body against mine, but something is off.
“Chris or Cal?” he asks, and there’s a glint in his eye that’s familiar but foreign.
“Collin?” I ask, slightly out of breath and his smirk stretches. I pull away from him almost sliding to the other side of the shower and slipping in the process. He grabs my elbow and steadies me laughing. I pull away from him and instinctively cover my body.
“I thought from that little speech out there, that it didn’t matter who I was. We’re all the same man that you love, right?” he asks haughtily. Leaning against the shower wall, my cheeks are on fire.
“Was that you out there?” I ask angrily.
“No technically Chris was ‘there’ if you want to call it that. Chris is all over the place right now, and your beloved Cal, well you saw the mess he was earlier. Those too can barely tie their own shoelaces right now.” His amused eyes sweep over my body, and I hug myself tighter.
“So what you said out there wasn’t true. There is a difference between us?” he asks with a knowing grin on his face.
“You know what I meant!” I tell him sternly, and I remember what he did to me the last time when he confronted Dexter without warning and unleashed Cal. “This is your fault!” I yell at him. He laughs at me dismissively.
“My fault? No, I’m not the one who tried to kill a man, or take a bottle full of pills to kill the rest of us,” he says stretching his arms over his head. I look away; staring at him suddenly feels wrong.
“No, but you went to Mr. Crestfield and if you hadn’t done that none of this would have happened. You could have given me some type of warning!”
“What’s happened wouldn’t have?” he asks amusedly.
I scowl at him. “Whatever this is.”
“You mean the psychotic break that ‘Chris’ had.” He uses air quotes and I grab the bottle of shampoo near me and throw it at him. He blocks it and only laughs at me.
“You could have told me what you knew.” I growl at him.
“You’re asking from me what neither Cal nor Chris has ever given to you. Why are so many special requirements asked of me?” He grins, but I refuse to back away from him this time. Even though I’ve only known this part of him briefly, he seems to be the most reasonable.
“I hoped that you and I could have a more transparent relationship,” I say looking him in the eye. His eyes remind me more of Cal’s than Chris, and without clothes on he’s much more familiar than when I saw him with a suit on and noticed how truly different he was.
“Tell me, what type of relationship do you want with me…” His voice is low and almost seductive. He lightly touches my chin lifting it so that I’m looking directly at him. He leans lower, so our lips are only inches apart.
I pull back from him in shock. Is he serious right now? Is this a test? I am so confused by how I am feeling. My body recognizes this man—it wants him—but after everything I said earlier, this doesn’t feel right. Well, he feels right up against me, but this wouldn’t be right. I can’t sleep with Collin. I don’t even know him, and his actions are confusing me. He drops my chin and takes a step back from me
“That’s always going to be the problem,” he tells me opening the door allowing the cold air to rush in. He steps out, and I’m left even more confused than before I walked in this shower. If Collin is here maybe he’s the one who will be able to finally give me some answers. I turn the water off and grab a towel to wrap around myself. I follow him and see him standing in front of our closet, the towel neatly folded on the bed instead of around him. I command my eyes to dart away. I sit on the bed making sure my own towel is still tight around my body even though he’s seen me completely naked. I think of how the last time he said he’s always there which means… I can’t think of what that means but my cheeks warm with embarrassment.
“You said earlier, that you missed Caylen. Was that true?” I ask curiously. This version of him seems so much more calculating. Collin reminds me more of Dexter than anyone which means he can be manipulative too.
“Of course it was.” He pulls out a pair of Cal’s slacks and a dark blue dress shirt. “She’s my daughter too,” he answers simply, and it sounds so odd that I have to laugh. I rest my head in my hands and ponder that notion.
“I may not be who you want here, ideally. However, I am the most stable now, and stability is what I assume that you’d want for Caylen?” I glance at him briefly and see he’s halfway dressed now.
“Yes,” I tell him honestly. Then I realize he’s not putting on pajamas or everyday clothing but a full on suit.
“Where are you going?” I ask him not hiding the worry in my voice. The last time he went out on his own disaster followed.
“We’re having dinner with Dexter and Helen.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “What? When did you set all of this up?”
“You’ve been asleep for most of the day. I thought we should probably get life moving along. I know you process things internally, but I prefer action through movement and accomplishments,” he jokes but his tone borders on condescending.
“What does that mean?”
“See this. The talking, the analyzing instead of actions.” He puts on his tie.
“I’m not going,” I tell him stubbornly. He stops and looks over at me, his stare so pointed that I look away from him.
“So if I didn’t invite you, you’d swear that there was a conspiracy going on to keep you in the dark.”
“I don’t trust them, and I’m not sure if I trust you. All of you have lied and kept things from me, and I feel like a pawn in a stupid chess game!” I screech, but he doesn’t flinch, he just shakes his head.
“You can choose to stay or go. Either way, I will be leaving in the next hour.” He walks to the door but stops before leaving out of it. “However, if I were y
ou I’d like to be a part of the dinner with my husband’s newfound brother and psychiatrist,” he smiles and adds a wink for good measure, but it’s nothing like Cal’s.
I don’t know how he did it, but somehow it seems that we now have a white Bentley. Not a Mercedes, or a BMW, or even a freaking Ashton Martin. A Bentley. I did my best to hide my surprise when the driver brought it around, but it was extremely hard to do and even harder not to ask how he got it. I’m learning that Collin is extremely resourceful. The car fits him though, classic and arrogant. He doesn’t even listen to music but news radio, which is annoying but I really don’t want to talk to him. His hair makes him look like a modern James Bond, and I wonder if he was created based off Chris loving those movies. He’s clean and well-kept, everything is in place, and I grin to myself and decide to have some fun.
“Are you gay?” I see that he briefly glances at me and I spot the hint of a smirk.
“I ask because I was reading that sometimes an alter can have different sexual orientations.” I shift my body to look at him waiting for a response. “You are aren’t you?!” I say excitedly when he doesn’t respond. It would certainly make things easier.
“If I were you I wouldn’t be so excited because that would make things a whole world more complicated for you,” he answers smugly, and my triumphant smile immediately falls. Shit, I didn’t think of that.
“Don’t panic. I’m not gay.”
I let out a quiet sigh of relief and hope that he doesn’t notice. I also pull up the low-cut top on my dress a bit more.
“You look beautiful… by the way,” he says matter-of-factly.
“Thank you.” A few minutes pass, and I feel nervous, jittery, and completely vulnerable, as if I’m a child sitting at the adult table.
“By the way, they know that we’re joining them. I remember what a surprise it was the last time you were my companion of the night. As long as you promise to keep those passionate outbursts in check tonight, we should be ok.” He counters, and I realize he’s referring to the time I slapped Helen. I hate that he knows so much.
“No promises.” We pull up in front of the restaurant, behind cars as grand as the one we’re in. He gets out of the car, and I’m surprised when he opens the door for me and stretches out his hand. I look at him suspiciously.
“I know that you aren’t used to being around a gentleman, but this is the part where you take my arm.” I scowl at him but grip his hand tightly and get out of the car. He takes my arm and in the same second tosses the keys to the valet person.
“Just so you know both Cal and Chris are gentleman in their own ways,” I tell him tightly as we reach the door to the restaurant, which he makes sure to open for me. The hostess, a beautiful girl who can’t be more than twenty, smiles brightly up at him. Regardless of who he thinks himself to be, he’s still irritatingly handsome, and I must admit that there is something charming about Collin. He tells her our name, and she tells us to follow her upstairs to the center of the restaurant. Near the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the lake is our table, and there awaits Dexter and Helen. My stomach drops at the sight of them. Dexter stands as we approach, and Helen looks over at us with a cautious smile. I can’t even manage to muster a fake one.
“Lauren, Collin.” Hearing Dexter say his name makes my jaw tighten. “You look beautiful,” he adds attempting to kiss my cheek. A kiss I avoid quickly.
“She’s not in the greatest mood,” Collin answers for me with that smug grin of his. Helen stands and allows Collin to kiss her on the cheek and glances at me quickly, as if she’s expecting me to pounce. It’s taking everything in me not to, but I take a deep breath and try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe just maybe they didn’t know about Collin, maybe he just called them up and introduced himself today. Collin pulls my chair out before sitting down himself.
“We’ve taken the liberty of ordering wine already,” Dexter tells us. I quickly grab the bottle and pour. I turn to Collin.
“So do you drink?” I ask snidely. I’m angry, angrier than I was earlier, angry that I have to sit here with these people who are looking at me as if I’m a case study. Hell, I am a walking and breathing one. How many men does it take to break Lauren Scott?
“Not excessively,” he replies evenly. I roll my eyes at that comment before taking a sip that turns into a large gulp and then the entire glass.
“Well, I plan on drinking enough for both of us,” I answer after I finish. He only chuckles shortly. I turn my attention to Helen and Dexter.
“So, you’re all familiar with each other it seems. When did this happen?” I ask sarcastically. Helen clears her throat.
“Collin and I met some time ago,” she says steadily.
“Of course you did!” I laugh angrily.
“I can understand you being upset,” Helen says having the audacity to sound empathetic.
“Upset,” I cackle. “Oh, why would I be upset? It’s not as if you all haven’t lied and kept secrets about my husband since I’ve met you. Why would this be any different?”
Before they can respond, a waiter has arrived. He reads off the specials, and what he suggests. Helen and Dexter order something that sounds exotic, expensive, and something I wouldn’t eat in a million years. Collin orders lobster, which is not surprising. I tell the waiter I won’t be dining tonight, even though I’m hungry. I refuse to eat with my enemies.
“She’ll have the filet mignon medium well with sautéed spinach and the twice baked potato,” Collin tells the waiter.
It’s exactly what I would have ordered if I were going to actually order. I should find it endearing, but instead, I’m annoyed by it. It’s just another reminder of how much these people know about me and how little I know about them. I listen to them make small polite talk, and it turns my stomach. I’m on my third glass of wine when Collin leans down near my ear; I hate my heart for speeding up.
“I think you should slow down a bit sweetheart.”
I turn to him with a sweet smile. “I’m not your sweetheart,” I say acidly. He takes in a sharp breath. For the first time this evening, he seems affected, and I smile to myself in satisfaction. For a while, I thought he was unrattable? Is unrattable a word? I giggle to myself.
“Collin, how about we go to the bar for a quick drink,” Dexter suggests, and Collin looks a bit relieved. The tension at the table was unbearable before my second glass and is only a tad less now that I’m on my third glass.
“I’d be happy to join you.” Collin stands adjusting his suit jacket. I roll my eyes. However I’m surprised when he leans down and his cheek touches mine. I scold myself for thinking how good he smells.
“Don’t sit here stewing and getting drunk. If you want answers, ask the questions. These passive-aggressive tantrums you throw are never effective,” he whispers to me.
My mouth falls open but before I can respond, he’s gone from the table. I narrow my eyes on him and Dexter as they leave. If I could, I’d burn a hole in his jacket because he doesn’t look back at me once.
“Would it be presumptuous of me to ask how you’re doing?” I look over at Helen forgetting that she was here for a moment. My first thought is to grab my glass and pour another glass of wine and ignore her, but Collin’s words echo in my head.
He’s right, I hate to admit it but he is, so instead, I grab the glass I haven’t touched all night and take a sip of water and look at Helen. She’s perfectly made up tonight, beautiful and sophisticated with the right hint of empathy and concern matching her perfectly manicured hands and upswept hair. At first look, she’s just a beautiful kept woman, but I’ve learned Helen is so much more than that. Cal was always right about her. It makes sense that she’s a doctor. She’s obviously a master manipulator, deceptively agenda-less, but I’m learning all the Crestfields have an agenda. Hell Scotts, Crestfields, and I’ve married into both.
“I know that I haven’t been forthcoming with you.”
I fold my arms across my chest.
/> “You know Helen, I think my problem is that I’ve thought of you as a friend. If I take that title out of the equation, I can stop feeling betrayed and manipulated.”
She nods, thankfully agreeing that she isn’t my friend and it stings a tiny bit but I appreciate her not patronizing me.
“I think that would be best during his treatment.”
“So has Collin updated you on all that’s happened,” I ask trying to keep my tone even. She nods.
“He wants to start working with Crestfield Corporation,” Helen reveals, though it’s not much of a reveal because it doesn’t surprise me. I definitely couldn’t see Collin being a farmhand or high school teacher.
“And exactly how would they all work that out?” I ask trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. I shake my head and lean forward feeling my throat tighten.
“Things are not good. Cal is…. he’s not okay, and Chris was… not exactly himself, and Collin has popped up again. Things are not okay. What am I supposed to do, just smile and play pretend wife to Collin?” I ask hearing the desperation creep into my voice. I’m mad at Helen. I don’t trust her, but right now it’s as if she’s the only one that could offer any enlightenment into how this works.
“I have a daughter that I have to get back to, and I really don’t want her involved in this… I don’t know what to call it. Less than three days ago my husband tried to kill a man, a day ago he exploded on his dad and threw him out. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but I am at a complete loss of what I should be doing!” My voice is panicked, and I’ve revealed more of what’s inside of me than I originally intended, but Helen looks on calm and collected, not the least bit surprised or rattled by the things I’ve told her. It actually feels good to say out loud what I’ve been holding in.
“And this switching or, I’m sorry, transitioning that’s happening, it’s so taxing to say the least. Now there’s another person that I have to deal with, who is so different from Cal and Chris, and he’s so smug and self-satisfying which wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t feel so clueless,” I admit.
