by Portia Moore
Cal believes that he has more to offer than he does and Chris believes he doesn’t have enough. Chris gives too much of himself to people but Cal doesn’t give enough. There is a balance to everything and neither one can master it without the other and definitely not without me.
It is for that reason why I’m the constant.
Why I am here when they leave. When they think the hurt is too sharp, when the anger is too much, when the fear is so deep they feel as if they’re drowning. That makes them the lifeless body and me the life jacket. I’m the one who keeps Calvin from putting us in jail and prevents Chris from putting us in the insane asylum.
It was a bad volleyball game once upon a time. Bouncing from one extreme to another. Cal wanting to live life indulging in whatever pleasured him at the time, regardless of the consequences, and Chris only doing what he thought would be acceptable, pleasing to the people most important to him, completely unaware of the dirty little secrets that were being kept hidden from him by the people he loved most. It seemed purposeless at first, the balancing act that is. Swinging from one extreme to the other, no common ground. Part of me believing he knows it all while the other part walking around completely clueless. Cal more than happy to keep Chris in the dark, in his eyes, it was fun playing the choirboy. No commonality except for the women that they love.
One being poor Gwen. I am exhausted just thinking of what Chris’s hero, his moral anchor did to her. It was almost sickening to watch her with him; oblivious to his deceit, unaware of his deception, truly believing that the man she loved for so long was incapable of something so vile. Watching Lisa parade around as if the secret she held never existed, both of them so wrapped up in their own glory of getting away with the ultimate mistake. William was so self-righteous toward Lauren, and deathly afraid of Calvin. He displaced his own guilt with anger toward the people that could pull the curtain up on his little show. I have to give him credit. He held up pretty well for a man walking around land mines not knowing that at any minute everything could explode. I’m disappointed in him though. I thought between him and Lisa that he would be the one to finally expose everything, but fear motivated him more than his love did, and for that, I feel truly sorry for Gwen.
“I thought that we should talk,” she smiles away her pain. I respect her for that, something both her and Lauren have in common.
I stand and allow her to sit on the bed. She looks around the room letting out a cleansing breath.
“I wanted to thank you for being… kind.” She says as if she’s searching for the right words.
“You’re welcome.”
“I always wanted a relationship with Cal, he just… I guess he hated us.”
“He doesn’t hate you,” I tell her and she gives me a lopsided smile.
“Lauren told me about everything that’s happened. I wish that I had known, that there was something that I could have done.” Her sorrow sweeps over her instantly.
I take her hand and I can tell she’s surprised. “You did the best thing you could for us. You were a great mother, you are a great mother, and we’re going to be okay,” I reassure her. Her eyes raise to mine and she smiles. I see hope in them; hope that things are going to be okay. I know that she wants to believe me, that if she looks hard enough she’ll see the little boy who was easy, who wanted to please her, who she could solve all of his problems with a glass of milk and a chocolate chip cookie.
“A-are there any more of you?” she asks hesitantly. I squeeze her hand and I hope it melts her heart.
“No, I’m the last of the Mohicans,” I tell her and she lets out a relieved sigh.
“Not that I wouldn’t love anyone else,” she explains quickly and I nod in understanding. “I also apologize for Aidan earlier, he’s usually much better behaved. Thank you for not escalating things.”
I grin, because it did take a lot to stop that from happening. Cal tried to use the building anger to slip out through the cracks. He’s on time-out until he learns how to play well with others again. Cal has the emotional stamina of a six year old, and after finally showing him what he arrogantly blocked out, he has no idea how to control his thinking or actions. He’s out of order, until I can get things stable.
“I told Lauren that there’s no need for an apology.”
“You’re so different from them,” she says with a perplexed look on her face.
“I have to be.”
“When you’re not… when you’re not in control… where are you?” she asks, her tone mixed with curiosity and concern.
“I am always around. I never go dark like Chris does or like Calvin decides to do most times. I have to always be aware.”
“Go dark… what does that mean?”
“Unconscious, a deep sleep,” I tell her simply. Her eyes widen, she seems caught off guard by my forthrightness. It makes sense, in a family that is so used to half-truths and hiding secrets.
“You’re like the co-pilot,” she deduces and I grin.
“That would be the perfect analogy,” I tell her and she smiles.
“Mrs. Scott?” We both turn to see Lauren nervously at the door. “Mr. Scott just got here.”
I turn to Gwen to see her face has drained of color.
“Do you want me to ask him to leave?” I keep my voice cool and even because I want her to know that I’ll ask in a way that won’t lead to an altercation or emotional breakdown, like my counterparts would.
“No, no it’s his home too. We’ll share it until I decide what it is I’m going to do,” she says quietly and stands. She walks past Lauren who is almost frozen in the doorway. She looks over at me, her wide hazel eyes full of confusion—the same eyes that both Cal and Chris fell in love with, eyes that can light up a room, or be clouded with sadness depending on which man chooses what action. I’m grateful for Lauren. She was the connection, the bridge that both needed, someone that they both could love. I was skeptical if Chris would, since she was so different from Jenna. Not that I didn’t like Jenna, but she would’ve never been the one that Cal would sacrifice the life he built for. He detested her, or better yet regretted the chance he gave her to slip in.
I remember the day Cal had given up, resigned to letting Lauren go, doing the most selfless thing he’d ever done, or so he thought. It’s not unusual that Cal’s actions tend to backfire because he acts in the moment, strictly out of emotion, without envisioning the long-term effects. Passionate to a fault, the same thing Lauren loves about him is the same thing that causes her so much pain.
“Do you think we should go down there?” She looks to me nervously.
“No, I think they need to work things out themselves. Whichever way it goes.” Her eyes narrow in on me, full of curiosity, as if she’s still trying to figure me out.
“Do you think she’ll forgive him?” she asks, and I sit beside her. She rubs her hands across her thighs.
I make her nervous, and not because she’s scared or uncomfortable, but because she isn’t and she feels like she should be.
“I think that she will,” I tell her honestly and she raises an eyebrow. “You disagree?”
“How can she trust him after something like this? I don’t know if she could get past a betrayal like that.” She takes her time with her words, putting herself in Gwen’s situation.
“I don’t think Gwen is motivated by certainty. Love drives her. If he can convince her that he still loves her, that the family can survive this, she’ll take him back,” I say fairly confident.
“You sound so sure,” she looks at me perplexed and slightly annoyed.
“Once you find out what motivates a person, you can usually figure out the outcome of the decisions they make fairly easily. For instance a woman whose driven more by certainty and routine would never be able to take a man back who has broken her trust—it breaks down her core motivation. A woman like that would never be able to have any peace not knowing if he will go with the wind so to speak.”
She smiles and her eyes narrow in
on me, studying me. “How do you know all of this? How did you have the time to become so intuitive?”
“Not intuitive, observant,” I correct her and she rolls her eyes.
She shifts her body toward me. “Well, Dr. Scott, no Dr. Crestfield, that would be more appropriate right?” There’s a challenge to her voice but it’s laced with a tad of flirtation, and I’m intrigued. I shift toward her.
“You and Gwen are one in the same,” I tell her with a smile. She gives me a dismissive grin.
“Well let me tell you, if you or any of you decided to cheat on me with one of Caylen’s friends when she gets older, I will kill you.” She looks me in the eye and for the first time in so long they are wide and bright and playful. A look she’s never given me, and for a second I forget that she’s their distraction, not mine, and for a moment it’s as if she forgets she’s in love with them and not me. Then she remembers, tearing her eyes away from mine.
“I’m okay with leaving tomorrow afternoon.” She stands and I do as well. “I think your treatment takes priority over anything else right now.”
“Goodnight, Collin.” She waves before leaving the room, and I ignore the feeling that I’ve never felt, can’t quite describe, but I am pretty certain is disappointment.
Chapter Five
Lauren
We’re all up early though I got up earlier than everyone else. I’m not sure where Mr. Scott slept last night, but it wasn’t in his room. Mrs. Scott left her door open and she’s the only one there, and his truck hasn’t left its spot from yesterday. My phone rings and I see that it’s Hillary. I can’t help but roll my eyes because I’m super surprised that she’s up before dawn after seeing how drunk they were last night. Hillary and Aidan together just seem odd. Well not that odd,—they’re both single, the same age, and attractive. I just sort of cringe at the havoc of them being serious with each other would cause. I hope Aidan knows what he’s getting into. I’m surprised when it’s his voice on the phone and not Hillary’s.
“Hey Lauren, my phone died so I just used Hillary’s.” His voice is deep like he’s just gotten up.
“I figured that,” I am still slightly annoyed at how they acted last night. I expect things like that from Hillary, but Aidan could have been a little more mature under the circumstance. Those two can be like fire and gasoline.
“I was calling to apologize about yesterday. I was a jerk, and it was stupid. I know you guys didn’t need that, and I don’t take my best friends condition as a joke.” Well, he’s hit all of the marks I was going to check him for.
“I’m just glad it didn’t escalate to something terrible,” I say watching Caylen turn over in bed.
“I saw Mr. Scott’s truck out back. Is everything okay?”
“As far as I know.”
“Do you need any help over there… is he… still that guy…” He says the last part with apprehension and almost disgust.
“Yes he is and we’re actually going to be leaving soon. Could you check in on Mrs. Scott every once in a while? We offered her to come to Chicago with us, but she says she’s going to be fine here.”
“I will. Are you going to be okay with prep school Chris?”
“His name is Collin, and yes he’s harmless,” I giggle.
“When did Chris check out? Was it after all the stuff with Lisa?”
“Yeah, but he came back… it’s a long story. It’d probably be better for Chris to tell you… when he comes back,” I trail off.
“Do you know when that will be?”
I shake my head in response and realize he can’t see me. “No, I’m sort of as clueless as everyone else is,” I admit with a chuckle.
“Have you talked to Lisa?” I ask wanting to change the subject. She has been running through my thoughts lately. I haven’t talked to her since the day she had me meet her at the restaurant and told me she had something she had to tell Chris. I hate that all of this happened. I actually considered Lisa a friend. We were growing close and now… I guess I can’t really judge her. She was so young and I wasn’t a part of the story then, but as a wife I feel obligated to take Mrs. Scott’s side.
“Yeah I’ve been over there. She went and dropped Willa off with her aunt yesterday morning,” he reveals and I’m reminded that Lisa and Mr. Scott have a child together. The fact that she named her daughter after him, it makes it so much more real, and for Mrs. Scott it has to be even more hurtful. I think of the night she cried in my arms on the bathroom floor and feel myself becoming emotional.
“Do you know if Mr. Scott has seen her… their daughter,” I ask, curiosity getting the best of me.
“I don’t know.” His voice is desolate, a far cry from his usually playful jovial tone that he had just last night aided with alcohol. In this instant I realize that Aidan is hurting too. His brother Chris is MIA, the Scotts are like his family and on the verge of ruin, and his best friends will probably never speak to each other again.
“Are you okay Aidan?” I ask him genuinely.
“I’m always okay.” I can hear the smile in his voice, and I know he’s mustered it up for me.
“Well since you and Hillary are a thing now, I’m sure I’ll be seeing you a lot in Chicago,” I say teasingly.
“We’re not a thing!” He sounds almost panicked and I have to keep myself from giggling. He doesn’t know Hillary. They are now a thing.
“Whatever you say,” I tell him reassuringly.
“You’ll let me know as soon as Chris is… back,” he says unsurely.
“That’s a promise.”
“Good. Take it easy Lauren.” His tone is more serious.
“You too,” I tell him before hanging up. After finishing up with Aidan I shower quickly and change Caylen while she’s sleeping. It’s really early, and I don’t want to mess up her schedule. Collin texts me that we’ll be leaving at 7:30 and it’s 6:45 now. I’m doing the last check of things when there’s a knock on the door. I figure it’s Mrs. Scott but am surprised when I see it’s Mr. Scott. He still looks tired and drained, but now there’s something I didn’t see the last time we saw each other. Hope, right behind his blue-green eyes.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning.” I move from the doorway allowing him to come in. He steps inside, and I close the door behind me. I think of how far he and I have come. How this man practically hated me before, how mean and bitter he was. He wasn’t my ally, honestly he felt like my enemy. There was nothing I could do right and my very presence irritated him. Now after everything has come out, I think I’m his only ally right now.
“Gwen mentioned that you and…” he lets out a deep breath. “Collin are leaving.”
“Yeah,” I nod. “I’m hoping that if he sees Helen that it will help things.”
“I think she can help, I hope, but what do I know now?” he chuckles.
“Have you talked to him?”
He shakes his head. “No, I didn’t think it was the best thing right now.” That I’m surprised at, but maybe I shouldn’t be after the verbal shredding Chris gave him.
“Gwen said that he doesn’t seem that bad.” I wonder if those were his interpretations of her words and not his. To be honest, Gwen actually seems smitten with Collin.
“Not now at least,” I answer honestly. Really I don’t know what to think of Collin. He seems so transparent but that is something that I just can’t trust at this point. His goals seem too perfect. It would be so easy if this part of the man I loved wanted what was best for everyone, but it seems odd for his goal to be so out of line with the other two parts of himself. If he’s being honest and it truly is his goal, does it matter when the other two halves are so against it?
“Gwen told me that he reminds her of a better version of a Crestfield,” he says hesitantly.
“That sounds like a good description of him actually.”
“Well if that’s the case, be careful.”
I start to tell him that his son is an actual Crestfield, but I don’t. He ha
s to already know that and I don’t want to add anything extra on his mental scale right now.
“If there is anything you need from me or Gwen, we are there. It doesn’t matter how early or how late.” I can tell he means it with every fiber in his body.
“I will I promise.”
And I mean it. If we’re going to make this work, it’s going to take every one of us.
It’s been so many times that Caylen and I have pulled up to our home, gone up so many flights of stairs, and opened the door. Yet it has never been with Cal.
It’s just been us, or Chris has been with us, or at least I think it was him. And now Collin. We’ve been home for a week, and luckily Caylen still knows this is her home. It still feels like it for her, and Collin, I believe, she knows is her dad.
He loves her.
He’s patient with her, he plays with her. She sleeps in my bed every night. I know I have to stop it, she’s so good about sleeping on her own, but it’s more for my comfort than hers. It’s lonely being back here and still by myself in bed. Of course Collin and I don’t sleep in the same room. He hasn’t initiated doing so, and only comes in every morning to collect things. Yesterday I know he went shopping. I peeked into the closet of the room he’s staying in. I must say his taste is impeccable, but expensive, even making Cal’s look frugal. He leaves everyday between 7 and 9 but is back before seven. It’s almost like having a roommate, and it feels so strange. Mr. and Mrs. Scott have checked in on me each day, at different times of course. They’re in the same house— that’s a step—but I don’t know how much longer that will be. I feel so bad for Mrs. Scott, and sometimes it’s easier to talk to her about the pain she’s dealing with than dealing with my own. What pain am I in? After everything it seems selfish to think of my own pain. After everything we’ve found out, what’s happened in everyone's past, it seems ridiculous.
“I want cookies,” Caylen squeals while splashing the bubbles in the tub. I laugh.
