When they returned to their room Cord took her by the shoulders and stared down into her eyes, his expression sober.
“I can’t promise yet that I won’t smoke another cigarette in my lifetime, but I swear to you right now that I’ll never, ever smoke around you or our child.” His voice rang with conviction.
Her eyes smarted, but she didn’t look away. “I believe you, Cord. There’s no question in my mind that you’re going to be a loving, caring, demonstrative father, that you’ll be all the things your own father missed being.
“Since we both recognize that this child’s conception was nothing less than miraculous, I know,” her voice shook, “that you’ll keep your promise.”
His eyes were hooded as he whispered, “Thank you for that.” He unexpectedly lowered his head and brushed her lips with his. A featherlight kiss which felt like the seal of a vow, rather than a prelude to passion. She had the overwhelming conviction in her heart that he would never break that vow. She loved him for it. “While you get ready for bed, I’ll set up Boggle.”
“Boggle?” It was a spelling game they often played on snowy winter nights at the ranger’s cabin after they were married. Just the mention of it brought back myraid memories that made her heart turn over. “Did you find it in the lounge?”
He flashed her one of his heart-stopping smiles. “No. I brought it from home in the hope that you’d play it with me.”
It had been on the tip of her tongue to refuse him on the grounds that she was too tired. But secretly, she was afraid to spend any more time with him.
Every conceivable barrier which she’d taken the greatest pains to erect in order to counteract his power, was in danger of being knocked aside by an unexpected look of desire igniting his dark blue eyes, or the compelling curve of his male mouth at a vulnerable moment.
But the therapy had to be working, because she didn’t have the heart to turn him down. In all honesty, after eight months’ deprivation, she craved every moment with him.
“All right. I’ll change and be with you in a minute.” Without glancing at him, she hurried over to the drawers and drew out the things she needed, but one item was missing.
“I hung your robe on the bathroom door.” He read her mind, just like he used to do.
“Thank you,” she said and quietly slipped into the bathroom, her pulse beating far too fast to be healthy. Heavens! She felt much more shy than she had on her wedding night.
How many times had they made love during their six-year marriage? At least several thousand anyway. They were expecting a baby, yet she could easily be that same virginal bride who was anticipating their wedding night with all that excitement and maidenly fears that were part of her heritage being brought up by nuns.
Tortured by the nature of her thoughts, she showered and prepared for bed, praying that Cord might have started watching a show on TV while he waited for her. Hopefully he’d be too engrossed to care about a game and she could go right to sleep.
But she’d forgotten that he disliked television except for some of the nature films. He preferred reading the newspaper to watching the news which he claimed didn’t give the true story on anything. She happened to share his opinion.
When they’d lived in the Tetons, they didn’t bother to buy a TV set. They both read a lot of books. But mostly they talked about what they’d done during the day while they made dinner and did the dishes together.
Afterward they’d play games, or put on music and dance. Later, they made passionate love. Those years had been so idyllic, maybe she shouldn’t have expected life to go on like that.
When she tiptoed from the bathroom wearing the yellow crushed-nylon robe which would barely fit by the time she delivered, there was no sound from the TV to greet her ears.
Instead, Cord had changed into his green robe and was sitting next to her bed, the Boggle box in his hand.
Don’t think about the last time you saw that robe, Ashley, or it will tear you apart all over again.
Cord glanced in her direction. She felt his probing gaze linger on the outline of her body before he patted the mattress. He might as well have been touching her. “Come on and get in. We’ll use this side of the bed for a table.”
Ashley walked around the end of the bed and got in as gracefully as she could, but it was a terrible struggle to remain dignified. “Don’t you dare laugh at me,” she snapped when she noticed his mouth quirk. Inching her way until she was lying on her side facing him, the covers reaching her chin, she added, “A man will never know what it’s like to resemble an overgrown tuna who can’t get around without being hoisted.”
As he adjusted the pillows for her, a low bark of male laughter burst forth, its sound thrilling her in spite of her efforts not to be affected by him.
“You could never look like a tuna, darling.” But there was a distinct twinkle in those blue depths that told her he could see her as something else.
“A plump partridge then?” she prodded.
His smile broadened. “I’m in enough trouble with you as it is, so I plead the fifth out of self-preservation.”
His words, tossed in the air during a moment of funning, found an unwitting target.
Before she lost her courage she said, “Tell me something, Cord—”
“Anything,” he came back so fiercely, she realized that all levity had ceased for him, as well.
She bit her lip. “When you saw that I was pregnant, why did you assume it was Greg’s baby?”
Lines darkened his handsome features. “When I passed you in the hall, it took me a second to realize that it was you.”
His eyes searched hers. “You knew how much I loved your long hair.” His voice grated. “I figured you would never have cut it unless you’d done it for another man. In my gut I knew you hadn’t slept with Greg, but I was so eaten up with pain and jealousy, I said it to make you mad enough to reveal the true father’s name.”
Another wave of guilt assailed her. “I—I’m sorry you had to find out about the pregnancy the way you did. With hindsight, I can see that keeping it from you was the wrong thing to do,” she whispered. “You had every right to know about it as soon as I did.” Her voice caught.
“As far as my hair, you have to understand that growing up, I thought I would become a nun. Sister Bernice said I would have to have it all cut off if I joined an order, so I decided I would always keep it long until that day arrived.
“Obviously I passed out of that phase by my senior year in high school, but my hair remained the same length. When I discovered I was pregnant, I had the usual morning sickness and felt hot all the time. That’s when the idea came to cut it short. It wasn’t done to hurt or shock you on purpose, Cord.”
“I realize that,” he admitted in thick tones.
“It’s just that after all these years, it was fun to try something new and I thought it would be easier to take care of with a baby. But I know I look very different now.”
“Do you honestly think your hairstyle makes any difference to me?” he bit out. “Hell, Ashley, you look beautiful either way. As for regrets, I have too many of my own to reproach you for anything. You’re carrying my child and you’re both healthy. Everything else fades into insignificance.”
She nodded. “I agree. Our baby has to come first now.”
“Where do you live these days?” His question brought up a whole new subject, one she’d been hesitant to broach because of his inevitable, negative reaction.
She stared at the opposite wall. “I’ve been staying with an elderly woman, taking care of her, but I ended that job to come into the hospital. When I leave here on Sunday, I’ll be living in an apartment in a nice residential area.”
A tension-filled silence pervaded the room. “How will you earn your living?”
“I’ll be all right for a few months, then I’ll find another caretaker position where I can live in with the baby. Mrs. Bromwell and her family will provide me with a good reference.”
By now
she had expected Cord to interrupt or give her an ultimatum. Earlier he’d told her he wouldn’t give her a divorce, yet he was silent on the subject now.
At the least she thought he would demand that she start accepting his money to help take care of additional expenses. It shocked her when he did none of those things. In fact, he said nothing at all.
Admit that it hurts, Ashley. Admit that you were hoping he would put up a fight.
She turned her head in his direction, only to discover him examining the quilt she’d left on the other chair.
“This is beautiful,” he marveled before darting her an unreadable glance. “I had no idea you knew how to do this kind of work.”
“Some ladies at the church I attend taught me how to quilt.”
“We’ll have our baby christened in it. Have you bought a special gown?”
Oh, Cord. If only you knew. I haven’t bought anything.
“No.” Her voice wobbled. “Not yet.”
“If you’d rather work on this than play a game, I’ll understand.”
“No. It’s almost finished. I can do it any time this week.”
She watched him put it back. His stillness alerted her that he was deep in thought about something earthshaking.
“I’m ready for a round of Boggle whenever you are,” she spoke softly to remind him she was still in the room.
“Ashley—if you don’t mind, I think I’ll pass on the game. Maybe what I need is a cup of coffee. I’m going to walk down to the lounge. Shall I turn out the lights for you?”
Her dejection at the thought of him leaving her alone was greater than she could believe.
“Yes, please.”
“Goodnight, Ashley. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Hot tears trickled from her eyes as she heard the door close behind him. Was his sudden need to get out of the room due to his going a whole day without a cigarette, or was there a lot more to it than that?
She had no idea what he was thinking and feeling. Always at the back of her mind lurked Sheila. Like a malevolent specter, the image of her wearing Cord’s robe haunted Ashley.
But Cord swore that there’d been no illicit liaison, that he’d been outside and had no idea Sheila had gone to his room. In front of Vince he’d claimed to despise his stepmother.
It’s my word against hers, Ashley. Whom are you going to believe?
The question went ’round and ’round in her head. Had he grown tired of asking it?
Is that why he’d walked out just now? Because she’d told him her plans after she left the hospital on Sunday, and what she’d said had let him know that she didn’t intend to live with him again?
He would translate that to mean she didn’t believe him and couldn’t forgive him. So why bother anymore…
Could she really blame him when even now she was fighting the fear that he might be calling Sheila?
Why did you leave me just now, Cord? Why are you so silent?
When she thought about it, he’d cared enough to make the initial call to her last Friday. Though their conversation had degenerated before she’d found out the exact favor he’d wanted from her, through further illumination from Greg, she was here now.
All day she and Cord had been communicating the way they once did when they’d been happily married. They’d made a lot of progress today. To have come this far, only for him to go all quiet and retreat within himself where she couldn’t reach him, made her want to weep from frustration. It didn’t make sense!
It was like déjà vu.
Only this time it was Cord who was running away instead of Ashley. Before this night ended, she planned to confront him, otherwise the whole purpose of this program was wasted on them.
Forgetting her pregnancy, she shot up in bed. The constricting muscles beneath her stomach made her cry out in pain. When they subsided, she removed the covers and carefully got down from the mattress.
A trip to the bathroom to run a brush through her hair and put on some lipstick, and she was ready. The hospital provided slippers which she put on her feet before leaving the room.
With her heart pounding too fast, she padded down to the lounge and opened the door. Several couples were still in there talking, but there was no sign of Cord. They invited her to join them. She thanked them, but declined, using the excuse that she was too tired to stay up any longer.
“Have you seen my husband anywhere?”
Jerry nodded. “He came for a cup of coffee and said he needed to make a phone call, but didn’t want to disturb you. I told him to go ahead and use the phone in our room. We’re in 506.”
“You’ll find him in there, honey,” his wife concurred.
Her heart plummeted to her feet. “Thank you.” Determined as she’d never been in her life, Ashley wheeled out of the lounge and went in search of Cord. Without knocking on the door which had been left ajar, she simply walked in.
Cord stood at the bedside table, the phone to his ear. When he saw who had entered the room, he looked stunned. His dark brows furrowed before he muttered something unintelligible into the receiver, then covered the mouthpiece.
“Ashley? What’s wrong?” There was alarm in his voice.
She sucked in her breath. “That's what I came to ask you. Who are you talking to?”
“Greg. I was thanking him.”
“For what?”
“For not letting me give up on you. I wanted him to know that the counseling is working.”
Her body went rigid. “Aren’t you being a little premature? Tonight you closed up on me. After you asked me questions, you didn’t let me know what you were thinking. Instead you left the room without saying anything. It’s a pattern of yours that helped drive us apart a long time ago.
“I’ve been as guilty as you in that regard, but I thought the purpose of this program was to change that pattern. Today I answered all your questions as honestly as I could and told you my feelings. I thought we’d achieved a breakthrough of sorts.”
Even though she knew Greg was still on the phone—or maybe it was Sheila. Would she ever really know? Now that she’d gotten started, she couldn’t seem to stop.
“Just tell me I was wrong, Cord, and we’ll end this farce before we waste any more of Dr. Drake’s time.”
Without as much as a twitch of an eyelid, he raised the receiver to his ear. “Greg— I’ll have to call you back.”
Somehow she hadn’t expected him to act so fast. When he started toward her with purpose in every stride, a frisson of fear attacked her body.
Not wanting an audience, she turned and hurried to their room ahead of him, surprised that she’d had the temerity to approach him while he was still on the phone.
The second he shut the door behind them, he asked in an amazingly calm voice, “How exactly did I shut you out?”
She stood in the center of the room, breathless. “Today you said you would fight me for a divorce. Tonight, you asked me my future plans but made no comment one way or the other. One moment we were going to play a game, the next moment, you disappeared on me.
“What’s going on inside you, Cord? If we can’t talk about it, then there’s no point in our being here.”
He folded his arms. “I agree we covered a lot of territory today. Maybe too much for a woman as close to her due date as you. Early this morning Vince warned me to go easy.”
“Vince?” She frowned. “He’s the reason you said night-night to me and turned off the lights like I was a little child up past my bedtime?”
“Who else would know I’m like a hot rocket ready to explode off the pad given the slightest encouragement.”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
His eyes flashed dangerously. “Then I’ll explain it to you. You think I like hearing that you have been forced to be a companion to someone else when I should have been waiting on you all this time?
“Instead of going out to lunch with your friends, buying clothes and having showers for the baby, you think I’m thrilled th
at you’ve been cooped up with no money, no outlet, no laughter?
“You can forget going back to any apartment after you leave here. You’re coming home with me where you belong. We’re going to resume wedded life and flaunt our little one-to-be in front of Sheila until she breaks and admits to all the evil she’s done. Then we’ll both have the pleasure of throwing her out of our house and our lives. Is that enough truth for you?”
CHAPTER SIX
Wednesday turned out to be a beautiful spring day, but maybe that was because Cord went with Ashley for her checkup and she could tell he was excited to be accompanying her.
“Dr. Noble? Before you say anything, I need to explain that Cord didn’t know we were expecting until yesterday morning. I—it’s my fault,” she stammered, unable to sustain Cord’s penetrating glance.
Dr. Noble digested her revelation, then said, “Well, Cord. Better late than never. You realize, of course, that you two have defied the odds of having a baby. Congratulations!”
Cord flashed the doctor a quick smile. It tore at Ashley’s senses. “I’ve been in shock since I first caught sight of my very pregnant wife. How is she today?”
“Your blood pressure and iron level are normal. Its heartbeat is perfect.”
Cord’s thoughtful gaze rested on her once more. “That’s good.” His voice cracked with emotion. “Ashley?”
She jerked her head toward the doctor, her heart racing. “You have a good-sized baby in there. Your uterus measures on the high end of the normal range. I can foresee no problems and expect you’ll go full term. But to be safe, I’m ordering another ultrasound. Maybe you’ve changed your mind about wanting to know the baby’s gender?”
“She told me she wanted to be surprised,” Cord intervened swiftly. “I’ll abide by her wishes.”
Ashley had trouble swallowing. She was certain Cord was dying to know if they were having a boy or a girl, but so far he’d been totally supportive of her and her desires. It was a very humbling experience. Especially when she had denied him all knowledge of her condition for the last eight months.
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