by Rhys Ford
“Lucky it’s your wedding day or I’d punch you right back,” Damie replied. “I’ll try to keep most of the rabble out, but looks like Liam wants a word with you. Should I let him in?”
“Yeah, might as well.” He cast a look down the long hall, seeing his father work past the short line of people standing in front of the bathroom doors. “Who knows? He might have a barf bag on him. Never know.”
“Miki!” Liam called out, nodding when Damien motioned him in. “Thanks. It’s insane out there. Thought this was supposed to be a small thing.”
“This is a small thing.” Damien snorted as he ducked back into the greenroom. “We sell arenas out. Think we can’t fill a pub?”
“That one’s got an ego on him.” Liam chuckled. “You two balance each other out.”
“Most of the time, when we don’t want to kill each other,” Miki admitted, hitching himself up onto the old wooden desk dominating the room.
Finnegan’s office had been carved out of a storeroom, but someone’d taken it upon themselves to install a window, letting in light and, when open, the ripe fishy odor of the Bay and its nearby mammalian residents. Sionn’d probably cracked open the shuttered panes to start airflow between the office and the lounge, so Miki and Liam were graced with a serenade of raucous gulls and the occasional bellow of a disgruntled sea lion.
Still, Miki figured it was better than the high-level headache-inducing rumble of the pub’s main room, and despite the smell, he needed the relative quiet more than anything else.
“Here, I got you something,” Liam said, digging into his pants pockets. “Well, not really got you, but it’s something I got for your mom before… then. I’d bought it before they pulled me out, and I thought I’d give it to her when I saw her again, but now I guess I should give it to you.”
The box was small and flat, its edges grimy from being handled and its once-blue fabric faded across the flat surfaces, bleached to a pale turquoise. Its hinge creaked when Miki opened it, complaining at being forced to share its treasure, but it gave in and Miki found himself looking at a small pair of thick gold hoops, their flat surfaces carved with a pair of elaborately filigreed elephants.
“She liked elephants,” Liam muttered, almost apologetically. “It was a Thai thing, I think. At least that’s what she told me. Or maybe she just liked them. But I’d gotten them for her birthday. I figured you’re fairly open-minded about stuff. You wouldn’t think they were too feminine.”
“Nah, they’re great. They match my cat ink.” Miki grinned, plucking one out of its nest, then setting the box down on the desk. Taking the stud out from his left ear, he worked the hoop in, closing its catch. “You should take the other one. Because she might have been my mom, but she was someone special to you too.”
He’d meant to say more, something about them matching or maybe even keeping a part of Achara between them, but Liam nodded before Miki could open his mouth, then said, “It’ll be nice. We can share them. I just don’t have a hole in my ear.”
“Shit, that’s easy.” Miki rested on his palms on the desk, leaning his weight back. “You’re at a musician’s wedding in an Irish pub with a bunch of cops and artists. All we need is a needle, an ice cube, and a piece of cork. You’ll have it in before the sun comes back up.”
“Or I could have it done by someone who’s licensed to do it,” his father drolly pointed out.
“Pretty sure we can find that someone out there. We know a lot of people who like to do things with needles,” he replied, matching Liam’s drawl.
“Can I be cutting in when ye’re done?” Donal called out from the door. “Thought I’d say a few words to the boy before he goes out there.”
“Yeah, come in.” Liam edged toward the hall. “I’ll see you outside, Mick. And maybe drink some water—you’re looking kind of pale.”
Liam was gone before Miki could say anything, and the room was suddenly filled with an Irish cop Miki loved nearly as much as the one who’d put a ring on his finger. Perching on the desk, Donal nudged his shoulder into Miki, then slung his arm around him, giving him a fierce hug.
“You okay, Miki boy?” Donal prodded gently. “Ye seem a bit overwhelmed, and I know ye’ve had bigger crowds than this in front of you. What’s on yer mind?”
“This. Today. Tomorrow.” Miki exhaled sharply. “He’s going to hate it.”
In a way, talking to Donal was like folding a bit of Kane into a healthy dose of common sense and wisdom, giving Miki a sneak peek of what his husband would be like in twenty-odd years. Donal didn’t pull any punches, cloaking his hit in velvet but smacking Miki with a bit of truth he always tried to avoid.
“Ye’re better than that, Mick. Ye know my boy. Do ye think he’d be that way?” Donal’s arm was a slack embrace around Miki’s back, a warm support against the chilled air creeping through the open window. “Try again.”
“Kane’s going to like it,” Miki offered up with a half grin, grimacing when Donal fixed him with a stern look. “Fuck, okay. Kane’s going to love it. He’ll worship the ground I walk on forever even if I screw everything up when I get onstage.”
“Well, it’s a start and more than I thought I’d get out of ye,” Donal admitted. “And speaking of our Kane, he sent me to come looking for you. Seems his heart’s after a kiss before ye climb up onto those boards. Tell him ye love him and go do what ye were put on this earth to do. And that’s not giving me any more gray hairs. Despite what ye think.”
The band was ready for him when Miki emerged from the office, his belly warmed by the shot of whiskey he’d shared with Donal before his father gave him another hug fierce enough to crack his spine. The walk down the hall toward the pub’s stage seemed to last forever and a day, then a burst of light broke open the room and Miki searched the crowd for the one face—the one person—he’d be singing to that night.
Kane met him at the edge of the raised platform, shoving Connor and Sionn aside to get to Miki while Quinn tapped at Forest’s drums as he waited for Rafe onstage. Squeezing Kane’s fingers, Miki leaned into his cop, kissing him deep enough to fold quiet over them, closing their world off from everyone around them.
“I love you, a ghra,” Kane murmured after their kiss, their foreheads touching lightly, and their hands clasped by their sides. “Thanks for asking me to marry you.”
“Shit, thanks for saying yes,” Miki whispered. “I wouldn’t know what to do if you’d said no. I love you too damned much to let you go, and, well, I’m already Dad’s favorite. He’d have to give you up.”
“Really?” Kane’s eyes glittered silver. “Just—God, I love you, but your idea of romance—”
“I’ll show you my idea of romance, just give me a chance,” Miki promised, then turned when Damie tugged on his shirt. “Wait here. I need you some place I can see you while I do this set, okay? Don’t fucking go anywhere.”
“Hey, I’m not,” his husband said, holding up his hand so Miki could see the gold band on his finger. “Didn’t I just make you that promise this afternoon? Not going anywhere, Mick. Promise.”
The stage wasn’t fancy, but it would do. If anything, the intimacy of the tiny venue was exactly what Miki needed, what he wanted as he turned toward the crowd, seeing faces he loved surrounded by friends he’d found over the years. Edie saluted him from her place at the bar, her martini glass loaded with olives, while Brigid, Donal, and Liam sat nearby, his fierce redheaded mother laughing at something one of his fathers must have said. Kane’d kept his promise, sharing a table with Quinn, Sionn, and Connor, their cousin Cassie dropping off a bottle of whiskey and four glasses in front of them before she disappeared into the crowd.
It was time to dance again, to scream into the relative darkness and hope someone screamed back. But this time, Miki knew the voices he would hear and couldn’t wait to see the light they’d bring with them.
His guitar hissed when he plugged it in, and the mike bounced the sound around the room a bit until he got settled. Taking a deep bre
ath, Miki gave Damie a quick hug, running his fingers down his strings before he pulled away, and laughing when D swore a black streak at him for the echoing thrum he’d caused. Turning to the audience, Miki leaned into the mike and spoke into the poignant silence the pub offered.
“Today’s the anniversary of the first gig Damie and I played together. It was a day that changed my life, and when I asked Kane to marry me, I wanted it to be today because, well, it’s like the best fucking day ever, and I wanted him to be a part of it too because he’s changed my life too.” Miki cleared his throat, unable to find Kane through the tears in his eyes. “See, I was in a living hell before I met Kane, and he found me, held my hand as he showed me the way out. And the best way I can thank him is to promise to love him for the rest of my life because, well, I was going to do that anyway.
“A while back, my brother Damie asked me why I’ve never written a love song about Kane. I told him I wasn’t ready to share Kane yet. See, I wanted Kane to myself, because I’d never had someone love me like he loves me.” He swallowed, blinking away the sting along his lashes, and Kane’s face rose out of the mist covering his eyes. His heart began to stumble, excited at the sight of his strong, fierce cop with an off-kilter smile and the large loving family he’d brought with him, and Miki forced himself to continue before he lost himself in Kane’s blue eyes. “But today, it’s time for me to share. This one’s for you, K. Because you’re going to be my forever.”
You found me in the shadows
And held me when I cried
If you hadn’t found me
Pretty sure I’d have died
See, I was already gone and buried
By the time you knocked on my door
Death and sorrow filled me up
And I just couldn’t take any more
I’d shed my very last tear
Holding the remains of my soul
Clinging to the bleak ’round me
Making sure it swallowed me whole
With the light you have inside you
A light burning bright and strong
You pushed back my darkness
Then dragged me right along
So throw back the gates of Hell
Pull me down the path I’d walked
Find me in the darkness
No matter if I balk
Sing me a song of redemption
Sing me a ballad of love and bliss
Remind me of the Heaven
I found in our first kiss
I can’t give you anything
Other than the love that you’ve taught
There’s nothing bright inside of me
Except for what you’ve wrought
Love me for an eternity
Love me for forever and beyond
I can promise you a Heaven
With the love for you I’ve found
So throw back the gates of Hell
Pull me down the path I’d walked
Find me in the darkness
No matter if I balk
Sing me a song of redemption
Sing me a ballad of love and bliss
Remind me of the Heaven
I found in our first kiss
—A Song for Kane
Author’s Note
I’VE BEEN asked more than a few times to include the lyrics written for the books in one place, so I’ve included all of them here because, well, we’re at the end. I’ve also been asked about the type of music Sinner’s Gin and Crossroads Gin plays. My answer to that is… whatever you need it to be. This band… these characters… are yours. How they sound should touch a part of you, so they play whatever touches you. Except perhaps polka. I don’t think that’ll work, but you know, I can always be proven wrong. My last wish for you, the reader, is that you walk away from this series knowing I am so grateful you’ve been here with me. It’s been a long tour, and while we’re striking down the last and final stage, I cherish every last one of you. So… thanks again.
See, I was already gone and buried
By the time you knocked on my door
Death and sorrow filled me up
And I just couldn’t take any more
I’d shed my very last tear
Holding the remains of my soul
Clinging to the bleak ’round me
Making sure it swallowed me whole
With the light you have inside you
A light burning bright and strong
You pushed back my darkness
Then dragged me right along
So throw back the gates of Hell
Pull me down the path I’d walked
Find me in the darkness
No matter if I balk
Sing me a song of redemption
Sing me a ballad of love and bliss
Remind me of the Heaven
I found in our first kiss
I can’t give you anything
Other than the love that you’ve taught
There’s nothing bright inside of me
Except for what you’ve wrought
Love me for an eternity
Love me for forever and beyond
I can promise you a Heaven
With the love for you I’ve found
So throw back the gates of Hell
Pull me down the path I’d walked
Find me in the darkness
No matter if I balk
Sing me a song of redemption
Sing me a ballad of love and bliss
Remind me of the Heaven
I found in our first kiss
—A Song for Kane
The poison inside of me kills what I touch,
So why should I love, when I know it’ll die?
—Arsenic Kiss
Brick covered in blood
Face painted with spit
Skin the wrong colour
Want cock, called unfit
So many ways to kill us
So many ways to make us less
When’s it all going to stop
That’s just anyone’s guess
Don’t pick up that stone
Just unclench your fist
Turn the other cheek
We’re all better than this
—Bathing in Hate
I’ve come a long way
Cried in the dark
There’s been times when I’ve screamed
Times when my soul’s barely a spark
You touched me then
Kissed my bleeding heart
Showed me the sunshine
Promised never to part
Wake up in the morning
You are still near
The world’s only beautiful
When you’re right here
—Beautiful Day
You cracked me open
Sucked out my filthy core
Held my heart in your hands
And gave in when I begged for more
—Begging Again
Hands on my skin, their filth working in.
I can’t feel anything but pain.
Why won’t this ever end?
Too hard to breathe.
Too worn to care.
Pushing sharp knives in my soul.
Bleeding inside, still too tired to cry.
—Bleeding Inside
Took a blind man to tell me I was something to see.
Took a man crossing his heart
to tell me where to begin.
And the kiss in the rain you last gave to me,
Was the holy water I needed to erase all my sin.
—Blind Man Crossing
Drowning in tears,
Soaked too long in my salt.
This is what I am.
This is I should be.
Something that never ends.
But I want to be more than me
—Blue Notebook 3/8
Devil by my side, a devil I know
Riding the Crossroads, heading to the next show
Hearing my name
on the crowd, never thought I’d be back
House lights going down, time to dance in the black
—Breathing Again
I hate you for teaching me how to fly
And then you burnt my wings
There’s nothing left of me
But wax, feathers and grief
I can’t put myself together
And I can’t see the fucking sky
—Burning Sky
World’s gone too dark, too dark for me to see
I turn and reach out but there’s no one there for me
Every time I hear a heart break, I die a bit inside
I cry for every child, I cry for every bride
Atlas carries the world on his shoulders,
Jesus hangs for our sins on a tree
White doves for peace are in the air
But something whispers we’ll never be free
Light a candle for the darkness
Light a candle for our sin
Hug your nearest neighbour
Don’t forget to let love in
—Candles Burning
Cherry pop lipstick
Black leather jacket dreams
Seeing my baby next Sunday
Good times, know what I mean?
She better stop her cheating
Better put that man to the side
Shotgun loaded, double barrels
Bastard better run and hide
—Cheating Woman, Cold Heart
Juniper wine and long shots of gin
That’s where this damned hell all begins
Blood on a mirror, taint of a sin
He’ll break my heart
And get under my skin
Can’t help myself.
Butterfly on a pin.
Lord help stop this damned madness
’Cause he’s done pulled me in.
—Crazed and Moonshined
