by Rhonda Bowen
And then she was alone with Adam—or as alone as she could be in a yard full of people. She had only been walking with him for a minute but he had already been stopped by three people who had come by to greet him. Once word had got out that he was leaving, everybody wanted to say their good-byes.
He must have realized that any kind of conversation would be impossible where they were as he led her off the court, across the grass, and toward the sidewalk of the road that marked the end of the Jacob’s House property. Toni could still hear the music as they walked, but it seemed to be more of a lull in the background.
“So, I know it’s been more than two weeks,” he began when they were a good distance away. “But I just wanted to apologize for what happened at the hospital.”
Toni glanced at him. He had his hands shoved deep in his pockets and was staring at the ground as he spoke.
“I know you were only telling me how you felt and I shouldn’t have gone off on you like that,” he continued. “I really value our friendship and I don’t want to leave with us fighting like this.” He gave a nervous laugh. “I’m actually surprised that you even showed up today.”
Toni was ready to tell him that she just came for the boys, but something inside stopped her. “I actually wasn’t going to come,” she said. “I still don’t fully get why you’re doing this. But it’s your life, and I respect that this is something you feel you need to do.”
He nodded. “It is.”
She sighed. “Can you tell me why?”
His jaw tightened and she reached out a hand to touch his arm. “I don’t want to fight, Adam, I just want to understand,” she said softly. He glanced at her, and she saw him relax.
“Baltimore is my home, Toni,” Adam said after a moment. “I feel a responsibility to the community there. I feel a responsibility to the people there who got hurt because of me, and to those who helped me even though I hurt them. I feel a responsibility toward their kids, their nieces, their nephews, their neighbors.
“I look at Jerome and Rasheed and the boys here, and I see Benji’s son and my cousins’ kids, and my mother’s neighbor. And I worry about them, because it’s so easy for them to go the wrong way. And if they do mess up, what options are there for them?”
His jaw had tightened again, and Toni could see the frustration coursing over him in waves. She took his hand and squeezed it gently and he seemed to come down a little.
“I know a place like this can do amazing things for the youth in that area,” he continued. “And I know how to make it work. Not just theoretically, Toni; I know how to make it work practically.”
Adam shook his head. “How can I have the information, the opportunity, the spiritual desire to do it and not act on it?”
Toni let his question hang between them as they continued walking, her hand still in his. She was still learning things and one thing she had learned in the past couple months was that it was okay to not say anything sometimes—even when you felt like you were right. And so she was content to let the silence hang between them. Adam didn’t seem to mind either.
A cool evening breeze met them as they walked the path down to the end of the road. Toni smiled as she remembered this was the same road where she and Adam had caught Rasheed and his girlfriend making out. Moments like these made her feel like Adam had been in her life forever, instead of less than a year. She wondered what she had done with all her time before she met him and the boys at Jacob’s House. It seemed now that they were a regular part of her routine.
“I’ve been thinking about how to be a good friend,” Toni said after a few minutes. “I tend to ... distance people when they do things that I don’t agree with.” Toni smiled. “Not a great way to maintain friendships, I know.”
Adam smiled but said nothing.
“Anyway, the new Toni is trying not to do that anymore,” she said with resolve. “I am going to miss you though—no one else can pick a fight with me like you do.”
His whole face relaxed and his eyes took on golden highlights as he laughed.
“But whether you’re here or in Baltimore, you can count on our friendship,” she said.
He grinned. “Does that mean I can call on you to help fix a roof in Baltimore, friend?” he asked.
“The friendship is free, the roofing services aren’t,” Toni said. “A sister’s time is expensive.”
They both laughed again, and Toni felt like whatever tension had been left between them had disappeared.
“So we’re good?” he asked.
Toni smiled. “Yeah. We’re good.”
He pulled Toni toward him into a warm embrace. His fresh scent surrounded her like a mist. She felt her heart speed up a little.
Darn.
She had hoped those feelings would have been gone.
His arms stayed wrapped around her and she didn’t pull away. She knew that they couldn’t stay that way forever, but she wanted to remember this moment. It might be the last one she had with him.
He finally let her go, but his hands caressed her arms and shoulders as he searched her eyes. “If I was here ... it would be different, wouldn’t it?” he said in a low voice.
Toni nodded and smiled sadly.
“I wish I had met you sooner,” he said. His eyes bore into hers, adding a lot of things that his lips would never say because he was leaving and therefore had no right to. But Toni understood them anyway.
She shrugged. “I guess we just had bad timing.”
He ran a hand across her cheek. “I never wanted to be another one to leave you.”
Toni shook her head. “You’re not. I’m not losing you. You’re just moving. Besides, both of us have things we need to work through before we can think of being with someone else,” she added.
He nodded. He looked at her a long time, and Toni knew that he was memorizing her face, because she was doing it too.
“You ready to head back?” he asked after a moment, his fingers still intertwined with hers.
She nodded and turned toward the direction of the party. And then, before she could take one step, he pulled her to him quickly and crushed his lips against hers. His hands slipped to the back of her neck and she felt the air leave her body as she took in his intensity. But before Toni could get invested in the kiss, he pulled away.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his forehead pressed against hers. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“You’re right. You shouldn’t have.”
But she tipped up and kissed him back gently. And then he wrapped his arms around her again, and she buried her face in his chest. It was good-bye.
But it was okay. She was learning to live with good-byes. She was learning they weren’t the end.
Chapter 38
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Trey asked from the driver’s seat.
Toni looked out the window at the house where her life had both begun and ended. She shook her head. “No, I’m not ready,” she said after a long moment. “But I’m tired of waiting.”
She opened the car door and stepped out onto the sidewalk, taking in everything before her. It wasn’t exactly the same as it had been ten years ago. For one, someone had gone ahead and erected a low white fence around the perimeter of the property. Her mother had never liked fences—even when the neighborhood dogs would come and leave their gifts on her front lawn. She said it made her home feel like a prison. She had been satisfied with the large uncut stones that used to line the front, separating the front yard from the sidewalk. Apparently those that came after her hadn’t had her level of tolerance.
The walkway to the front steps also looked like it had had some help from the previous owners. And there also looked to be a new roof and gutters. But other than that, it more or less looked exactly how she remembered it, down to the light blue paint on the outside walls.
Toni stood in front of the gate feeling stuck. She was stuck, and had been for a long time. She had been standing at the threshold of her life, unable to go back but
too paralyzed to move forward. She heard Trey get out of the car behind her. He would stay with her, but he wouldn’t force her to do anything. This had to be on her. She had to do it on her own or not at all.
A cool September morning breeze moved up the quiet street, rustling the trees in the front yard and moving the light wooden gate slightly open. It swung lazily on its hinges as if to ask what the big deal was. Sometimes Toni asked herself that same question.
Shoving her hands into the pocket of her jacket, she made the short trek up the walkway to the house. The porch steps creaked as she took the first step. They were pretty old. In fact the whole house was old. It was the first home her parents had lived in after they got married, and even then it hadn’t been new. But it had stood the test thus far.
The faded red front door gave easily. Toni stepped inside and memories assaulted her. It had been more than ten years since she had been back here. There was no furniture now, but she knew exactly where everything should have been, from the overstuffed beige sofa, to the tiny end table beside the television where her mother used to stash magazines. She walked through the living room space, touching the walls, remembering everything exactly as it had once been.
She had been afraid to be here. This was where her parents had died. She had thought that all she would see were the images from her dreams—them lying dead on the floor. Dead. The stain of blood on everything they had touched in those last terrible moments vivid. But what she saw were the things that she had almost forgotten. The four of them watching television on the couch on Saturday nights; her father asleep with the paper in the large armchair; her mother trying to get Toni to stand still as she measured her for the next sewing project; she and Trey staying up late to watch movies while their parents were asleep. Good things had happened in this house. So many things worth remembering, but her pain had stolen those memories from her.
“Remember when we used to fight over the television remote in here?” Trey asked from the doorway.
Toni laughed. “Yeah. You used to hide it in the morning before you went to school so you could have it in the evening when you got home after me.”
Trey chuckled. “Yeah, but no matter where I hid it, you always found it.”
Toni smiled and shook her head. She walked over to the window, pushing it open so she could lean out. “The first time you took the car out on your own, I remember Daddy standing here,” she said. She laughed as she remembered how her father had paced the ground all evening until Trey came back.
“He didn’t sit down once, just watched that road until he saw the VW Jetta turn the corner.”
Trey laughed. “Really? I never knew that.” He shook his head. “But now that you mention it, that does sound like Dad.”
Trey suddenly slapped a hand to his jaw. “You remember the first time I got into an accident?”
“How could I forget?” Toni asked, her eyes widening. “I thought Mom was gonna have a heart attack. She was freaking out, thinking you were hurt.”
Trey snorted. “I was freaking out too. I thought Dad was gonna kill me.”
“I thought so too,” Toni said with a nod. “For sure, I thought you would never get behind a steering wheel for the rest of your life.”
“But he was so cool about it,” Trey said. “I think that made me feel worse. But I remember thinking”—Trey paused—“how cool he was for caring about me more than the car. He was amazing.”
Toni nodded. “They both were.”
She walked across the living room, her footsteps echoing softly through the empty space. Somehow being there was filling the emptiness in her heart. Instead of hurting her, the memories that kept washing over her like the ocean were healing.
The sun streamed through the empty kitchen like it had many mornings in Toni’s childhood. She let her hand slide down the wall as she tried to remember all the images of her mother in this room. Her fingers hit a snag on the wall and she gasped when her eyes caught what it was.
“Trey, get in here,” she called, now running both her hands over the jagged surface.
“What is it?” Trey asked from behind her.
“Look,” Toni breathed. “It’s still here.”
Trey whistled. “I can’t believe it. I thought someone would have painted over that or sanded it down for sure.”
But there on the kitchen door frame were the marks where their mother had measured them when they were kids. They were worn and faded in some places, but they were still distinguishable in the aging wood.
Toni ran her fingers over the etchings and realized that she didn’t want to let it go. “You have to buy this house,” she said.
Trey looked at her as if she had sprouted another head. “What?” he echoed.
“You have to buy this house.”
Trey folded his arms. “I thought you never wanted to see this place again. I thought you wanted to burn it to the ground.”
Toni sighed and pulled herself up onto the kitchen counter. “I thought so too,” she said, biting her lip. “I thought that when I came here all I would see were images of what happened to Mom and Dad.”
“And what happened to you,” Trey added.
Toni nodded. “Yes. That too. But it hasn’t been like that,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s strange. I’m remembering a lot of the good memories too. And even the bad ones.” She shrugged. “They still hurt, but I feel like I can handle them.”
She turned to her brother. “I am afraid that if we lose this house again we will lose those memories. I don’t want to forget them anymore, Trey.”
He nodded. “Yeah. I know what you mean. He stuck his hands in his pockets. “I know it’s just a house. But I feel like a lot of who we are and who they raised us to be is still here. I just felt like, if I could raise my kids here, I could raise them as well as Mom and Dad raised us. You know?” Trey shrugged. “I’m hoping.”
Toni nodded and slipped off the counter. “I know.” She put her arms around her brother. He returned the embrace.
“So this is okay with you?” he asked. “I just want to be sure.”
Toni nodded and headed toward the front door. “It’s okay with me.”
She had her hand on the front door before Trey realized what she was doing. “You’re ready already?” he asked. “You haven’t even checked out the upstairs.”
Toni gave a small smile as she opened the front door. “Baby steps, Trey. Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
He nodded and followed her out, understanding.
Things had gone better than she had expected. She wasn’t about to push it. There would be many more days in this house ahead.
And that thought made Toni smile.
Chapter 39
“Get dressed. We’re going out.”
Toni put down the book she was reading to give Camille her full attention. “When? Now?” she asked, adjusting the phone against her ear.
“Yes now,” Camille said. “Forever Jones is performing tonight at C-Room. And I’ve actually convinced Afrika that she won’t die of boredom from gospel music, so get your butt in something cute and meet us there.”
Toni sighed. “Thanks for the offer but I really don’t feel like going out.”
“I noticed,” Camille deadpanned. “In fact for the past three weeks, all you’ve been doing is moping around that apartment like you’ve lost your best friend.”
Some days it felt like she had.
“I have not been moping.”
“Really?” Camille said. “When was the last time you went out?”
“I was at church today.” That sounded lame even to her and she could see her friend rolling her eyes.
“That doesn’t count and you know it. Get dressed.”
“Camille—”
“This is not optional, Toni,” Camille said. “Get dressed, get on your bike, and meet us at the doors in forty-five minutes. The show starts at exactly eight, so you better not be late.”
“Camille. Camille?”
; The beeping on the other end let Toni know she was talking to herself. She sighed, hung up the phone, and pulled herself off the couch. Normally she would have jumped at a chance to see the new band, Forever Jones. She hadn’t actually seen them live since they came on the music scene. But she wasn’t really in the mood for people. Especially since the one person who she wanted to see most was so far away.
But since that was unlikely to change anytime soon, she might as well pull herself out of her funk and pretend to have a life.
She headed to her closet and looked around. Her choice of clothing certainly had changed over the past year. She glanced at her mini dresses and skinnies, which hadn’t been touched for a while, and moved past them again, opting for a pair of gray boot-cut pants. She added a cute white top, a broad red animal print belt, and matching heels to the mix. A few touch-ups to her face and hair and she stood in front of the mirror satisfied with what she saw. Not bad for someone who wasn’t really trying.
She glanced longingly at the unfinished novel on her sofa before grabbing her red leather jacket and heading out the door.
If nothing else, she was proud of herself for being on schedule. When she finally got on the 1-75 south heading toward Forest Park, she had just enough time to make it to the venue before Camille started calling again. However that hope faded when she saw a cop flash his lights and step out into the road ahead of her.
She did a quick mental check.
Speed limit? Check.
Helmet? Check.
Lights?
Oh no.
Toni pulled her motorcycle onto the shoulder and came to a stop. “Good evening, officer,” Toni began. “I know my lights were off but honestly I just—”
Toni’s voice trailed off as she took off her helmet and came face to face with the officer. He shook his head and Toni’s heart fell into her stomach.
“So we meet again, Miss Shields,” Officer Powell said.
Toni sighed. She should have stayed home.
“License and registration please.”
Toni produced the documents and sat back on her motorcycle as she waited for Officer Powell to come back with her ticket. So much for being on time.
