“Because I…I love someone else now.” That was the first time Rebecca had uttered those words aloud. “I love Seth so much and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t love me. So, yes, I feel guilty. I used to yearn for Jesse. Now…I yearn for Seth. Now, I wish that Seth loved me back.”
“Well, of course you do,” her mother said quietly. “And that’s okay. I promise.”
Drying her cheeks, Rebecca nodded, hearing nothing but conviction in her mother’s words. “I guess I needed to hear that.”
“Then I’m glad I said it.” Allison pulled her into her arms for a tight hug. When they separated, she said, “Let the guilt go. There isn’t any place for it here.”
“You’re right.” Her daughter kicked, as if in agreement. “I know you’re right.”
One perfectly plucked eyebrow arched. “I’m always right, darling. Which is why you should believe me when I tell you that you don’t have to wish for Seth’s love. Unless I’m greatly mistaken, that man is besotted with you.”
“Now, you’re wrong.” Even as Rebecca said the words, hope flickered in her chest, warm and liquid and terrifying. “You have to be wrong. He doesn’t behave as if he loves me. Not lately, anyway. And he hasn’t once said he loves me. So why are you so sure he does?”
“I believe the question you should be asking, Rebecca, is what if I’m right? Are you going to let him leave in two days without knowing for sure?”
“He’ll be back to see his daughter,” Rebecca said stubbornly, far too afraid to put her heart on the line. “There will be plenty of opportunity for us to…talk.”
“You’re absolutely correct, dear.” Allison picked up the afghan and shook it out. “I shouldn’t push, and I know how you like to consider every angle. Take all the time you need.”
Uh-oh. This was a mother-knows-best moment if Rebecca ever heard one. Bracing herself for the rest, she said, “Go on. Say it all.”
“Take all the time you need,” her mother repeated, refolding the blanket. “Why not, when love is as easy to find as a misplaced penny? And you’re a lovely woman, Seth is a striking man. If you don’t end up with each other, I’m sure you’ll both find someone else.” She cast an indulgent smile toward Rebecca. “Someday.”
Chapter Twelve
“Failure is not an option,” Seth chanted quietly as he paced the kitchen. “Upsetting her is not an option. Hurting her is not an option. Whatever she says, goes.”
Pivoting on his heel, he looked over the picnic basket, fresh flowers and folded red-and-white checkered tablecloth. Everything was ready. Every item on his and Rebecca’s to-do lists was checked off. The pantry was stocked, the childproofing done, the nursery in perfect order.
So what in the hell was he waiting for?
Every day for the past three, his intent had been to have this conversation with Rebecca. Every day for the past three, that hadn’t happened. And now, dammit, he’d put it off until the last possible minute, and he was still standing in the kitchen procrastinating.
“Not cool,” he muttered.
And it wasn’t. Not when Seth should be driving out of Portland well before nightfall. He’d return by next weekend, sooner if he could work something out with his commander, but if he left without talking to Rebecca he’d regret it for the rest of his life.
His heart pounded erratically and his gut felt a lot like undercooked oatmeal—thick and grainy—and his head, well that hurt as if someone had smashed him with a sledgehammer. None of which mattered. All that mattered was getting this right.
Dragging in a mouthful of air, Seth gathered the supplies he’d so painstakingly arranged and walked out of the kitchen, only to come to a screeching halt at the base of the stairs. This emotional overload garbage was becoming…annoying.
Why this troubled him so much, he didn’t know. He was, after all, an officer in the United States Air Force, and had worked damn hard toward fulfilling his goals there. He piloted planes and had successfully completed many a mission. Hell, he’d worn the sparkly-unicorn-girly shirt—in public—for the sole benefit of seeing Rebecca smile. And he ran three blocks carrying Rebecca in his arms, while she was in labor, and hadn’t stumbled once. Not once.
So if he could do all that, he could absolutely do this. He would do this. Soon. Very soon, even. In five minutes, he figured. Surely in no more than ten.
After his knees ceased with their incessant wobbling, his palms stopped sweating and his heart climbed from his stomach back to his chest where it friggin’ belonged, he’d be good to go.
Probably.
Fifteen minutes later, Seth hesitated outside of Rebecca’s door, drew in a deep breath and mentally repeated his mantra. He could—would—do this. Right now. Firming his shoulders, he forced his gelatin-weak legs to move and entered the room. Instantly, his breath locked in his lungs and the heavy weight of emotion stung his eyes.
God, she was gorgeous. And she was…asleep?
Eyes closed and knees slightly bent, she wore a pair of comfortable-looking, pale khaki capri pants and a soft, buttery-yellow short-sleeve shirt. One hand rested on her now truly enormous stomach, the other loosely held the baby-name book against the bed’s comforter. Someone, Seth noted, had painted her toenails a pearly pink.
Yup, gorgeous in every way.
As silently as possible, he crept forward and deposited his armful of supplies in the chair. Slicking his palms down the front of his jeans, Seth watched Rebecca and tried to decide how to proceed. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea. Perhaps he should wait for this conversation until he was able to return. Except…as much as he feared what might happen, he couldn’t wait.
He couldn’t leave without at least trying.
“I’m awake,” Rebecca said quietly, opening her eyes. “You don’t have to tiptoe around me. I was just…thinking.”
Action, his brain shouted. Retreat, his heart pleaded.
“Good,” he said in his matter-of-fact voice. “I thought we’d share a meal together before Jocelyn arrives.” With some flair, he grabbed the white-and-red checkered tablecloth and flipped it open. “You’ll need to sit up a little more, darlin’.”
With a wary-eyed glance, she did. He spread the tablecloth along the middle of the bed, retrieved the flowers and picnic basket, and crawled into place across from her.
“We’re having a picnic?” she asked. “In…bed?”
He gave a stiff nod and went about setting the scene he’d pictured in his mind. His motions quick and efficient, Seth set the fresh-picked bouquet of flowers, hand-tied with a ribbon he’d found in Rebecca’s hall closet, in the center of the tablecloth. Extracting the two already-filled containers from the picnic basket, he passed one to Rebecca and placed his in front of him. Silverware, napkins, and two bottles of lemonade followed.
“This is nice, Seth,” Rebecca said as she opened her container. “I… You didn’t have to do this, though. I know you want to stop by and see your folks.”
“I wanted to do this,” he said gruffly. “And I have plenty of time.”
“Well, then let’s dig in,” she said, her gaze not meeting his. “Pasta salad, yum.”
“Your mom made it,” Seth admitted, working his mind around to how he was going to start saying everything he had to say. “And my mom baked the cookies. But…ah…I cut up the fruit. And…well, put all of this together.”
“The flowers are pretty. Are those from out front?”
“Uh-huh.” Why did his tongue feel as sticky as Elmer’s glue?
They ate in silence for a few minutes, the whole while Seth’s stomach churned and twisted and a weight as heavy as any anchor came to rest on his shoulders. For the first time in his adult life, he wished he wasn’t in the Air Force. For the first time, he wished he worked as an insurance agent, or in real estate…or hell, at the McDonald’s up the road.
“I know. I’ve been thinking we might need to see her face in order to name her.”
“I thought of that.” With a sigh, she closed her container and leaned back against her pillows. “I’m sorry. You’ve gone to all this trouble and I don’t really have an appetite.”
“Wasn’t any trouble.” Seth pushed his fork around in his pasta, not feeling much of an appetite himself. Clearing his throat, he said, “Jace mentioned something about a partnership at your firm. I’ve been meaning to ask, but the past couple days slipped by without me noticing.”
She blinked once, twice and her hand came to her mouth. “Oh, I never told you about that, did I? Dang it, Seth…I swear that wasn’t on purpose. It isn’t anything definite. Just a possibility the partners want to discuss after my maternity leave. And…I guess when we were together, I had other things on my mind.”
“We’ve had a lot going on, Becca.” Some of his frustration dissipated at the truth he heard in her voice. “That’s great news. Being made a partner is a big deal, so you should be proud. Real proud.”
Shifting slightly, Rebecca twisted the lemonade bottle’s cap on and off. “It isn’t definite,” she repeated. “But of course I’m pleased. It’s nice to know they’re aware of how hard I’ve worked and that they view me as an asset.”
And that right there, Seth figured, crossed off one of the options he’d planned on presenting. Why would she choose to relocate her entire life to Tacoma with a potential partnership looming in her future? Disappointment settled, swift and sour, but he set it aside. Hadn’t he already known that option was pretty much out of the running? Yeah, he had.
Time to move on.
Be clear. Be concise. “Rebecca, there are issues I believe should be discussed before our daughter is born. Her birth will alter our relationship, perhaps cloud our judgments, which might then lead to poor decisions. I think,” he said crisply, “the best method to avoid such a scenario is to go over our available choices now, while our emotions remain uncluttered.”
With a mental pat on his shoulder for starting off so well, Seth beamed. That hadn’t been nearly as difficult as he’d expected. The rest should be a piece of cake now.
Rebecca’s hand halted. Her blue-green eyes darkened to a murky, stormy shade. “You put this picnic together to discuss our issues while our emotions remain uncluttered, before our judgments cloud, so we will be less prone to forming poor decisions? Do I have this right?”
“Yes.” Pleased he’d related his thoughts clear enough that he didn’t have to waste time explaining himself, he pushed forward to the next item on his agenda, which he’d arranged in his head like the many to-do lists he’d recently completed. “If you have no objections, I’d like to start with Jesse. Particularly, are you still in love with him?”
Rebecca gave Seth an inscrutable look. “I will always love Jesse, but I am no longer in love with him. I haven’t been for quite some time.” Her eyes sharpened and then narrowed. “Does this issue require further discussion?”
“No.” Fierce relief blocked everything else out. Rebecca’s heart didn’t belong to a ghost. That was good news. “Unless you would like to elaborate,” he offered.
“I don’t think so.” She angled her arms over her stomach. “Is there more?”
“Yes.” Seth crunched his hands into fists to fight against the compulsion to touch her, hold her. Kiss her. Declare his undying love for her. That had to wait until he got this next part out. “I understand how your experiences with Jesse have…colored your view on being with someone who is in the military. So I have two options to present to you.”
“Only two?” she asked with a strange, hollow quality echoing in her voice.
“Two,” he said firmly, reminding himself that the third option was no longer on the table. “And I will accept whichever option you choose, Rebecca. Without question or discussion.”
“I wish I could express how grateful I am that you’ve worked all of this out on your own, and all I have to trouble myself with is selecting an option.” Rebecca spoke in a soft and sweet manner, but also with a slight nuance of…sarcasm? Nah. Couldn’t be. “Why, this is almost like a multiple choice quiz, isn’t it?”
Seth swiped his jaw, feeling the first prickle of uncertainty. “Maybe I should back up some and start again.”
“Oh, no. I’m ready to hear my options.”
Well, okay then. “Option number one is I accept your prior decision, I remain in the Air Force and I visit Portland whenever I can to create a relationship with my child. I will help out financially and in any other way possible. My family is here, so they will be able to offer the day-in, day-out support you might need.”
Rebecca laced her fingers together and her eyes narrowed another fraction. “You’ve obviously given option one a lot of thought, and I do adore your family.” A slight pause, then, “Now, I find I’m curious about option two.”
Something wasn’t right. Seth knew it, but he’d gone too far to retreat now.
“Option number two is I leave the Air Force when my ten-year commitment expires, which is in September of this year. I…ah…have neglected to mention this fact to you previously, for which I apologize.” He sucked in a breath, and for some unknown reason, changed what he’d planned on saying. “I’ll find a place to live close by, so I can be here for the day-in and day-out.”
One eyebrow raised. “You can leave the Air Force in September?”
Seth nodded but kept his mouth securely shut. Why had he removed marriage from option number two? Because his stomach, head and every bone in his body hurt. Because…he was afraid. It wasn’t too late. If she went that route, he’d simply slip the idea back in.
“If you stay in the Air Force, does that mean another ten years?” she asked.
“I have two choices if I stay,” he said slowly, unsure of the current direction of this conversation. “Assuming I am able to continue to effectively and properly complete my duties, I can stay on for as little or as long as I like. Or I can accept the pilot’s bonus, which would require an additional five-year commitment.”
“Hmm.” Rebecca huffed out a short breath while blinking rapidly. “But my options are to allow you to remain in the Air Force but you’ll visit whenever you can, or choose for you to leave the Air Force in order to move somewhere close by?”
“Correct.” Pressure thrummed through Seth’s muscles and his heart knocked against his chest so damn hard, he thought it might explode. “Do you have any other questions or…?”
If she gave him the merest hint of wanting more, he’d offer her the world. But he required something from her, some sign proving he wasn’t alone in his feelings…that she also wanted the future he saw so vividly. In a moment of pure clarity, the invisible wall became visible. No wonder he hadn’t been able to settle his mind on a decision.
He wanted the real thing: commitment based on love, on the knowledge that no other person would fit quite as well as the one you were with. He wanted what his parents and brothers had. And he wanted all of this with Rebecca, but only…only if she wanted the same. Without thought, he pushed his fingers in the front pocket of his jeans. Rebecca’s ring was there, still waiting for the right moment. And yeah, he’d sell his soul for this to be that moment.
“No, Seth,” Rebecca said, her tone flat and emotionless. “I don’t believe I have any other questions. I…fully understand both of my options.”
“Alrighty, then.” A rock, hard and unyielding, appeared in his throat. “If you’d like to think on it some, we can—”
“I choose option number one,” Rebecca broke in, her voice icy. “And as you promised zero discussion or questions, I believe we are done.”
Her words, her tone, the tilt of her chin and the look in her eyes
crushed every last bit of hope clean away. Unwilling to leave—how could he leave?—he started gathering the remnants of their dinner. “Of course,” he said. “I’ll just get all of this out of your way.”
“Just leave, Seth. Go see your family…be safe driving to Tacoma.” Averting her gaze, Rebecca let out a shaky-sounding breath. “But leave. Now, please.”
“I’m not leaving until Jocelyn arrives.”
“You can wait for her downstairs.”
Not seeing any way around it, Seth rose to his feet. Never had he wanted to stay in one place so much in his entire life. Never had he felt so sick…so broken and bruised and beaten inside. He made it as far as the door before turning around. Rebecca sat with her spine straight and her hands glued to her belly. She stared out the window, so he couldn’t see her eyes.
He really, really wished he could see her eyes.
A car door slammed from the street, easily heard through the open window. “My sister is here,” Rebecca said without looking in his direction. “Now you don’t even have to wait.”
“You’ll let me know when you go into labor, won’t you?” He swallowed and felt his pulse jump in his neck. “If I can get here, I will.”
“Uh-huh. Of course I will.” A quick intake of breath. “Goodbye, Seth.”
Arguments crowded his mouth, so many he nearly choked on the need to spill them all. But dammit, if nothing else, Seth was an honorable man. He told her right from the start he’d accept her decision, and that meant…hell. That meant it was time to leave.
“Goodbye, Rebecca,” he said softly, every word a sharp stab to his heart. “I have simulations this weekend, but I’ll see you next weekend. If not sooner.”
Her only response was a flutter of her fingers as she waved farewell.
* * *
The tears began an entire millisecond before Seth exited her bedroom. Alone now, Rebecca allowed them to roll silently down her cheeks as she stared steadfastly out the window. From here, she could just see the trunk of Seth’s car. From here, she’d know the second he backed out of her driveway and drove off.
An Officer, a Baby and a Bride Page 18
