by Janet Tanner
She looked up to see Richard’s eyes on her and wondered unexpectedly whatever had happened to the all consuming passion she had once felt for him. Perhaps, if it had still burned as brightly, she could have turned her back on the new and glittering world. But she had exchanged one passion for another now – an old passion with its roots in her past, in her very being …
‘It wouldn’t work, Richard,’ she said softly. ‘I’m sorry for what I did to you. But you have Alys now. You’ll make one another happy whilst we – well, we’d just end up tearing one another apart.’
She thought, though she could not be certain, that she saw a glimmer of relief.
‘And Margaret?’ he said.
Suddenly it was all too much.
‘I don’t know,’ she said and the tears were throbbing inside her, the need to decide tearing her apart. ‘ I love her so, Richard.’
‘So do I,’ he said quietly. ‘I know you think I’m doing this for selfish reasons and perhaps I am. But because I love Margaret I also want the best for her. If I honestly thought she would be better off with you I’d let her go. But I don’t. I think she should be here in a proper home environment and I think in your heart of hearts you must realize that too. I know you love her, Tara. But because you love her you must do what is best for her. You must let her stay here.’
She crossed to the veranda steps looking towards the paddock. At its edge Alys stood with Margaret in her arms stroking the nose of one of the ponies. As she watched Margaret stretched out a small hand to do the same and when the pony moved in to nuzzle her she did not pull away.
Tara watched them and the tears slowly blurred her vision. Richard was right. She knew already in her heart what she had to do – but oh, the pain of admitting it! She loved Margaret and because she loved her she had to let her go, to grow up in this world of grace and plenty that was her birthright, with the people she had learned to love and trust. In the end only one thing really mattered – Margaret’s happiness and well-being. For the rest …
I’ve survived before and I’ll survive again, Tara told herself.
She raised her chin but did not turn around. She did not want him to see her tears.
‘If I was to leave her with you, you would let me see her when I wanted to, wouldn’t you?’
‘Of course.’ She heard the eagerness and hope in his voice and dug her nails into her palms to keep from trembling.
‘Maybe even let her come and stay with me sometimes – when she’s older?’
‘Yes.’ He was behind her now, cupping her elbows with her hands. ‘I know it’s the right thing, Tara.’
She stood rigid. ‘Just one thing. Please don’t let her grow up thinking her mother didn’t want her, will you? Please tell her I did it because I love her so.’
His voice was a little thick, a little unsteady. ‘Of course I will.’
She leaned her head back against his shoulder for the last time and a tear crept out of the corner of her eye and trickled down to the corner of her mouth.
‘That’s it then I guess. I’ll go out and say goodbye to her.’
‘You don’t have to go yet,’ he said. ‘Stay a while longer. Stay overnight if you want to.’ She swallowed the tears, pulled away and set her lips in a tight
little smile. ‘If I don’t go right this minute I might change my mind.’ The sun was bright and warm on the baked earth of the farmyard.
Alys had set Margaret down and Tara fell on her knees beside her.
‘Mammy is going now.’
Margaret gazed back at her solemnly.
‘Next time I come to see you you will be riding that pony I
shouldn’t wonder.’
‘She will indeed,’ Richard said.
Tara could not tear her eyes away from the child’s face.
‘Shall I let you into a little secret, Margaret? Your mammy is
scared to death of horses. But you won’t be, will you? You’ll learn
to love them and ride like the wind …’
She pulled her close, feeling the firm little body against hers, the
soft dark hair silk-like against her cheek. The smell of her, the feel
of her pervaded all her senses and drew a deep maternal urge she
had not known she possessed from her very soul so that she longed
to hold her, run with her, never let her go …
The tears threatened again and she set Margaret away from her.
Of all things the child must not see her cry.
‘Bye, my little love. Be good.’
She stood up, feeling her heart was being torn from her body,
and looked one last time at the small pert features, imprinting them
indelibly in her mind. As if she could forget! As if she could ever
forget …
‘Goodbye, Richard, Goodbye, Alys. Look after her for me.’
‘I will, Tara, I promise.’ Alys too looked close to tears.
Tara nodded. There were no words left in her.
Abruptly she turned and walked away across the yard.
FINALE
She sat alone in the corner of the railway carriage watching the Victorian countryside speeding past the window and saw nothing but a blur of green.
The night, spent alone in a hotel room, had been a long one, a night of soul searching and heartache. Yet this morning she had woken and drawn the curtains as if to a whole new life.
Her decision had been made – there was no going back. And in the darkness she had ached for one person only – Dev, who understood her, who had always known her better than she knew herself; Dev whose touch could set her on fire as Richard’s never had for all that she had loved him.
Soul mates. That was what she and Dev were – yet it had taken her so long to realize it.
She curled back in the corner of the carriage, half-closing her eyes and imagining his face, the dark swarthy face she had loved to hate and now knew she loved, his careless strength, the sound of his laugh, sometimes mocking, sometimes uninhibited, tearing out from the depths of him. And the way he kissed her and held her, making her forget everything with the power of his loving …
Oh Dev, I’ll never leave you again, she thought. I’m coming back to you because we are wonderful together in every way. And perhaps the best bit of all is that I don’t have to pretend with you. I can be what I am and know you love me for it.
Victoria became New South Wales, the ground rockier and vegetation more sparse. And then just when it seemed the journey would last forever they were drawing into Sydney railway station, into the great glass smoke-blackened dome and she was breathing the air of home.
She took a cab from the station to Dev’s apartment.
Hurry – hurry! she wanted to shout to the driver. Hurry! She could not wait now to see him, tell him the way she felt. It was as if a load had been lifted from her shoulders. She had discarded the old life like a snake shedding its skin. Now, at last, she was totally ready to begin the new one.
The cab drew up outside the apartment building. She paid off the driver and ran in, her overnight bag bumping against her side. Dev’s apartment could soon be her apartment too. They would live together. Maybe when she and Richard were divorced they might even marry. Mrs Sean Devlin. It had a good ring to it. She wondered why she had taken so long to realize how much she liked it.
The lift ground to a halt. She slid back the gates and rushed along the corridor. Dev’s door was ajar. Ajar? Why?
‘Dev!’ she called. She pushed it open and stopped. Three suitcases stood in the middle of the room. On top of them was Dev’s overcoat. Her heart leaped into her mouth.
‘Dev!’ she called again.
He came out of the bathroom fastening his gold cuff links.
‘Well, Tara!’
She ran to him. ‘Oh Dev, I’ve come back. But what are the suitcases for? Where are you going?’
He put her away with a cool casual movement.
‘England.’
‘Duke wants to expand. I’m going to London to set up a British branch of the business.’
‘But Dev – you can’t go to England! What about me?’
‘What about you?’
‘I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to divorce Richard and let him and Alys bring up Margaret. I think it’s the best thing for her.’
‘The best thing for you I expect you mean. What happened to make you realize you didn’t want a child as a millstone round your neck?’
‘What a terrible thing to say!’
‘Is it? I think it’s probably near the truth. When did you ever think of anyone but yourself, Tara?’
‘Dev!’ She pressed her hands to her ears. ‘It’s not that! Oh, I know I’m not the world’s best mother – that’s why I want something more for her, the security I never had.’
‘And Richard?’ he said. ‘What has made you decide finally to let that poor fish off the hook?’
‘How can you be so horrible? I realized I’ve been making a mistake, that’s all. You and I, Dev, we’re right together, aren’t we? You always said so and now I can see it.’
‘Well, good for you, Tara.’ He crossed to the mirror and adjusted his tie. ‘A little late, I’m afraid.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I told you. I’m going to England.’
‘But …’
‘I also told you that if you went to Melbourne it was the end as far as I was concerned.’
‘But you weren’t serious!’
‘I was never more serious in my life. I’ve been prey to your moods and whims long enough, Tara.’
‘Oh Dev, please – you can’t go! What will I do?’ she caught at his arm, close to tears now. He shook himself free.
‘You’ll be all right. You have a musical show to do. You are a star already and you’re going to be an even bigger one. You don’t need me.’
‘But England! It’s the other side of the world!’
‘The world is getting smaller all the time. It’s not so far. I shall enjoy setting up Craigie Enterprises in London. Who knows, one day you may come over yourself.’ The telephone rang, he lifted it and nodded. ‘Right. My taxi has arrived, Tara. I have to go.’
‘Dev!’ She wanted to weep, cling to him, but suddenly the old pride was resurfacing and she could not do it. She had thrown herself at one man – and look at the consequences! She would not throw herself at another. ‘All right. Bye then, Dev. Good luck. And I’ll see you.’
‘I expect so.’ In the doorway he looked back at her. ‘Keep smiling, Tara. Sparkle like a star. You can conquer the world, you know.’
She nodded. Pride or no pride the tears were too close to allow her to answer.
‘Lock the door for me when you leave, will you?’
And he was gone.
For a long while she stood in the empty apartment too stunned to cry – or to think even. Then she went out, locking the door as he had asked her.
She walked blindly with no clear thought as to where she was going – but her feet needed no telling. There was one place in all of Sydney that she loved above all others, one place where she could forget heartache and loneliness, where the people she had loved and lost faded to a sweet sad echo in her heart. As it came into view she caught her breath and felt the familiar twist of excitement shiver through her.
The Capitol.
Its lights blazed out into the night and music wafted through the partly opened door. Tonight it was a different name in huge letters, different portraits on the hoardings, but once already it had been her name, her portrait, and she knew it would be again.
‘I made it, Mammy, you see– I made it!’ she whispered, and as if in reply she heard Dev’s last words to her.
‘Sparkle like a star. You can conquer the world.’
It’s true, she thought. I may lose everything else but nothing can stop me from being what I am. And Dev doesn’t really mean it’s over for good – I’m sure he doesn’t, he’s just trying to give me a fright, that’s all. Maybe if he is in England I can go there and be a star too!
She pressed her hands together as she had done as a child, visualizing the future and what it held for her. A star in Australia. A star in London. A star all over the world. And Dev … oh Dev, please take me back. Please. It’s so very empty and lonely without you …
But I’ll make it – I will! I know I will!
With the lights of the Capitol brightening her face she knew it was a dream to hold onto.
Copyright
First published in 1997 by Century
This edition published 2014 by Bello
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Copyright © Janet Tanner, 1997
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