All of which Cam would notice.
Kill me now.
Cam stared at him for a second, then grimaced. “Sorry. There was no time to change the sheets before we left for Cornwall. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable by bringing you in here. We can do this another time.”
Despite knowing he should take the out Cam was offering, Gareth shook his head. The scent of sex clung to him, made him want things he knew he couldn’t have, shouldn’t yearn for. Made him reckless.
“No, it’s fine.” His voice was rougher than usual, husky. Gareth ignored it and carried on. “What did you want to talk to me about?”
Instead of answering, Cam leaned against the door, watching him.
He knows.
Gareth’s heart started to race.
“Cam?”
Cam let out a breath and glanced up at the ceiling before focusing on Gareth. “You’ve not been yourself these past few weeks. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to notice.”
Caught off guard, Gareth frowned. “What? You have nothing to apologise for.”
Cam’s smile was tinged with sadness. “I’m your alpha, Gareth.” The words felt like a heavy weight settling on him, and Gareth’s fingers curled into fists. “It’s my job to notice when one of my betas is out of sorts.”
Gareth wanted to laugh. He’d been out of sorts for the last few years.
He could tell him the truth.
Lay all his feelings out on the table and see what happened. The temptation to do just that after always keeping them bottled up was almost too much to ignore, but then the photo at the side of Cam’s bed caught his eye.
Mia.
Gareth sighed and yet again prepared to mould the truth to something that wouldn’t give him away. “You have to admit, it’s been a rough few weeks for everyone. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s been affected by it?”
He knew he wasn’t.
It had taken a toll on most of them. Especially Cam.
To further make his point, Gareth added, “You have enough on your plate without worrying about me. I’m fine.” Or he would be as soon as he could get out of there and get some much-needed distance.
When Cam replied, his voice contained a touch of alpha power. “Don’t tell me what I can or can’t handle, Gareth. Your wellbeing is just as important to me as everything else.” His gaze met Gareth’s; dark and intense, and Gareth shivered under the weight of his stare. Being the sole focus of Cam’s attention tested his resolve to its limits. “And you are most certainly not fine.”
The need to obey his alpha tugged at him, and Gareth opened his mouth, wanting to tell the truth, to give Cam what he was asking for… but the truth would ruin everything. Instead he bit his lip, holding onto the words, but only just.
Cam rarely lost his temper, but Gareth sensed his frustration now and he didn’t blame him. Pushing off from the door, Cam took a deep breath in and blew it out, slow and measured. The tension in the room thickened, the air almost crackling as they both struggled to contain their emotions.
Thank fuck the full moon was still over a week away.
“Gareth…” He cracked his neck from side to side, as he walked towards him. “Tell me what’s wrong and I can help you work through it. Whatever it is.” The emphasis on whatever cut straight through Gareth.
He knows.
“I….” The words wouldn’t come. He’d spent so long suppressing his feelings, he couldn’t do it. He looked at Cam, hoping he’d see how hard it was for him to say this out loud and let him go. They never had to talk about it again as far as Gareth was concerned.
But this was Cam. He never took the easy way out.
Gareth dropped his head, suddenly finding his feet more interesting.
“Do you trust me?” The change in Cam’s tone—softer, coaxing—had Gareth snapping his head back up.
“You know I do.”
“Then trust me with this, please.” He half-turned to face away from Gareth, head tipping back a little as a frustrated sigh slipped out. Gareth felt like the worst beta ever. “You’re right. I do have a lot on my plate at the moment, and I need my betas to help me sort everything out and keep the pack from splintering apart.”
“And we will. Always.”
Cam looked over at him, a smile warring with his frustration. “I know.” He sighed again and walked closer until he stood in front of him. “But damn it, Gareth. I’d rather not have to go deal with Newell and all his crap while worrying that one of my betas is going to fall apart if I don’t do something to stop it.”
“What?” Gareth shot to his feet. “You’re not actually serious about going to see him, are you?” Fuelled by his wolf, rage bubbled up inside him at the thought of Newell being anywhere near Cam. Gareth’s teeth ached and his fingertips throbbed as he struggled to contain it. “You can’t trust anything he has to say.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” Cam’s gaze bore into Gareth’s, pinning him in place. “But I can’t ignore the fact that he still has his claws in members of my pack.”
“He’s taunting you, fishing for a reaction.” It was obvious to all of them that Newell wanted to rub it in Cam’s face.
“I know that too.”
Gareth stood, hands clenched at his sides to stop himself from reaching out. “Then why give him the satisfaction?” he growled. He’d never spoken to Cam this way, but he was so… so angry at the situation. Why couldn’t Cam see?
“Because I don’t have a choice.”
“Of course you have a fucking choice!” Newell was a nasty piece of work and would never change. The idea of Cam being anywhere near him again, of Newell’s smug, sneering face thinking he’d got one over his alpha, his… his. With Cam’s scent surrounding him, almost smothering in the confines of his bedroom, and Gareth’s emotions running wild, he couldn’t keep it in any longer.
His teeth extended, and his claws slid out, the relief only momentary as a new wave of fury gripped him. “I fucking hate him,” he spat. “He almost killed Nathan, made Alec fight against his own mate, and he tried to get your pack from you! For fuck’s sake Cam, you can’t go to that prison.” He reached for Cam’s shoulders, fingers digging in as he backed him against the wall, the need to protect spurring him on. “I won’t let you just walk in there and—”
“Gareth.”
Cam’s alpha voice cut through Gareth’s rage like the sharpest knife, stopping him cold.
They were so close: breathing harshly, his chest brushed against Cam’s with each inhale. His gaze dropped to Cam’s mouth, and he thought about leaning in and kissing him for all of one second before clarity returned.
“Oh fuck.” He leapt back in horror.
Spots of blood appeared through the rips in Cam’s shirt where Gareth’s claws had sunk in.
Bile rose in Gareth’s throat, and his heart sank like a rock.
What have I done?
He took another step back on shaky legs, his wolf all but howling at the sudden loss of contact. “I’m sorry. I—” What could he say? How could he possibly make this right? Backing away further, he bumped into the bed and sank down, dropping his head into his hands.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Gareth.” Much softer now. “Look at me, please.”
Gareth shook his head. “I can’t.” Cam would know for sure now—confirmed by the scents pouring off him as he sat there. “I’m sorry.” It was all he could think to say.
He felt a hand on his shoulder, firm, reassuring, and glanced up to find Cam crouched in front of him.
Too close.
Now he’d opened the door to his feelings, he couldn’t force it shut again, no matter how hard he tried.
Cam sighed. “I’m the one who should be sorry.”
Gareth frowned, confused. “But I hurt you.” He gestured to Cam’s shoulders. “And I… I….” Fuck he couldn’t say it. Couldn’t admit out loud that he was in love with his alpha. The look in Cam’s eyes told him he didn’t need to.
“I pushed you. I wanted to know what was wrong, and I pushed until you let it out.” He sat back on the floor, offered Gareth a rueful smile, then glanced at the spots of blood on his shoulder. “I have to say, I wasn’t expecting that.”
Heat rushed to Gareth’s cheeks, and he wished he could disappear through the floor. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see pity or whatever else it might be in Cam’s expression.
With his heart and soul flayed open, Cam saw everything.
“Hey.” He gripped Gareth’s ankle, squeezing gently until Gareth met his gaze. “Don’t be ashamed of how you feel.”
Bitter laughter forced its way out. “Easy for you to say.”
“It is, because I know how hard it can be to try and fight it, especially for our kind. But sometimes you can’t, and the only way forward is to accept it and move on.”
“And what does ‘moving on’ mean for me?” Gareth let his head fall back and focused on the ceiling, unable to look at Cam while he said what he needed to. Taking a deep breath, he said, “I’m in love with my alpha.” His heart hurt saying the words while knowing Cam would never feel the same. “My wolf is totally on board with that, and I know that if…” He put his hand over his heart and tried to rub the pain away. “I feel it here…” No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t say any more.
“You could bond?”
“Yes,” he whispered, eyes shut tight as if he could block everything out if he didn’t look.
Cam’s long drawn-out sigh was like a hot poker to his chest. Burning the sliver of hope that he hadn’t quite managed to suppress. “Gareth. Please look at me.”
Reluctantly, Gareth opened his eyes and glanced down. Cam’s expression wasn’t full of pity, but maybe sadness and regret.
“I love you… as I love all my betas. But even if I wasn’t your alpha, I could never give you what you want from me.”
He’d always known this would be the outcome, had expected Cam to say those exact words, and he thought he was prepared to hear them, but fucking hell it hurt. “I know.”
Cam’s grip tightened around his ankle. “It’s not because it’s you. I can’t…” He sighed and closed his eyes for a second. When he looked up again, they glistened with unshed tears. “I loved Mia with all my heart. I still do.” He put his hand on his chest. “She’s in here, and always will be.” His sad smile crushed Gareth’s heart a little more. “I don’t think I can love anyone else. I’m sorry.”
Gareth’s thoughts leapt to the woman in the next room, and the words tumbled out. “Not even Rachel?”
Cam frowned. “Rachel?” He stared at Gareth for a couple of seconds as understanding slowly dawned. “Ahh.”
He glanced over at the closed bedroom door. “No, especially not Rachel. She reminds me of Mia in a lot of ways, too many. I want to help her, but only because it’s the right thing to do and it’s what Mia would’ve done. No other reason.”
“Oh.”
“Is that why you don’t like her?”
Gareth looked down at the floor, suddenly feeling foolish for his jealousy. “Possibly.”
“How long have you been hiding your feelings for me?”
“A while.” This wasn’t a topic of conversation Gareth wanted to continue. The past didn’t matter, only the present. “So what happens now?”
“In what respect?”
“Well.” Gareth swallowed back the lump in this throat. He never thought he’d ever have to offer to do this. “Would you like me to leave the pack?”
Cam looked pained as he asked, “Do you want to?”
“No.” This was his home, his family. Losing them would kill him. But… “I thought… wouldn’t it be for the best, considering? Now you know how I feel?”
“An unrequited bond will fade with time, Gareth. You won’t always feel this way.”
Gareth begged to differ but kept quiet.
Cam got to his feet and smoothed out his clothes. “I won’t treat you any differently than I always have, so if you still want to be my beta…?”
“I do.”
“Then we’ll do our best to work through this, but if you change your mind at any point and would rather have another alpha, don’t hesitate to tell me. I want you to be happy, Gareth.”
Taking a deep breath, Gareth stood. “I don’t want to leave this pack. But I do need some time to get myself together. I don’t… I don’t want anything like this to happen in front of the others.” Having his fellow betas know the truth was more than he could handle right now.
“I understand.” Cam gestured to the door. “You need to stop thinking of Rachel as competition. I just want to help her enjoy her time with us and then go back home when it’s safe to do so.” He paused an offered Gareth a small smile. “I think you’d like her if you gave her a chance.”
Gareth snorted. “Hmm.” Making friends with Rachel was about the last thing on his mind. “I should go.” Before I do anything else to be ashamed of.
“Of course.” Instead of letting him go past, Cam stepped close and put a hand on the side of Gareth’s neck. The warmth of it was both comforting and cruel at the same time. “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you need. Let it go, Gareth. You deserve so much more than what I have to offer.” He stepped back and Gareth hurried past with barely a nod.
Tears gathered in his eyes, threatening to spill over any second as his wolf whined under his skin. He yanked the bedroom door open and marched down the hallway, almost taking Rachel out as she stepped out of the guest room.
“Shit, sorry.” He reached out to steady her without thinking.
She blinked at him in surprise. “That’s okay.” Her nostrils flared and Gareth winced. What must his scent be telling her after all that?
Not wanting to find out, he said. “Have a good night,” and hurried towards the front door, not stopping until he was safely out in the outside hallway.
“Shit.” Leaning against the wall, Gareth bent over with his head in his hands and wondered how he’d lost control so easily after years of holding it all inside.
Stupid fucking possessive instincts.
Gareth wanted to run out of the building, shift into his wolf, and forget about everything for a while. The urge to do so was so strong, he almost gave in to it, but then a door slammed on the stairwell below, and voices drifted up to him.
He had responsibilities.
His unit needed him, needed to know what was going on. He straightened, took a deep breath, and attempted to regain a modicum of control. Wound licking could wait until later; he had something else to focus on now. Pulling out his phone, he sent a text calling for a unit meeting in thirty minutes. Most of them should be back from work by now.
He’d see those who were missing tomorrow.
Now he needed to shower and try to wash away any evidence of his feelings.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Cam stood alone in his bedroom, wondering how he’d been so blind. Gareth’s scent lingered, a little unnerving in a space that was solely Cam’s.
How did I miss this? How many years has he struggled to hide his feelings?
An alpha was supposed to know his pack, particularly his betas. Judging from the strength of Gareth’s reaction, he’d been hiding this for a long while and it wasn’t some passing phase. The scent of the potential bond was faint, but it was there.
How did I fail to see what was happening with him?
Guilt flooded Cam, and he ran a hand through his hair. He’d allowed Gareth to struggle with this alone when he should have addressed it early on and nipped it in the bud before things got this far.
Rachel’s scent drifted in, and Cam looked up to see her standing in the doorway. “Everything okay?”
Cam met her gaze and studied her.
His room was fully soundproofed, she wouldn’t have heard a word he and Gareth had said, but she had a knowing look in her eye.
She stared back at him, unflinching. Then with a roll of her eyes, she gestured over her shoulder
to the front door. “I bumped into Gareth in his rush to flee the flat.” A pause as she bit her bottom lip. “I recognised the scent,” she said softly.
Not what he was expecting her to say. Not every shifter knew which were the certain scents associated with bonds, nor what it smelt like.
Raising an eyebrow, Cam walked towards her. “From your own experience?” Of course it was quite possible she could have picked up on it from members of her own pack, but Cam didn’t think that was the case.
Rachel sighed, “You could say that.”
Her having to leave her pack started to take on a whole new aspect. “Shall we go into the living room?”
She smiled. “Actually, I was coming to get you to tell you dinner was ready. So you can interrogate me over the dining room table instead.”
Cam laughed. “I was wondering what the delicious smell was. I assumed you’d only made something for yourself. Thank you.” He followed her down the hallway. “And I’m not going to interrogate you. I want to get to know you better.”
“Mhmm.” She glanced back over her shoulder. “And find out why my father was so keen to get rid of me?”
Smiling, Cam shrugged. “That too. If you want to talk about it. I won’t force you to.”
She led him into the dining room, where the table was set, and two bowls of steaming pasta sat on the table. The sauce smelt of garlic, tomatoes, cheese, and bacon, and Cam’s stomach rumbled loudly. Lunch had been hours ago.
They sat down and ate. Only when Cam had cleared nearly three-quarters of his food did he pause and set his fork down. “This is lovely, thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She set her fork on the side of the bowl. “I figured it was the least I could do, considering you’re letting me stay with your pack. And in your home.” She sighed like she didn’t want to say the next bit. “And I’m aware I might have seemed a little ungrateful. But I am… grateful, that is. I’m just still so very angry at everything that happened.”
“At your father?”
“Not so much him. I know he did what he thought was for the best. For the good of the whole pack. But he wouldn’t listen to me when I gave him other options.” She played with the edge of her napkin. “It’s like my dad and Alpha Gallen are still living in the dark ages.”
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