We found a quiet alcove with long velvet couches and sat down. Hana chatted with some of the other ruggers. Thomas and Malcolm went up the bar to get drinks. Kylie watched them go.
“How long have you and Thomas been a couple?” she asked.
I blinked. “We’re not.”
Thomas turned and waved from the bar. He stood next to the dark-haired, gray-eyed Malcolm, and although Malcolm was tall, Thomas dwarfed him. Thomas dwarfed everyone. I started to suspect he might be half giant or something, like a character in a fairy tale. Normal people did not grow as big as Thomas.
“It certainly seems that way,” she said. “Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
“It’s fine. Thomas and I are just friends. Good friends. Like you and Malcolm. There is nothing romantic there at all.”
“So, he’s like your big, gorgeous, extremely sexy Scottish brother?”
“Kind of. Although, I don’t quite think of him in those terms.”
She watched him, her cat-like eyes moving up and down his body and spending a little too much time on his bottom. “You wouldn’t mind if I have a go, then?”
I ignored the immediate rush of jealousy I experienced, and shook my head. “Of course not.”
I spent the rest of the evening watching Kylie hit on Thomas, and watching other men hit on Kylie. I drank more than I should have, and as I drank I became more and more irritated, although I couldn’t exactly understand why. Kylie had been perfectly nice, even if she did flirt. A lot. The guys remained attentive and kind, no matter how quiet and grumpy I became. Thomas didn’t do anything wrong. He seemed a bit confused by Kylie’s sudden interest in him, but acted like a perfect gentleman. For some reason, I decided he was the one who’d ticked me off. When Malcolm asked me if I’d like another beer, Thomas answered for me.
“I think Sam has had enough.”
I gave him a tight little smile. “I think Sam can decide that on her own, thank you very much.”
He narrowed his eyebrows at me. “And when Sam begins referring to herself in the third person, I believe it’s time to stop.”
I kept the smile frozen on my face and replied through gritted teeth. “It’s really none of your concern, is it?” I turned to Kylie. “So where do you work?”
I assumed she taught somewhere. English schools had popped up on every corner in Japan, like Starbucks back home. Some very official programs had the sponsorship of the Japanese government and hired only college graduates. Others were fly-by-night and hired anyone with a tourist visa willing to risk deportation to teach English under the counter. I guessed Kylie worked at one of those schools, but I was wrong.
“I worked as a nurse back in Australia,” she said, her green eyes clear and very direct. “But here I’m a hostess. I get paid ridiculous amounts of money to sit in a bar and chat with Japanese businessmen.”
My jaw dropped. “That’s a job? That sounds more like…like…”
“Prostitution? I don’t sleep with my customers, Sam. There are very strict rules at the bar where I work. It’s actually a rather classy establishment.”
I took another swig of beer. “What are the rules?”
She folded her napkin in her lap, looking every inch the lady. “Well, they are allowed to touch me on the arm and on the shoulder. They can touch my thigh up to the hem of my skirt. They are allowed to touch my face and play with my hair. If they pay extra, and I’m amiable, they can touch my breasts, but only for a few seconds and only through my clothing. Does that answer your question?”
I nodded, feeling a bit ill. “It doesn’t…bother you?”
She shook her head, her pretty face suddenly hard. “Jobs in Australia are few and far between. I make as much here in one night as I would in a week back home. I’m young and free and I get to wear pretty clothes and work in a posh place with decent people. There are far worse jobs. One of my friends works in what they call soapland. It’s bloody awful. She has to cover herself and her customers in lubricant and massage and rub against them until they get off.”
“Is that legal?”
She shrugged. “Prostitution itself is technically illegal in Japan. Soapland is about as close as you can get without being the real thing. No penetration means no prostitution.”
Another wave of nausea swept over me. “It’s disgusting.”
“It’s reality, and it’s a lot of money. Not everyone can be a scholar. Not everyone can come here on a student visa and spend their days learning about the sunny parts of Japan. You’ll go home and talk about silk kimonos and golden temples, but you’ll never realize you’ve only seen half of the truth. Every coin has two sides. You’re only looking at one.”
“Show me the other half.”
Thomas looked at me in shock. “What the bloody hell are you talking about? You’re making Kylie uncomfortable.”
“She’s not,” said Kylie. “What do you mean, Sam?”
“You’re right. I’m here to learn about everything, not just what can be found in my textbooks. I want to see the real Japan, all of it, good and bad. Can I go to work with you sometime? Just to see what it’s like?”
“No,” said Thomas, shaking his head. “I will not permit it.”
Kylie, Hana, and I all looked at him with identical annoyed expressions. Even Malcolm seemed surprised. “Sorry, Thomas. I have to side with the sheilas on this one. It’s up to Sam whether she wants to see where Kylie works or not.”
“She’s drunk,” he said. “She’s not thinking clearly.”
I glared at him. “You don’t understand. I have to do this, Thomas.”
“Why?” he asked, his blue eyes filled with confusion. He thought I wanted to hook up with someone. The idea made my nausea even worse.
“Excuse me,” I said as my stomach clenched. I ran out of the bar and just made it to the sidewalk before getting sick. I hadn’t done this since my birthday. I leaned against the wall as tears streamed down my face. That was the first time I’d seen Dylan drink, and the last time everything in our relationship had felt normal. I remembered the awful, dirty, impersonal sex we’d had that night. Was it really so different from what those women did at soapland? I was nothing but a hypocrite. My belly heaved again, but there was nothing left to throw up.
“Are you all right, Sam?”
Thomas stood behind me. I waved a hand at him.
“Go away.”
“I think it’s time to take you home.”
I wiped my tears with the back of my hands, and then turned to look at him. “It’s only a few blocks. I’ll be fine on my own.”
“What’s going on, Sam?”
The pleading note in his voice made me stop, my back to him. He had my coat in his hands and put it around me. I hadn’t realized I’d left it in the bar. He squeezed my shoulders gently, leaning forward until his forehead touched the back of my head.
“Tell me, Sam. Please.”
I let out a long, shaky breath. “It’s a long story. And complicated.”
“I’ve got nothing but time.”
I texted Hana to let her know I was fine. She said Malcolm and Kylie would take her home. Thomas and I found a quiet coffee shop. He insisted I eat, ordering each of us a slice of pie and tea with milk and sugar.
When the pie came, I stared at it, thinking of my mom and Thanksgiving and home. It felt like everything had happened so long ago.
“I’m not the sort of person you want to be around.”
He stirred his tea, and then stirred mine as well. “I’ll be the judge of that.”
“You don’t understand.”
He took my icy hand in his warm one and stroked the back with his thumb. My entire body hummed to life at the small caress. I really was on dangerous ground here. I pulled my hand away and put it on my lap.
“Enlighten me, Sam. Tell me why you’re so terrible.”
“Fine.” I swallowed hard, my eyes downcast. “I told you about my ex.”
“That he’s ill?”
I nodded
. “Not in the way you probably think, though. Dylan had a history of mental issues. Depression. Anxiety. Suicide attempts. I didn’t know about it when we started dating. We got serious pretty quickly, but things went downhill just as fast. He broke up with me on Halloween. It came as a relief, truth be told. I wanted out, but didn’t know how to do it.”
I let out a shaky sigh. I just had to say it or I’d never be able to tell him. “Two weeks later, I went to his apartment to check on him. He looked like a corpse. He’s been in the hospital ever since. Severely depressed. Nearly catatonic. On suicide watch. I call my mom every day, but it never changes. He isn’t getting better. It’s all my fault.”
Thomas took a long sip of his tea. “I ken why you’re upset. I feel bad for Dylan, too. But I don’t understand why you blame yourself.”
Tears burned behind my eyes. “I never loved him, but I let him think I did. If I’d just been able to love him, for real, maybe none of this would ever have happened.”
He looked at me in surprise. “That’s a load of rubbish.”
I gasped, sitting back in my seat. “It’s not.”
“You’re daft if you blame yourself. That’s like saying my da would have survived colon cancer if we’d just loved him a little more. Dylan didn’t get sick because of you, and he won’t get better because of you. It’s an illness, Sam. You aren’t even part of the equation.”
“That’s what my mom and everyone else keeps telling me, but I know in isn’t true.”
“Your heart is lying to you. But what does this have to do with Kylie and your desire to visit a hostess bar? No matter how pretty a picture she paints, Sam, that sort of place is not for you.”
“I need to prove something to myself.”
“What?”
“I need to know I’m not a bad person.”
“You aren’t.” He seemed so certain.
“Thomas, I didn’t love Dylan, but I slept with him. I think there’s something wrong with me. I have to face my own darkness. Embrace it. Accept it. Or I’ll never be free.”
My cheeks burned and I couldn’t look at his face. I heard him take a deep breath and blow it out slowly. When I glanced up, I saw his cheeks had turned even redder than mine.
“If you do go, and I’m not sure you should, promise me one thing.”
“What?”
“That I can tag along with you.”
CHAPTER FIVE
Thomas asked me to come see one of his rugby scrimmages the next day. I didn’t know what to expect. I stood next to Kylie, who’d grown up watching the game. She tried to explain the rules to me, but it seemed more complicated than any sport I’d ever witnessed. Even cricket. Even quidditch.
“What are they doing now?” I asked, a cup of hot coffee in my hands. The players all hunched together on the field, looking like participants in some sort of violent group hug.
“That’s a scrum. They’re fighting for possession of the ball.”
Thomas emerged from the scrum, ball in hand, and sprinted down the field. He passed the ball deftly to a player behind him.
“And they can only pass backwards, right?”
“Yes,” she said, “but they can kick it forward. Watch. I think Thomas is about to score.”
Another player kicked the ball ahead. Thomas took off, amazingly fast for such a big guy. He dove over the line, ball in hand, then jumped to his feet and raised his arms in the air with a victorious shout.
“He seems pretty good at this,” I said.
Kylie snorted. “He’s one of the best. He’s being offered a position on the national team.”
“For Scotland? But he plans to go to grad school. In the States.”
Disbelief colored her pretty features. “Then he’s passing up the opportunity of a lifetime. He can always go back to school, but he can’t play rugby forever. It’s a brutal game. It’s not for old men. Or the faint of heart.”
When play resumed, Thomas got slammed to the ground, and a pile of other ruggers jumped on top of him. I dropped my paper coffee cup. It slid right out of my gloved hand and fell to the sidewalk, splashing my toes with hot coffee, but I barely even noticed. My eyes were on the rugby field.
He popped up a few seconds later, a huge grin on his face, and I let out a sigh of relief. Kylie gave me a knowing smile. “As I said. Not for the faint of heart.”
I picked up my coffee cup and tossed it into the trash. “I thought they were going to smush him.”
“He’s pretty tough. It would take a lot to ‘smush’ Thomas.”
I watched her closely. “I’m sorry about last night, Kylie. I know you wanted to spend time with him, and I sort of monopolized his attention, first by getting drunk, and then by getting sick.”
She laughed. “You monopolized his attention because you were the only girl in the room he cared about.”
I shook my head. “No, you don’t understand…”
“You’re the one who doesn’t understand, Sam. I have no interest in Thomas. I’m actually seeing someone else. Kind of. I only flirted with him to see if you’d get jealous, as a favor to him. Although he had no idea what I was up to and looked just as confused as everyone else.”
“He did look a little confused.” I frowned. “You wanted to make me jealous?”
She nodded, linking her arm with mine and giving me a squeeze. “And it worked, didn’t it? Things seem better between the two of you this morning.”
“They are,” I admitted. “I have to apologize for something else, too. I hope you don’t think I was being judgmental about your job. I agree with what you said. I really am seeing only half the truth. I…I need to see it all.”
When she looked at me, I saw a sad shadow in her brilliant green eyes. “As long as you know, there are some things, bad things, and once you see them they can’t be unseen. They stick with you. I saw those things as a nurse in Australia, and I’ve seen those things, in a different way, here. Do you understand what I mean, Sam?”
I thought about the way Dylan had looked the day I found him in his apartment, the way the spark went out of my good friend Gabriela’s eyes the day after she’d been raped. I understood what Kylie meant all too well.
“Pretending the darkness isn’t there doesn’t make it go away. It makes it stronger.”
She blinked in surprise. “Well, then. I guess you do know what I’m talking about.”
When the game finished, the men, covered in mud and blood, took off their shirts and grabbed a beer from a cooler on the sidelines. Kylie went to congratulate Malcolm. Thomas came up to me, bare-chested, and for a moment I couldn’t speak. He looked like a god, someone the ancient Greeks would have carved in marble and worshipped. His smile widened when he noticed my reaction. Then I saw a cut on his face and scowled.
“You’re bleeding,” I said, pulling a tissue out of my pocket. I moistened it with my tongue, and then tried to clean the blood off his cheek.
“It’s nothing,” he said, leaning close so I could reach his face better. “What did you think of the match?”
“Well, it’s a fairly simple game that’s really complicated.”
He tilted back his head and laughed. “That it is.”
“You’re quite good.”
“I am.” He winked at me. Even when Thomas bragged, he did it so charmingly that I felt my lips curving into a smile.
“Incorrigible,” I said, giving him a little shove.
The shove might not have been such a great idea. As soon as I touched his warm skin, a jolt went through my body. I pulled my hand away, and tried to focus on his face, but his abs and chest kept distracting me. I wanted to touch him again. Really badly. I sucked in a breath and tried to remember what I’d just been talking about.
“Kylie said you might have an offer to play for the Scottish National Team.”
“It looks that way,” he said, grabbing a towel and wiping the sweat off his body. I almost whimpered.
“So, what are you going to do?”
“I to
ld you. I’m going to graduate school in the States.”
He put his arm loosely around my shoulders and led me back to the indoor sports complex at the university. We walked slowly. Still bare-chested, he seemed completely comfortable in the late January cold. I had on four layers of clothing and shivered.
“But isn’t this an amazing opportunity for you?”
He shrugged. “They’re going to make me an offer, but I haven’t seen anything in writing yet. I’ll hear back from all the graduate schools I applied to next month, hopefully. Once I have all my options in front of me, I’ll weigh them. For now, I’m just waiting.”
“Kylie said you can always go to graduate school later. Maybe she’s right.”
Thomas stopped walking and turned to me, tucking a curl behind my ear. “She probably is right, but it doesn’t matter. I learned an important lesson when my father got sick, Sam. None of us know how much time we have. Make the most of it. Be with who you want to be with and do what you really want to do.”
“So what do you want to do?” His proximity made it a little hard for me to formulate that question. He gave me a slow, sexy smile, one so full of promise it nearly made my toes curl.
“I’m still undecided. As I said, I don’t know what all my options are quite yet.”
I knew he didn’t just mean rugby versus school, but pretended like I didn’t understand. I promised I’d grab some lunch with him, and waited outside the locker room while he showered. Kylie found me there.
“I’m working tonight, Sam, if you want to come.”
“That sounds like a plan.”
Thomas and Malcolm came out of the locker room together, clean and fresh. Malcolm’s nose looked bruised and swollen and someone had put a bandage on the cut on Thomas’s cheek.
“What sounds like a plan?” he asked.
“Kylie is working tonight. She invited me to come and observe. What do you think? You want to tag along, right?”
He looked so unenthusiastic it almost made me laugh out loud. “I’ve got nothing better to do.”
Saying Goodbye, Part Two (Passports and Promises Book 1) Page 4
