I looked up at her. “What?”
“Ganbaru.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I took my Gaelic dictionary with me everywhere. To make sure I didn’t lose any time on my kanji, I forced myself to come up with the kanji for every new Gaelic word I learned.
“Your brain is going to explode,” said Sophie, as she watched me painstakingly write first the Gaelic word, its pronunciation, and then the kanji. “I can’t believe you are doing this.”
We were touring Nara, a city near Kyoto famous for its giant statue of Buddha and the tame deer roaming its streets. Cute at first, the deer soon became annoying. They took a special liking to Sophie, and kept trying to nibble on her bottom. By the third or fourth time it happened, Jake and I couldn’t stop laughing.
“She’s a deer magnet,” I told him.
“And she has a really cute butt,” he said.
He got up to rescue Sophie from yet another deer, and I watched them, wondering how I’d ever mistaken Jake for Dylan. They were so different. Night and day. Although Jake still obviously mourned his lost brother, it was a normal, healthy sort of sadness. Part of the grieving process.
I remembered what Thomas had told me about the pain eventually becoming more of a dull ache rather than a sharp stab. He’d been right. I could think about Dylan now, remember him, without being in agony. Some memories, like Jake’s birthday or the day we’d played in the leaves, actually made me smile.
The next day we stopped by Ryoanji. Once again, Mr. Ando wasn’t there, but I knew Ryoanji like the back of my hand at this point, and couldn’t wait to share it with Sophie and Jake.
“It’s not flashy like Kinkakuji,” she said, “but I think I like it better.”
Kinkakuji, the golden pavilion, sparkled in the sunlight, covered in gold, set like a jewel in the perfect, quintessential Japanese garden. It had been first on Sophie’s list of things she’d wanted to see. She and Jake fell in love with it, taking tons of photos, but Ryoanji affected them differently. It touched their hearts.
As we sat and stared at the stones and sand, Jake had to wipe away a tear. “I feel Dylan here,” he said softly. “In this place.”
I put an arm around his shoulder. “I do, too.”
We ran into Thomas on our way back to campus. As soon as I saw him, my heart pounded in my chest. I introduced him to Jake and Sophie. He acted polite and cordial, but, once again, he refused to even look at me.
“Are you feeling better?” I asked.
“I’m fine,” he said. “It was naught but a wee cold. No need to fuss over it.”
Sophie’s face glowed at the sound of his accent. “Sam told me you’re from Edinburgh, but you go to university in St. Andrew’s. That is so cool. I’ve always wanted to see Scotland.”
“You should. It’s beautiful,” he said.
“And you play rugby, right?” asked Jake. “Sam said you’re really good. Can we watch you play sometime?”
“Sam is quite the source of information. Of course, you can come and watch. We have a match tomorrow.”
“Awesome,” said Sophie, half in love with Thomas already. I couldn’t blame her. Even Jake seemed a little enthralled by his muscular Scottish glory.
“We just saw Ryoanji. Incredible,” said Sophie. “We went to see her friend, Mr. Ando, but he wasn’t there. Has Sam taken you to see it yet?”
Finally, he looked at me, an unreadable expression in his blue eyes. “She did. I didn’t meet the mysterious Mr. Ando either. I’m beginning to think he’s a figment of Sam’s colorful imagination.”
I rolled my eyes. “Now I’m making up Japanese janitors? Please.”
“I wouldn’t put it past you.” I couldn’t tell if Thomas was joking or not, but the fact he’d actually addressed me felt like something close to a miracle.
“Will you have time later?” I asked. “To put the finishing touches on our project?”
He nodded. “Aye. I can make the time. I suppose. But we can certainly wait until your visit with your sister is over.”
“Oh. Okay. Um. We’re getting together Friday. Kind of a goodbye party. Jake and Sophie are leaving on Sunday. Do you want to come? Kylie will be there. And Malcolm. And Hana, of course.”
When he hesitated, Sophie grabbed his arm. “Please come. It’ll be a blast. We’re going dancing, and I heard you’re a fabulous dancer.”
“And I suppose you heard that from Sam as well.” He didn’t look at me, but my cheeks turned pink. Sophie and Jake made it seem like I talked about Thomas all the time. I guess I mentioned him more than I realized.
He promised he’d come, although he made it extremely clear he was doing it only to see Sophie and Jake. Later that night, as Hana snoozed, Sophie turned to me. We shared a single futon, but it was nice, like sharing my twin bed back home when we were little.
“You’re in love with Thomas.”
“Yes,” I said, a single tear slipping out from under my lashes and down my cheek. I wiped it away.
“What happened?”
I couldn’t tell her I’d slept with Thomas the night Dylan killed himself. I had to find a different way to explain it. “When Dylan died, I needed someone to blame. I chose Thomas.”
“Basically an innocent bystander?”
I nodded. Dim light from a streetlamp outside shone into our room, enough that I could make out her features. “It’s hard to explain, the anger I felt. The grief. The guilt. I said some terrible things to Thomas. Unforgivable things. When Jake gave me that letter, it changed everything. I woke up. I’d been a total idiot, I realize that now, but I think it’s too late. He hates me.”
She snorted. “I doubt that. Have you tried talking to him?”
“That’s why I’m learning Gaelic.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Why make things more complicated? He does speak English, you know.”
“That would be the easy way out.”
“And you prefer to do things the hard way?”
I yawned. “Not the hard way. The best way. I have to prove myself to him. Win him back. This is my last chance. If I mess it up, I’ll lose my ikigai.”
She frowned. “Your icky guy?”
I giggled. “No. Ikigai. It’s your passion. What you live for. What you wake up for every morning. Thomas is mine. He’s the first thing I think of every morning. The last thing on my mind as I fall asleep. He knew it the minute he met me, but I just kept trying to push him away. Finally, I succeeded and now I’m miserable. Pretty pathetic, huh?”
“You’ll get him back. You’ll find a way.”
I gave her a sad little smile. “I’m not so sure, but thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“I know what my ikigai is,” she said, trying to hold back a smile.
“Jake Hunter. Obviously.”
She shook her head. “Chocolate.”
We laughed so hard I thought we’d wake up Hana. Then we laughed harder as we tried to shush each other.
“I’m so glad you’re here, Sophie.”
She snuggled closer, falling asleep with her head on my shoulder. “Me, too.”
I wasn’t laughing the next day as I sat between Jake and Sophie at the rugby match. Thomas, it appeared, had his own cheering section. A large group of gorgeous Japanese co-eds. They screamed his name, chanting “To-ma-su” over and over again, and he enjoyed every minute of it, waving and playing it up for the crowd.
After the match, Ritsumeikan held a press conference to introduce each of the rugby players and allow them to talk about their home countries. The men went into the locker room all bloodied and dirty, and came out clean and showered. Most of the guys wore suits, but Thomas and the rest of the Scottish players had on kilts.
Sophie made a funny, strangled little sound and whipped out her camera to take some photos. “Mom is going to die when she sees this. He is so freaking hot.” She gave Jake an apologetic look and he laughed.
“Don’t worry, Sophie. Even I find him attractive. In a totally manly
way, of course.”
I couldn’t tear my gaze away. Thomas in a kilt was positively orgasm inducing; the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. The Clan MacGregor plaid was red and grey. He wore a short, formal jacket in the same charcoal grey as the plaid, and he had on a tie. Even his knee socks, also charcoal grey, were a turn on.
After he finished the interview, and posed for some photos for the newspaper, he came to speak with us. I couldn’t stop staring at him. Sophie nudged me. Hard.
“Your mouth is hanging open,” she whispered out of the corner of her mouth. “And I think you’re drooling.”
I wiped my lips instinctively, making her giggle. I shot her a dirty look, and then turned my gaze back to Thomas. Up close, he was even more impressive. Maybe Sophie hadn’t been teasing about the drool. Wondering if the stories were true about Scottish men going commando under their kilts made me break out in a sweat. I hoped no one else noticed, not that Thomas paid any attention to me at all. Once again, I’d turned into the invisible woman.
“So did you enjoy the match?” he asked Jake and Sophie.
“It was fantastic,” said Jake. “I’ve seen rugby on TV before, but never in person.”
“I’m glad you liked it.” As he spoke, two adorable Japanese girls came up and nestled under each of his big, muscular arms.
“Well, hello there,” he said, as they giggled and stared up at him in awe. I folded my arms across my chest and tapped my foot, trying to look anywhere but at Thomas. The girls asked for autographs, and he happily obliged. He even posed for a photo with them.
“Wow. You have fans,” said Sophie, after they left.
I felt Thomas’ eyes on me even though I still refused to look at him. “It appears I do.”
Thomas chatted with Jake and Sophie a bit about rugby and kilts and Scotland. I stood off to the side, trying not to cry. I missed the way Thomas used to look at me, like I was the only person who mattered, the center of his universe. Now, I wasn’t even in the same galaxy. I’d been removed.
I kind of understood how Pluto felt when it lost its planet status. Poor little Pluto.
Thomas glanced at his watch. “Well, I’d better go. I have to go inside for a team photo.”
“See you later.” I blurted out the words. “I hope.”
Thomas didn’t respond. He just gave me a funny look and walked away.
I thought about giving up on the Gaelic after that, on giving up on Thomas completely, but Sophie pushed me to continue. “If he really is your ikigai, you’d better iki go and get him.”
She played on the fact that iki also meant “go” in Japanese. Hana rolled her eyes. “Did you just create the worst Japanese pun ever?”
“I did,” she said. “I’m so proud.”
Only a handful of days remained until Sophie had to leave. We tried to make the most of it, and I loved spending that time with Jake, too. I suspected when I went to class, they did a bit more than sightseeing, but Sophie promised she was being responsible. I had to take her word for it.
When Friday came and I knew I’d see Thomas again, I turned into a bundle of nerves. Hana and Sophie spent a lot of time and effort on my appearance, and Kylie even lent me one of her sparkly, sexy dresses for the occasion, but it was all for nothing. Thomas came late, a little sloshed, and danced with every single girl at the club. Except me.
Sophie danced with Jake. Hana paired up with Malcolm. Kylie came with Kenzo. Even Shinji was there, in jeans and with a date. I danced sort of half-heartedly when the songs were fast, but sat by myself during the slow dances, watching Thomas take a different girl into his arms with every song.
Several Japanese guys asked me to dance, or offered to buy me a drink, but I wasn’t in the mood. I preferred to just drink alone and torture myself by watching Thomas.
When Hana went to the bathroom, Malcolm slid into the seat next to me. “You look absolutely miserable.”
“I am absolutely miserable.”
He watched as Thomas danced with girl after girl, sometimes with two girls at once. “You hurt him, you know. Badly.”
I sighed. “He doesn’t seem to be hurting now.”
Malcolm leaned close. “It’s a show. For your benefit, I think. Watch this.”
Malcolm put an arm around my shoulders, and immediately Thomas turned to us with a scowl on his face. I blinked in surprise.
“He’s been watching me this whole time? That sadistic jerk. He acted like I was invisible for weeks.”
Malcolm’s shoulders shook with the effort it took not to laugh. “You should have seen his face when those other guys asked you to dance. I thought it might come to blows.”
I frowned. “But he won’t even look at me or talk to me. Is this some kind of sick game?”
Malcolm shook his head, removing his arm. Thomas’ face immediately relaxed, but he kept shooting Malcolm warning looks. “Oh. I’m going to pay for this later. It’s not a game, Sam. You wounded him. Deeply. It’ll take some time before he can trust you again.”
“That’s the one thing we don’t have, Malcolm. Time. The semester is over in less than a month.”
“Then you’d best hurry up. A group of us are going to stay at an onsen next weekend. I’ve heard the hot springs there are incredible, and the cherry trees will be in bloom. Maybe you and Hula Chick should join us.”
“What’s going on with you and Hana?”
He shrugged. “We’re just having fun. Here she is now.”
Hana came back from the restroom and sat on my other side. “Did you tell her the news?”
He shook his head. “I got an offer, from the Australian rugby team. I’ll start training as soon as I get home.”
“That’s fantastic,” I said, giving him a hug. I snuck a glance at Thomas as I did so. He scowled again, so I gave Malcolm another hug just to get even with him.
“That isn’t the only news. Thomas got an offer, too. From Scotland. Now, he must decide what to do. He has to let them know in two weeks. And you know what his other option is, right?”
I shook my head. “I have no idea.”
“The Institute of Applied Linguistics. He got in. He found out a month ago. Personally, I don’t think he has a choice.”
“What do you mean?”
“Playing for Scotland is a once in a lifetime opportunity. If he turns it down, he’ll regret it forever.”
My shoulders slumped. “Is this that whole speech about if you love something, let it go?”
Malcolm thought about it. “Nope. This is the let-Thomas-play-for-Scotland-while-he-still-can speech, before his knees give out and he has to quit. There is a short window for rugby, Sam. Two years is a long time. He can always go to school later.”
“So what exactly do you want me to do, Malcolm?”
He let out a long sigh. “Whatever is best for Thomas.”
I gave him a sad little smile, paid my tab, and stood up. “I think we both know what is best for Thomas, and it’s probably not me.”
I spent the next few days with my sister, trying not to think about Thomas. Or talk about Thomas. Or dream about Thomas. Because I knew Malcolm was right. Thomas would regret not playing for Scotland. He’d have a lifetime of opportunities to go to graduate school, but if he waited to play rugby, he might lose his chance forever.
I cried when I said goodbye to Sophie and Jake, and clung to both of them at the airport. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that both of you came here.”
Jake nodded, choked up. He, better than anyone, understood what his visit had meant to me.
I sent them back with gifts for my parents and his parents and promises to Skype and call more often. After they left, I poured myself back into my studies. I still carried the Gaelic dictionary around with me, and worked at trying to learn some basic vocabulary and simple phrases, but at this point I didn’t even know why I bothered.
I loved Thomas. With all my heart. But the best thing for him would be for me to let him go.
We finished our r
esearch project together, which turned into a special form of agony. I sat right next to him as we organized all the information, talking about sex and alcohol and blowjobs and the seedy, dirty underworld of Japanese society. I tried to ignore his nearness, his warmth, even as we wrote about love hotels and all I could think about was having his hands on me, his naked body next to mine.
“I can tie up the rest,” I said softly. “I’ll email it to you so you can look it over before we submit it.”
“Okay, then,” he said, but he didn’t get up. We sat in a quiet corner of the library. It was late on a Sunday night. No one else was around.
“That way you don’t have to do this again.”
“Do what?”
I gathered my things, still unable to look at his face. “See me. Or ignore me. Or…whatever.”
Letting him go would be the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I had to do it for his sake. In all actuality, he’d never really been mine to begin with. Months of friendship followed by a week of kisses and one night of passion. Now we were left with nothing.
“Sam,” he said, stopping me as I turned to leave.
“What?”
“You forgot your pencil.”
He handed it to me, his fingers brushing against mine, and then walked out of the library and into the night.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
On Friday morning, Hana tried to convince me to go to the onsen with her. “It’ll be fun,” she said. “You don’t even have to be around Thomas if you don’t want to.”
“I’m okay,” I said, forcing myself to smile. “I have a lot of work to do, and I want to spend some time with Mr. Ando before I leave.”
“Your mysterious Japanese boyfriend. Fine. I get it. But if you change your mind, there is a later train. Don’t forget.”
I gave her a hug. “I won’t.”
Spring had finally come to Japan in all its glorious wonder. The air smelled sweet with flowers as I walked to Ryoanji, smiling as a group of children lined up behind me on a school field trip. Probably in middle school, they wore dark blue uniforms and giggled as they looked at me, whispering “Bijin desu ne, gaijinsan wa.” That foreigner is beautiful, isn’t she?
Saying Goodbye, Part Two (Passports and Promises Book 1) Page 13
