by CD Reiss
“What the fuck, what?”
I crossed my arms. “What. The. Fuck. Jonathan.”
He put his fingertips on my jaw and slid them to the side of my neck. I sighed at his caress. His thumb brushed my cheek, his pinkie tickling the sensitive part of my throat. I involuntarily tilted my head into him.
“Your safe word?” he said.
“Tange-fucking-rine. Now explain—”
He grabbed the hair at the back of my head and yanked me to my knees. I lost my breath, the motion was so sharp and hard. I was kneeling in a second, and he flipped his pants open in a few swift moves. His dick was rigid and straight at my lips, glistening with a drop of liquid.
I had told him about that fantasy the night I gave him the list that became a song. He said he wouldn’t fulfill it until I trusted him. I closed my mouth tight.
“Open,” he commanded.
I turned my eyes to him, his cock in the foreground of my vision. His face bent toward me. He slapped his dick against my lips, twisting my hair. I opened my lips to tell him to fuck himself, but I was unprepared for the ferocity with which he jammed his cock down my throat. I choked, gagged.
He didn’t stop. He grabbed my hair with his other hand and pivoted me, controlling me, owning me. I felt as if he wanted me off balance and uncomfortable, held up not by my knees, but by the knots of hair in his fists that shifted my head where his cock wanted. I opened my mouth and throat and let him take me. I made noises there were no letters for. Spit ran down my chin, and when I looked up at him, he gazed back with fierce intensity. He took his dick out of my mouth.
“You fucked her,” I said.
“No, I didn’t.”
“You lie.”
He pushed me into the house. “Hands and knees.”
I fell, but I scooted myself to standing. I backed away. My breath rasped from the facefuck I’d just endured. “Say it. You and Jessica.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“You. Lie.”
He pushed me against the wall, hard. I pushed him away.
“Pick your skirt up” he said.
“Admit it.”
“Pick your skirt up, Monica.”
“Admit it.”
He took my shoulders and twisted me to face the wall, inches from a Mondrian. We had agreed to all of it, more or less, at the hotel in Vancouver. Hours of making that boundary list on the couch, and one scenario we embraced was that sometimes I’d fight him, and I’d use the safe word if shit got too intense or painful Right then, I wanted to fuck him as much as I wanted to resist. I’d longed for him for two days, hovering somewhere between rage and panic.
He yanked up my skirt, pushing me against the wall with his other hand. “What am I admitting?”
“The cops said you hit Jessica with a belt and fucked her.”
“They lied to get you to talk.”
“Fuck. You.” He moved my panties aside, jammed his fingers in my cunt, and flicked my clit with his pinkie. “First chance you get, you cheat.” I moaned.
“You’re so fucking wet, Monica.” He pulled my hair until my neck was twisted so I could face him. “You wouldn’t be if you believed that.”
“They didn’t pick you up for nothing.”
“What if I did fuck her? You left me.”
The thought made me so angry I flung my arm back and hit him in the face. He threw me over the sideboard, bumping a little bronze sculpture of stacked squares and knocking over a picture of his sisters. His dick pressed against my ass, hard, hot, and ready. One of my shoes fell off.
“They said they had audio,” I cried, face wet with tears. “They have pictures of her ass. It’s welted. You did it. Just say it.”
“It.” He pulled my panties down to mid-thigh.
“You fucked her.”
“I showed her what she was asking for.” He slid his cock in me as if he had an engraved invitation, fucking me as though he owned me.
“God, Jonathan,” I cried, tears forming. “Why? Why don’t I mean anything to you?” I didn’t say “no” or “stop” because even though we had a safe word, I knew him. If I told him to stop, he would, and the pounding I was getting was the pounding I wanted.
He slapped against me with every word. “I. Didn’t. Touch. Her.”
“Liar.” I swung back, trying to hit him. My reward was having my arm twisted behind my back so I couldn’t move it.
“What did you tell them, Monica? You told them I spanked you, too.”
“I said it was consensual. I don’t lie.”
“Good for you.” He let my arm go but pressed my face to the tabletop so hard I couldn’t move. He changed his angle and fucked hard and slow for a few strokes, pushing me down. The lacquer bit my nostrils. Pleasure was overtaking me, overwhelming my better sense.
That was what I wanted, wasn’t it? I wanted to get fucked, but I didn’t want to want it. I wanted his cock, and I wanted it hard, without the responsibility of asking for explanations. He pulled my hair again, yanking my head to the side so I could see him.
“I want to see you come,” he said.
“Go fuck yourself,” I replied breathlessly.
“Put your hand on your cunt.”
I twisted, resisting the order, and he used the torque to drag one leg out of my panties. He put that leg over his shoulder while the other stayed on the tabletop. My other shoe fell with a clop. I lay on my side while he stood, shifting to straddle the leg that wasn’t over his shoulder.
“Now.” He put his thumb in his mouth and made a wet, sucking pop as he pulled it out. He pressed it to my clit.
“Oh, God.”
He pounded me hard. The photo bounced off the sideboard and crashed to the floor.
“I said I want to see you come,” he gasped, taking my pussy with his dick.
“Fuck. I hate you, fucker.” I swung at him with my free hand, but he caught it before I struck him. He pinned it to my ankle with his strong fingers. “I hate you.” It sounded like a plea.
“Well,” he said, a word for each stroke, “I. Love. You.”
He kissed my cheek, and everything in me tightened around him as his cruel thumb pressed, twisted, rubbed my clit. He grunted against my cheek. He pinched the fleshy nub, pushing and pulling in opposite directions. I came like a gunshot, a crack of a scream exploding from my throat. I begged him to stop, but he kept rubbing, and I kept coming until my cries must have sounded far more like pain than pleasure. Jonathan pulled his face from mine, circling his hips as he groaned a long mmm sound.
He was coming, and I loved him. Fucker.
two
The cops had taken my information and made sure Lil picked me up. They asked me nothing besides my most basic information and let me know I had to make myself available for questioning the next day. They came to my house in the morning, gently asking the most painful questions, breaking my heart with every word.
I’d cleaned every corner of my house except Gabby’s room. I stayed up all night, eyes glued to the television and internet. Whatever was happening with Jonathan, it had been either unworthy of media attention or kept under a dark, wet blanket.
I had called Geraldine Stark to thank her for letting us know about Kevin. She should have told us right away, before Darren had to call randomly, but she treated the whole thing like squeaky gossip. I made excuses and hung up. I called Darren. He was with Adam and couldn’t talk. I didn’t tell him about Jonathan. It would have taken forever to explain that I knew nothing.
I could not have imagined more tortuous days between watching him get into the squad car and getting his text.
—Where are you?—
I’d grasped the phone, letting half the tension in my body drop out of me and onto the kitchen floor.
—Home—
I was frozen in place, looking at the ellipsis at the bottom of the screen that meant he was typing. The shelves from my fridge were dripping soap, forgotten in the sink.
—Can you play?—
&n
bsp; Initially, my biggest fear had been that I was somehow responsible for the accusation of domestic violence. That someone had heard about us, or seen my bruises at the Eclipse show. Or that maybe Kevin had gotten a word in edgewise at the border. Because who else had he been with? Who else had he hurt?
—Fuck you—
—Be here at 11:23, exactly—
But then the police had gently questioned me. No cold room. No good cop, bad cop. Two female officers spoke in a soft voices and told me they’d protect me from the man I loved and the sex I craved. They told me Jessica had come to them for an order of protection with photos proving he’d abused her during sex. Her reputation as someone who wanted nothing to do with Jonathan’s kinky side indicated she’d been the unwilling victim of abuse and possibly rape.
I had gotten through the interview by using my customer service smile, but inside, I boiled.
—You missed the fuck you part—
—No, I saw it—
At 11:22 a.m., I had sat outside his gate in my car, waiting for the time on my phone to flip. I didn’t know what the exactness of the time was about. I felt as if he was taking a slice of control and connection in a situation where he felt he had none.
I didn’t believe he’d raped her, because I knew him. I didn’t believe he’d struck her without consent for the same reason. I was livid because during the time we’d been separated, he’d been so broken up about me he fucked around with, who else? Jessica.
At the same time, for two days, I had missed him. I worried about him. I didn’t sleep enough. I went to dinner with friends but barely ate. I checked my phone so often, Yvonne had snapped it off the table and pocketed it. When he finally did text, I felt relief, and rage, and at the sight of the word play, I felt rushing need between my legs that only he could release.
After he took full control of my resistant body, yanking an orgasm out of me, he picked me up and got me standing. I touched the hem of my skirt, but he moved my hands away.
“What now, Jonathan?” I was emotionally frustrated, sexually satisfied, and physically exhausted.
“Let me,” he said, kneeling in front of me. He held out the empty leg of my panties, and I stepped into them.
“You hurt me. And you cheated.”
“Hurting you isn’t my fault. It’s Jessica’s. And the second isn’t true.” He slid my panties back up my legs, running his fingers under them to get them in the right place.
“It doesn’t matter that we broke up,” I said.
“Yes, it would, if I’d done anything.” He pulled down my skirt, caressing my ass, my thighs, and my knees as if they were precious. “She came here the day I saw you at the Stock. Debbie said you’d moved on, and I was upset.”
“She said that? It wasn’t true.”
He looked up at me, his hands on the backs of my thighs. “I know. Debbie’s a yenta. I should have known. But Jessica was here, and she goaded me. That’s not an excuse, but it’s what happened. She said she wanted to do it kinky just once, and even after I explained exactly what that meant, she pushed all my buttons.”
“So you fucked her.”
“No! Jesus, Monica.” He cupped my ass as if to make me understand. “I had her unbutton her shirt, and she still wanted it. So I bent her over the table and gave her three whacks with my belt. I’m not proud of it. But everyone’s clothes were on.”
“Do you understand how unlikely that story sounds?”
“Yes. But you’re the only one, Monica. The only one.”
“I don’t forgive you.”
But I did, and we both knew it. I looked down at him, with his tourmaline eyes and copper hair, and believed him despite my better judgment. I forgave him despite my misgivings. I loved him just because I did. My heart wasn’t sensible or guarded enough. Not by a sight. I was a walking raw nerve ending of emotion, as if the years I’d spent away from men and sex had made me more emotional, more vulnerable, more foolish. I ran my fingers through his hair, feeling like the victim of a crime of consent.
“Can you stay with me a few hours?” he asked.
“Let me clean up, then I’ll let you know.”
three
He was on the back patio, sock feet on the table, phone pressed to his ear. I watched him, thinking about how much had changed since the last time I watched him on that chaise, talking to Jessica on the phone. I’d left without saying goodbye. How long ago was that? A little over two months? Leaving without saying goodbye again would be unforgivable.
I slid the door, the change in pressure making a clack. He looked up, and when he saw me, he waved me outside. He’d hung up by the time I reached him.
“My lawyer slash sister,” he said, holding out his hand. I took it but sat in the chair, swinging my legs over the arm.
“That sounds awkward.”
He laughed. “You have no idea. And don’t get too comfortable, because she wants to meet you.”
“When?”
“Now.”
“It’s Saturday.”
“Lawyers don’t get weekends. She has no kids or husband, so she works.”
I sighed. I wanted to spend the next hours soothing myself with his body, trying to rub away feeling manipulated and used. My disappointment must have been evident, because Jonathan pulled me up, wrapping his arms around me.
“I owe you. I know,” he said.
“Fine.”
Lil drove. Apparently, we were headed out to Beverly Hills. Traffic was pretty terrible, even for a weekend. Jonathan and I sat in the back seat. I had a leg hitched on the seat so I could face him. He leaned in my direction but faced forward.
“Are you going to wait for your sister to debrief me? And which one is this?”
“This is Margie. She’s the oldest. She’s very straightforward. I think you’ll like her.”
“And she’s going to tell me everything in legalese, because you won’t say a word about getting picked up at the airport and put into a police car while smiling like your Mirandas were a big joke.”
“I was smiling for your benefit.” He took my hand, weaving our fingers together. “I didn’t want you to worry.”
“I’m worried. Very worried. I was sick to my stomach until the cops came and told me what happened.”
“Which was false.”
“Then I was worried about you and mad at the same time. So, fail. And stop avoiding.”
He leaned his head back and looked out the window.
“Is it bad?” I asked.
“We don’t know. We’ve got radio silence from my ex-wife.” He sat up and faced me. “The prosecutor’s going to want to talk to you.”
“I’ll tell them the same thing I told the cops.”
“I don’t want you to think lying’s going to protect me.”
We just stared at each other for a few seconds, maybe more. It felt like forever and not long enough before I had to break it. He put his fingertips to my cheek, brushing his thumb on my lower lip. His hands were magical, igniting a fire, touching a fuse that ran to the core between my legs by way of my heart.
“I know you have lying in you,” I said.
“My lies are all white.”
“Flake white.”
“The brightest, most guilt-free of the whites.”
“And the one so toxic it’s illegal.”
A smile curled one side of his mouth. “I’m not lying about Jessica or about anything that matters.”
“Who decides what matters?”
His hand slid off my throat and down my chest, resting on my sternum. “You matter. We matter. I haven’t touched another woman since I had you at the Loft Club. Monica, it’s you. Being with you is all I can think about. It’s all I want. We are bound. I can’t be unfaithful to you any more than the sky can be unfaithful to the sea.”
“Nice words.”
“Your nipples are hard.” He brushed them with the backs of his fingers. “Your body won’t deny what your mind fights.”
“If I decide to b
elieve you, understand I know there are things you’ve lied about.”
“Such as?” He drew a nail over my nipple, the fabric like Teflon, letting it slide across. My lips parted.
“I don’t believe Kevin got picked up just because,” I said.
He pinched my nipple hard, giving a little twist. My back arched.
“Who cares?” he whispered.
“I do. About the truth.”
He put his hand under my skirt. I was a little sore from the hate fuck in his living room, but my wet lips fluttered under his touch.
“Open your legs.”
I did, and he hitched up my dress until it gathered just under my breasts. He placed my heels on the seat until my underwear was the only thing between me and his eyes.
“The truth, Monica,” he said, putting his thumb lightly on my clit, using my juices to slide over the skin. “The truth is that I love you. The rest is unnecessary complication.”
“I disagree.” But I was lost. It didn’t matter if I agreed or not. I wanted some part of his body to rub against me. He flicked my engorged clit, and my breath hitched with the pain and pleasure.
“You won’t.” He took a small box from his pocket, opened it, and plucked my diamond navel bar from its velvet bed. He kissed between my legs, over my underwear, breathing on my clit to make it warm and receptive. His lips traveled to my naked navel, which he kissed gently. “You belong to me. That means I take care of you. Your body and your heart.” He slid the navel bar through the piercing. “That means I’m committed to your happiness. And it means there is no other woman.” He slid the smaller diamond cap on top, sealing the gem to me. “I don’t share. And you don’t have to either. You have to trust me.”
“I can’t.”
“It’s a choice. Make it.” He slid to his knees before me and slipped his fingers under my panties. I lifted my butt, and he pulled them off. His tongue ran from my knee to my thigh. When his tongue found my folds, I thought I’d burst.
“Oh...” I put my fingers in his hair.
He looked up and said, “Hands under your ass.”
I sat on them.
