by Ashley Erin
Before I know what’s happening, his hand is wrapping around the back of my neck pulling me toward him as he whispers, “Okay.”
His lips crush against mine, our tongues stroking each other as we moan. His free hand snakes around my waist, pulling me into him. I lose myself into his kiss, the way he takes control and gives me everything I’ve been craving. My entire body thrums with the force of emotions running through my body.
I run my hands through his hair, relishing in how right the strands feel between my fingers. Everything in me is lost in him, until my phone chimes from my coat. Brendan’s text tone.
Yanking myself away, I close my eyes in shame. What have I done?
“Allie—” Landon’s voice is rough, low, and it makes me want to kiss him all over again.
“I can’t.” Shoving to my feet, I stumble across the room and throw my coat on, tears burning as they beg to be released. Turning to Landon, I shake my head when he starts to speak. “Please, don’t apologize. I just, I need to go. I’ll text you later.”
Before he has a chance to stop me, I’m out the door and in my car. I brush my fingers over my swollen, tingling lips.
There is no forgiving what I just did. Something I promised myself I wouldn’t do to another person. I thought I had learned my lesson the last time, especially since I was the one who was left broken. I can’t even blame Landon for it. I said those words knowing it would trigger him, because that’s exactly how our first kiss happened.
Taking a deep breath, I open Brendan’s text.
Brendan: I’ve been thinking about you all day. I wanted to talk to you about something when you get home.
My stomach feels sick as I drive away from Landon, knowing I need to talk to Brendan too, but I doubt what he has to say comes even close to what I need to tell him, because I need to be honest. After what just happened, I can’t put off ending things.
Pausing outside our door, I try to prepare myself for what I’m about to do, but there is no possible way I’m ready for this. I know I need to do it. I know he deserves someone who loves him and is tied to him in the way two people bound together should.
I take a deep breath, filling my lungs and holding the air until it hurts, before releasing it and opening the door.
I look up, Brendan is approaching me with a glass of wine and a hopeful smile. I start taking my coat off, his hands helping me, before he leans down to kiss my neck. I freeze, my heart cracking underneath the feelings of loss and guilt.
Turning, I look up at him and I know he sees it. He sees how red and puffy the skin around my eyes is. He sees the glassy sheen of unshed tears. And he sees the look of decision and sadness.
Opening my mouth, I freeze when Brendan starts backing away, his hands up, his head shaking. “No. No, no, no, no.”
A tear falls down my cheek, his eyes tracking its glistening path until it stops at the corner of my mouth. Ignoring the wine, I follow him into the condo, reaching out to take his hand. The tiniest weight lifts when he lets me take it and I lead him to the couch.
We sit next to each other in silence, the words I need to say are heavy in the air. He knows exactly what’s coming, I think a part of him even knew this morning. I couldn’t bring myself to fake being happy when I knew I was going to do this eventually. I swallow the lump in my throat and wipe my tears away, only to have my vision blurred with more. Neither of us is ready for this, but it’s necessary, for both of us.
“I can’t do this anymore. Us, it’s not working and it hasn’t been for a while now.” I choke out the words, watching as his face cracks and he starts to shake his head in denial.
“We can get through this.” His voice is a whisper. “There isn’t anything that we can’t work through. That’s all we need, we just need to put in the work.”
Dropping my head into my hands, my head moving side to side as I voice the words I know will crush him, the words I promised myself I would never have to say. “I kissed Landon.” My voice cracks, breaks as sobs wrack my body when I look up to meet his gaze head on. He deserves to have that. I won’t hide from him. “I’m so sorry, it just happened, tonight. It’s the first time we’ve crossed the line.”
“Okay.” His response isn’t what I expected, neither is the monotone tone of voice. It carries no feeling, no surprise or anger. No emotion.
“I stopped it and left. Even if we hadn’t kissed, I’ve felt for a while that things haven’t been right between us, that something’s missing. I just can’t ignore it anymore. It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to us, and it’s not fair to me.” Wringing my hands together, I try to maintain some level of composure, but my heart hurts.
Things with Brendan aren’t working, but I still love him and the knowledge that I’m hurting him, it’s the worst feeling.
He reaches for me and pulls me into his lap. I lean into his hand when he cups my cheek, closing my eyes as he brushes a tear away. “I’ve felt it too. I just didn’t want to admit it.”
I nod, unsurprised by his admission. There’s no sense in pretending that things haven’t been the best between us on the intimacy front. We’ve felt more like roommates with the occasional benefits than a real, head over heels couple.
“It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. We can work through this, we can find what’s missing. Fix it.” He slides his hands down my arms and grips my elbows as he pleads with me, unwilling to fully let go even knowing things aren’t working.
We’ve been together for six years, neither of us can imagine not seeing each other every day, I know it would be easy to let the comfort and safety of our relationship keep us here.
“I love you too—I just—I don’t think it’s the right kind of love. And I think the past couple of years culminating in what happened tonight, it feels like we’re forcing something to be more than what it is. You’re my best friend, Brendan. I love you. But I think if you look deep into your heart, you know I’m right when I say that this feels like an inevitable conclusion.” My voice is quiet, I can feel the strain in my face, the tension is making my entire body tremble. I look into his eyes, searching. “I think we’re both so comfortable, the idea of starting over scares us and that’s where the urge to make this into what it isn’t comes from.”
Grunting, he tilts his head back, his eyes squeezed shut as he fights the urge to cling to our comfort zone.
I bury my face into his neck, wrapping my arms around him. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.” He holds me close, using each other so we don’t fall apart. “How did we get here?” He sounds defeated, heartbroken.
I laugh through my tears before pulling back to wipe my eyes. “I don’t know. I guess we both didn’t want to admit that we’re better as friends, that maybe we were trying for something that wasn’t there. At least not for the long run.”
Sighing, he tucks my hair behind my ear. He squeezes the back of his neck before eyeing me warily. “Landon?”
I shake my head, gnawing on my lower lip before releasing it to give him a small smile when he runs his thumb over it. “I need some time to just be me. I can’t deny that the feelings are there. I won’t lie about that, but I’m not going to jump from this to that. I feel like it would be disrespectful to what we had.”
Sliding off his lap and I get up to grab both of our glasses of wine, settling in next to him. The knot in my chest loosens as we talk, figuring out what comes next. For the first time in over six years, we don’t really know what tomorrow brings.
Linking my fingers through his, I squeeze. “We’ll work through this together. If we’re good at anything, it’s helping each other through the tough times.”
“Friends always, right?” He gives me a small smile.
I return it, a bit of the heaviness lifting from my chest as my eyes fill again, this time with a little bit of hope. “Always.”
My phone rings shortly after eleven. I’ve been driving my brothers nuts with my pacing so their collective sighs of relief when they see Allie’s name on the scr
een isn’t a surprise.
Josh tosses me my phone. My thumb is shaking as I swipe to answer.
“Allie.” Clearing my throat when her name comes out on a croak, I shut myself in my room and sit on the floor with PeeWee. He hasn’t left my side since I walked in the door.
My heart starts pounding when I can hear Allie sniffling on the other end of the phone. In the background I also hear Brendan, it sounds like he’s talking to someone. He’s a little muffled, but his voice sounds off from the other times I’ve interacted with him.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that kiss. It held so much power, the feeling of her lips on mine was so right, but the timing was terrible.
“Landon.” Allie’s voice is hoarse, barely a whisper. “Today has been—challenging. I know you want to talk about what happened earlier, but I need some time to figure things out and get a semblance of normal back into my life.”
A crushing feeling washes over me as I tilt my head back to look at the ceiling. Kissing her was a mistake, one I knew she would regret, and yet I couldn’t help myself. How could I put her in that position?
“Allie, I’m so—”
“Please, don’t apologize for it. Please.” The sound of Brendan’s voice fades and I hear the soft click of a door shutting. “It helped me realize a lot of things. Things I had already started to work out. I just need some time. Time to evaluate and time without distractions. I know it’s hard to understand right now, but I need you to accept that I need a break to clear my head.”
Tears prick at the back of my eyes. Knowing this is what Allie felt like seven years ago tears me apart and she’s being much kinder than I was. “How long?”
“I can’t give you that answer.” Her voice is laced with pain and regret. I know she hates doing this over the phone, but I also know she’s aware I probably wouldn’t let her go if it was in person. I know because that was how I felt seven years ago.
“Whatever you need. I’m willing to do it. Just . . . promise me this isn’t goodbye.” I squeeze my eyes shut, just listening to the sound of her on the other end of the line. Holding my breath as I wait.
“It isn’t, I promise.” Her voice is whisper soft. “Goodnight, Landon.”
She hangs up before I can respond. Pulling PeeWee into my arms, I hold him close as I try to prevent myself from calling her back.
What does this mean? Obviously she was at home with Brendan. Are they together? Did she tell him? Where does that leave my friendship with Allie? I hate this limbo I’ve been thrust into. I like to think of myself as a guy who has his shit together. At least I was until I crashed into Allie. She made me realize how much was missing from my life and how badly I want it back.
Now I’ve gone and potentially screwed my chances when I promised her we would be able to stay platonic.
Staring down at my cell, I wonder when I will get to hear her voice again.
Mid-December
Locking up my clinic, I check my phone for missed notifications. An endless stream of texts from my brothers in our group chat, a few news updates, and several new work emails, despite the fact I shut down my computer less than thirty minutes ago. That’s it.
It’s been two weeks since Allie said she needed time to work through stuff. I wish I knew what that meant. This feeling of being in limbo is frustrating, and something I would never have tolerated in the past—but this is Allie.
The little man appears telling me it’s safe to walk, so I cross the street and make my way into the pub to meet Kellan and Josh for a drink. They wave from a booth in the back, partially hidden by a pillar in the middle of the room. Smiling in gratitude when I see I have a cold drink waiting for me, I slide in next to Kellan and take a big gulp.
Josh and Kellan eye me as the big drink turns into downing the entire glass in one go.
They both raise their eyebrows, Josh chuckling, “Long day?”
“That’s an understatement. My ten o’clock no showed. My eleven o’clock went off-roading, despite a severe back injury from rolling a quad, and then proceeded to bitch and complain about how much he hurt. My two o’clock wasn’t wearing underwear with a very short skirt, she has a knee injury, so I got a flash of her vagina that looked like it should play a starring role in seventies porn with every exercise. My four o’clock sneezed in my face, while I was talking so it went right in my mouth. And my six o’clock had something for lunch that didn’t agree with him, and he was an endless stream of gas.” My tone is dry and I grow even more exhausted just repeating everything that happened today.
My brothers aren’t bothering to hide their laughter as another beer is set in front of me. This one I intend to enjoy, but today was a clusterfuck of awful and that first one helped take the edge off just a little.
“You’re the one that wanted to go to school for a stupidly long time to do a job where you have to touch people. This is what you get.” Josh shrugs with a smirk, his lack of sympathy expected.
He co-owns an auto repair shop with his best friend and they have a woman hired specifically to deal with the customers so they don’t have to.
Kellan can empathize a little more, he’s a high school counselor, so while he doesn’t get hands on he deals with the raging hormones of teenagers.
“It’s a full moon out. At least that’s what our admin assistant told me when I came in this morning.” Kellan grimaces. “I think it brings out the crazy in people. I had two girls who are usually best friends trying to pull each other’s hair out today. And every teacher was talking about how off the handle their students were.”
The smirk on Josh’s face as we both wallow falls when he glances at the door.
“Shit.” He shoots a look at me, concern etched onto his forehead.
Kellan and I glance over and the air rushes out of my lungs. Brendan is holding a chair out as Allie sits down. Doing the same for her friend Dawn.
They don’t bother looking around the pub, and our booth is partially hidden from them anyway, giving me the ability to watch mostly unseen.
My chest aches as I watch Allie smile at Brendan as he takes the seat next to her, but they’re seated about a foot apart. That’s strange. I watch closely as the three of them chat. She looks happy, but I know Allie. I see the shadows under her eyes and the extra wideness to her grin which means she’s forcing it.
I can feel both my brothers’ eyes on me as I watch Dawn hand over some papers. Allie signs three pages and so does Brendan before passing them back and watching Dawn sign them too. She folds a copy, putting it in an envelope and passing it to Allie, before doing the same for Brendan. They look like formal documents, but for what?
Gripping the edge of my seat, I ignore Kellan’s attempt to draw my attention away from them. I can’t tear my eyes away from Allie.
I miss her and it’s taking every bit of my willpower not to get up and go talk to her. Time seems to freeze and blur by all at the same time, until Allie gathers her purse and stands up. She hugs Dawn, says something to Brendan, and then she’s out the door.
“Dude. You can stop staring like a lovestruck teenager.” Josh shoves my beer toward me so I can take another drink.
“Is it normal for them not to show affection and then leave separately?” Kellan asks curiously. “Like they barely made eye contact and they were sitting so far apart, their friend could have almost fit between them.”
“No. Brendan always came across as an affectionate guy the few times I met him.” He always had a hand on a hip or a smile just for her. So, what’s going on? I want to text Allie to find out, but I know I need to respect her need for distance.
We glance back over to where Brendan’s still seated with Dawn. She’s laughing at something he said and it doesn’t look like they’re planning on packing it in any time soon.
“That chick clearly has it bad for him.” Kellan points out as she leans her elbows onto the table, her fingers in her hair.
Picking up my beer, I take a sip before returning my attention t
o the table across the bar. The wheels in my head are turning as I contemplate what could be happening in Allie’s life. A spark of hope igniting as I glance back at Dawn and Brendan.
My brothers draw my attention back to the reason we’re sitting here today. Kellan finally found a house and put in an offer. He moved in with us “temporarily” three years ago, but could never find what he wanted in his price range.
By the time he’s shown us photos and told us his possession date, another hour has passed and the table across the room is now empty.
Glancing down at my phone when we’re leaving the pub, I sigh when there are no messages from Allie.
“You’re making me sick, man. She said she needed time, so stop stalking your phone and go about your business. If you love her, trust her enough to come to you when she’s worked through whatever it is she’s dealing with. At that point you can figure your shit out.” Josh elbows me in the ribs, rolling his eyes.
He’s right. I know it. It’s hard to reconcile the rational part of my brain with the emotional one that has decided to rear its ugly head.
When I get home, I snap on PeeWee’s leash and head back out the door. He’s been getting walked more than usual lately. It’s a great distraction.
My gut tells me that Allie and Brendan aren’t together anymore, but then why hasn’t she contacted me? Maybe she’s decided she doesn’t want either of us. It hurts knowing that by kissing her, I may have not only ruined their relationship, but ours as well.
PeeWee sniffs along, oblivious to my inner turmoil. I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted a clean slate. She has no reason to trust me with her heart.
Sighing, I turn to head back home. Allie said she wasn’t saying goodbye. I just need to trust her, even if not knowing what’s going on is driving me crazy.
Brendan and I stand side by side in the empty space that used to be our home. It sold remarkably fast, which is a blessing. We packed up our life in three days. Today is moving day, it’s heavy with the sadness of an end while also mixed with the tentative excitement of a new beginning.
