by Ashley Erin
I scroll through photos of adorable cats, trying to find the right one. I’ve always wanted a cat, but Brendan is allergic so I could never adopt one. Now that I’m completely settled into my apartment and have established a new routine, I’m ready to open my home to one. I don’t want to come home to an empty house anymore, so I can’t wait to adopt a feline companion.
I’m looking for close to an hour when I finally find the one. He’s a four-year-old black cat that’s been with the rescue for three and a half years. His eyes are sad and my heart aches for him. Clicking on his photo to “learn more,” I read through his profile and find my heart breaking even more.
He was thrown out of a vehicle in the middle of January when he was just a kitten. People saw it happen and tried to catch him, but he was too skittish so they called the animal rescue. They were able to catch him, but not before he lost the tips of his ears and tail to frostbite. That combined with some neurological damage from the impact, he’s considered a special needs cat. Many people have come to meet him, but since he’s standoffish and takes a long time to trust no one has wanted to bring him home.
He’s the one, this cat that they’ve named Blade.
Clicking on the application, I fill out the extensive form. My fingers shake as I submit it, hoping that they feel I’m an appropriate home for him.
I pick up my phone when it pings, flipping it over and pausing when I see that Brendan has replied to my text message.
Brendan: Thanks, Allie.
He continues to type for several minutes, the little conversation bubble appearing and disappearing several times before another message pops up.
Brendan: I need to apologize for acting like an asshole. I was just missing you so much and lashed out because I knew you would let me. I know that breaking up was the right thing to do, but it took me a while to realize part of the void I was feeling was needing to rediscover myself. It took me a while to figure out what I want in my life.
A weight lifts off my shoulders as I read this. It didn’t sit well having him be so angry with me. It’s the last thing I wanted and the pain knowing I was the cause of him being so destroyed has made me feel slightly sick every day.
Me: I understand. It hasn’t been easy for me, either. I went from living in the dorms to living with you, it’s been lonely.
There’s a lengthy pause before he starts typing again.
Brendan: I know I don’t have the right to ask, but what about Landon?
Me: I still haven’t talked to him.
Brendan: Oh. Why?
Me: Bren, we were together for six years, it didn’t feel right. Besides, I’ve also needed this time to figure out who I am and who I want to be. If I’m being honest, it scared me to jump from something with you right to something with him. It would be like this cloud was hanging over anything that might have happened and I don’t want that.
Brendan: Do you think he’s waiting?
It’s weird to be talking about this with Brendan, but I can’t help but confide in him. After six years not having him as a sounding board has been a challenging adjustment. Not to mention his question is one that has crossed my mind. It’s been four months since we’ve spoken, maybe he thinks I backed out on my promise and moved on.
Me: If he didn’t then I guess we know it wouldn’t have worked out.
We chat for a few minutes longer, moving to more trivial conversation before saying goodbye.
Several hours later, I’m sitting in the parking lot outside Landon’s physical therapy practice. It’s five minutes until he locks the doors and only his car is in the parking lot. Running my hands over my thighs, I turn my car off and grab my purse.
The beep of the lock makes me jump. Laughing at myself, I shake my head and take the fifteen steps to the front door. The bell chimes as I push it open, Landon’s voice carrying out from his office.
“I’ll be right with you.”
The next minute drags as I sit down to wait, bolting upright when Landon comes out of his office, eyes scanning a piece of paper in his hand.
“I’m afraid we’re closing right now, but I can book you—” His tone is professional as he continues to scan the document he’s carrying. He looks up, pausing when he sees me standing in the entrance.
“Hey.” My voice is soft. I can’t help but scan his body, drinking in the sight of him. He looks so good, his hair tousled from running his fingers through it. God, I’ve missed him. Unlike when he ended things with me, this time I let myself think about him. Constantly.
“Hey.” His voice is low and a little hoarse, eyes devouring me before he locks his gaze onto mine. “I was starting to think I would never hear from you again.”
Taking a tentative step toward him, I lick my lips and clear my throat. It’s taking everything I have not to leap into his arms. It’s been awful not talking to him, leaving him in the dark, but I knew if I told him about the breakup I would’ve been more likely to give in to the temptation of reaching out.
“I know. I’m sorry.” Taking another step toward him, I continue, “The night we kissed, I went home and ended things with Brendan.” I try to keep my voice steady, calm, but inside I’m a quivering mess.
Landon inhales sharply, his blue eyes locked on me. We stare at each other and I know he’s waiting for me to fill in some blanks.
“I needed the time because we had to sell our condo. I had to find a new place and move, and I needed to be on my own for a while. You tend to cloud my mind and I needed to show Brendan, and myself, that our breakup was for a myriad of reasons, not just because of how I feel about you.”
Stepping forward again, I stop once there is a foot of space between us.
“I don’t know if you’re—”
“I am.” He closes the distance, placing one hand on my hip and weaving the other into my hair.
He bends, brushing his lips against mine. Soft. Slow. Teasing.
Sliding my arms around his neck, I press my body into his and deepen the kiss. I can feel our hearts pounding in sync. Some of the same desperation from that night lingers, but this kiss holds the promise of more. The opportunity to rediscover what we had. My hands tremble where they run through his hair as he slowly pulls back.
My eyes flutter open, meeting his intense gaze.
“I’m sorry I took so long.” My words are a whisper, my heart rampaging in my chest at finally being able to be with him in the way I’ve been dreaming of.
“Do you have plans for dinner?” His voice sends tremors down my spine, thick with want, but he pulls away and puts some distance between us.
Shaking my head, I watch as he goes through the process of closing before taking my hand and leading me out. He locks up, rests his hand on my lower back, and guides me to his car.
I watch him as he gets in the driver’s seat and starts navigating his way through traffic. He has dark circles under his eyes that I didn’t notice at first, his face covered in rough stubble, longer than he normally keeps it.
“I can feel you watching me.” His lips twitch as he glances over at me before redirecting his gaze back to the road and changing lanes.
Biting back a smile, I shrug. “I can’t help it. It’s nice being able to check you out without being flooded by guilt.” Pausing, I try to find the right words to ask him about how weary he looks. I like the scruff, but the bags under his eyes worry me. “You look tired, still sexy, but tired.”
He parks the car in front of a tiny burger joint before angling his body to look at me. “Work has been exhausting lately. I’m ready for a long overdue vacation.”
He fills me in as we sit down, running his hand over his jaw as he goes over some of the interesting clientele he’s been dealing with.
“I bet it makes you miss me, huh?” My grin falls when I see a hint of sadness flash through his eyes.
“I’ve missed you for different reasons than you being an easy client to deal with.” His voice is gruff and I know part of the reason behind the shadows is the silen
ce he endured from me.
Dropping my eyes to the scarred table top, I try to put myself in his shoes. Despite how painful and abrupt it was, he gave me a clean break. I left him in limbo and he patiently, or maybe not so patiently, waited for me to let him know what was happening.
“I know.” My voice holds the burden of everything that’s happened. This transition has been painful for everyone. I’m not sure how we could have managed it any differently, but I hate the weight of sadness he carries.
Before I can continue, the server comes to take our order. Landon doesn’t take his eyes off me as he orders a loaded cheeseburger. Quickly scanning the menu, I pick a grilled chicken burger.
Reaching across the table, I link my fingers with his and hold his gaze. “I realize it wasn’t exactly fair to leave you in limbo. I wasn’t really thinking clearly, I just knew that I needed to have a clean break with Brendan. I guess in my weird logic I felt that telling you what was going on would’ve been too great a temptation.”
“And did you? Did you have a clean break with Brendan?” His eyes are intense as he watches me.
Licking my lips, I nod once before shaking my head. “We’re done and it will stay that way, but we’ve talked. Our breakup was cordial—until it wasn’t. Today was cordial again. He asked about you, us, what was happening there. I told him the truth. Brendan was a part of me for six years, it’s as clean as possible when you lived with someone . . . loved someone for that long.” I try to maintain a neutral tone, but I know some of the sadness I feel over the end of my six-year relationship lingers in the words.
Landon breathes out a sigh. “I never thought about it that way. I’ve never loved someone other than you, even though I tried with Melissa. After I met you I realized that there was something missing there. I loved parts of her, of us, but it wasn’t actual love.”
“I know this is hard for you to hear, but I love Brendan. I’m just not in love with him. My feelings are stronger for you, we were in love.” Leaning forward, I look at him, pleading for him to understand. “That being said, we can’t jump in right where we left off.”
Just thinking about how we did things last time makes me feel sick. I press on, my voice strong. “Our relationship started off on the wrong foot and even if you would have ended things with Melissa like you had planned, I think the weight of how we began would have crushed us at some point.” I study him, his expression is serious, intent on what I’m saying. “We need to do this right this time. Take things slow. I want to get to know you again without the guilt of sneaking around. No secrets. No hiding. We need to fall in love all over again and this time do it with nothing holding us back.”
His gaze pierces into me as he pushes up and leans across the table to brush his lips over mine. “I know. I don’t want this to get screwed up again.”
Allie looks at me, confusion written across her face. The building we’re standing outside of is a non-descript brick building that has seen better days. Some of the bricks have crumbled away, leaving holes in the walls, and there is someone sleeping in the stoop of a side door.
“Ummm, I know you wanted to surprise me, but this place is a little sketchy.” Allie takes my hand, smiling at me as I lead her inside.
The door creaks open to a shadowy entrance. A staircase is immediately to the right and on the left is a long hallway with the lights flickering. It really is something out of a horror movie.
The scent of jasmine greets us as I lead Allie into the building. The further down the hall we go the more confused she gets, especially once we start to hear the music. It’s faint at first but as we get closer to our destination it grows louder.
We finally enter the studio. Selena is dancing to the rhythmic music she has blaring in the background. Her shimmery belly dance costume flowing around her. The smooth sway of her hips is mesmerizing as she moves to the beat. Every step, every motion is graceful and smooth.
Allie and I watch her, speechless, until the song is over.
“Welcome! Please take off your shoes, grab a hip scarf, and we will begin.” Selena smiles at us before finding a song on her iPod.
“Are we taking a lesson?” Allie’s eyes are shining with excitement. “I’ve always wanted to try it but didn’t have the nerve.”
“Well then, let’s try this out.” I grin. I remember her saying she wanted to try it years ago, I’m glad it still appeals to her.
Selena goes over some beginner moves. Figure eights, hip shimmy’s, and a bunch of other flowy moves that I love watching Allie master. She has a natural talent, her movements smooth and mesmerizing. Compared to her, I look like a robot, but I practice right along with her. I want this to be something we do together, not something I just watch her enjoy.
“It’s official, I have no rhythm.” I laugh at myself as I try to mimic the intricate footwork along with what we’re supposed to be doing with our hips and arms.
Allie laughs, her hips and feet moving in unison while her arms arc in a graceful pattern. “If it’s any consolation, there aren’t that many male belly dancers so you’re not the only one who struggles.”
“That or they’re not man enough to try it.” I flex my biceps while making a face, drawing a laugh from her again as she shakes her head. She’s always felt that it’s sexier when men don’t feel the need to flaunt their muscles.
“Oh God, that was super douchey.” She rolls her eyes, following Selena’s transition into the next move flawlessly.
Over the first half of the lesson, Selena focuses on teaching us the dance moves before moving into a basic routine. We have an absolute blast, Allie laughing as I try to remember the moves and the order in which we’re supposed to do them. Selena grins as we tease each other, allowing us our fun while still teaching us.
By the time we finish, Allie is glowing with happiness.
“You’re a natural.” Selena takes the hip scarves we borrowed from her, folding them as she addresses Allie. “I have a beginner class every Tuesday at eight. It’s full, but if you’re interested there is a spot for you.”
She hands Allie her card.
“Thank you, Selena. We had a great time.”
Allie tucks the card away, looking longingly into the studio one last time before we head to the car.
Before I can open her door, she puts a hand on my chest and pushes me until my back hits the metal. My hands find her hips as she presses into me, lifting onto her toes to brush her lips against mine.
“That was so much fun! Thank you for such an incredible and thoughtful date.” She tilts her chin up, her hand wrapping around my neck as she kisses me again. There is nothing soft about this kiss. I can feel her hand shaking as I deepen the kiss, taking control.
Until now, we haven’t pushed for anything too physical. Allie wants to take things slow, which I respect, but this kiss holds the promise of what’s to come. Every bit of need I feel for her is being channeled into the way my lips move against hers. The torture at being away from her for over seven long years escapes in the moans I can’t control.
Our breathing is erratic when we part, Allie’s lips wet and swollen. Her pupils are blown as her chest heaves, her hands still wrapped around me.
I push away from the car when she steps back, opening her door for her. “Dinner?”
She nods, sliding into the passenger seat. Shutting the door, I adjust myself as I walk around the car. My head knows we need to wait, my body hasn’t quite gotten the memo yet.
We settle on a quaint Greek restaurant, the low lighting and secluded booths perfect for a romantic dinner. After we order, I smile at Allie and lean in. This is our first official date and it’s long overdue.
“I’m so glad we’re finally doing this right.” She tucks her hair behind her ear, smiling at me. There is nothing hanging over us this time, and the difference in her is palpable.
“I was just thinking the same thing.” I smile back, but I can’t help the influx of guilt that surges through me. I’ve never done right by Allie. W
hen we first started seeing each other, it was stolen moments and sneaking around. Then I pushed her when she told me she didn’t want to do the same thing to Brendan. This is my chance to make it right. Do things properly. The timing is finally lining up and I’ll do whatever it takes to make her happy.
“So, I was thinking . . .” I wait, smiling as she pauses in folding the napkin into a swan. “You’ve always wanted to go zip-lining, now that spring’s here and the snow is almost gone, we should plan a trip to the mountains. I found this amazi—” I stop when she flushes, her lips dropping into a frown. “What?”
She looks up at me and I’m stunned to see a sheen to her eyes. Her words are whispered, but they feel loud to me. “Brendan took me on our first date. It was our anniversary tradition.”
The server comes at that moment to bring us our food. Everything looks and smells delicious, but I’m still frozen, unable to appreciate the tasty looking dishes in front of us.
Allie looks up at me, her eyes betraying her worry that I’m upset. And I am, just at myself. It’s another example of something I missed out on for making the wrong choice. Something I missed out on because of my naivety. The past is the past, and hindsight is always twenty-twenty. It’s time to move forward. We have a ton of firsts ahead of us, it doesn’t matter that her first time zip-lining wasn’t with me.
“It makes sense that you would’ve gone. Who waits seven years to try something they want to do so badly?” I reach across the table and take her hand. “Maybe we could still go. I’ve never tried it, and I did find this amazing place in the mountains. You ride a gondola to the top of a peak and you zip-line down a series of lines until you’re back at the chalet.”
