by Linda Grimes
I know. The words spilled out of me, surfing a tsunami of guilt and fear.
There was a crash. James and I jerked our heads around to see Devon, mouth open, tea tray at his feet, broken china scattered, and steaming liquid spreading in puddles. The delicate aroma of grassy citrus hit me, and I burst into tears for the second time that day.
* * *
“It was a completely understandable mistake. No one could possibly blame you,” Devon said, patting my hand.
The three of us were at the small kitchen table, James having decided the mess on the floor could wait until after the mess who was his sister was cleaned up. Knowing how difficult that must be for someone of his orderly nature made me feel even worse. But he’d insisted.
Devon had quickly brewed more tea. This time he’d served it in sturdy mugs. Guess he had a pragmatic side.
I’d completed, with great difficulty, my halting explanation of how I’d inadvertently mistaken Mark for Billy, under the tipsy assumption that Billy, well aware of my decade-long crush on Mark, had decided to help me get Mark out of my system by satisfying any lingering curiosity causing me to cling to an old fantasy. (Trust me. It had made perfect sense at the time.)
“I mean, who wouldn’t assume that?” Devon continued. “Right, James?” he prodded.
My brother still looked stunned, but was manfully trying to hide it from me. He nodded, probably wishing he’d never come to the gym that morning, longing no doubt for the test tubes and microscopes of his lab.
“Of course. Yes, perfectly normal assumption, I’m sure. Er, does Billy know?” he added delicately.
“That I might be pregnant? God, no. How can I tell him? He doesn’t even want kids!”
Devon handed me a tissue, which I automatically raised to my cheeks. Shit. This was all so stupid.
“I think what your brother was asking is if Billy knows about the, um, confusion with Mark.”
I blew my nose. “Oh. Yeah. Yes, of course he does. I wouldn’t keep a thing like that from him.”
James, still looking uncomfortable, said, “And Mark? Does he…?”
“Yes. He knows, too.” I looked from James to Devon and back again. Sighed. “To answer the question you’re both being too polite to ask, yes, they were both mad at me. But they got over it. Even—kind of—understood how it could happen.”
Devon smiled, a touch of his more familiar sauciness sparking in his eyes. “Well, as long as we’re being all open about things, why would Mark take you to bed if he knew you and Billy were together? Admittedly, I don’t know him well, but it doesn’t sound like him. He’s always struck me as stick-up-your-ass honorable, if you’ll pardon the expression.”
“Devon! Please,” James said. “Of all the things to ask.”
“What? It’s relevant. And you want to know, too, you know you do.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “Apparently, Mark’s feelings toward me have … evolved. He may have been under the impression I was reconsidering my relationship with Billy, and when I, um, kind of”—I couldn’t bring myself to say “threw myself at him”—“when I made my intentions for the evening known, he … gah, this is all so embarrassing. Damn it all to fucking hell!”
I threw my tissue down next to my mug. James handed me a fresh one. I took a deep breath and pushed forward.
“Look, I thought Billy and I were playing a game. You know, like those role-playing things you read about? Dress up like a pirate, put on a French maid’s outfit, that sort of thing, only more realistic.”
Devon stared at me, plainly fascinated. James, having grown up with adaptors, didn’t look the least surprised. Or shocked. So I plunged forward. There was hardly any point in stopping now.
“Billy had offered before to … I mean, he knew I hadn’t, well, sampled the dating pool as much as he had, and he never wanted me to feel like I’d deprived myself of, um, the normal amount of, er, experience … shit. I was a virgin before him, okay?” As if they hadn’t figured it out by now. “Billy offered—more than once—to provide me with any ‘variety’ I might someday want.” Okay, my face was officially on fire.
“Oh!” Devon said. “I remember now—I was there for your deflowering!”
“What?” James’s eyes bulged ominously.
My face, if anything, flamed even more.
Devon twisted his gorgeous lips at James. “Oh, stop. Not ‘there’ there. This was back when we were broken up. I’d dropped by, hoping to see you, and found your biometric lock still accepted my palm print. I thought it was an invitation of sorts. Imagine my surprise when I found it wasn’t you in your bedroom.”
I groaned. “Devon, you’re not helping.”
James looked like he was about to pop. “You … Billy … in my bed?”
“I washed the sheets after!” I said.
“Really, James, it was so sweet. Everything you’d want your sister’s first time to be. Not that I saw it all, of course”—the look on Devon’s face told me he’d seen enough—“but Billy was very tender with Ciel. I can see why she loves him.”
James was taking deep breaths. I thought I saw him counting under his breath. “All right. Fine. It’s my own fault for letting you and Billy and everyone else treat my home as your own. Let’s get on with the problem at hand, shall we?”
I took a gulp of tea that tasted like lawn clippings soaked in lemon juice, and tried to compose myself. “You should know I’m careful about birth control. There’s really no way I should even be pregnant. I use a patch, and they’re supposed to be very reliable. So I’m probably being stupid, right? Paranoid? Please say yes! Things are only now getting back to normal with Billy and Mark. If it turns out I’m … God, I don’t know what to do!”
James patted my arm, and settled into clinical scientist mode. “When was your last period?”
“Before the wedding. I think. No, I’m sure I haven’t had one since then.”
“How long before?”
“I don’t know. Before my Hollywood job, so maybe a few weeks?”
“In other words, you haven’t had a period for at least two months?”
“No,” I said, my voice sounding reedy. I cleared my throat. “No, I haven’t. But I’ve never been regular. It’s been better since I started using the patch—that’s why I started using it in the first place, the doctor said it should help even me out. Not because I needed it for … I mean, before Billy…”
Ugh. Why was holding on to your virginity for as long as I had humiliating? It was what worked for me at the time. I should own it and be proud. I lifted my chin and looked James in the eye. He gave me a brief smile and a nod. I’m pretty sure brothers don’t like to think of their sisters as having sex at all, so kudos to him for handling this as well as he was.
“Any other symptoms? Nausea, frequent urination, tender breasts?” James might have been a doctor himself, the way he sounded.
I nodded bleakly, looking down at my chest. Not huge, but my bra was definitely snugger than usual.
“Okay, then.” He reached for his keys.
“Where are you going?” I said, fighting back a touch of panic. Now that I’d unburdened myself, I kind of wanted him to keep holding my hand, and tell me everything was going to be all right.
Pathetic as it was to admit, I was conditioned from childhood to expect my big brothers could and would fix everything for me. It’s tough not to revert to baby-sister syndrome in a crisis. Which was probably why I’d spilled the beans the way I had. In a way, it was Pavlovian.
“To buy a pregnancy test. There’s no point in panicking until we know for sure what we’re dealing with.”
“But—wait!” I had a sudden urge to run away. Hell, even hopping a plane to somewhere, anywhere, didn’t sound half bad. As long as I didn’t know for sure I was pregnant, it might not be true. Which, of course, ran totally counter to my previous plan to get myself a test and take it as soon as I was alone. What can I say? There’s no accounting for panic.
James’s face sof
tened. “Listen, sis, there’s a good possibility this is all some sort of stress reaction to Laura’s announcement. You’re an adaptor. If, somewhere deep down inside, you’re worried you might be pregnant, then you could be mimicking her subconsciously.”
I relaxed. Somewhat. “You really think so?”
He hesitated. Then said, with what I hoped wasn’t forced confidence, “Yes. I do. But we have to be sure, don’t we?”
* * *
I wanted Devon to go to the store with James—some time to pull myself together would have been welcome—but James insisted he stay with me.
“One man buying a pregnancy test wouldn’t necessarily look strange—it would be assumed it was for his wife or girlfriend. Two men together might raise eyebrows,” he’d said.
After he left, Devon and I picked up shards of china and mopped, chatting about TV shows and movies until the floor dried.
“Do you think Herbert is hungry?” I said during a conversational lull. Anything to avoid more awkward questions.
Herbert was James’s chameleon. He’d started out as part of an experiment, but had quickly become a pet. His habitat took up one corner of the cozy living room, and gave the whole space a real indoor-outdoor vibe.
Devon shrugged. “It’s hard for me to tell. I’m better at reading dogs and cats.”
When he saw me approach his cage, Herbert stepped slowly and deliberately along one branch of the live tree that was his usual perch. Chameleons don’t have a lot of facial expression, but I thought he was glad to see me. Probably expected I was going to offer him a juicy mealworm from James’s stash, like I usually do whenever I come over, but this time I didn’t have the stomach for it. The thought of touching one of those squirming critters made me want to gag. If Herbert was hungry, he’d have to make do with one of the crickets already hopping around his cage.
“Listen, Ciel,” Devon said after a few minutes. “I know we got off to kind of a bumpy start, what with the way we first met and all, but I want you to know you can count on me. On my friendship, I mean.”
I studied his face. Saw the sincerity. “Thanks, Dev. That means a lot to me.”
“Look on the bright side. If you and Billy had let me into bed, you might have had another possible baby daddy in the mix. Think about it—you could be worrying about triplets right now.”
“What the—” I almost slugged him for implying I would have slept with him, but then I saw the naughty sparkle in his eyes, and started laughing so hard I had to sit down. “Damn, I was so mad at you then. Not only because of your rude proposition either. I thought you’d broken my brother’s heart.”
Devon, laughing himself, sat on the floor next to me. We both leaned back against Herbert’s cage. (Herbert twitched his tail and crawled back up his tree, apparently bored with us now that he knew mealworms were not on the menu.)
“I had, I’m afraid,” he said, reining in his laughter and sounding serious all of a sudden. “But I never will again.”
I gave him a sideways look. “Are you really bisexual, or do you only pretend to be because you enjoy being an equal opportunity object of lust?” I said. Hey, why should my private life be the only one being discussed intimately?
He laughed, but answered me seriously. “I really, truly am bi. But it doesn’t mean I love your brother any less. Listen, Ciel, none of us can help who we’re attracted to—we’re all wired how we’re wired. But the love we choose to commit to … that we can help. And I choose James.”
I nodded, part of me envying how simple he made it sound.
I heard the front door open, and hopped up. “There he is. Hey, James,” I hollered, “did you get it already? Did anybody look at you funny? I want stories!” Because if I didn’t start seeing a glimmer of humor in this situation, I was going to lose my mind.
But it wasn’t James. “Hey, cuz. Mark told me you might be here. Oh, hey, Dev. How’s tricks?”
Chapter 10
“Billy!” I said, and stared at him like a fool. “You’re back.”
He pulled me into his arms. “Very good, cuz. Got it in one. So, where’s James? More importantly, what’s he cooking for dinner?” He paused, holding me away from him. “Are you all right? Nothing else happened, did it?”
Crap. Billy could not be here when James got back.
“No. Nothing,” I said quickly.
“Does this mean you’ve found Ciel’s photographer?” Devon said, skillfully distracting Billy from me with a beer he’d procured from the fridge. James had explained the situation with Loughlin to him over breakfast. “Let’s celebrate, shall we?”
“Not quite yet, but Mark has more agents on it now, so I’m comfortable taking a short break. Cheers!” He clinked his bottle with Devon’s. “Where’s yours, Ciel?”
“Oh, I’ve already had plenty. Couldn’t drink another thing,” I said. Total truth. If he assumed I meant beer instead of tea, it wasn’t my fault. “And James isn’t cooking tonight. Maybe you and I could go out to eat. I’m sure James and Devon are tired of babysitting me.” I tugged Billy’s arm toward the door. “Bye, Dev. Thanks for today. It was fun!”
“Hold on a sec. Where’s James? I have something for him,” Billy said.
“He’s, uh…” My brain stalled out. Normally I’m proficient at avoiding outright lies, but nothing was coming to me.
“He’s running a few errands,” Devon said, smoothly catching the ball I was fumbling. “I’m afraid I dragged him—and Ciel, too, of course—all over hell and creation looking for Christmas presents. Of course, my dear absentminded professor totally forgot a few things on his list, so he had to run back out.” He pulled his phone out of his back pocket. “Here, I’ll text him that you’re here waiting, shall I?” He gave me a significant look.
Errands. Of course. Simple, true, and non-revealing. My head must truly be scrambled if I couldn’t come up with that. And texting James? Brilliant. I tried my best to convey my gratitude to Devon using only my eyes. He seemed to catch my drift, judging by the understanding curve of his gorgeous lips. I was going to have to find him a really great Christmas present, even if it meant more shopping.
“Um, yeah,” I said. “And you know James. Who knows when he’ll read Devon’s text? If he even remembered to take his phone with him. Wouldn’t surprise me if he stops by the lab while he’s out. No telling how long he’ll be. Maybe you better leave it for him. I’m sure Devon will see he gets it.”
“I need to get something from him, too.” Billy plopped down on the sofa, kicked his shoes off, and put his feet up on the coffee table. He patted the spot next to him. “We can wait a bit.”
I ignored his invitation to sit. “But I’m starving. Let’s go eat and swing by after, okay?”
“Kind of rude, isn’t it? Maybe James and Devon would like to join us for dinner.”
“No thanks,” Devon said without missing a beat. “I’m dieting for a beachwear job, and James is dieting with me to be supportive. But thanks for the offer.”
God. So smooth. I was going to have to make James propose to him so we could keep him in the family.
Billy looked from Devon to me. He picked up a shoe and started putting it back on. “Fine. Devon, I better go feed Ciel before she collapses from starvation. Tell James his sister has no patience whatsoever. Never mind, I’m sure he already knows—Ciel, I am perfectly capable of tying my own shoes. Have been since kindergarten.”
Oops. “I know. I’m hungry, is all. Hurry, okay?”
“Since when does James not have a full refrigerator?”
“It’s all diet stuff. Hideous, awful, yucky diet stuff.” I glanced at Devon, apologizing with my eyes. “Nobody with functioning taste buds could possibly choke it down.”
Devon nodded, dutifully keeping the grin off his face. “Ciel’s right. Good thing my taste buds lost all function when I became a model. It’s the only way to survive in this business.”
I yanked Billy up by one arm and dragged him toward the door. “See you later, Dev
. Thanks again for today. We’ll do it again soon. Tell James we’ll be back after we eat.”
“Jesus, cuz, slow down. Devon, stay inside when you’re not with James, all right? Just for tonight.”
“Why? Is the crazy stabber out to get all of us or something?” Devon asked, only mild concern in his voice.
Billy didn’t deny it. “We’ll talk more when we get back.”
Now Devon was concerned. “Wait a second—is James all right out there by himself?”
“Should be, yeah. He’s armed.”
“He’s what?” I said, and stopped tugging on Billy.
“Mark assured me you would be guarded. You don’t think he would have let you go shopping with James and Devon if one of them wasn’t armed, do you?”
“With what, a test tube?”
“Guess again.” He lifted his thumb and extended his index finger.
“James doesn’t own a gun.”
Billy’s dimples made a gotcha appearance. “And exactly how would you know, cuz?”
Damn it. I wasn’t about to admit to my inherent nosiness. I cleared my throat. “I’m sure he would have told me.”
“Right,” Billy said, and gave my hair a tug. “Don’t worry, your snooping—pardon me—sleuthing skills are in good working order. Mark slipped him a pocket pistol this morning, which I’m going to need back. I’ve got something else for him.”
“Well, I wasn’t worried before…” I said. “Can he even shoot?”
“Quite well, actually,” Billy said. “He was fascinated for a while with the science of weaponry, notably projectiles. We spent a lot of time together at the range while you were doing mundane things, like actually attending college classes.”
“Hmph. Mark could have given the gun to me. I’m good.”
“Which is why you’ll be getting it as soon as I retrieve it from James. It’s more your size anyway. Besides, I figure it’s only a matter of time before you slip the guards, being so inconveniently claustrophobic about such things,” he said with a wink.
He was right. I had a thing about being able to go when I wanted to.
