Her skin tightened at the thought, but she shook away the illicit images. It’d change the subject all right, but it’d be foolhardy.
And for what? To avoid a truth she didn’t want to face? To use Josh in an attempt to make herself feel better?
No! She thought too much of him to treat him like that.
She needed their friendship. If she lost it… She clenched her eyes shut and tried to rub away the pain that cramped her chest.
“Erin?”
She forced her eyes open and steeled her backbone. “You know when Dad left it really knocked Mum for a six?”
He nodded.
“It was as if her whole world had come crumbling down around her ears.”
“Yours had too,” he said quietly.
When Erin was twelve, her father had left her mother for another woman—someone younger and prettier. He’d relocated to Melbourne. Erin could count on one hand the number of times she’d seen him in the last fourteen years. The ensuing divorce had meant that their acreage on the outskirts of Belltrees had to be sold along with Erin’s beloved horse, Clancy.
Clancy had been her one source of consolation during that terrible time and she often thought that losing him had been worse than losing her father.
Josh reached across and gently clasped her forearm, pulling her back from the memories that still had the power to score her heart.
“I know it was a difficult time for the both of you.”
“A few weeks after we settled into the house where Mum is now…” She reached for a pretzel and crumbled it between her fingers.
“A few weeks after…?” he prompted.
“I woke up one night, thirsty, and went to get a glass of water. I found Mum standing over the kitchen sink tipping a bottle of pills into her hand.”
Josh swore.
“I knew they were sleeping pills. I knew she was contemplating taking them and never waking up.”
He rubbed a hand across his jaw. “What did you do?” he asked when she remained silent.
“I knocked on the wall so she’d know I was there.” She stared into her drink, remembering that night with a clarity that had been burned onto her brain. “She looked at me and I said, Please don’t do it. Please don’t leave me alone.” Erin had never been more afraid in her life than in that moment.
Josh reached out and took her hand. She clung to it, letting it anchor her to the present rather than the past.
“The despair in her eyes, Josh,” she whispered. “I’ll never forget it. I burst into tears. She threw the pills away.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “You’re frightened that if you leave, she’ll do something to hurt herself?”
That’s when she had to detach her hand from his and cover her face briefly. She hauled in a ragged breath, before pulling her hands into her lap. “No. I don’t think she’ll try to hurt herself. I…” She glanced at him. “Didn’t you ever wonder why I took those psychology classes when we were studying Vet Science?” They hadn’t been part of the curriculum.
“I just thought you had an interest in the area.”
She’d had an interest all right. “I don’t believe Mum is clinically depressed, but I’m not a trained psychologist either. Where mental heath is concerned I know one shouldn’t take risks. I spoke to your father about the possibility of depression about six weeks after she had her heart attack. He had an assessment done and he’s keeping an eye on that side of things too.”
“Okay. Good. That’s not something you should have to deal with on your own.”
“I’m not qualified to deal with it on my own.” She managed a smile. “I’ve done a lot of research. I know my mother’s mental health is bigger than me…that it’s not dependent on me. If she does have depression I know it’s not my fault.”
He pursed his lips. She took a sip of her Singapore Sling.
“If it’s not fear for your mother’s mental health, what’s making you stay?”
She drew a pattern in the condensation of her glass. “Before she threw those pills away she made me promise her something.”
His face went grim. “What did you promise?”
Erin’s throat ached. She had to swallow before she could speak. “She said that with Dad gone she’d be all alone. I threw myself at her and told her she had me. I promised she would always have me. She cried and said I’d leave her eventually for university, for marriage, for a life somewhere else.” Her heart pounded. “I was twelve. I couldn’t imagine those things so I said I’d never leave. Her face changed then and she stopped crying. She made me promise I’d always come back to her. That if she needed me, or needed someone to look after her, I’d be there for her.”
“You have been looking after her.”
“She wants me to become her fulltime carer. That’s how she thinks I should keep my promise to her.”
He shot forward in his seat. “Erin, that’s crazy!”
“While I still had Raggedy Ann, it was bearable.” She didn’t know how, but her dog had made all the difference. Animals were like that. Without Raggedy Ann… Erin shuddered.
“She had no right making you promise such a thing.” He swore. “You were just a kid. It was her job to look after you!”
He flung out an arm, his face darkening, and Erin’s heart stuttered in her chest. She wasn’t sure she’d ever seen him look so beautiful.
And he was beautiful. Masculine, virile and beautiful.
He slammed a finger to the table. “That’s not the kind of promise you have any business keeping. You were a minor and she emotionally blackmailed you. It’s not a promise you should be held accountable for.” His eyes flashed as he leaned towards her. “In my book, that’s a null-and-void promise.” He continued to glare at her. “Can’t you see how crazy it is?”
She stared into his face and just for a moment she saw her situation reflected in his eyes, all of her overcompensating and bending over backwards and turning herself inside out, and could no longer hide from the truth. Her heart thudded and her mouth dried. “It can’t keep going on.” For good or ill, whether it made her a bad person or not.
“You’re right about that!”
“I have to set some boundaries. I have to reclaim my life.”
“Exactly!”
She grabbed her drink and sipped. “She’s going to hate me.”
“She’ll come around.”
That’s what he thought.
He slumped in his chair. “Why has it taken you so long to reach this conclusion?”
She swallowed and uttered the words she’d never dared say out loud before. “Because I don’t like her, Josh.”
He stilled.
Did he think her an ungrateful monster? “I mean I love her. I was worried sick when she had her heart attack, but I don’t like her. She’s an awful person and I don’t enjoy spending time with her.” She swallowed. “You ask me what keeps me there—guilt.”
His lips turned white, the pulse at the base of his jaw pounded. “Not liking your mother doesn’t make you a bad person.”
Oh, really? She was the woman’s daughter for heaven’s sake!
“Eunice makes it impossible for people. And she has no one to blame but herself.”
“If I liked her more it’d be easier to leave.”
He glared at her. “Why?”
“Because then I wouldn’t have this compulsive need to overcompensate—to make up for the fact I’m a bad daughter and don’t like her. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to find ways to allay my guilt.”
He looked as if he wanted to cry for her. She reached out and squeezed his hand. “Don’t look like that. I now know things can’t keep going on the way they have been. At least that’s something this holiday has helped me come to terms with. I can’t keep lying to myself. It’s not going to be pretty—she’s going to feel I’ve betrayed her, and I’m going to feel bad about that.”
She’d been taking her frustration out on the clinic’s clients. It had to stop. Nobody else should
pay for her shortcomings as a daughter. Or for her mother’s shortcomings as a parent.
She had to tell Eunice that she wasn’t going to become her fulltime carer. She had to tell her she was moving out.
“In all likelihood, she’ll never speak to me again.” Erin might not like her mother, but hollowness gaped inside of her at the thought of Eunice turning her back on her.
Josh opened his mouth, but Erin shook her head. “Talking it through isn’t going to help. I just need to face facts. I’m only sorry that I’ve allowed personal issues to interfere with work.”
“Your work has been impeccable.”
She made herself laugh, wanting to ease the lines of worry from his face. “Let’s just say my customer service skills could’ve used a little more work than normal these last few months.”
That didn’t raise so much as a smile.
“Have a sip of your drink,” she ordered.
He obeyed as if on autopilot.
It’ll be okay, she assured herself. Fourteen years ago she’d lost her father, her home, and her horse in one fell swoop, but she’d survived. Two weeks ago she’d lost Raggedy Ann—the best of loyal companions—and she’d survived that too.
Next week, in all likelihood, she’d lose her mother. She had little doubt that Eunice would turn her back on her when Erin refused to toe the line. You ungrateful daughter. The loss of it—and the guilt—washed through her now, making her stomach churn.
She glanced across at Josh. As long as she didn’t lose him and her job, she’d be fine.
His pallor made her wince.
She lifted her chin. “Wanna go for a swim?”
His head snapped up when she stood.
In one smooth motion she lifted her dress over her head and hung it over her chair. The way his mouth dropped open as he took in her bikini made her laugh for real. “Last one in is a rotten egg.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
For the forty-five minutes it took the catamaran to reach Green Island, Josh couldn’t help wondering if Erin wore that beguiling bikini beneath her shorts and T-shirt. Two nights ago, he’d gone to bed with the image of her in that bikini burned onto his brain. He’d started to think it was burned there for good.
He hadn’t had a moment’s peace since she’d pulled that flimsy dress over her head. It didn’t make sense. He’d seen her in a swimsuit before. But the fact remained… Not a moment’s peace. It’s why he’d gone kite-surfing again yesterday.
“You look very intent. What’s up?”
Telling her the truth would only make things awkward between them again. She didn’t deserve awkward. She deserved a break.
He stretched his neck first to the right and then to the left. “I was thinking about what you said the other night about your mother.” It wasn’t a complete lie. Her dilemma had played over and over in his mind.
“Really, Josh, it’s not your problem. Besides—” one slim shoulder lifted, “—there’s nothing you can do. It’s just one of those things.”
His life had been a hundred times easier than hers. How much had he taken for granted? The fact he had parents who’d wanted him to grow up independent and happy, who would always be there for him, who would always welcome him home.
He thought back to the night when he and Erin had been eighteen and had kissed…and then she’d thrown up. At the time the incident had shattered his confidence. But now he could see, given her home life, that it was no wonder she’d found temporary refuge in alcohol. He’d taken it personally—had considered it a slight on his masculinity, on his sexual technique—but it had never been about him. He’d just been too much of a blind egoist to see it at the time.
So much lost because he’d lacked courage and foresight.
He dragged a hand down his face. They’d only been eighteen. Even with courage and foresight, where on earth did he think they were going at that age? Did he really think a romantic relationship between them would’ve stood the test of time?
Your friendship has.
He shook that away. She’d made it clear where they stood. It was time to put her needs first. “What happened after your mother threw away those pills? Did life return to normal?” Or had Eunice held the threat of suicide over Erin’s head for the rest of her childhood?
Erin stared out at the horizon. “I don’t really remember. I guess we fell into a normal-ish routine. I do recall not wanting to go to school the next day because I was afraid she wouldn’t be there when I got home.”
‘Did she let you stay home?’
“No, she made me go to school. She said…” Her frown deepened. “She said life had to return to normal and that I had to trust her.”
Perfect! He folded his arms. “So when she accuses you of abandoning her, what are you going to say?”
Her lovely mouth dropped open. She stared at him and then pressed both hands to her chest. “Oh…Bingo.”
She patted her chest. He tried to pay no attention to said chest.
“I’m going to tell her that I’m not abandoning her. I’m going to tell her life needs to return to normal and that she needs to trust me.”
He grinned.
She grinned back. “See! This is why people need friends.”
The word friends burned a savage path through him.
“This is why people should confide in their friends,” Erin continued. “I didn’t think there was anything you—or anyone—could do to help. I thought the only thing confiding in to you would achieve would be to make you feel bad on my account, and why on Earth would I want to do that? But you…”
The way she looked at him made him feel about ten feet tall.
“You’ve just cut a swathe through all of the nonsense! I now have a clear path at my feet.” Reaching up on tiptoe, she kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you, Josh.”
Her scent swamped him. Her eyes sparkled, her skin glowed and her lips curved upwards. Wind roared in his ears as a fierce hunger gripped him.
She held onto the railing at the side of the catamaran, the breeze blowing her hair back from her face as the boat surged over the water. She nodded a couple of times, obviously in answer to the thoughts he’d helped plant in her mind. When she glanced back at him she seemed freer—as if a weight no longer pressed down on her so heavily. “I’d lost perspective.”
Hardly surprising given all she’d had to put up with from Eunice, not to mention her grief for Raggedy Ann.
“I just need to keep calm and—” she grimaced, “—try to keep my resentment under control.”
The guilt at the resentment she harbored flickered in her eyes. He wanted it gone. She was too hard on herself.
He wanted her to kiss his cheek again.
She pointed up ahead. “That must be Green Island.”
She’d always wanted to see the Great Barrier Reef. He wanted her to do that without a single trouble weighing her down.
“Erin, we’re vets, right?”
She turned back with a frown. “Meaning…what? That we’re intelligent and well educated and should be able to find a solution to most problems?”
The grin inside him widened. “Meaning we work with animals every day. Every day we see the benefits that pets bring to their owners.”
She nodded.
“We can cite studies proving the benefits that simply petting an animal has—how it can lower a person’s stress levels, et cetera.”
“Uh huh.”
“Look at how animated our concierge’s mother became when she realized she could save that little family of cats.”
Comprehension finally dawned in those glorious eyes of hers. “It gave her a whole new purpose.”
“Yep.”
“And you think pet therapy might help my mother?”
“It’s worth a shot, isn’t it?”
She stared at him, and then she smiled. “It’s definitely worth a shot.”
He wanted to punch the air when she kissed his cheek again. It occurred to him that in the service of Erin’s happin
ess, he’d gladly exert himself in any and every way possible.
In the same way he’d exert himself for his family.
When he found an answer for Erin though, it made him feel as if he was as the center of the universe.
He frowned. That couldn’t be good.
“We’re here.”
He jolted back when Erin grabbed his arm, hopping from one foot to the other in her excitement. She glanced up and the laugh slid off her face. “No,” she ordered. “No more thinking or brooding about my problems.”
But what if he found something else that would help?
“I now have a game plan—a way forward—and I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you for that.”
He wanted more than her gratitude.
You are not going to sleep with her!
With a blink he realized he wanted more than sex with Erin.
His heart jerked in his chest. How much more precisely? What exactly did he want?
“Josh, today is for fun. You hear me?”
He shrugged, but his heart refused to return to its usual rhythm. “Loud and clear.”
“We’re about to explore one of the natural wonders of the world. It’s an amazing privilege. Today is about experiencing all of that wonder and beauty and relishing every moment of it, okay?”
He stared down at her, taking in her utter loveliness. Beauty—tick. He focused for a moment on the emotions expanding through his chest. Wonder—tick. He nodded. Twice. “Beauty and wonder. You have yourself a deal.”
Two hours later, Erin surfaced beside him and lifted her snorkel mask up to her forehead. Her eyes sparkled. “It’s amazing!”
She moved a hand across the surface of the water in a fluid motion as if she were running her hand across the flank of a thoroughbred horse. A tremor shook him. If she ever ran her hands over him like that…
“Amazing,” he rasped, hoping his hoarseness could be put down to the unfamiliar action of breathing through a snorkel.
“It’s better than I thought it ever could be.”
In the crystal clear waters off Green Island they’d seen coral so brilliantly colored it stole the breath, and delicate sea anemones whose tentacles moved in the currents of the water with hypnotic smoothness as if they were performing an underwater ballet.
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