They had talked about it and decided to try again for a baby after the tests and the trip. The doctor had told her she should wait longer, let her body and her mind heal, but they both felt a desire to try again as soon as possible. It was a touchy subject, and it was really Allyssa who talked Fiona into the idea. They still had that vial in their freezer, untouched and waiting. Still, for Fiona it was a sign that her wife wouldn’t be leaving her. Even though deep down she knew Allyssa wouldn’t leave her, occasionally she got these feelings of self-doubt and insecurity that played on her psyche when she was feeling particularly vulnerable. She knew it was too many hours on the road and too many hours alone with her thoughts.
Allyssa’s plane landed, and she found her carry-on and managed to avoid the crush of people at the luggage carousel. With her computer and camera bags over her shoulder, she walked rapidly through the airport to the exit, her long stride no longer showing the damage to her leg, her limp now just a memory. She shaded her eyes as the brilliant January sun blinded her for a moment, and she looked for her sister’s van. Her sister told her she’d traded her car in for something more practical. A blaring horn had her looking around, and seeing her sister, she began waving madly. She made her way carefully across the roadway towards the red van.
“Hey, don’t you look svelte and sleek,” Carmen greeted her heartily, giving her a big hug of welcome.
Not used to this hearty greeting from her sister, she felt a little stiff as she returned the hug. Smiling a fake smile, hiding the sorrow she felt meeting her new niece, she pretended to be happy. She couldn’t help staring at the infant, knowing exactly how far along she would have been at this point…if only. She quashed those thoughts, determined to enjoy the two days of her visit. The plane trip had been expensive for them, but Fiona had insisted, and she pretended to be glad about that too. She figured she could fake it until the happiness was real and not drug-induced.
Carmen sat in the front seat next to Derek and chattered up a storm. Allyssa wasn’t used to this side of her sister either. She remembered the condescending and bossy sister, not this happy and effusive sister. It was kind of unnerving, and she was relieved when they pulled up to the couple’s house in Rose Glen Estates, hauntingly like Regal Crest Gardens with its picture-perfect homes. In fact, with the snow on the lawn it was picture-perfect, and Allyssa insisted on clicking a few pictures of Carmen and Derek in front of their home with the baby. She’d thought for a moment her sister was going to insist that she carry little Melody, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for that. She still felt the loss of her own baby very deeply.
Her mother was at dinner and kept calling her ‘Allyssa, dear’ as though that was her complete name. She hadn’t missed that, but she realized her mother was unsure how to treat her and was reverting to what she knew. At the ranch, she hadn’t known the independent and grown-up daughter and now, she didn’t know the sad and depressed daughter, so she was treating her like a little girl again. When her mother said, “It’s so nice to finally have you home,” Allyssa interrupted.
“Mom, my home is on the ranch in Oregon now,” she gently reminded her, but there was a bitterness in her tone that couldn’t be hidden.
“Yes, of course…” her mother was flustered to be corrected so bluntly. “I just meant here with us, with those of us who love you.”
“Fiona loves me just fine, thank you,” she added, ignoring her mother’s comment. She continued to eat, pretending her mother wasn’t being insulting.
Subsiding into an uneasy silence, Allyssa realized she had made things awkward for all of them. So, attempting to be more sociable, she asked Derek about his job. She knew that was an approved subject in her mother’s book since she had taught them both to be good housewives. She was then subjected to at least twenty minutes of boring information about a job she neither cared about nor was interested in. After her mother left for the evening, but not before being sure to ask Allyssa to ‘visit’ and telling her she was ‘so sorry’ she didn’t have the room for her to stay with her in her new home, she asked her sister, “Is Dad going to be there tomorrow?”
“Yes, and it’s our job to keep those two apart,” she nodded towards their mother who had just left.
“Are they still battling?” she asked, not privy to some of it and grateful for that.
“Well, let’s just say there is still some bitterness on both of their parts.” She made herself busy, even though the three of them had cleaned up their meal. Derek relaxed in the great room while his wife and sister-in-law did what was in his mind woman’s work.
“Is his girlfriend coming?” she asked, wondering if that was part of the hostility she sensed was expected.
“No, I made it clear she was not welcome.”
Allyssa was horrified at how that must have gone. She knew how her mother and sister could be and wondered if her father, whom she hadn’t seen in two years, was coping. She guessed she would see him tomorrow.
* * * * *
The baptism went well as far as Allyssa was concerned. The only moment of contention came a couple hours before they left for the church when her mother arrived and found out Allyssa would be wearing a pantsuit.
“Oh, no, dear. You must wear a dress. I’m sure Carmen has something you could wear,” she asserted.
Wanting to wear pants to hide her scar, Allyssa wasn’t prepared to budge on her decision, but then, Carmen chimed in, and the combined assault sent her into a tailspin of depression. Remembering her stifling upbringing, she capitulated. She shaved her legs in the bathroom to remove what was months of growth. She had even hidden the hair and scar from Fiona, who wouldn’t have minded. Seeing the over long, floating hairs in the water, she realized she had let her hygiene slip, the depression partly to blame for her not caring. Carefully, she shaved around her ugly scar. It looked terrible to her, glaringly obvious, especially under the nylons her sister conjured up for her from somewhere. The dress Carmen found for her was at least four inches too short and emphasized her long legs. Her mother tched to show her annoyance, but there was nothing else that fit and was appropriate for the occasion.
As Allyssa stood and approached the front of the church with Melody in her arms gurgling happily, she wasn’t aware of the ugly scar on her leg, but her mother was. Her mother stared at it as though it went from floor to ceiling, and she did not approve. The fact that her daughter had been in so obviously a dangerous situation wasn’t lost on her. The woman she had become was far different from the little girl she had raised, and she wondered if she could convince her to stay.
In church, Allyssa promised to raise little Melody by their values in the event anything happened to her parents. She promised to raise her in their church and, by the values they preached, but she wondered if she would really do that if the situation arose. She knew there was nothing wrong with how she had been raised, but she didn’t want that for her own children, and she wouldn’t wish that on Melody either. She glanced at her sister and brother-in-law, wondering if they would be duplicating Carmen and Allyssa’s parents’ teachings. She glanced at the other godparent, Derek’s cousin, Dwayne and wondered if he would step up to the plate. He wasn’t quite as successful as Derek. He caught her glance and grinned at her flirtatiously, and she looked away.
“I’m so glad to see you, Sweet Pea,” her father greeted her, giving her a big hug after church. She had seen him sitting several pews away from the family, an outsider among his own family. He had left, but that didn’t mean he shouldn’t be welcomed back. Only her mother treated him like a pariah. “How are you doing?” he asked, showing concern while he had her alone for a moment.
“I’m okay,” she answered automatically. She saw him glance at her leg, and if she could have, she would have hidden the nasty scar. She’d seen her mother staring at it too.
“Yeah? How okay are you?” he continued when he saw her look down.
She laughed a little. He could always figure her out, much more so than her mother. “I�
�m trying,” she admitted.
“That’s my girl,” he said, patting her on the shoulder. “That’s all anyone can ask. Will you have time this trip to visit with me?”
“I’m afraid today is it, Daddy. I have to get back to Portland.”
“Oh, yes. You said you had tests for school. I’m so glad you continued your studies.”
“Well, it’s not the business degree you wanted for me,” she sounded apologetic.
“I always wanted you to be happy, and I let…” he began, but his glance at her mother across the atrium of the church said a lot more, “others convince me what was best for you.”
“Well, all we can do as parents is try our best,” she admitted, realizing that would hold true when she had her own baby. She watched Carmen, who was already an expert on children with her first child.
“I know we haven’t been close since…” he was going to say a lot more but changed his words given the occasion and her own loss, “but I want you to know you can always call me. I was sorry to hear of your loss.”
It was the first direct reference to the loss of her own child…the child she and Fiona had wanted so badly. She was ready to tear up, not just because of the loss but because she could see her father was trying so hard to be the father he always wanted to be. “Thank you, Daddy. It was very hard.”
“I can only imagine, Sweet Pea. How is Fiona handling it?”
“She works,” she admitted. Few realized it was their loss, not just her own, and she appreciated her father for recognizing that.
“Sometimes that is all we can do to deal with things. Are you okay?” he repeated his earlier question, phrasing it differently this time.
“I have good days and bad days. I’ve been studying hard and getting ready for my tests. Fiona is wonderful. She gave me good, hands-on experience, and I’m confident about these tests.”
“I’m glad you found something you enjoy. I know you hated the courses we forced you to take.”
“Actually, I’m glad you did that. I learned a lot, and it’s helping in the business.”
“That’s good to hear. That rescue you two took on sounds enormous.”
“There are a lot of horses,” she admitted, becoming enthused. Her coloring changed, and she looked excited. Her whole attitude made her seem animated. “The kids of the 4-H club and the therapists working with the horses and are making a real difference.”
“Are you taking in more horses?”
She nodded. “We’ve sold a few to good homes. Fiona does a home check to be sure they can take care of the animals. But there are a couple who will live out their lives on our ranch because they are too old or too damaged. Our therapists find those challenging but are still going to try to help them,” she went on to explain how exciting it was to learn from the couple who worked on their ranch. Bob could see his daughter come alive in ways she never had when she was living with him and Helen. He could see across the atrium and realized Helen saw it too. Her eyes were narrowed contemplatively, and he knew he should warn his daughter, but he simply didn’t want to burst her bubble.
“Would you like to ride with me to your sister’s?”
“I’d love to, Daddy. Let me go tell her.”
They were having a party to celebrate the baptism, and Carmen had known having her two parents under the same roof wouldn’t be easy.
“Carmen, I’m going to ride with Daddy to your house,” Allyssa informed her.
“Oh, I thought you were going to ride with us,” she answered, disappointed.
“I’ll see you back at the house,” she responded firmly, unwilling to be guilt-tripped or manipulated by her sister, however subtly. “I’ll see you there,” she finished and walked away before she could say anymore. She saw her mother move to talk to Carmen, probably asking what Allyssa had said to her. She greeted several people, mostly friends of her sister’s and parents’ as she joined her father. He took her arm politely and steered her to his car. It didn’t look familiar, and she wondered if he had bought a new car. He must have read her mind.
“I got a new car after…well, you know,” he said, referencing the divorce. Her mother had tried playing hardball, stretching it out indefinitely to get the most for the house. Fortunately, Colorado was a no-fault state, and her mother couldn’t hold her father’s infidelity against him. Their ‘dissolution of marriage’ had finally come through about eight months ago.
“I understand,” she answered, realizing this one was a little classier, a good fit for her father and his business.
“You still have that Jeep?” he continued as he tucked her in the front seat and handed her the seat belt.
“Yes, but I’ve put a lot of miles on it. I may have to trade it in next year.”
“It’s running well? You need some money to buy another?” he asked, concerned.
“We’re doing okay, Daddy. I don’t need your money,” she told him firmly. She was sure they’d all seen the Xpedition on the blog. It was a phenomenal find, and she didn’t discuss the insurance and lawsuit that had paid for it. Money could be tight some months, but they were doing okay.
“Well, if you need help, I do want you to tell me. I know it can be tough those first few years of a new business and marriage.”
Allyssa was pleased that he was talking to her as an adult, not treating her like an errant child as her mother and Carmen did occasionally. She liked this new relationship and told him about various things that happened on the ranch: from watching the chickens to shooting the coyote.
“And you wear that gun all the time? Do you really need to?” he asked, sounding concerned.
“It’s just a habit now, but it does come in handy and makes me feel safe. I want to have it if I need it.”
He thought it odd, but when she told him the story about the rattlesnake and the dog, he understood better how something like that could be necessary. He’d never been so afraid for his daughter as when he heard about those rustlers. Knowing his daughter had been in such danger, had even killed, had terrified him. He’d avidly read about her and Fiona in the online news. He saw how strong she had become, and he was proud of her.
The party was awkward but only because her mother made it so. Allyssa found that avoiding her mother and talking only intermittently with her father as she socialized with people she had known through the country club made it bearable.
“Are you having a good time?” a voice asked her at one point.
Allyssa turned to find their former housekeeper looking at her cautiously. “Juanita!” she exclaimed, thrilled to see her. “I’m so happy to see you after all this time.”
“Ah, Ms. Allyssa. I’m happy to see you too,” she said sincerely as they hugged.
“Tell me, what are you doing these days?”
The Hispanic woman glanced around. She’d been avoiding both Allyssa’s parents and only came because she had loved the girls and wanted to pay her respects. She hadn’t been certain she would see Allyssa, but when she spotted her, she wanted to say hello. “I’m working for a family in Regal Crest Gardens again,” she told her, but she didn’t look happy.
Allyssa picked up on that immediately. “Do you miss working with us?”
She nodded but glanced around furtively. “Mostly,” she answered, sounding non-committal.
“I am sorry about the other things.”
She nodded, acknowledging the time Bob had tried to make a move on her. “Mostly I miss…” she started, glanced around, and didn’t finish what she was saying. “It isn’t the same,” she finished, but they both knew that wasn’t what she was going to say. Changing the subject, she asked, “How do you like Oregon?”
“Oh, you don’t know about the ranch?”
At Juanita’s head shake, Allyssa launched into a rather happy accounting of events, glossing over the sadder things such as the rustlers and the loss of her baby. They eventually traded addresses, so they could stay in contact. Juanita didn’t use computers, so she couldn’t follow Allyssa’s b
log, but she was intrigued about the rescue and the happenings on her ranch. She didn’t understand about this young woman being in love with that female veterinarian, but it was obvious she was happier than she had been living here in Denver with her parents. Glancing around, seeing Bob had noticed her, she slipped away and disappeared.
Allyssa went to pack her suitcase, and her mother slipped into Carmen’s guest room. “I think you should stay longer, Allyssa,” she instructed as she watched her youngest pack her few clothes.
“I can’t, Mother. I have my tests this week in Portland, and I must get back to the ranch. Fiona needs me,” she explained, not for the first time.
“I’m sure she could hire someone to do what you do there. Didn’t you say you recently hired someone to come in a couple times a week? Isn’t she covering for you this week? Maybe she could come on full-time?”
“It’s not the same, Mother,” she explained, feeling exasperated by her obstinacy and inability to understand.
“It all sounds so hard,” she tried again. She had to make her see reason. This was not what she had in mind for her daughter. “You shouldn’t have to…” she began again.
“Mother, I choose to be there. Fiona gave me the option of returning to school full-time to pursue any field of study that I wanted. I choose to be with her because I love her.” She stopped putting things in her bag and looked at her mother. She looked so sad, and for the first time, a little old and worn. Life hadn’t been easy on her and she looked disappointed right now. Maybe her new grandchild would cheer her now?
“There were so many nice young men from the country club who would have–”
“Mother,” she sounded annoyed, “I didn’t want any nice young men from the country club. I wanted Fiona. I couldn’t believe she felt the same way I did.” She took pity on her mother. Despite seeing her lifestyle, the house that Fiona and she had built, her mother still didn’t get it. “I’m happy with Fiona.”
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