by Mark Parisi
“But, Mom . . .”
“Marty, you took something that doesn’t belong to you.”
“Look at it, Mom! Just look at it!”
“Mr. McPhee said he doesn’t want anyone to look at it.”
“Doesn’t that make you suspicious?!” I snap back. I can usually count on my dad to stick up for me, but right now he’s staring at the floor and shaking his head.
It’s all up to me, so I turn to McPhee and say, “If you want it, come get it!”
I put the paper on the seat and plop Jerome on top of it. McPhee looks scared.
In unison, my parents yell, “MARTIN SEYMOUR PANTS!”
I can’t hold it in any longer, so I just blurt it out.
“McPHEE IS AN ALIEN AND THESE ARE HIS PLANS TO ANNIHILATE EARTH! DRIVE, DAD! DRIVE LIKE THE WIND!”
My dad doesn’t drive like the wind. My parents just look at me, then each other.
That’s when I notice my classmates are gathering outside the car. There’s Roongrat, Simon, everybody, and I hear them snickering. The only one not laughing is Parker, and she must be mad because she told me not to say anything. But I had to!
My dad gets really calm and says, “I know that’s what you think you found, but that’s not right, is it, Mr. McPhee?”
McPhee opens his mouth and closes it, like he doesn’t know what to say. Then I hear something. Chewing.
The secret plans!
I grab Jerome and say, “Throw it up, buddy! You can do it! Look at McPhee!”
But it’s no use, the proof is gone. It’s cat food. I’m doomed. We’re all doomed.
“I’m telling the truth!” I plead. “I’m telling the truth!”
I hear Simon laughing his obnoxious laugh and some girls giggling. Parker is biting her nails, and my parents look disappointed, as if I did something wrong.
I slump back in the seat. No one believes me. I feel helpless.
“I’m sorry about this, Mr. McPhee,” my mom says. “We’ll make sure Marty never bothers you again.”
McPhee looks at my parents. He looks at the kids laughing at me. He looks at my humiliated face. Then he sighs and says something no one expected.
“Marty’s telling the truth. He discovered the plans I wrote to annihilate Earth.”
CHAPTER 47
set to stun
CHAPTER 48
annihilate earth
McPhee confesses.
He confesses that he’s secretly a writer, and he’s been working on a science-fiction story called, “Annihilate Earth.” He claims it’s all a big misunderstanding.
I insist he let us look at it to see if his story checks out. McPhee looks uncomfortable with the idea, but I give him no choice. We go inside.
“All right,” McPhee says. “Skim the story and get it over with. I know it’s not very good.”
I start reading and actually, it’s not bad. I would even say it’s creative. I am finally forced to admit that my teacher is not what I thought he was.
He’s not a rube. “Satisfied?” McPhee says.
“Can I keep reading?” I ask. “I really want to see what happens next.”
My parents and McPhee look surprised. They talk while I read. McPhee takes the blame for everything. He admits to discouraging my art because he thought a creative career was a pipe dream. He claims he didn’t want me to get my hopes up, like he did when he was a kid.
And, get this, he admits to not entering my drawing in the mural contest! He said he forgot, but I know it was on purpose!
Despite his constant discouragement of me, I decide to be the bigger man and encourage him to read his story to the class the next day. His eyes light up. Well, as much as sleepy tortoise eyes can light up.
“Really?” he says. “You think it’s good?”
“Sure, why not?” I say. The real reason I want him to read it in class is so we won’t have to do any work. And I guess it’s kind of good, too.
But then as I get near the end of the story, it just stops.
“Where’s the ending?”
“I have two endings,” McPhee responds. “And I can’t decide which one to use.”
He shows me both.
Version one ends with Earth being completely destroyed. Version two ends with Earth being saved at the last minute.
“Which one do you like better?” he asks. “I’m leaning toward the one where Earth is destroyed.”
“No. Use the one where Earth is saved,” I say.
“Are you sure, Marty?”
“Definitely.”
“Then that’s the way it will be,” he declares.
I did it!
McPhee’s book was obviously his way of planning a real-life Earth invasion and I just used my persuasive powers to talk him out of it. You’re welcome, Earth!
I have a list to update.
CHAPTER 49
likely story
The next day the story is a big hit. The class applauds when McPhee finishes reading it. McPhee then surprises everyone and does something we’ve never seen him do before. Smile.
That’s his version of a smile. Take my word for it.
Word gets out, and now other classes want him to read it. I think Ms. Ortiz is also impressed with his story because I notice her winking at McPhee.
I can relax because my alien teacher is no longer a threat to the planet. I have rendered him harmless, and he’s learning to assimilate with us humans.
My parents canceled the appointment with the head doctor. They finally realized my head is fine the way it is.
All the kids in class are being nice to me because I got credit for convincing McPhee to read his book, and we haven’t had homework all week!
McPhee is like a new person.* He’s less uptight and my grades have actually gone up, which is a new direction for me. Probably because he’s trying to make up for being a total jerk for so long.
McPhee even gives me a chance to redo the report on Abraham Lincoln.
When I hand it to him, I look at his expression. He looks perfectly fine, like he had a good breakfast.
This time my report had plenty of boring words, complete sentences, and indented paragraphs.
But, really, it was the last page that pulled the whole thing together.
CHAPTER 50
loose ends
You might be wondering about the blood on McPhee’s shirt. It was his own. When he went into the hall to check on the commotion, the commotion was . . .
And remember when that rabid raccoon attacked Peach Fuzz? That was Jerome, too. I know this because I found some of Peach Fuzz’s shredded shirt under Jerome’s claws.
Jerome must have followed me that night and pounced on Peach Fuzz. He somehow found his way out of the Dumpster and into the school where McPhee did exactly what he shouldn’t have done with my cat. He tried to pick him up. And you know what happens when anyone but me tries to pick up Jerome. Bad news.
We brought Jerome to the animal clinic to get him checked out, and even the vet knows enough to take precautions.
McPhee got scratched up but somehow managed to get Jerome into an empty classroom. Analie must have noticed Jerome and picked him up.
Wait. I thought I was the only person who could pick up Jerome.
That’s weird. Must be something different about Analie. I remember something she said, too. Analie said the reason she recognized Jerome was because of the drawing I did for the “Lost Cat” flyer. In other words, my art worked!
I update my list.
Then something else happens. Ms. Ortiz stops me in the hall to tell me they’re not going to use Simon’s AnemoneBob TrapezoidShorts drawing for the school mural after all. Something about legal reasons and the school not wanting to get sued.
“So, we’re going with the drawing that came in second place.”
“Which one is that?” I ask.
“MINE??”
“All the other entries got one vote each. Yours got two.”
Two? I didn’t even
vote for it myself! Which two people voted for my scribble?
“Of course I voted for yours, Marty!” Parker tells me after school. “I thought the scribble was a bold choice. It represents growing up while still wanting to hold on to your childhood.”
That’s deep. Now I’m starting to like my scribble.
“It also reminds me of the Starship Enterprise,” she adds.
“I voted for it, too,” says Roongrat. “Parker threatened to give me a wedgie if I didn’t. That’s a fact.”
Simon was shocked about not getting to do the mural. I guess he’s used to getting his way.
That reminds me, I learned a new word today.
Schadenfreude.
My dad told me it means feeling happy when something bad happens to someone else.
CHAPTER 51
wrapped up in a bow
My mom has the house decorated for my birthday with streamers, banners, cups, plates, napkins—pretty much all the usual stuff.
She sent out invitations to my whole class, and almost everyone shows up. My job is to hand out goodie bags. I don’t want to wait until the end so I do it right away.
“All right, chocolate cake!” I hear Roongrat say to Simon. “Did you know all the geniuses ate chocolate cake?”
Simon is still moping about not getting to do the mural. I tell him Erica is upstairs and will be joining us for cake, and he gets all happy again. I don’t want any moping at my party.
“The cake had a picture of you on it,” my mom tells me, “but Jerome ate your face.”
Of course he did. Glad he’s back to normal.
I make a wish and blow out the candles.
“Open the presents!” Parker says, and starts tossing them to me.
Roongrat got me this:
“Some of the stuff in there is wrong,” he says.
Simon got me this:
I’ll be sure to kick his butt when we play.
My sister gave me these:
Parker got me a new backpack!
My parents got me some books.
And a new bike!
And a new pogo stick!
Yes, I know that’s confusing.
I also got some cards with money inside, and I have a few ideas on how to spend it.*
One by one, the parents pick up their kids until Parker is the only one left. Her dad hangs out and chats with my parents while Parker helps me clean up.
She tells me she’s glad everything worked out.
“Me, too,” I say. “But I still don’t know who wrote that note.”
“You’re fun to talk to, Marty.”
“Thanks. You are, too, Parker.”
“And do you still see that mystery girl? Analie?”
“Nope, she’s gone now.”
“That’s encouraging,” she says. “You know you can lie down on my couch any time, Marty.”
“It’s a love seat,” I say.
Parker’s dad suddenly comes over and says, “You know, Marty, I could make you a drawing table.”
I can’t tell if it’s an offer or a threat.
As I wave good-bye to Parker, I find a big envelope by the door.
It’s from Analie! I wonder if I’ll ever see her again.
I bring the envelope inside and empty it on the floor.
Analie’s an artist, too? I think this is my favorite gift! This and the bike.
Seems she’s also a poet. She included this poem.
I can’t tell what it says, but I bet there’s some deep, hidden meaning in there somewhere. Poems are like that. I’m no expert, but I’ll guess it’s about something delicate, like flowers. Maybe I’ll try to decipher it another time, but I’m not really big on poetry.
Hey! I recognize that handwriting! It matches that note I found in my backpack.
So, Analie N. wrote that note! She knew about McPhee’s evil plans and somehow realized I was the one who could neutralize the threat. She knew I could save the planet.
It all makes sense now. At least to me.
CHAPTER 52
that’s all, folks
Life is pretty crazy when you think about it. I just confronted an alien intent on destroying the world and changed its mind.
I looked that alien square in the face.
The alien had bad intentions, but thanks to me, the danger is over.
I was the only one who even noticed there was an alien!
I’m sorry. I’m talking about my teacher being an alien, but can’t stop thinking of Analie for some reason. I guess I’m distracted.
I take out my list of goals and look at it one final time. I crossed off every single one!
What’s this? There’s something on here that hasn’t been crossed off!
That’s not my handwriting—it’s my mom’s! Fine. I’ll do it first thing tomorrow.
Unless something more important comes along.
THE END
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I am endlessly grateful to my mom and dad, and my brothers, Nick and Carl, for their encouragement and support. And particularly to Lynn, without whose belief and dedication I may not have become a cartoonist. Thanks to Jen for being incredibly inspiring, and easily the best thing I ever had a hand in creating.
Many thanks to the fantastic team at HarperCollins for their hard work, and making me feel welcome. I cannot thank my editor, Dave Linker, enough for his patient and brilliant guidance, and for sending me that email in the first place. And bonus appreciation goes to Emily Brenner, my HC in-house champion.
I want to thank everyone who read the drafts and gave me valuable feedback: Lincoln, Jen, Lynn, Carl, Cindy, Dan, John, Norm, Ben, Sage, Hilary, and Terri.
Thanks to Andrews McMeel Syndication, my readers, and anyone who’s ever encouraged me along the way. Is it weird I want to thank all the pets I’ve had? Probably.
Thanks to all the artists and musicians I may have referenced or parodied.
Special thanks to the talented Hilary (Rhymes with Orange) Price for supplying the art for Analie’s drawings.
If I’ve forgotten anybody, feel free to let me hear about it.
EXCERPT FROM MARTY PANTS #2: KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF!
Find out what Marty is up to in his next adventure:
KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF!
CHAPTER 1
every picture tells a story
I need to find a baby photo for the class yearbook. Even though I was a totally adorable baby, there don’t seem to be many pictures of me.
My sister, Erica, was born first. Here are her baby pictures.
Here are mine.
I guess that’s how it goes when you’re the second child. But once I’m a famous artist, my baby pictures will be like gold, and my parents will regret not having more.
Flipping through the box, I come across an old photo of me with my sister. Look how well we used to get along.
These days it’s a little different.
As if to make my point, Erica bursts into my room.
She knows how to make an entrance.
“GET YOUR PSYCHO CAT OUT OF MY BACKPACK!”
“He’s just playing,” I tell her.
“MAAAARTYYY!”
“Fine,” I say. “Come here, Jerome!”
Jerome leaps over to me, and I give him a stern talking-to.
“Control your beast!” Erica snaps as she marches off to annoy someone else.
For some unexplained reason, Jerome really likes Erica’s backpack.*
Jerome’s my cat and best bud. He was given to me by a neighbor years ago.
For free. No strings attached.
I’m still not sure why she decided to be so generous.
I notice poor Jerome has some paper stuck in his claws.*
He was digging through Erica’s backpack, so it must be from one of her school papers.
Like her A+ homework assignments. Or her A+ tests. Or her A+ projects. Or her A+ . . .
Wait.
I take a closer look and realize it isn’t from her
schoolwork.
It’s from her diary!
CREDITS
Copyright © 2017 by Mark Parisi
COPYRIGHT
MARTY PANTS #1: DO NOT OPEN! Copyright © 2017 by Mark Parisi. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
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ISBN 978-0-06-242776-2
EPub Edition © April 2017 ISBN 9780062427779
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FIRST EDITION
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