by A. J. Markam
“Yes,” she seethed. “He made me stay still for an entire year with a cock just a quarter-inch from my pussy. Do you KNOW how fucking frustrating that was?!” she yelled at Zali.
The little warlock poked his head out from behind the pedestal. “Tee-hee – yes, you were verrrrry upset with me! Tee-hee!”
Zali emerged carrying a bucket of white paint with a large brush sticking out of it. Then he ran back over to the doggy-style couple and began to coat the succubus’s privates in white, adding a thick layer to her lips. He also slapped a quick touch-up on the incubus’s cock.
The entire sculpture garden began to cry out in a cacophony of pleading voices.
“Zali, PLEASE let me fuck! It’s been three years!”
“Let him stick it in, for goddess’s sake!”
“Please, just let us come!”
The warlock went back to angrily stamping the ground.
“No, NO, NO! Do you not understand?! You are caught in a moment of temporal ecstaseee and agoneee! You want to fuck, but you cannot! You want him to pee-nee-trate you, but he cannot!” Zali dropped to his knees and held up his hands to the skies like he was begging the gods for mercy. “Oh! Eeet is suffering, yes! Oh! The humani-teee!”
There was silence for a second.
Then one succubus spoke up.
“I mean, we could just fuck for, like, three minutes – then, after we come, we could go back to – ”
“NOOOOOO! Do you not know what thees ees? ART. THEES EES ART. If you fuck, eet ees not art – eet ees fuckeeng! And we do not fuck here! We ART. No FUCKEEENG.”
Again, there was silence…
Until another lone succubus spoke up.
“Could we just MOVE, then? Just for a second?! PLEASE?!”
“QUIET! ALL OF YOU, QUIET!” Zali roared. “Thees ees leeving sculpture, not PERFORMANCE ART!”
Immediately every collar in the garden glowed, and everyone went silent.
“Ahhhh,” Zali sighed, closing his ghostly, bulbous eyes in relief. “Some peeeople, they just do not understand my geeee-nius.”
“Let me get this straight,” I said in horrified amazement. “All of these statues are alive?”
Stig jerked his head out of the stream of yellow liquid in alarm.
“The succubi and eeen-cubi, yes. Not heem, though,” Zali said, pointing at the urinating faun.
“Oh… phew,” Stig said, then went back to drinking.
“But – how?!” I asked. “How do you have this many succubi and incubi?!”
Zali shrugged. “I pay top dollar for theem.”
“WHAT?!”
“Yes,” he sighed as he looked around. “Art is very ex-peen-sive.”
Somehow, it seemed even more evil that Zali not only had the mystical slaves common to all warlocks in OtherWorld, but that he had stockpiled even more by paying money for them.
“You didn’t summon them?!”
“No, of course not. Even a master warlock can only have seex or seven succubi or een-cubi.” He looked pained. “That would se-veeer-ly interfeeeer with my art.”
“So how do you get all of them to obey?!”
“They are all wearing Collars of Gorbol-eeek.”
FUCK.
A Collar of Gorbolik was a mystical artifact that allowed a Warlock to enslave any creature, not just demons, and not just ones he’d summoned. I had bought one for Meera, the kinky angel I’d shacked up with in Exardus. By having her wear the collar, I was able to resurrect her when she died in the Tomb of Tharos dungeon.
And it had other uses at night that she was, uh, really into.
I looked around in shock. The collars were different shapes and sizes, but they were all white – which meant Zali had painted them, too.
Something else was strangely colored, too, I realized.
“Their EYES are white!” I said in horror.
“Yes, I put eet in their eyes, as well,” Zali said as he slapped another coat on the succubus’s pussy.
“WHAT?! Doesn’t that fucking sting?!”
“We’re used to getting stuff in our eyes that stings,” Alaria said nonchalantly.
“This is – this is fucked UP!” I yelled.
“YES – EET EES FUCKED UP!” Zali cried out as he dropped the bucket of paint and hugged me around my waist. “YOU UNDERSTAND MEEEE!”
“Jesus, stop that,” I snarled as I tried to push the hatchetfish off me.
“I am not Jeeesus,” Zali sniffled, overcome with emotion at finally being ‘understood.’
“ZALI, STOP! Leave me the fuck alone!”
He stopped hugging me and backed away. “I understand.”
“…you do?” I asked, confused at his reaction.
“Yes,” he said somberly. “Now eet ees time for you to keel me.”
“…uh… okay…”
I had to say, Saykir and Orlo and the others hadn’t taken it this well.
“Yes, I have been an-tee-cee-pating thees moment, and now eet has finally come. Yes, I am very much looking forward to however you plan to keel me.”
“You’re not… afraid to die?”
“Oh no. No, I have a curious re-lah-see-un-sheep with death, you see. I do not be-leeef in it. If ever I do die, I weell not die all the way – for my work is here.” He gestured at the sculpture garden. “Thees are my cheeldren. The fruit of my loins. My immoraliteee. Art. FOR I AM ZALI!” he roared as he struck a pose.
I stood and waited.
When he didn’t move, I finally said, “Um… I have a request, though.”
“Yes?”
“If I beat you, before you die, I want you to free all of them.”
“WHAT?!” Zali cried out.
“I want you to let them go free and take off the collars.”
“But they are my ART! They are my immortali-teeee!”
“Yeah, but… the true genius of your art will be its impermanence,” I said, bullshitting for all I was worth. “If you leave it here for everybody to see, they’ll be like, ‘Yeah, I saw it.’ But if it’s gone… and all that’s left is the legend… then the legend will grow. And you’ll become, like, a god of art.”
Zali twiddled his waxed mustache and stared off into the distance, lost in thought.
“A god of art… yes… like Jeeeesus, no?”
“…nnnnno,” I said. “Not like Jesus at all.”
“ALRIGHT! You strike a hard bargain, my freend, but I bow to your prowess! Eef you de-feeeet me in battle, I shall free all my slaves, and my ART SHALL BECOME LEGEND – FOR I AM ZALI!” he shouted, thrusting one hand high into the air.
“Yeah… a legend,” I agreed halfheartedly.
“Alright, we shall begeeen the duel,” Zali said as he walked away from me. “Forteee feet away, no?”
“You guys ready?” I whispered to Alaria.
She shrugged. “I don’t have any fireballs. I’d have to get right up next to him to use my pitchfork.”
“Shit, that’s right… but Stig can still teleport. Stig, get down from there!”
“Okay, bossshh,” he mumbled as he tumbled drunkenly off the succubus ‘sculpture’s’ head and splashed in the pool of champagne. Then he crawled on his hands and knees out onto the sand, his stomach distended into a massive pot belly. “I’m ready… URP.”
Once he reached 40 feet away, Zali whirled around to face me. “Do your worst, my freeend – but before we begeen, know one theeng!”
“What’s that?”
Zali grinned. “I have not had my sheet this morning.”
He might not have, but everything else definitely went to ‘sheet’ after that.
10
I drew first blood.
Well, there’s actually no blood in OtherWorld, so… first hit points.
I blasted him with Soul Suck right out of the gate. I didn’t need to replenish my Health yet, but Soul Suck was a particularly vicious attack.
Well… it was when other warlocks did it to me, anyway.
Maybe not for Zali. H
is hit points dropped by a measly 1%.
“Oh – that was – oh, that hurt!” Zali called out, like he was faking it just to encourage me.
And yet he didn’t retaliate.
I grimaced and cast Doomsday, which would take off a nice chunk of hit points in 20 seconds.
“Oh – Doomsday! That ees a good move, my freend!” Zali said, pointing at me like I was The Man.
Then I cast Darkfire. Despite the name, it still worked perfectly fine underwater.
Mystical black fire apparently didn’t follow the same laws as oxygen-fueled combustion.
Zali flapped his arms. “Oh! Oh! The pain, the agoneee! Very strateeeegic on your part!”
Then Doomsday kicked in and took off two whole percentage points.
“Oh! That was very damage-eeeng!” Zali called out.
“Stop patronizing me and FIGHT me!” I yelled.
“I did not mean to pah-tro-nize you – I am so sorreee!” Zali apologized. “Alright, alright, no more! You are a dead man, thees I swear!”
And then he attacked.
I think.
At any rate, an overpowering underwater current slammed into me and sent me somersaulting backwards. I was underwater, so it was kind of a slow somersault, but it was disorienting nonetheless.
When I finally righted myself, I couldn’t see anything. The water around me was completely clouded with sand, to the point that it was like I was in a tan-colored snowstorm/fog bank.
But if I can’t see HIM… then he probably can’t see ME!
I cast Invisibility and walked out of the cloud of sand.
“Where ees he?” Zali asked loudly in a mystified voice. “Where ees EEEE-aaan?”
He sounded like he was playing hide-and-go-seek with a two-year-old.
“He can see you,” Alaria called out to me. “There’s, like, a you-sized hole in the sand cloud.”
“GOD DAMMIT!’ I yelled. “I TOLD you to stop being condescending!”
“Yes, of course, I am so sorree – damn youuuu! Damn you to the Seven Hells!” Zali raged as he shook an overly theatrical fist at me.
I shook my head, sighed, and waded back into the fight.
I hit him with Darkbolt. Each one took off 0.15% of his Health.
I also hit him with Doomsday as often as I could. Every 20 seconds, he lost another 2%.
But it was slow fucking going.
Meanwhile, he started to hit me with the occasional attack – and not ones I was used to.
I didn’t see anything except a slight distortion in the water, but I felt a couple of painful stings across my face like somebody had slashed me with a straight razor.
Then the computer notified me that I’d lost 4% of my hit points!
From an invisible fuckin’ attack!
“What the hell was that?!” I yelled in shock.
“Was eet too much?” Zali asked with real concern. “Forgeeve me – sometimes I get carreeed away.”
“I just want to know what the hell you’re doing! Are you a water Warlock or something?”
“Yes, yes – I am of the Elemental School of Warlock-eeng, weeth an eeeemphasis on Water!”
Great.
Saykir had mentioned different schools of Warlocks. He had served the Ung’aroth, aka the Old Gods.
Zali apparently had control over water.
Which was, you know, kind of a big fucking advantage when you were fighting underwater.
“Would you like to know the names of my attacks?” Zali called out. “Just a meeenute ago, I heet you first weeth ‘Sea Blade.’ Thees is ‘Underwater Spear.’”
He slashed one hand through the water, and it was like the Bullet Time scene in The Matrix where bullets are flying through the air at Neo, leaving wakes of distortion.
Except, you know, underwater.
The tips of the Underwater Spears slammed into my chest like arrows piercing my skin.
-8% hit points.
“And thees is ‘Sulfuric Vent-eeeng.’”
The seafloor cracked beneath my feet, and scalding water blasted up at me, taking off 5% of my hit points.
“Un-deeen Attack – ”
He meant ‘Undine.’ I’d actually had sex with Alaria and an undine onboard The Revenge.
Whatever Zali summoned, though, they weren’t looking to have sex.
Three shimmering, humanoid shapes formed around me. The only way I could see them was because their outlines were just barely visible as they moved, and their bodies were a tiny bit darker than the surrounding water. Even though they weren’t solid, they began raining punches on me – and the punches hurt.
-0.5% hit points – for each punch.
Five seconds and 8% of my hit points later, the undines evaporated into the water.
“And thees ees – ”
“Okay, okay, I get the idea!” I yelled as I cast Soul Suck to try to replenish some of my hit points. “Alaria, get in there!”
“Okay,” she sighed, and swam right for Zali.
The warlock blasted her with a burst of water that ripped off her bikini top and sent her boobs jiggling beautifully in five directions at once.
Over on the sidelines, five incubi spontaneously came.
“OHHHHH!” they all groaned as they spurted into the water.
I guess when you’ve had an erection for two years, even the sight of gorgeous wobbling knockers can set you off.
What was great for them, though, was terrible for me.
“EW!” I yelled as I tried to avoid the floating gobbets of white goo.
The water swirled, and the gobbets started chasing me.
“WHAT THE FUCK?!” I yelled, swimming away as fast as I could.
Still they chased me.
The next 20 seconds was like a miniature, porn-themed game of Pac-Man as I got chased by little white cum ghosts instead of Inky, Blinky, and Clyde.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!” I screamed.
I heard Zali giggling. “Tee-hee!”
I glanced over to see him twirling one finger in the water.
HE was doing it.
“STOP THAT!” I yelled as I scrambled away from the little cum sprites. “THAT IS FUCKED UP!”
“Sorree, sorree,” he apologized. As soon as he stopped swirling the water, the goo stopped moving and settled to the ground.
Fuckin’ GROSS.
Alaria grabbed her bikini top from the ocean floor. “You want me to attack him again?”
“Yes!”
She swam towards Zali again, and he blasted her chest with another wave of water that made her tits jiggle spectacularly.
Ten more incubi groaned and shot their loads.
“OKAY, NEW PLAN – STAY RIGHT THERE!” I yelled at her. “Stig, teleport and get in his face!”
Stig – who was lying face-down in the sand – lifted one sad little fist and gave me a thumbs-up.
Then he disappeared in a soot-filled burst of water.
He reappeared right in front of Zali, standing on the sandy ocean bottom on both feet but wobbling drunkenly.
The hatchetfish looked down at my imp.
My imp looked back up at Zali.
And then proceeded to puke on him.
“BLAAAAAAH,” Stig urped.
Actually, it wasn’t so much projectile puking as it was a murky cloud ballooning out slowly towards Zali’s crotch.
“THAT EES DISGUSTEENG!” Zali shouted, backing away as the cloud approached him in slow motion. Then he leaned around the cloud and gave me a thumbs-up. “Very innova-teeeeve attack, though!”
“That wasn’t an innovative – STIG, GET IN HIS FACE!”
Stig disappeared in another blast of sooty water, then reappeared inches from Zali’s face –
But then he and his murky cloud of underwater puke were swept away at 100 miles per hour.
“Bleh,” Zali said. “Naughty eemp.”
Then he went back to kicking my ass.
I only had a limited number of tricks in my bag, and they were
barely helping me stay in the fight.
Out of desperation I tried ‘Terrify,’ even though I was pretty sure it wouldn’t work.
Sure enough, a computer window informed me, Subject is immune to ‘Terrify.’
But what was this?
Zali started acting like he was scared!
First his jaw dropped open in surprise.
Hatchetfish sort of look perpetually surprised, so that actually wasn’t that big a change.
The big tip-off was when he turned on his heels and ran away, waving his arms as he screamed, “Help me, help me!”
I just stood there, stupefied.
The computer says he’s immune!
So what the hell is going on?!
Zali slowed down, turned around, and bent over with laughter. “Tee-hee-hee – I am sorreee – just keeding, just keeding!”
MotherFUCKER!
“You want us to come down and help you, master?” one of the succubi on the Y-shaped crosses called out hopefully.
Suddenly, all ‘keeding’ was over.
“NO!” Zali barked. “You stay up there!”
“Why aren’t you using your succubi and incubi against me?” I yelled.
“NO! Absolute-lee not! If there is no fuckeeng in the art, there is no fighteeng in the art! NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO!”
“Okay, fine, we got it,” Alaria said as she tied her bikini top back on. “No fucking or fighting with the art. Moving on.”
We moved on, but it was just one series of humiliations after another.
No matter what I did, Zali was just too powerful.
He was barely even trying, yet I only managed to drop him down to 40% Health.
He, on the other hand, reduced me to 1%.
I was lying on the ground when he padded over to me and steepled his fingertips together.
“Perhaps we should take a break,” he suggested kindly.
“NO!” I yelled, my pride stung. “I came here to keel y– to KILL you, and that’s what I’m going to do! SO FIGHT ME, GODDAMMIT!”
“As you weesh,” he sighed, and swiped one pinky finger through the water.
I felt a slash across my throat, and everything went black.
11
The second I opened my eyes, I was back on the derelict ship in the Sargasso Sea.
Sea of Death.
Whatever.
