by A. J. Markam
“It’s when you rub up against another person, fully clothed, for sexual gratification,” she explained.
“No, I don’t think frottage is on the list, either…”
She mouthed, Anal?
“DEFINITELY not.”
“Can you use strap-ons or other toys on each other?!”
“No.”
“Goddess! Can you at least watch each other masturbate?!”
“You’re not really supposed to masturbate, not even alone.”
“WHAT?!”
“Some people say you can, as long as you don’t think about anything lustful.”
“THEN WHAT’S THE POINT?!” she yelled, then looked at me suspiciously. “How do you know so much what they believe?”
“I had a bunch of Jesus freaks in my family, but I was never religious.”
“GOOD! Those people believe in a sadist! He gives you something incredibly pleasurable, RIGHT THERE at arm’s length – ”
She gestured to her crotch.
“ – but you’re not supposed to USE it?! Your god is worse than Zali!”
“You have no idea. We haven’t even talked about people going to hell.”
“Oh?” she said, interested again. “Which one?”
“Which one what?”
“Which hell? There are seven.”
Oh yeah.
I’d forgotten about that.
“They only believe in one.”
“Well, that’s just silly. Someone should show them the other six. They can all be quite nice, if you go at the right time of the year.”
I didn’t want to get into it, so I just nodded and changed the conversation.
19
Half an hour later we reached the Great Abyss. It certainly lived up to its name.
It was like if somebody sunk the Grand Canyon underwater. I suppose the Mariana Trench might be a better analogy, but I think the Mariana Trench is 40 miles wide, whereas the Great Abyss was maybe half a mile across. It had to have at least eight miles long. How deep it was, there was no telling. I could only see down a couple thousand feet before the deep blue water turned pitch black.
There was an angled path cut into the canyon’s wall, along which intrepid adventurers journeyed into the depths.
Hundreds of players were milling around the top ledge of the cavern, just like every other dungeon I’d ever seen in OtherWorld. Groups were trying to find tanks, healers, and damage dealers to complete their parties. After all, you needed five people to enter a dungeon, and there had to be no more than ten levels between the most experienced player and the least.
Except, ever since the Adult Expansion Pack, the staging areas had turned into something of a meat market.
Instead of “Have you run this dungeon before?” or “Can you tank?” you were just as likely to hear, “Wanna have sex?”
And since I had one of the hottest women in the world at my side, I heard it a lot.
Except it was directed at her, not me.
Every goddamn male Warrior, Mage, and Paladin in the world came up and propositioned Alaria. The Priests and Shamans were generally too shy, and would just hang back ogling her.
“WHOA – you wanna have sex?”
“WOW – wanna bone?”
“Oh my GOD, you’re so hot – wanna do it?”
After the first 20 times, I got tired of chasing people away and let Alaria handle it. I mean, she loved the attention anyway, as long as they didn’t keep asking after the first rejection.
“No, I’m not into guys at the moment, but thanks,” she’d say sweetly, at which point the players would usually look crestfallen and slink off.
Of course, it wasn’t that she wasn’t into dudes. It was just our arrangement that she could bang as many women as she wanted, but no guys – an agreement that she kept to faithfully.
On the off chance the dudes didn’t get the hint and kept bugging her – often saying something like, “Well, I’m just the guy you needed to meet, then” – she would firmly tell them, “No, thank you. Please leave me alone.”
And if they were assholes about it (“Fuckin’ bitch” and “Lesbo” were the most common reactions), she would summon her flaming pitchfork.
Which, unfortunately underwater, was not flaming – but it was still suitably pointy.
“Let me be clearer: FUCK OFF,” she would roar as her wings flared out to their full wingspan, inevitably scaring the abusive ones away.
I think that was her favorite part of all, actually – when the guys were assholes and she got to yell at them.
I know it was Stig’s. He would join in on the fun by fwap fwap fwapping his finger through an OK sign he made with his forefinger and thumb. And then he would yell, “Fuckoff, fuckoff, fuckoff!”
Pure insult to injury.
He didn’t put a pause between the words, either, so it sounded like he was some sort of demented chicken chasing after them.
Ba-kaw, ba-kaw, ba-kaw!
Fuckoff, fuckoff, fuckoff!
It made for great entertainment to see a Level 30 Warrior running away from an imp making obscene hand gestures.
But after the hundredth guy hit on Alaria, I was getting tired of it. I was about to give up and just select the ‘Join a Random Group’ option when a group of four women rolled up.
Three of them were hot.
One of them was decidedly not.
And they were all staring at Alaria.
“Oh… wow,” one whispered. “Just… wow.”
“Oh momma,” another one moaned.
The other two just made guttural groans in the backs of their throats.
One was a tall redhead, a human Warrior dressed like Red Sonja – and not a Brigitte Nielsen type with short hair.
(To quote Hank Hill, the hero of that super-old animated show King of the Hill: “A brown lawn is like a pretty girl with short hair. It just ain’t right.”)
No, she had long, flowing red locks halfway down her back. Busty and thin with va-va-voom hips, she wore a chainmail bra and panties with a giant sword strapped to her back. She would have been the hottest woman at the dungeon if it weren’t for Alaria.
There was also a female Elf Shamaness, according to her player ID, who was pretty damn cute – a nice little body underneath a tight sheath of a dress.
There was a blue Tiefling Hunter who was wearing almost as little as Alaria. Tieflings were half-fiends who had horns and tails, which gave her and Alaria more than a passing resemblance. She had a blunderbuss strapped to her back that looked like it had been stolen from Elmer Fudd, although somehow it only added to her sex appeal.
The one girl I had absolutely NO interest in was a Dwarf Paladin. Not only was there the height issue (I have an extreme aversion to little-people porn), but she had short hair. Pretty face, but almost a friggin’ buzz cut.
Hank Hill would not have approved.
They were also all 34’s and 35’s.
No, not their bra size – their Levels. A good 7 to 8 above me.
But that meant I could go into the dungeon with them.
“You guys looking for a fifth?” I asked.
“We are if it’s you,” the redhead said to Alaria, totally ignoring me.
“Mmmm,” Alaria giggled, and bit the tip of her finger seductively.
“She’s my succubus,” I said. “So it’s a package deal.”
The dwarfette looked at me coolly. “Trust me when I say that no one here is interested in your package, dude.”
I raised one eyebrow, selected the dwarf’s stats, and checked out their group name.
LGBTQuesters.
How appropriate.
Better than Dungeon Dykes or Dungeon Muff Divers, I guess.
“Well, we’re trying to get into the dungeon,” I said, “so – ”
“Um, hi,” the Tiefling said bashfully to Alaria.
“Hi,” Alaria said with a seductive smile and a half-raised eyebrow.
I might as well have not been there.
> I threw up my hands and looked around in disgust.
“I, um… I’ve never done this before,” the Tiefling said, shyly brushing her hair back behind one horn as her blue skin blushed slightly purple, “but, um… would you like to… have sex?”
“YES,” Alaria said enthusiastically.
Oh HO.
The situation had just gotten a little more interesting.
You should have seen the Tiefling’s face. She looked like she’d just won the lottery.
“Oh my God, can I have sex with you, too?” the redhead Warrior asked.
“Of course!” Alaria exclaimed. “We can have a threesome!”
The Warrior’s eyes bugged out, and she glanced over at the Tiefling. “Um… Sylvie… are you down with that?”
“HELL yes,” the Tiefling said as she stared at Alaria’s tits.
Never let anybody tell you that women can’t be just as horny as men.
“Could we… could we do two threesomes with you?” the elf asked breathlessly. “I mean, after you sleep with them, maybe Hannah and I could – ”
“You mean a fivesome?” Alaria interrupted. “Of course!”
All four women stared at her in shock, their mouths wide open.
The Warrior spoke to the rest of the group. “Um… is everybody down with that? I mean… it won’t be too weird?”
“I can handle weird,” the dwarf said.
“We did buy the adult expansion pack to try new things,” the elf said in a meek little voice.
“I’m in,” the Tiefling said.
“I am SO in,” the redhead agreed.
“Ahem,” I said, clearing my throat.
All four LGBTQuesters looked at me derisively.
“What?” the dwarf snapped. She was definitely my least favorite of the four.
“We’re trying to get into the dungeon,” I said.
“So?”
“So if you’re going to have sex with her, I want in on your group when you go in the dungeon.”
All four women looked at me in disgust.
“Just like a man, trying to control a woman’s sexuality,” the dwarf sneered.
“What are you, her pimp?” the redhead asked.
“What the fuck – you’re the ones hitting on an NPC!” I snapped.
They all blanched and looked at Alaria.
“Oh – you’re not a – ?”
“Oh… oh shit…”
Alaria frowned. “What’s an NPC?”
“Wait a second – you’re a Warlock,” the dwarf growled. She was looking up above my head, so she was obviously checking my player stats. “So she’s what, your fucking slave?”
“Oh no, he freed me,” Alaria said.
“She’s not my slave, she’s my girlfriend,” I snapped.
That took them aback.
“Your… girlfriend?” the elf said in a forlorn voice.
“Yes, but I can fuck whoever I want, as long as they’re women,” Alaria reassured them cheerfully. Then she asked me in a pleading voice, “Right?”
I sighed. “…yeah… but don’t take hours.”
Alaria kissed me hard and squealed with delight. “Thank you!” Then she turned back to the four women. “There’s a little culvert over there, away from everybody else – I mean, I don’t mind doing it in front of everybody, but – ”
“NO SPECTATORS,” the dwarf snarled, then added, “Especially men.”
“Okay,” Alaria agreed happily.
“Oh my god… this is really happening…” the elf murmured in shock. “They said stuff like this happens inside the game, but it’s REALLY happening…”
“Yes,” Alaria giggled, then asked, “So which one of you is fucking Ian first?”
Silence.
All four women stared at Alaria in horror.
I almost broke out into a snort of laughter, but was able to stifle it in time.
“We’re… lesbians,” the Tiefling said to Alaria, as though trying to explain your vegan status to a person offering you meat.
Which, in a way, was a pretty good analogy.
Sausage being the particular kind of meat in this example.
Alaria turned to me excitedly. “Maybe it IS a gay dungeon! But the kind of gay you like, not that other kind of gay.”
All the women stared daggers at me.
“What’s THAT supposed to mean?!” they shouted.
I held out my hands to ward them off. “Nothing, NOTHING – ”
“I’m so happy you’re lesbians,” Alaria interrupted them with a big smile, “but one of you will need to fuck Ian if you’re going to fuck me.”
I’ll admit, I found the entire situation hilarious, and my heart soared to know that Alaria had my back. But I’d fucked enough nuns and Duchesses while she was a dungeon core that I didn’t want to deprive her of her fun.
“Babe,” I said, “I appreciate it, but you can go ahead and – ”
“No,” Alaria said resolutely, “if they want to fuck me, at least one of them has to fuck you, too.”
I grinned. That’s my girl.
“Okay, okay,” the dwarf groaned, “we’ll take him with us in the damn dungeon.”
“Wonderful,” Alaria said. “Are you going to fuck him, too?”
“NO,” both I and the dwarf shouted at the same time, then gave each other the stink-eye.
“Great – so it’ll be one of you,” Alaria said to the redhead, the elf, and the Tiefling. “Which one?”
The redheaded Warrior held up one finger. “Can you give us a second?”
“Of course.”
The four women huddled in a group nearby. They were sort of whispering, but their voices grew more heated until I could catch a good deal of what they were saying.
“Come ON, Tess, LOOK at her!” the redhead pleaded.
“I’m looking – believe me, I’m looking!” the elf snapped.
“Please, Tess,” the Tiefling moaned, “I haven’t gotten laid in six months, and I’ve never been with a girl as hot as her!”
“WOMAN,” the three chicks said at one time.
“Whatever, you know what I mean!” the Tiefling snarled.
“NONE of us have been with a woman that hot,” the Dwarf said, “and you’re bi – ”
“Not anymore!” the elf said huffily. “I identify as lesbian!”
“Yeah, but you totally used to bone guys!”
“That was back in high school before I figured things out!” the elf complained.
“Come on, Tess… please… it’s just a video game. It’s not real,” the redhead said.
I’d have to remember that argument for the Jesus freaks.
“Yeah, Tess,” the Tiefling urged, “take one for the team.”
“UGHHHH… ALRIGHT, FINE.”
“Hey,” I yelled, “I can totally hear you over here.”
All four women turned around and glared at me.
I scowled right back. “I don’t wanna fuck anybody who doesn’t want to fuck me, so – ”
“Then nobody fucks at all,” Alaria announced.
“OH MY GOD!” the redhead Warrior exclaimed, and looked at the elf. “Please, Tess! Will you just do this for ME?! For ME, Tess – FUCK HIM FOR ME!”
“ALRIGHT!” the elf groaned. “But I get the longest amount of time with her afterwards!”
“No problem!” the other three women agreed.
“Alright,” the redheaded Warrior said cheerfully, “we’re all in, and Tess here is going to… um… be with your boyfriend.”
“Great! Let’s go!” Alaria crooned, and hooked her arms through the Warrior and Tiefling’s arms as the dwarf followed, drooling.
I was so not looking forward to seeing the dwarf in all of this. I was already having PTSD-like flashbacks to when a bunch of lady gnomes tried to gangbang me in evil Santa Claus’s workshop…
Long story. Some other time.
I looked over at the elf to ‘clear my palate’ from the dwarf, you might say.
Unfortunately, the elf was looking at me like I was like chicken salad that had sat out in the sun for three days.
“Let’s get this over with,” she muttered, and set out after the others.
“Oh, this is going to be SO sexy,” I called out after her angrily.
Now I understood how Stig felt about his ‘Get Out Of Jail Free Card.’
Speaking of which –
“Hey boss, can I leave?” Stig asked. “I don’t wanna see this.”
“Yeah, buddy, just… stick close. I’ll probably come find you in five minutes or so.”
“Yeah, right,” he snorted, and walked off into the crowd of players.
I was beginning to think I should join him.
“Are you coming or not?” the elf yelled at me.
Probably not.
Ba-dump-BUMP.
I sighed and set off after the group.
20
We walked over to a much smaller mini-canyon about a quarter of a mile away from the dungeon. The walls slanted up a hundred feet above us, and there were all sorts of colorful coral growing along the slopes.
“How about here?” the redheaded Warrior.
“Great,” Alaria agreed.
“I don’t know,” the elf whined a little. “Any one of those sketchy dudes could come over here and start watching.”
“That could be fun,” Alaria suggested. “Having spectators.”
“NO,” all four women shouted at once.
“Alright, alright,” Alaria said, a little bewildered at their fervor.
“I think I have a solution,” I said as I pulled out the dungeon core.
If it was good for not killing Zali, surely it would be just as good for not getting laid.
“What’s that?” the Tiefling asked.
“Automatic pleasure palace,” I said as I plunged it into the sand.
This time I thought of a more natural substance than the pink crystal of the dungeon core. Immediately a dark, polished stone surface began to spread across the sand. I had it spiral upwards in columns and arches around us like a really awesome cross between a Hindu palace and dark mahogany, until everything joined in an ornamental ceiling overhead.
No Peeping Toms allowed.
And because nobody likes to have sex on hard surfaces (unless there’s absolutely no other place to have it, or you’re into that sort of thing), I accessed the controls and added a bed with a comfy mattress, a plush red carpet, and various pieces of furniture.
