by A. J. Markam
“OH – OH MY FUCKING GODDESS!” Alaria screamed as she arched her entire body –
And then she was squirting all over the Tiefling’s ample breasts.
“OH FUCK!” the redhead screamed as she came, too. I could feel the contractions around my cock.
“FUUUUCK!” the elf cried out as she came. I could feel her contractions right against my face.
I don’t know if the Tiefling actually came, since the dwarf had abandoned her post at the rear guard (if you know what I mean), but she was screaming, too: “Fuck yes, FUCK YES – ”
Which set me off.
“FUUUUUUUUUMCK!” I screamed into the elf’s pussy as I exploded inside the Warrior.
Rather than alarm the Warrior, it seemed to turn her on, because she kept screaming even more as she bobbed up and down on my cock. “FUCK, OH FUCK!”
And the elf seemed to like it, because she was grinding her pussy into my face as hard as she could. “FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK – ”
And Alaria was practically bathing the Tiefling from tits to tail in her juices as she screamed, “FUCK YES, FUCK YES, FUCK YES!”
After about five more seconds of that, everybody stopped coming – or at least they stopped screaming. There were a lot more aftershocks for the ladies. But basically everybody collapsed into one pile of bodies and moaned contentedly as we stroked every breast and ass we could get our hands on.
The women kissed each other… and Alaria and I made out, our tongues softly sliding over each other’s, as I tasted the other women on her lips.
21
The dwarf was the first to get up from the bed – maybe because she hadn’t just had a massive orgasm to recover from.
“Whew, that was great! Everybody ready to go dungeon diving?”
All the other women took decidedly longer to pull themselves up from the bed.
As the dwarf strapped on her plate armor, the Warrior put on her chainmail bikini, and the others pulled on their dresses and cloaks, the elf announced, “Uh… everybody? I think I might be bi now…”
I grinned in a self-satisfied way. After all, I figured I had a little something to do with that.
“You were always bi,” the dwarf announced in a bored voice.
…okay, maybe not so much.
The elf shrieked in indignation. “I was not! I’m a lesbian!”
“Give me a break, Tess,” the Tiefling said. “You’re always checking out guys’ asses in the club.”
“I am NOT!”
All her friends looked at her.
“Well… maybe sometimes…” the elf admitted. “But I stopped sleeping with guys back in high school!”
The redheaded Warrior rolled her eyes. “That’s because you only slept with douchebags who sucked in bed.”
Alaria shrugged. “Why not enjoy having sex with both men and women? I certainly do.”
“Yeah,” the Warrior agreed, then caught herself and said defensively, “But only in video games.”
“Not even THEN,” the dwarf snorted.
“What in Goddess’ name is a video game?!” Alaria demanded angrily. “You all keep saying it – what is it?!”
I just decided to make some shit up. “Back where I come from, it’s what we call when you get six naked people together and have sex. I’m assuming it’s the same for them.”
“Does it have to be six?” Alaria asked.
“Minimum.”
“Oh,” Alaria said, then brightened up considerably. “Then I LOVE video games!”
The Tiefling whispered to me, “How come she knows we’re saying ‘video game’? Any other NPC, they just ignore anything that doesn’t fit in OtherWorld.”
I didn’t want to go into the fact that I was a QCer and Alaria was a high-level AI, so I just made more shit up. “I contacted the company, but I never heard back. It’s not that big a deal, really. Doesn’t happen very often.”
“Oh,” the Tiefling said, and that was that.
After everybody was dressed, I broke down the dungeon. The walls of our little pleasure palace crumbled around us –
Revealing Stig lying on his back with a mostly empty bottle on his belly…
…and a whole bunch of horny dudes standing in the immediate vicinity.
Some of them were totally jerkin’ it under their robes.
“Ugh,” I winced.
“EWWWWWWW!” the dwarf screamed.
“Mmm,” Alaria said with a half-smile and a raised eyebrow.
Regardless of whether they were pulling their puds or not, all of the players scattered.
Stig? He wasn’t going anywhere.
“Were you assholes SPYING on us?!” the Warrior raged as she unsheathed her oversized sword.
“No!” somebody yelled as he scrambled up the embankment.
“There weren’t any windows!” another one cried out.
“So we just listened in!” another one shouted.
“That’s still technically spying!” I yelled.
“That’s eavesdropping, bro! Totally different thing!”
I wasn’t about to get into an argument on the semantics of ‘spying’ vs. ‘eavesdropping,’ so I just watched them scatter like cockroaches when you turned the light on.
Meanwhile, all four LGBTQuesters turned and looked at me angrily.
“What?!” I protested. “I didn’t know it wasn’t soundproof!”
“Totally wasn’t,” Stig said with a liquid URRRRP. “So awkward.”
“Where the hell did you get that bottle?” I yelled at him.
“Friendly people.”
“What friendly people?”
“All those people I led back here,” Stig said with another belch, “to hear the screaming.”
Then he began imitating us.
“OH! OH! OH! OH! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!” he croaked out like Yoda doing phone sex.
“STOP THAT!” I yelled at him.
“WHAT THE HELL?!” all the LGBTQuesters yelled at once.
I was about to kick Stig’s ass – and the women were about to kick mine – when a new threat presented itself.
“There they are!” a voice yelled.
We all turned to see my favorite group of Jesus freaks rounding the mouth of the mini-canyon, carrying their handmade signs.
“What the FUCK?!” I yelled.
“Foul-mouthed fornicator!” one of them shouted back.
“You know them?” the Tiefling asked in horror.
“It’s not like I want to know them,” I said. “They were outside the last city I was in, and I guess they followed me here.”
I don’t know whether it was the dwarf’s short hair or if the protestors were reaching for the worst insult they could imagine, but the crowd began to chant, “SO-DO-MITES! SO-DO-MITES!”
I frowned, then mentally retraced my way through everything that had happened over the last hour.
“Actually, I can confirm that no sodomy took place. LOTS of cunnilingus and vaginal intercourse, though!” I shouted out helpfully, and was rewarded with a shudder of disgust throughout most of the crowd.
“We’re SAPPHICS, you dumb fucks!” the dwarf yelled.
The protestors all looked at each other in confusion.
“Sa… phics… sa… phics…” a few tried half-heartedly.
Guess their wheelhouse was three-syllable words.
Two syllables?
Just couldn’t hack it.
I decided to help them out.
“SAAAA-PHICS –
“DON’T LIKE DICKS!
“SAAAA-PHICS –
“DON’T LIKE DICKS!” I chanted.
The LGBTQuesters all turned on me angrily.
“Am I lying?” I asked.
“…no,” the dwarf admitted.
“Look!” I said, and pointed at the crowd.
It was impossible to miss the look of revulsion on the faces of the protestors.
That’s when the LGBTQuesters got into it: when they saw the reaction it got.
“SAAAA-PHICS – DON’T LIKE DICKS!” they all chanted, laughing. “SAAAA-PHICS – DON’T LIKE DICKS!”
“You – you gays!” another protestor spat.
“Yup!” the Tiefling shouted back.
“Ellen DEGENERATES!” another protestor shouted.
That elicited a gasp of horror from all the LGBTQuesters.
“FUCK that bitch, she dissed Ellen!” the Warrior roared.
All four women started acting as raunchy and nasty as they could.
The Warrior made a ‘V’ with her fingers and started lapping her tongue through it.
The elf thrust one arm over another in the universal Fuck you! symbol.
But it was the Tiefling and the dwarf who took it to the next level.
The Tiefling lifted up her dress, bent over, and mooned the protestors.
There was a single, monumental gasp from the Jesus freaks –
And then the dwarf stuck her face right in in the Tiefling’s ass and just began to wallow.
The protestors actually screamed.
The Tiefling saw the reaction they were getting, and began shouting, “Lick that pussy, Hannah! Stick your tongue waaaaay inside!”
The Warrior got the idea, lifted up her chainmail bikini bottom, and began masturbating furiously.
The elf looked over at Alaria. “Do you mind?”
“Not at all,” Alaria said, then giggled in pleasure as the elf yanked down Alaria’s top and began sucking on her right nipple.
Daaaaaamn.
The protestors?
They lost their collective minds.
“AAAAAAAAHH!” they all screamed, and stampeded en masse away from our little canyon.
It was way more effective than my Terrify spell.
Well, except for the couple of laggards who stayed behind to stare at Alaria getting her tits sucked. But a couple of other protestors came back, slapped them on the backs of their heads, and dragged them away.
“Ha-haaaa! Fuck off, you fuckin’ freaks!” the Tiefling yelled.
“Fuckoff, fuckoff, fuckoff!” Stig yelled at them from where he lay on the ground.
Everybody rearranged their clothing and looked around triumphantly.
“Alright… now that we got rid of the real enemy, everybody ready for the dungeon?” the Tiefling asked.
“That was hot!” a lone dude yelled from the top of the canyon.
From the motion of his right arm, I was pretty sure he was jerkin’ it up there on top of the ridge.
“FUCK YOU!” the Tiefling yelled as she whipped out her blunderbuss and blasted a hole in the cliff.
The guy took off before he had a chance to ‘finish,’ I’m sure.
The Tiefling glowered. “Let’s go before I have to start killing motherfuckers.”
We set out for the dungeon without further ado.
22
As we stood in line for the dungeon, I took stock of the situation.
First off, I looked at my group’s ID tags. Though some of my fellow male players would have probably scorned them for being over the top, I actually thought their handles were pretty fucking funny.
Well, not the elf’s.
Ginsbergzerker was the redheaded Warrior.
Susan Be Anthrax was the dwarf Paladin.
bell right hook was the Tiefling Huntress.
And Feministaria was the elf Shamaness.
(See what I meant about the elf?)
Funny or not, I turned their ID tags off so I couldn’t see them. Their names were too long and complicated, and the girls didn’t even refer to each other by them. I knew them as Tess the elf, Sylvie the Tiefling, Alexandra the redheaded Warrior, and Hannah the dwarf.
Actually, I really knew them as the three hotties I’d fucked, and the midget I wouldn’t if you paid me.
Sorry.
The little person I wouldn’t if you paid me.
The other thing I already knew was that they were all 7 and 8 levels above me – 34’s and 35’s.
Because the dungeon averaged out all the levels of the players when creating adversaries, that meant most of the monsters we faced would be 33’s and 34’s. Not good for me, but that slight discrepancy in power would help the others.
The one trump card I held was that I was more than halfway through Level 27. I was probably going to level up pretty damn quick once we got in the dungeon – and Level 28 would bring me a new power. I hoped it was a good one and not something lame, like a passive nose-picking ability.
Next up, I looked around at my teammates.
Hannah the short-haired dwarf was the tank of the group, which made sense because of her plate armor. She carried a battle ax and shield.
There was something about dwarves being tanks. My friend Hodin – the guy I’d met at the Tomb of Tharos outside of Exardus, and who had helped me out on the Plains of Mor-El – was also a dwarf tank. Guess it was some sort of Napoleon complex. Or maybe they just liked a challenge.
Alexandra the redheaded Warrior was a DD. No, not her bra size, which was actually larger. She was a Damage Dealer and carried a five-foot-long broadsword. Her chainmail bikini was just about the worst armor ever for a Warrior, but this was an MMORPG with an audience of 80% straight guys (and lesbians, as I’d found out today), and the bikini looked sexy as hell. Especially on a six-foot-tall Amazon with huge boobs.
Sylvie the Tiefling Hunter was Damage, as well. Her blunderbuss looked slightly ridiculous, but I knew from my own experience as a Hunter (long before I worked at Westek) that the gun was probably packing some crazy abilities. For example: Explosive Shot, where the bullets could explode on impact, and Three-Way Split, where the Hunter could hit three different targets at once.
Last up was Tess the elfin Shamaness. I hadn’t seen her in action yet (well, not in the dungeon, anyway), but she would be the Healer for the group. She was tasked with healing damage taken by the others (especially the tank) and basically keeping everyone else alive.
Before we got into the thick of it, I needed to brief them on some things.
“Hey, guys – ” I started.
“We’re not guys,” the dwarf tank said snottily.
“Okay – hey, lesbians,” I shot back.
The group all gave me the stink-eye, but I didn’t care. At least I had their attention.
“As a Warlock, one of my powers is I can cast a spell and create a new respawn point for the group every ten minutes. So instead of resurrecting all the way back at the beginning of the dungeon, I can set it a lot closer to some of the mini-bosses.”
The redhead Warrior made a face like Hmmm. “That could come in handy…”
“But I’ll have to create a group everybody joins. What do you want me to call it?” I knew I shouldn’t push their buttons any more than I already had, but I couldn’t help myself. “‘Luscious Lesbians’?”
“‘Luscious Lesbians and One Straight Dork,’” the dwarf said.
I gave her the stink-eye… but she wasn’t wrong.
The Tiefling hip-checked the elf. “Newborn Bi’s,” she teased.
“That’s just Tess,” the dwarf pointed out, “and it’s more like ‘Reawakened Bi.’”
I wanted to shout out, By the power of My Almighty Cock! but I didn’t think that would go over so well.
“Just go with LGBTQuesters,” the Warrior said.
“You’ll let a straight guy in?” I joked.
“Ah, you’re an honorary lesbian after hooking us up with that sweet love shack,” the Tiefling grinned. “AND your hot-ass girlfriend.”
“Oh, honey,” Alaria teased me as she hugged me, “I always knew you could be a lesbian.”
“I don’t think that’s funny,” the dwarf grumbled.
“You don’t think anything’s funny,” the Tiefling said.
The redhead was getting impatient. “All in favor of stopping this pointless fucking conversation and naming it LGBTQuesters, raise your hand.”
The redhead, the Tiefling, and the elf raised their hands. I abstain
ed – I figured it was their decision, not mine.
“All opposed,” the Warrior said, and the dwarf tank raised her hand.
“Majority wins,” the redhead said. “Name it LGBTQuesters.”
“I still object,” the dwarf snapped.
“Objection noted, you can file a complaint with the Lesbian Review Board after we do the fuckin’ dungeon,” the Warrior snapped right back. “Send us the invites, Warlock Dude.”
I sent the invites to everyone. All accepted – except the dwarf.
“You need to accept the invite to resurrect at my gravesite,” I said to the dwarf.
She crossed her armor-plated arms with a clank. “No.”
“SERIOUSLY?!” the Warrior yelled at her.
“On principle,” the dwarf sniffed.
“Jesus, and you wonder why we don’t invite you to game more often,” the Warrior snapped.
“Jesus wonders why you don’t invite her, too?” Alaria asked.
“What?” the Warrior asked, confused.
I shook my head. “Never mind. You gu– uh, you all obviously know I’m not going to be a whole lot of help because I’m 7 Levels below you, but I have a power that lets me drain Health off my enemies and add it to my own, so at least you won’t have to heal me much, if at all.”
“That’ll help out,” the elfin Healer said.
“I should also let you know that Alaria and Stig aren’t going to be a whole lot of help in the dungeon.”
“Why, because one’s drunk off his ass?” the Tiefling snorted.
I looked down at my imp, who was lying on the sand with his ass in the air like a sleeping toddler. I sighed.
“That, and because their powers are fire-based, so… not much use in an underwater environment.”
“You’re sellin’ yourself really well, dude,” the Tiefling said.
“Just trying to manage expectations.”
“Maybe you should have told us all this BEFORE we took you on,” the dwarf griped.
I scowled at her. “You took me on because you fucked my super-hot girlfriend.”
The Tiefling laughed. “Even if we wipe, that was totally fuckin’ worth it.”
The Warrior smiled at Alaria. “It was worth it if we wipe in every fuckin’ dungeon from here to eternity.”
“Awww, you say the sweetest things,” Alaria cooed.
