by A. M. Kusi
It had taken years of therapy and learning how to love herself—for the first time in her life—to resist the urge to cut. She had only relapsed once in four years and cut herself, after Mac’s death. She had tried to hold her pain inside, repressing the hurt like she had done in her past, trying to stay in control while everything around her was falling apart. The pain of her grief had bubbled under the surface, and she had needed some way to release it. The easiest way was to open her skin.
That time had felt different though. There had been no high. No release. Cutting herself had only brought her shame and disgust. The feeling of knowing how much Mac would be disappointed in her had brought the eruption of tears and the release of six months of pent-up emotions from his diagnosis to his death.
She remembered the feeling of only being slightly aware it was her body last night. The faded white lines had seemed to open, and show her every hurt, every regret, rejection, and fear she had tried to release through the incisions.
Ella glanced at the clock and saw a note in Maggie’s handwriting. Picking it up, she looked at the clock behind it reading twelve thirty. Ella couldn’t remember the last time she had slept past six in the morning, never mind into the afternoon. She could feel panic mounting as she forced herself to read the note.
Drink some water; you need to stay hydrated. I’ve got the inn covered today. Get out of here and spend some time relaxing. Don’t freak out. I assured River this is not something that you do…ever. After meeting my mother, I think he understood how these things can happen. When you see him again, don’t forget to thank him. He looked worried about you last night. Kisses, Maggie.
Ella saw the glass of water by the clock and drank it down. She had never experienced anything like the trip she’d had last night. Time had seemed to slow to an agonizing pace. Everything around her had seemed alive. It had given her time to reflect on so much. She had seen entire worlds come alive in the simplest of objects and pondered some very deep thoughts.
She felt mortified that her guest had seen her in that state, and of the things she’d said to River. Ella’s face grew hot with embarrassment. She had told him she felt something for him and there would be no going back from that. Maybe she could avoid him for his remaining days, because this was all moving too fast for her. She was sure Emily or Maggie would be willing to take some extra shifts, and she could stick to her room or the kitchen.
Realization dawned on Ella. She had never been more out of control in her life than she had last night, and yet she’d felt safe with River. He could have taken advantage of her vulnerability—as every other man in her past had—but he didn’t. Embarrassed or not, she did need to thank him, and apologize.
Ella got up and put on a pair of jean shorts that just covered the marks on her legs. She pulled on a bright blue shirt but didn’t bother with a bra because she planned on checking in with Maggie and then hiding the rest of the day in shame. Lastly, she slipped on a pair of sneakers.
She made her way down to the kitchen and entered, finding it empty. She made herself coffee and some food quickly before peeking her head out into the breakfast nook. No guests were around, and the inn was quiet, so she timidly made her way to the lobby to look for her best friend.
There was a note on the front desk telling guests to ring the bell for service, so Ella knew her friend was close. She took a deep breath and headed towards the stairs to the guest rooms where she hoped Maggie would be, but the bell above the door rang. Ella turned to see who it was and froze mid-step, her body going rigid. Her heart seized in her chest and her lungs burned, unable to draw breath. She was paralyzed in blinding fear at the sight of the man who stood in the doorway. An arrogant lopsided grin and ice-blue eyes pointed right at her.
Declan.
Chapter 9
Ella stared into the calculating eyes of her ex-boyfriend: Declan. Her stomach knotted rock hard. She thought her heart might explode in her chest, it was beating so rapidly. Adrenaline coursed through her veins. Declan was standing in the doorway of the inn, legs spread wide. He looked older, but still handsome. His blond hair had recently been trimmed. He was cleanshaven, with fair stubble across his jaw. Declan looked like the boy next door—someone who would help mow your lawn just out of the goodness of his heart. His eyes, though—they told the true story. Ella felt dizzy from the onslaught of memories flooding her senses.
Ella was infinitely small compared to his tall broad frame. She was like the same scared girl who had run out of his apartment seven years ago. She sucked in a breath and trembled as she backed away slowly to stand behind the front desk. She kept her eyes on him, watching for any sign of an attack.
“Hey, baby. It’s been a long time. I thought you were dead,” Declan said coolly, unmoving except for the tilt of his head.
“I almost was,” Ella said defiantly. If she was going to go down, it wouldn’t be without a fight.
“Baby,” he said dismissively, taking a step towards her.
“Stay back,” Ella demanded. “Why are you here?”
Declan froze, seeming shocked by the command in Ella’s voice. “Okay. Ella, I just wanted to see that you were in fact alive. I have changed since you last saw me. I’m clean. I haven’t had a drink in a year. I regret so much. I still love you after everything you did to me.”
Ella was stunned that Declan was delusional enough to believe she had wronged him in some way. He was the same old Declan: using guilt to manipulate her.
Declan continued, “Please come back to me. Give me another chance to prove to you how much I have changed. Your mom would really love to see you too,” Declan pleaded, as he had so many times before to manipulate her.
“No. I can’t. Look, I’m happy you are doing better, but I want you to leave. Don’t come back here.” Whether or not he had gotten help and changed, it was over between them. Of that she was certain.
Declan erupted in a booming laugh. “Ahh, baby—”
Ella interrupted him, demanding, “How did you find me?”
Declan half shrugged with a smug grin. “You called your mom right around Christmas and you let it slip that a family friend had died. She knew I hadn’t given up hope of finding you, even after all this time. Being the good and loyal woman she is, Tina told me what she knew. I had my friend Bobby—you remember Bobby down at the police station?” he asked condescendingly. “Well I had him do a search of your name in Vermont. We were all worried when you disappeared. Especially after I let them know about your secret drug problem. Anyways, he searched your name and Tina’s ex—Mac, was it? He found the obituary, and after some digging, saw an Ella Shaw was listed as the sole benefactor of Mac’s estate. I took a chance and called. You answered, confirming it for me.”
Ella looked down, realizing the hang-up calls had all been from him. He’d manipulated his friend in the police department, and made up lies about her.
Declan took a few quick steps towards her, closing the distance between them before Ella could react. He grabbed her arm roughly, causing her pain. When manipulation didn’t work, Declan used force. Ella’s throat closed from fear, unable to make a sound or scream for help.
“That was pretty sly of you to convince a degenerate to adopt you, Ella. Were you screwing him too?”
“Let me go!” Ella yelled, her voice returning. She didn’t want him to see her fear because men like Declan fed off it.
Suddenly a deep voice from behind Ella spoke up. “I believe she told you to leave.”
A wave of relief washed over Ella at the sound of River.
Declan glared at River. Letting Ella’s arm go, he stood tall. Ella recognized his threatening posture and the repressed memories were triggered: Declan hitting her, screaming in her face, grabbing her, choking her.
“This isn’t any of your business, son. Move along. Me and my girl just gotta few things to work out,” Declan said.
“Actually
, I think you’re mistaken. Ella doesn’t belong to anyone. But if you’re referring to who she is dating? Well, son, that would be me. So, I think you’re the one that needs to listen to her and leave.” River grabbed Ella’s hand and pulled her safely behind him, not letting go. She was thankful for his touch. It helped ground her in a situation that was triggering so many terrifying emotions. She felt like a computer about to short-circuit from overstimulation.
“Ella, you gonna tell me you’d rather be with this Ni—”
Ella interrupted Declan before he could finish his slur. “Leave, Declan! Or I will call the police, and have you removed. Don’t call again.”
Ella heard more footsteps behind her, followed by Maggie’s voice. “They are already on their way.”
Declan stood menacingly. Her ex’s breaths were more ragged the more furious he became. His eyes were now blue flames. Ella could see him losing control and his confident facade slipping. “Remember what I told you, Ella. You are mine and you always will be. If I can’t have you, no one will.”
“Are you threatening her?” River asked, not backing down.
“Nah, son. It’s just a fact.” Declan turned and left the inn, slamming the door on the way out. He got into a blue pickup truck, then revved the engine and spun the tires before driving off.
Once Declan was out of view, Ella’s breathing quickened. She gulped in short breaths of air, feeling like she was suffocating.
Maggie walked to the window and then back to the front desk where she scribbled Declan’s license plate number on a note pad.
River still held her hand and he pulled her in close, wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug. “Long breaths. In for four seconds, one…two…three…four. Out for four seconds. One…two…three…four.”
Ella’s body shook from the adrenaline, and a few tears escaped her eyes. She nodded and followed River’s instructions, clinging to the sound of his comforting voice through the fog of panic.
***
River watched the woman who had shown such strength only moments ago fall apart in his arms. Tears began streaming down Ella’s face, and his heart shattered at the sight of her in pain. He wanted to fix this and keep her safe. His own body was still coursing with fading adrenaline. He had been on his way to the lobby to ask Maggie for an update on Ella when he’d heard a male voice call Ella baby. At first, his whole body had gone rigid. He’d stood there frozen on the steps. He’d waited until she’d needed him. As soon as he’d heard Ella’s voice sounding scared, he’d stepped in with an insurmountable urge to protect her. Seeing her ex-boyfriend and hearing the way he spoke and acted towards Ella, River finally understood why she had been so hesitant with him. Why she kept pushing him away even though she’d admitted to reciprocating his feelings.
“Lucas is on his way here, Ella, and the sheriff’s office is sending someone over. Are you okay, honey?” Maggie asked.
At the mention of Lucas’s name, River could see just how protective her friends were of her. He was glad she had people who cared for her and her safety.
Ella let go of River, wiping the tears from her eyes, and fell into her best friend’s arms. He felt the sudden loss; the only trace of her were her fresh tears and sweet floral scent on his light green shirt.
“I’m so sorry. This is all my fault,” she said, releasing Maggie and wiping the tears away from her eyes. Ella turned to River. “I’m so sorry you got dragged into this, River. I am sorry for everything. For last night, today, all of it.”
“Ella, you have nothing to apologize for,” River said firmly.
A police cruiser with flashing lights appeared, pulling into the gravel driveway in front of the inn. A middle-aged police officer exited the driver’s side, and put his hand on his weapon before entering. Ella was about to speak when the officer drew his gun and pointed it at River.
“Put your hands on your head, buddy.”
River did what he was instructed without hesitation, being sure not to raise his hands too fast. The training his friend Jax had taught him kicked in. He knew police encounters with people of color, specifically black men, could turn out vastly different than those with his white counterparts.
“Officer, he’s not the man we called you about. The man left in a blue truck a few minutes ago,” Ella said, holding up her hand in protest.
The officer looked suspiciously at River before responding. Not bothering to apologize, he said, “As you were then. I’m Officer Paul Gregory. Does someone want to explain the situation? I was told there was a hostile male threatening people.”
“It’s my ex-boyfriend. Declan Carter. He was driving a blue pickup truck.”
Maggie handed Officer Gregory the paper with the license plate details, which he took and glanced at before looking back to River. “Who are you?”
“River Parker. I’m a guest here.”
The officer’s gaze lingered on River a little longer than was comfortable.
“He’s good, Greg.” Lucas had come through the back door of the kitchen.
“Hey, Lucas.”
“Hey, man. How’s the familia?” he asked, walking over to shake hands with the policeman.
“Good. The wife is still giving me a hard time about those salsa-dancing lessons though,” Officer Gregory replied. They both laughed.
Maggie interrupted them. “We need a restraining order.”
Officer Gregory turned to look at Maggie. “Let’s sit and I’ll take a statement.”
Lucas opened his arms to Ella. “Hey, darlin’, you okay?”
She hugged Lucas, and seemed to be happy her friend arrived. River wished he was the one holding her. “He found me, Lucas. It’s my fault. I told my mom Mac passed, and I didn’t even…I just thought she would want to know. I was so upset. I should have been smarter.”
“Shhh.” Lucas patted her back. “You were grieving.”
“When you’re ready?” Officer Gregory interjected, motioning to the breakfast nook.
Ella nodded and followed him to one of the tables.
Maggie brought the officer a cup of coffee, and Ella a glass of water.
River didn’t know what to do with himself, not sure if he should stay as a witness or leave and give her privacy.
Lucas came over to him and said, “Maggie updated me on the last twenty-four hours. I gotta say, thanks, man.” Lucas reached out his hand to shake River’s.
River extended his own hand. “Nothing to thank me for. I’m just glad she’s okay.”
“She’s a fighter.”
Both men looked towards Ella, speaking quietly with the officer as she pulled her long brown wavy hair up into a high ponytail.
“I can see that…How long ago were they together?”
“She left him seven years ago and came here, but that’s her story to tell. Or not,” Lucas answered.
“He was looking for her all that time?” River asked.
“That’s what scares me,” Lucas admitted.
“You would think he would get a clue,” River added.
“With guys like him, it’s about power and fear. He thinks he still has a claim on her,” Lucas explained, his brown eyes looking concerned.
River got the sense that Lucas knew what he was talking about on a personal level. He nodded.
Maggie approached the two men with a small smile. “Ella needs to get out of here today. She needs to regroup. And I have to be here to run the inn.”
“Yeah, I am gonna stick around here in case he shows up again. Then I have to get to the pub.”
Maggie and Lucas both focused their attention towards River.
“I was heading out for a hike, but I doubt she will want to go with me. She seems to have a strict no-mixing-with-guests policy,” River said, switching his gaze back and forth between the pair.
“I think after last night, the boundaries
of hostess and guest have been crossed. Leave Ella to me.” Maggie winked.
Chapter 10
Ella explained her history with Declan to Officer Gregory, and then recounted the events of that afternoon. She also told him about the phone calls. The lack of bruising on her arm meant there was nothing she could press charges for. The officer promised to look into it, but since Declan didn’t actually threaten bodily harm, and she couldn’t prove the phone calls were threatening, there wasn’t much to go on.
The officer instructed her to apply for a temporary restraining order at the courthouse and promised to consider everything else. He was there for an hour and a half talking to Ella, and then getting River and Maggie’s statements. He left with a wave, and Lucas walked him out to his patrol car.
Maggie stood next to Ella, rubbing her back comfortingly while Ella stared out the window, stunned and drained from the afternoon’s events. River walked past her line of vision with a backpack, breaking her out of her trance.
She brought herself back to the present as his woodsy, masculine scent reached her nostrils. Sucking in a quick breath, Ella felt completely transparent—as if everyone in the inn could see everything she had tried to hide inside for so long. A few curious guests had milled about throughout the process, staring at the officer and then at Ella, or River. Ella was angry that these strangers might assume the worst about River, whether it was because his skin was darker, or because he was in the presence of a police officer. Her face was tearstained. It had been an ordeal having to walk Officer Gregory through her dark history with Declan.
“You need a day or two to yourself, El,” Maggie began. “I’ve got the inn covered. Lucas is going to stay around today until he needs to be at the pub. You need to go and get some fresh air.”
Maggie eyed River.
River seemed to take this as his cue and suggested, “Ella, I was going to hike the local trail to the waterfall. Will you come with me?”
