by Layne Harper
“We need a shower, baby,” I say again.
I’m so embarrassed. “Please don’t make me explain why Colin,” I silently plead.
I already have a warm, wet washcloth in my hand and am heading into the toilet room. My eyes are on the floor because I can’t look at him. I’m too humiliated. I’ve never had sex while I’m having my period and I never will again. This is so awful.
Colin walks across the bathroom with two quick steps and takes the washcloth from me and tosses it aside. He pulls me to him. “I don’t care, Charlie. It’s you. I’m fuckin’ in love with you.”
Before I can respond, he drags me to my shower, and we step under the shower water together. He holds me in his all-consuming embrace until the water runs cold.
The shower washes my embarrassment away. I’ve never felt so loved and wanted in my entire life.
* * *
I handled Colin moving into my closet quite well. I didn’t panic when we shoved my shirts together losing the customary inch that I like between my hanging clothes. I cleared out two drawers in my closet for him to put his workout clothes in. We both laughed at how large his trainers are next to my running shoes. My bathroom has double vanities so I didn’t have to move anything for his toiletries.
I congratulate myself. I did it. I’m sharing my personal space with him and without so much as a glass of wine to calm me down. My therapist will be proud. Money well spent.
We decide to set up an office for Colin in my guest bedroom on the first floor. Right now, I have a full size bed in the room. It’s mainly where my sisters or Brad crash when they’ve had too much to drink to drive home. Usually when Rachael comes to visit, she sleeps with me.
Colin and I lean the mattress against the wall and push the night stand so that it’s out of the way. Now, there’s enough space for Colin to put a desk or table for his laptop. It’s not a bad office. There are French doors that lead to a microscopically small backyard. I have bamboo planted and rocks as ground cover so I don’t have to worry about grass or weeds. There’s also a bathroom that guests use on this floor of my house.
Colin looks around satisfied with our progress. “I’ll buy a desk and chair when I’m out tomorrow, but I think that this’ll work,” he says surveying the soon-to-be-converted guest bedroom. “When Jenny needs to visit, we’ll just put her up in a nearby hotel.”
I exhale. I’ve overcome the hurdle of my home being invaded by Colin, and I’ve survived. I haven’t felt the need to run to calm myself down. This really is a huge step for me.
I wrap my arms around his waist and look up at him. “I’ve got a refrigerator filled with food. Would you like for me to make us some dinner, and you can find us a movie to watch? I’ve got a busy day at the office tomorrow so I don’t want to stay up too late.”
He leans down and kisses my forehead, “Sounds like a plan to me.”
He swats my behind as I turn to walk out of the room. As my foot hits the top stair of my great room, Colin yells, “Hey Charlie! I’m really proud of you. You didn’t need for to talk you off the ledge once.”
He’s right. I did very well, and I’m glad that he noticed. It really means so much to me that he gets my need for my own space. After growing up in a house where I shared a bedroom and closet with my oldest sister, Chelsea, and a tiny bathroom with my three sisters, having my own things and room are very important to me. I crave order and the knowledge that I can find my things when I need them. It’s not a need that I was able to fulfill until I began sharing an apartment with Rachael in college. This’s one facet of my issues with control that I’ve not been able to overcome, but I obviously have improved. I don’t feel the need to run ten miles now. Colin knows me. He gets it.
I decide to make spicy meat and vegetable soup. Fortunately, my housekeeper has the refrigerator stocked so everything that I need is here. Colin takes a seat at the kitchen island and asks if there is anything that he can do to help. I hand him a cutting board and knife.
“I didn’t really mean for you to say yes,” he laughs as he stares at the knife.
“I need help cutting the tomatoes. Please cube them for me. You can do this, baby. I know that you can,” I instruct and give him a chaste kiss on his cheek.
I begin browning the beef in my soup pot. I keep glancing at Colin. Awkward doesn’t even begin describe what he looks like. At this rate, it’s going to take him thirty minutes to cube one tomato. I could do it for him, but I’m not going to let us fall into the habit where I do all the cooking.
“Colin, when you aren’t eating out, what do you do for supper?” I ask. It’s obvious that he isn’t preparing meals for himself.
“Well…” he replies as he gives the tomato a rotten look as it slips out of his hand. “I make myself an egg white omelet for breakfast every morning. I usually have lunch at the gym or wherever I am. Supper just kinda seems to happen.”
He stops for a moment thinking about the question. “I don’t know? I eat. I just don’t think about food very much.”
All the ingredients are in the soup, and I really need the cubed tomatoes. I walk over to him and grab what he’s already cut. I take the cutting board and knife away from him. If we plan on eating this soup in the next week, I need to cube the rest.
“Why don’t you have a chef?” I know that he can afford it.
He laughs and stands up to watch me finish cubing the tomato taking meticulous mental notes. I know that he’s frustrated that he can’t do it as well as me. “I was just asking myself that same question a couple of weeks ago. I’ve got a great kitchen. When we move back to Dallas, we’ll interview chefs together.”
I drop the now cubed tomatoes in the soup and turn the burner to high to bring the soup to a boil. The rolling bubbles of the soup match my emotions. Did he just say “when WE move back to Dallas?”
I keep staring at the pot of soup. I start taking deep breaths. I turn and walk to the refrigerator and fill my wine glass. My hand begins to shake so badly that I put my glass down quickly so I don’t spill it. This is too much for one day. I just moved him into my home. I can’t talk about uprooting my life and moving to Dallas just yet.
Colin’s suddenly touching my shoulders. I’m not ready for him to touch me yet. He slowly turns me around, but I don’t pick my head up. I don’t want him to see the panicked look on my face.
I will him to leave me alone, but he doesn’t. He keeps standing over me with his large hands on my shoulders. I know that he’s not going to say anything. He’s going to wait until I speak, but he isn’t going to give me space either.
Once I get my breathing under control, I look up at him. “You’re planning on me moving to Dallas?” I’m pleasantly surprised at how strong my voice sounds. It does a nice job of camouflaging the panic in my stomach.
His green eyes are soft and compassionate. He’s not angry or frustrated with me. “It’s just a thought, Charlie. I want to be with you as much as possible. Once I’ve got to be in Dallas full time, I guess I hoped that you would come with me.” He’s so calm. This is such a rational conversation.
I try to match his emotional level. I state very calmly, “What about my medical practice? I can’t just leave my patients high and dry. Or my dad, for that matter. I’ve got a lot of people who depend on me for their paychecks.”
I turn away from him and walk to the stove. I turn the burner down to low and put the lid on the pot. The distraction is good for me. It gets me away from Colin for a second and allows me to think about something else besides my life being completely out of order.
Colin walks over to my love seat and sits down. He leans his forearms on his knees, but he doesn’t drop his head. I take this as a good sign that we might actually have a conversation about this without him looking defeated. I sit in my club chair across from Colin while I sip my glass of wine. We’re separated by the round coffee table, but we might as well be across the country in where we saw this relationship heading in terms of our living arrangement.
You can knock me over with a feather. “Colin,” I stammer. “I meant that I’d be there for you in the stands cheering you on. I’d be at all of your games… that I would see you every weekend. I never meant to imply that I was going to give up my medical practice and move to Dallas. I love you and want to be with you, but my professional life’s here in Houston.”
Colin stands up and begins to pace across my town home. I always thought that my home was large, but suddenly it feels way too cramped for the both of us. He begins running his hands through his hair making his short light brown waves completely unruly.
“You know, Charlie. Everything after the word ‘but’ is what you really mean.” He’s clearly angry at me, but I’m not sure exactly why.
I quickly think back to my last sentence. I remember that I said something like I love him but my medical practice is in Houston. Oh my goodness! I need to clarify my statement very quickly. Giving up being a doctor is not something that I’m willing to negotiate. He has to realize this.
I lean back in my chair trying to be more relaxed. “Okay Colin. In your perfect world, how do you see our future playing out?” I try so hard to keep my voice even, but I know that my anxiety seeps in just a little bit.
He stops his pacing and looks at me with bright green eyes. “You can move your practice to Dallas. The only thing that’s tying you to Houston is your father. You can practice medicine in Dallas just as easily as you practice here,” he says so matter of fact that I almost believe how easy that would be.
“Please come sit down. Your pacing’s making me nervous,” I request.
He obliges me and takes a seat on my couch. I shift in my chair so that I can see him better. “My dad gifted me 49% of the practice when I completed residency. He gave it to me with the understanding that I’d take over the insurance side of the practice so he could focus on the professional athlete side. So, you see, I’m not just a doctor who treats patients, I’m a business owner. We’re accountable to each other as doctors and business partners.” I really hope that I explained that clearly and that he understands my not wanting to move to Dallas has nothing to do with my feelings for him.
He just stares at me. I can see that he’s contemplating what I just said. He’s a business man as well as a professional athlete. He has to sympathize with the position that I’m in.
Finally, he replies, “I still don’t understand why you can’t move your part of the practice to Dallas? It’s a fifty minute plane trip. You can live in Dallas with me and come down two days a week to consult with your dad on cases but only see patients in Dallas.” Colin has regained some of his swagger back. I can tell that he believes that he’s solved the problem. That’s my fixer.
“Honey, do you have any idea how expensive it is to set up a practice? So much of our income is based on the physical therapy side of the business. I like that I diagnose my patients and then get to follow them through the rehab process. I couldn’t possibly afford to replicate the physical therapy set up in Dallas.”
I’m no sooner finished than Colin replies, “Are you just trying to find reasons to not make this work?” He stands up and begins to pace again. He’s now angry with me. I guess the honeymoon is officially over. Our first fight in my house - should I scrapbook this moment?
“I don’t…don’t know what you mean?” I stammer.
He says with piercing green eyes and anger in his voice. “I throw out a perfectly reasonable solution and you shoot it down because of money. Do you think for a second that money’s an issue? Do you not want this relationship to work, Charlie? Are you not feeling what I’m feeling, here?” His shoulders slump when he’s done.
I stand up and run to him pulling him in a tight embrace. “I love you and am crazy about you. You’re right. You gave me a solution, and I shot it down. Let me think about it. You know that I have to live with my problems and contemplate solutions. You just threw me for a loop. Give me some time to think. Okay?” I plead with him.
I feel his body relax, and he returns my hug. “Thank you. That’s all that I ask.”
His defeated behavior and body language is manipulation. He knows that I’m a fixer also so he uses the defeated body language to help persuade me to his opinion. I know that he does this. Yet, I still give in. Every. Damn. Time. The question is does he consciously know that he’s doing it? I can’t decide. Part of being a great quarterback is acting. He cuts his eyes to the left and throws to the right. He pretends to throw the ball, but instead he tucks and runs with it or hands it off. When we disagree or he’s trying to persuade me to his way of thinking, I believe that Colin sees me as his opponent and uses the tricks that he’s been using since he began playing football to win or beat me into his way of thinking. I note this and make sure that I bring it up with my therapist.
I glance at the clock and know that the soup is ready, but I‘ve got no appetite left. He’s given me so much to consider. I need a long run to think about Colin’s solution to my Dallas Dilemma. After the indulgences in New Orleans and our discussion about where I’m going to live, I’m going to have to wake up earlier than usual so I can get more miles in.
The rest of the evening is much lighter. I have a small bowl of soup, and Colin eats three bowls. Apparently, the guy can still shovel food in even if he’s not particularly happy with me. We cuddle on the couch and watch The Hangover because Colin’s appalled that I’ve never seen it. I laugh at all the appropriate spots which pleases him to no end. Then, we crawl into bed, and Colin cuddles me until I fall asleep wrapped in his strong arms.
Chapter Six
I HAVE the unique ability to tell my body when I want to wake up. Usually, I still set an alarm clock just in case my super power misfires. Today, my ability kicks in perfectly as I slip out of bed at five o’clock without waking Colin which should be a super power in and of its self. I quickly turn off the alarm clock and sneak into the bathroom. I quietly change into my running gear, grab my phone and ear buds, and slip out of the house undetected.
I feel sort of bad for sneaking out on Colin, but I need some time to myself. He doesn’t understand my need to be alone. He never did.
The weather this morning is perfect Houston late winter/early spring temperature. I start off my run in a light sweat shirt but take it off after the second mile and tie it around my waist. I’ve got a fun running mix of pop artists playing. I decide to run by my therapist’s house this morning and check on my favorite tree. I also jog by my mom’s home and see both my sister’s cars in the driveway. I need to call and see what’s going on with them. I also should probably clue them in that Colin’s back in the picture. I contemplate running by my dad’s house but decide not to. He might see me and invite me in for coffee.
As I run, I turn over in my head my Dallas Dilemma as I have affectionately started calling it. The conclusion that I’ve come to is that my dad and I could hire a doctor to take my place in Houston. It would cost a fortune, but I could set up my practice in Dallas. We could essentially create a Houston and Dallas division of our practice. However, Colin and I’ve been reunited for about ten days. It seems way premature to start talking about relocating my practice. Colin and I need to make sure that we can live together and still function as a couple. We really need to survive one football season as a couple before I consider uprooting my life. Surely, he’ll be able to see that this is a rational first step.
By the time that I arrive back at my town home, I feel significantly better… almost light hearted. I’m going to live with the idea for a couple of weeks before I talk to Colin about my conclusions.
When I walk up the stairs and open the front door, I’m confronted with a bear of a man. Colin’s sitting at the kitchen island in running shorts, T-shirt, and his tr
ainers on. He’s fuming. He has a glass of water and coffee mug sitting next to him. I know that they’re not his. I walk inside and head straight for him hoping that I can explain my morning run without him.
He holds up his hand telling me to stop. “Do you want water or coffee?” His tone is even, but anger is radiating off of him in waves.
“Water, please,” I reply sweetly.
He hands me the glass, and I begin stretching on the floor near him making sure that I do the widest straddle stretch possible.
“Any particular reason you didn’t wake me up to run with you?” He asks doing a poor job of hiding his anger.
I reach for my toes to deepen my straddle stretch. “You were so comfortable that I just decided to run by myself this morning at let you sleep.” I lie through my teeth, but my voice does not betray me.
“How far did you go?” He asks not taking his stormy green eyes off of me.
“Look Colin,” I say in a defeated voice. “Do you want the truth or the lie?” I continue quickly because I know his answer. “I ran fifteen miles. I needed to think about some stuff. I’m fine.”
“When do you see your therapist again?”
“Next week.” I reply evenly. There’s no need for me to ask why. He clearly thinks that my eating disorder is a problem again. There’s no use trying to persuade him otherwise.
“Speaking of that,” I continue. “She thinks that it would be a good idea for you to join me.” I toss it out there and wait to see what Colin’s going to say. He doesn’t know that I plan to bring up the whole wanting to get me pregnant thing in front of him, and all the new revelations over the weekend.
He stands up and walks over to me and stares down into my lavender eyes. “I’ll be joining you at that appointment, and you will not go running without me again.”
I want to reply in a very bratty tone, “Yes, Dad.” But, I don’t because there’s no use in making him any madder.
