by Layne Harper
I’m stunned. The seven women who I adore the most are all positioned around the same island that last night bore the brunt of Colin and my father’s argument. The tears that I had somehow managed to keep to a trickle begin bursting forth as if a dam has broken. I begin to shake. I’m sobbing so hard that Rachael runs to me and gathers me in her arms.
She walks me to my sofa, and gently sits me down. Rachael holds me while I cry. Everyone else busies themselves in the kitchen giving me a few minutes. They know that Rachael above everyone else has been the constant rock of support in my life. She’s my other half. Rachael whispers words of love and comfort to me. She’s so petite that I dwarf her as she holds me, but I feel safe and protected with her tiny arms supporting me. She’s the only person in my life who doesn’t have a stake in it. Rachael loves me for me. She doesn’t care where I live, where I work, or if my dad will have Christmas with me. She’s my cheerleader. When life kicks me in the teeth, it’s been Rachael who has swooped in, just like today, to save me.
I tremble in her arms as she rubs my back. I’ve tried so hard to be strong, confident, and self-assured through all of this. Knowing that I don’t have to pretend with Rachael or my sisters removes the weight from my shoulders and apparently the dam keeping my emotions in check.
When I’ve calmed my tears down, Chelsea brings me a glass of water and a cold towel. As she hands them to me, she smiles. “Dad’s a dick. Always has been. Always will be. Forget him and come enjoy your family that loves you.”
I have no idea how she knows what’s going on. I haven’t told anyone, but in that moment, I don’t care. I need all of their support right now, especially Sarah and Tiffany’s.
Once I’ve gotten myself composed, I make my way around the kitchen island hugging my girls. Sarah and Tiffany both drove in from college to be here to support me. I keep thanking them for making the drive and being here. Then, I get to my mom. Every girl might crave their daddy’s approval, but they want their mommy’s love. Nothing has felt better or more reassuring than my mom’s two arms around my neck. She pats my back and whispers in my ear, “I love you, Caroline. You’re my brave, smart girl.”
When I’m done greeting everyone, I ask, “How did y’all know to come?”
Rachael smiles at me. “Colin.Fucking.McKinney. He took your phone, got my number and called me. I had a ticket at the airport for the next flight home. He asked me to call the rest of the Collin’s ladies to be here to support you.”
My emotions are on a pendulum. Right now, they’ve swung to the “can’t live without Colin” extreme. Then, as if on cue, he walks up the stairs from the first floor. His black suit is not quite as polished as it was when we left the house a couple of hours ago. Colin’s tie has been loosened, and the top button of his dress shirt is undone. The lines around his eyes are deeper. Our eyes lock across the room. We have a lot that we need to discuss, but it can wait. Right now, I want my man to become reacquainted with my girls.
He gives me a tentative look. I know that he’s attempting to read my mood. Am I furious with him? Am I leaving him? Can I not live without him? He doesn’t make a move. I realize that the kitchen has become very quiet. Everyone is waiting to see what I’m/we’re going to do next. When I reach Colin, I stand up on my tiptoes and whisper in his ear, “thank you for giving me my girls.”
He kisses me on the cheek, and I feel him melting in relief. He nods his head, and whispers, “enjoy your girls tonight and we’ll get back to reality tomorrow.”
Then, to the room, I turn and say, “Collin’s ladies and Rachael. I would like for you to once again meet Colin.” It sounds funny as I say it out loud so I make the joke, “Colin, just so you know, I’m your only Collin’s lady.”
The room gives me the obligatory giggle that I want, and I introduce him around the room. He remembers everyone but gets Tiffany and Sarah confused. They were little girls when he was around for what I’ve started referring to as Round One of our relationship. I notice him whispering something to Rachael, and she nods her head. Colin grabs his phone and sends someone a text. I wonder if he’s inviting Aiden over. I hope that I’m right.
After a little while, as all of us are competing to see who can talk the loudest, Rachael uses a knife to tap her wine glass and yells, “May I have your attention please?” Everyone stops talking and turns to her. “As you all know, my best friend Caroline and I started a tradition many, many years ago. On the first day of every school year, we’d go to a restaurant and eat dessert first. Then, we’d order an entrée and share it. We’ve never made it to the appetizer menu. After we graduated from college, it has become our way of celebrating. Dessert always first. Tonight, we are going to have a celebration supper.”
We all look at Rachael like she’s crazy because there is nothing worth celebrating right now. She continues, “We’re celebrating that all of us are together in the same room. We’re celebrating that Colin and Caroline have finally realized what we all knew eight-years-ago. They’re meant to be together. Most of all, we’re celebrating that Caroline has the unconditional love and support of everyone in this room. Let’s eat some cake!”
I know that I must look ridiculous. My tear stained face is beaming and my heart is filled with love for everyone in this room. My mom begins to cut her famous chocolate Coca-Cola cake and serves the pieces around the room. Sarah begins refilling wine glasses. I notice that Colin politely declines the wine, but he does take a piece of cake. I’m happy that my bad food habits may be influencing him to cheat every now and then. He needs to live a little.
When my oldest sister Chelsea takes a seat at my dining room table, she comments with a smirk on her face, “Caroline, what’s up with the two piles of wax on your table?”
Colin laughs and sheepishly replies, “Who knew that there were such things as no drip candles?”
Chelsea gives me a knowing wink.
Happiness. Happiness is having the love and support of your family. I feel warm with love, and it’s the best feeling ever.
I catch Tiffany staring at Colin. I know that she would love to get a picture of him to stick on Instagram so she can show off to her friends. When I’m able to steal Colin away from my mom, I suggest that he ask Tiffany and Sarah if he can take a picture with them. Colin whispers in my ear, “Ahhh… my adoring public.” That earns him an elbow in the ribs.
While my mom, Julie, and I plate the homemade spaghetti, I notice Aiden slip into the room. I secretly watch Rachael and Aiden say hello to each other. I smile to myself. Aiden and Rachael are still the yin and yang in my mind. His beautiful ebony skin and her pale complexion are a striking contrast. His large build dwarfs her petite frame. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all find love again?
Colin sees me watching the two of them chat. He leans over and whispers only for me to hear, “remind you of another couple?”
I smile and kiss his cheek. Maybe when you’re in love you see love everywhere. I hope so because I’d like nothing more than for Rachael to be happily in love.
Once everyone has a plate, wine glasses have been refilled, and everyone has found a spot, Colin stands up and takes command of the room. “Excuse me ladies and Aiden. I would like to say something.”
Colin has the whole rooms’ attention. “First of all, thanks for coming on such short notice. Next, I’d like to ask all of you for your forgiveness. Charlie and I didn’t, maybe, handle things as well as we should have when we broke up.”
When Colin calls me Charlie there’s an uncomfortable tension that fills the air. All five sets of my sister’s eyes look at me waiting for my reaction. My girls know better than anyone else how much sadness that I attached to my nickname and how important it was to me to go by Caroline.
“It’s okay,” I reassure them. “Colin calls me Charlie sometimes. I’m okay.”
Colin realizes what’s going on and quickly smiles at me. “I thought it was just the public. I didn’t know it was family also.”
I smile reassuringly at
him and gesture toward my family. “Go ahead. I’m enjoying the show.”
“Anyway, once again, I know that I may not be your favorite person, but I want you to know that I love Caroline,” he says adding extra emphasis on my name. “And having her back in my life is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I know that my words probably have very little meaning after you saw her in tears today, but we’re going to get this figured out. I’m not naïve enough to think that our life will always be happy, but I promise to do everything in my power to make sure that she knows how much I love her every single day of our lives.”
The Collins’ girls give him a collective “ahhhhh…” They’re all a bunch of saps that dig a good love story.
I take his hand and squeeze it. He sits down and looks at me with his beautiful green eyes and whispers, “I meant every word Caroline.” Once again, there’s extra emphasis on “Caroline.”
I know that he meant every word. I also know that Colin’s really good at saying that he’s sorry. I appreciate his gesture towards my family, and I love him for it. I wish his “I’m sorrys” would fix the relationship with my dad and reverse the football team mandates against our practice. I let out a sigh. Not tonight, Caroline. Enjoy your girls.
Colin only eats his meatballs. This isn’t his kind of meal, but he’s doing a good job of not offending my mom. I’m proud of him.
As per our tradition, we still haven’t made it to the appetizers. After everyone is finished eating, we congregate on the couches. My mom busies herself cleaning my kitchen. I know that she’s uncomfortable hearing me talk about my business with my dad, but she isn’t uncomfortable enough to not listen.
Colin and I sit beside each other on the fireplace hearth. He gently raps his arm around my shoulders while I fill everyone in on the last couple of weeks of my life. I skip over the confession run and fantastic love making in Los Angeles. The girls sit very quietly and only ask questions at the end. I notice that Aiden must’ve slipped away while I was talking because he’s nowhere to be seen.
I glossed over Colin’s confrontation with my dad. I didn’t want to go into the details, and thought that it would make Tiffany and Sarah uncomfortable. They obviously know that their mom and dad had an affair. There’s no point in making them feel shameful or that my situation is somehow their fault. I may have wished that my mom and dad didn’t get divorced, but I adore my half-sisters.
Chelsea, being the oldest and bossiest sister, can’t just let sleeping dogs lie. “I want to know why dad is so mad at Colin.”
I try to give her an evil look to shut her up, but she either doesn’t see me or chooses to ignore me. Colin starts getting fidgety next to me. I simply reply, “Colin and Dad both feel the other is responsible for my eating disorder. Both of them love me, and don’t want to see me hurt.”
Chelsea knows that there’s more, but she thankfully doesn’t push it.
Once the questions have stopped, my quietest and most introspective sister Amy speaks up. “You’ve really been served a raw deal. I think that you should do the interview to clear your name and send the letters to the football team presidents. But, don’t work with dad ever again, Caroline. I always thought it was bad idea, but I never said anything. It’s time you stepped out of his shadow.”
All of us, Rachael included, sit there with our mouths hanging open at Amy’s comment. Amy is the peacemaker. Amy is the one who says nothing, but takes everything in. Amy just essentially told me to tell my dad to go to jump in a lake.
Once I’ve recovered from my shock, I stammer, “Thanks Amy. I appreciate your thoughts.”
She just smiles and will probably say nothing else the rest of the evening.
I’m exhausted, but it’s only eight o’clock. Colin catches me yawning as I try to hide it. It’s so rare that all of my sisters and Rachael are in the same room that I don’t want to waste a minute of our together time. I mouth a “thank you” to Colin.
He flashes me the Colin McKinney half smile and mouths back, “my pleasure.”
I notice that Aiden has returned from wherever he’s been. He catches Colin’s eye, and they both head downstairs to Colin’s office. I wonder what’s going on, but I choose to not push it. That’s a problem for tomorrow. Tonight, I’ve got my girls.
Julie begins her campaign for us to have a reality show. She points out that we’re very similar to the Kardashian sisters except we don’t have a brother. Chelsea suggests that we could use Brad as our brother. Then, we all get the giggles when we imagine my mom as Kris Jenner. My mom is so prude that when we brought boys home from college they had to sleep in our old bedroom, and we had to take the couch. Putting any of us on birth control was not a subject ever discussed with my mother. The idea of my mom as a “momager” is absurd.
My mom simply replies, “And look how great y’all turned out.” I guess even us girls can’t argue with that logic.
Julie refuses to let the discussion go until we all promise to start spelling our last name with a “K.” She is particularly jealous of Chelsea and me who vow, just to shut her up, to change our names to Khelsea and Karoline Kollins.
Next the conversation topic shifts to Rachael. Everyone wants to know about her life in Washington D.C. She’s the Chief of Staff for one of the Texas Senators who, it’s rumored, may run for President in the next election. I’m so proud of my friend. She’s smart and beautiful but most importantly she knows how to use the combination to her advantage.
Then she drops a bombshell. “Girls, I’m thinking about running for Congress.”
There’s a collective squeal that erupts across the room. We shout encouragement and all promise to work on her campaign and vote for her.
Tiffany and Sarah fill us in on Texas A&M gossip, boys, and future careers. I’m so proud of my sisters. They were raised in a very privileged home, but they’re down-to-earth, sweet girls. Then, Tiffany admits that she’s thinking about medical school. I can’t wait to pull her aside and start giving her medical school advice.
Colin and Aiden slip quietly back into the room. I notice Aiden and Rachael gravitating toward each other while Colin beelines for me. You’d have thought that Colin and I had been separated for months by the way he pulls me to him. “You okay, baby?” he asks.
“I’ve got my sisters, mom, and Rachael. They love me. I’m good,” I reply.
“Good beautiful girl.” He kisses me on the forehead. “You scared me when you left the attorney’s office. I didn’t know what had happened,” he gently prods me.
“Not now Colin. I want to enjoy tonight. Tomorrow will come soon enough.” This is my mantra for the evening.
“Fair enough. By the way, have you seen Aiden and Rachael together?” he asks with a smirk on his face.
“I have, and I’m happy. Maybe the two of us need to sit down and compare notes on our best friends.”
Another bottle of wine is opened and passed, and then the Kollins (as we are now spelling our name) sister’s decide to make this into a party. Julie digs into my built-ins and pulls out the game Say Anything. The night degrades from there. We make my mother blush. Chelsea even makes Colin blush which is hard to do with his olive complexion and career choice. Rachael and Aiden seem to be teaming up to try to beat Chelsea and Julie. We laugh until our sides hurt. Bliss. This is my version of bliss.
Around midnight, everyone starts yawning. Sarah and Tiffany tell me goodbye and head home to our dad’s house. I know that they’ll tell him where they’ve been, and I hope that my dad will not give them a hard time. They’re such good girls, and I love them tremendously. I don’t want them caught in the middle of my mess.
Next, my mom and Amy leave together. My mom gives me a hug and a reluctant smile. “I love you, Caroline. You’re a smart, beautiful girl. I know that you’ll do what’s right.”
Julie kisses me goodbye and makes me promise to start spelling my name correctly. Chelsea refuses to leave until Colin and I promise to invite her to Dallas and introduce her to hot foo
tball players. I don’t mention that she’s thirty-two, and that she’s too old for most of the guys on Colin’s team.
The last to leave are Rachael and Aiden. Aiden promises to give Rachael a ride back to her hotel. I secretly hope that that it’s code for, “I’m going to go get reacquainted with your best friend.” Rachael and I promise to talk tomorrow.
After my final guest has braved their way through the line of cameras outside my town home, Colin looks at me and asks while he yawns, “Ready for bed?”
I’m mentally and physically spent. I need to figure out where my head’s at. Frankly, I also need to find out what Colin’s thinking. The idea of the two of us doing a national television interview together is terrifying especially after what Colin revealed in New Orleans about trying so hard to keep his private life private. I’m worried about Colin. Maybe Mark’s right. Maybe I am more of a problem for Colin than good for him. Maybe his life was better before we bumped into each other in Los Angeles. Mark’s right about one thing. We’ve certainly created our fair share of drama.
Chapter Fifteen
I’M DROWNING. I can’t breathe. Oh God! Make it stop. I gasp trying to fill my lungs with the oxygen that they’re demanding. I sit up straight in bed. I’m raising my arms trying to get air into my lungs. It’s not helping. All I can think about is breathing. I need air. I need it now, or I’m going to pass out. My heart is attempting to beat its way out of chest.
Colin’s terrified. He’s not touching me, and he’s yelling something. I can’t understand him. All I can think about is trying to take in a gulp of air. I stand up and race into my bathroom, turning on the cold water faucet, and begin splashing water on my face.
I know instinctively that this is a panic attack. I’m a doctor so I know that I can’t die from it. However, they’re scary as hell. I haven’t had one since before I moved back to Houston. I keep reassuring myself that I’m okay. Slowly my lungs begin to take in the precious air that they crave, and I can feel my heart rate decreasing.
