by Hall, Marie
Without missing a beat, Javi gets up and walks to the blond wood guitar sitting on a metal stand in the corner of his room.
Handing it to Lili, he crawls back under the sheets and tucks them tight to his chin, his eyes once again rest on the ceiling.
Biting the corner of her lip, she exhales and tosses me a shy glance. “Okay, Ryan, no laughing, you got it?” she asks as she begins to tune the strings.
I hold up my hands. “I swear. Boy scouts honor.”
Snorting, she pops a tortoiseshell pick between the corner of her mouth. “I bet you were never a boy scout.”
True.
Discordant sounds spill from the guitar and I have to fight to keep from chuckling. Either she’s really nervous, or she’s still learning.
“I only ever sing for him, he doesn’t care if my voice cracks. Now, I’m going to close my eyes, don’t touch me, breathe on me, or tickle me. Got it, Mister?” She pins me with a frosty glare, one brow raised and her nose curled, reminding me of a little Chihuahua. All bark and no bite.
I cross a giant X over my chest.
Doing a quick three breath count, she takes the pick out of her mouth and strums the first chord.
I was wrong.
She can play.
Her fingers are nimble as she slides them down the neck and the song that fills the air is haunting and hypnotic.
Long lashes flutter against her cheeks as she sings.
At first the sound is wooden, stilted. As if she’s aware I’m in the room. But after a while, I know she’s forgotten all about me. She’s been transported to another place. There’s light inside of her, and it’s spilling out. Coating everything it touches as her throaty voice hugs me.
Javier’s just as affected.
I wonder if she always sings with her eyes closed.
I think she must, because otherwise she’d have known the truth.
Vaguely, I recognize the lyrics. Know it’s another Fleetwood song, I’ve heard it before… somewhere, a long time ago.
A song about love, about falling and wanting to be with you everywhere.
Just as she sings that line, Javi looks at her. Dead in her face and I feel like a bastard, because I get to see what I knew she hasn’t.
Love.
It’s all around him, and it’s all for her.
A month later
Liliana
Summer is flying by. I don’t know where the time is going, but I know I’m trying to cram as much of it as I can with him.
I can’t believe it, but Ryan’s so much fun to be around, and he has a great sense of humor. I know it’s really soon, but every time I see him talking to Javi, or my mom, or Ade… I feel something in the region of my heart melt more and more.
I like him.
Like seriously, ridiculously, think about him all the time ‘like him’.
He’s taking Javi and I to a movie tonight. I’m not sure what it is, but I don’t think I’ll be focusing on it anyway.
I’m trying not to panic, not to think about the possibility of this not working out, but I can’t help it, because each day I wake up with the anticipation of getting to see him. The memory of what happened February is a memory fading into the ether of my mind.
Ryan is amazing, and gentle, and so awesomely perfect it’s a little scary.
Another month later
Ryan
I keep waiting for the panic to set in. For the moment I look at her and realize I’m in over my head, I need to take a step back.
But it hasn’t come yet.
I’ve never let a woman get this close to me and I keep telling myself to tap those breaks, slow down and take this easy, but being with Lili is so easy and feels right.
I haven’t had nightmares in months and I think it’s because of her. Being with her, it keeps the demons at bay.
And I don’t mind the kid. Which is surprising, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to handle being around one, but he’s quiet, and most times I’m not even aware he’s there.
Nothing in life is perfect, and I’m waiting for the shoe to drop. For proof that Lily’s not the angel I’ve placed on the pedestal… but no matter how much I look for chink in her armor, I’m not finding it.
We’re settling into an easy rhythm, and I like it. The familiarity of knowing I’ll see her each day. I don’t want summer to end, but it’s flying by… what’s going to happen when she goes back to school?
The thought of it makes a giant knot form in the pit of my gut. I’m not a fortune teller, but I know the darkness is only biding its time until it can return and consume me and I hope I’m strong enough to fight.
Chapter 14: Another month later
Liliana
“Your Senior Year,” Ade rests her hands on her plump hips as she stands at the stove, flipping a homemade tortilla.
The yeasty whiff of hot grease makes my stomach grumble.
“I’m so proud of you, Liliana,” she turns and flips it again, then grabs a plate, tossing the warm bread onto it and stacks it high with buttery scrambled eggs and creamy frijoles.
“Don’t forget the cheese,” I grin and then groan. “And don’t remind me. I’m not ready to go back to school.”
“No?” Adelida waddles up to me, swiping loose strands of salt and pepper hair out of her face and back into her thick bun. “But you love school.”
Yes, I did.
Do.
But I loved this summer. It’d been one of the most fun I’d had in forever. Ryan practically lived here at this point.
I didn’t think it was possible, but he actually seems to like Javier. Sometimes I’ll catch them sitting together on the couch watching superhero cartoons. Which I knew at this point Ryan hates.
Actually, Ryan’s a giant dichotomy.
A fighter who loves romantic comedies and deep literary works. A man who prefers plain vanilla ice-cream and always wrinkles his nose at my peanut butter chocolate gelato topped with a soaring heap of fudge and whipped cream.
He loves when I play the guitar, sometimes he’ll ask me to just play for him. I don’t know many songs, not a lot other than Fleetwood, but I’m learning. He really enjoys the sound of the Spanish guitar and would make me play Malaguena all the time if I let him.
I can’t believe how cool Mama is with him staying over.
We still aren’t sleeping together, which-- my heart dips-- is getting more and more difficult not to do.
At this point a lot of my reasons are starting to blur.
We’ve only really begun to know each other, but in some ways it feels like I’ve known Ryan my whole life.
“Ah,” Ade’s thick brows furrow, “I see. It’s the boy, no?” Her smile is warm as she sits the plate and a cup of milk tea in front of me. “Love agrees with you.”
I ignore that, spearing the eggs.
Mama rolls into the kitchen then, taking an appreciative whiff.
Ade hops up and pats the head of the table.
“I made you some too, Tina,” she pulls out a chair so Mama can just roll right into her spot.
Mama’s eyes are heavily shaded, her skin appears very dull and she’s hardly moving her arms. They’re in her lap, fingers partially curled open. Long, black hair she’d taken so much pride in all her life, hangs limp around her hunched shoulders.
“Just some tea, Ade. Where’s Javi?”
I’d stopped crying in front of my mom a long time ago. Stopped letting her see just how devastating it is to watch her slow death happening right in front of me. Grabbing a napkin, I cover my face, pretending to sneeze, but really taking a second to gather myself.
“Sleeping,” I dab at my eyes and fix a smile on my face.
Ade sits the tea in front of her.
Mama’s fingers tremble as she lifts her arm, dropping it with a dull thud onto the table and slowly inching it toward her cup. She has to swipe at the handle three times before finally being able to latch onto it.
I can’t look anymore. I take a bite of my fo
od. Food that, until a second ago, I’d desperately wanted.
Last month we’d taken her to the doctors and the news had been what I’d expected, but dreaded. The disease is advancing quicker now. For the first time, I’d seen evidence of it, when last week I’d come home to find her covered in her own urine and crying. Ade had had to make a run to the store and hadn’t been with her. She’d been alone and pee’d herself, I couldn’t imagine how devastating that must have been for.
But even worse was that Ryan had been with me, her eyes had been miserable as he’d taken in her appearance. And in that moment, I loved him, because rather than speak, he’d simply knelt, scooped her fragile body into his arms and taken her down the hall to the bathroom where I was finally able to wash her up.
I don’t know how much longer I’ll have my mom and it hurts to think our final years are like this. It’s times like these, I hate my father for leaving us. For leaving her.
“And Ryan?” My mother’s voice tears me from my thoughts.
“Training.”
“In the morning?” Ade sits down again. “I thought he trained at night.”
I shrug. “He wanted to be more free for us during the night, so he switched things up. Said he’d call me later.”
As if on cue, the phone rings.
“Probably him. Oh, he’s so infatuated with you. I love it,” Ade winks and goes to answer the cordless phone. “Hola,” she says, then a large smile twists her features. “It’s for you.”
My heart still thumps whenever he calls, grabbing the phone from her I whisper a breathless, “Hello?”
“Hi, Baby. It’s me.”
I hike my leg onto the chair and stick my nail into my mouth. “Hey, sexy. I miss you.”
“Say it in Spanish.”
He says he’s trying to learn Spanish, actually, I think he just likes hearing me speak it. I never hear him utter a word of it, but he always get this goofy grin on his face whenever I do.
Giggling, I roll my eyes. “Te extraño.”
Sighing sharply, I know he’s smiling back. My fingers twitch, wishing he was here right now so I could just grab him and kiss him. It’s dangerous these feelings he brings out in me, makes me feel almost violent sometimes.
“Alex and some chick are going to an open mic later, he wanted to know if you and I wanted to tag along. If not, we could do a movie tonight, or just chill. Whatever.”
Drumming my fingers on the table, I nod. “Let me ask, okay.”
Covering the mouthpiece I don’t even get a chance to ask before Mama waves her hand and Ade nods.
“I’ve got nowhere to be tonight, I’ll be more than happy to watch Javi.” Ade takes a sip of her tea.
Tossing them a grateful smile, I say, “Okay, what time?”
“Well, it’s at six I think, but I can’t wait that long to see you. I’ve got another hour before I’m done, maybe after that I’ll stop by? Take you and Javier to the park for lunch or something?”
Blowing him a kiss, I agree.
***
Javi’s cranky today.
Sitting under a large oak tree, we have our blanket spread on the grass. The lake in the park glints with flecks of silver, almost too bright to look at this time of day.
A hot breeze stirs and I keep having to slap at red fire ants trying to crawl inside our basket of sandwiches and watermelon.
He’d refused to eat, just nibbled on a section of melon, before tossing it to the ground with a hard grunt.
Probably my fault.
The second I’d hung up with Ryan I’d gone and woken him up. Past ten in the morning at that point, but during the summer Javi likes to sleep in and when he doesn’t get to, he makes me pay.
I sigh and Ryan pats my knee.
“It’s okay.” His blue eyes hold mine. I kiss his knuckles and his lashes flutter before he rolls onto his back, crossing his arms behind his head he stares up at the tree. “It’s nice just to relax.”
“You sore?” I rub his arm.
“Mmhmm.” He nods. “Noah thought it would be fun to right kick my left thigh all morning.”
“Oh, poor baby,” I stroke his jean covered thigh, “Want Mama to kiss it better?”
“One of these days, I’m going to take you up on that offer.” He winks and my heart slides into my toes.
Javi stands, the comic rolled into his back jean shorts are wrinkled and torn at the edges. It’s time to replace the old ones. Brows tight with a glower he walks a few steps away, stopping midway between our blanket and the lake.
I sigh. “He’s mad.”
Rolling to a sitting position, Ryan slips my hair over my shoulder and scooting in behind me, begins to massage.
His fingers are firm but gentle, and I moan as my head tips forward.
“Baby, relax. You can’t always make him happy.”
“Yes, but I should.”
Digging his thumb into the base of my neck, I feel him shake his head. “Why?”
“Because I’m his mom, it’s my… ohh,” I can’t stop the delicious groan that slips out when he finds the tender spot, “job.”
“Yeah, but that’s ridiculous. No one can make everyone happy all the time. That’s not life, Lili.”
Tucking my knees beneath my butt, I twist around, gripping his hand. “You make me happy.”
Framing my face, he kisses the tip of my nose. “I’m glad, but it might not always be the case. I’m just saying, don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself.” He nods, waiting for me to nod back.
Blowing out a breath, I do. “You’re really annoying when you’re right, you know that?”
“That’s what Alex tells me.” He cocks his head and I pat the thick strand of dark hair that’d slid into his eye back into place. “But that’s not all that’s bothering you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Lily, don’t lie to me. You’ve been quiet today, chewing on your thumb nail. I know that means you’re worried about something. What’s going on?”
For so long these burdens had been my own. I’m learning to share them, but it isn’t easy.
“My mom is dying, Ryan. You saw her last week. Today. It’s happening so fast. Yesterday she looked at me and it was like for a second she couldn’t even remember who I was.”
I swipe at the tears trying to leak out the corners of my eyes.
His thumb grabs the ones I hadn’t, his look so understanding. “I’m sorry.”
Hand waving, I take a stutter breath. “It’s… yeah, just…”
Turning my hand over in his, he kisses each fingertip before finally saying, “It’s awful, but it’s a sad part of life. She doesn’t want you to think about it, she loves you.”
“Yeah, but I feel guilty. I’m here with you, and I love it, but…”
“Stop.” Shaking his head with a serious look, he clenches his jaw, “Don’t you dare do that to yourself. You’re not going anywhere and neither am I, we’ll deal with this. But don’t you think I’m going to just let you walk away. Besides,” he grins, “she loves me too. So there’s no cutting me out of your life now, baby, you’re stuck with me.”
Ryan could always cut through my crap, could always help me see the positive in the ugly. Truth is, it’s getting hard to remember my life before him and I’m terrified of ever going back to it. I need Ryan the same way I need to breathe. He’s my air and the reason why I got out of bed wearing a smile in the middle of the hell my life is becoming.
“I hate you.”
“We both know that’s not true, but whatever makes you smile, Angel.” Smirking, he kisses my lips and I lean into him. The contract is brief, but it tightens things and makes me shiver with longing.
He’s so right, I don’t think I could ever hate him.
His gaze flicks over my shoulder with a small frown. “I’ll go talk to him, okay.”
Words I hadn’t yet spoken lay thick and so heavy on the tip of my tongue. But before I have a chance to say them, he stands and walks away.
<
br /> ***
Ryan
I kneel beside Javier clamping down on my tongue as my quad stretches, a fiery rush of pain shoots through it. I hadn’t lied when I’d told Lili it hurt. It’s gonna hurt for days. But maybe I’ll get lucky and figure out some way to get her to kiss it better, I smile.
