by Hall, Marie
The silence is heavy and so long.
Finally his breath heaves over the line. “I’m sorry, Lili, I’m just… I’ve been busy. I have a fight scheduled. I’m going to be the mainliner.”
He’s talking, but I can tell his heart’s not in it. After ten minutes of awkward dialogue, I finally make up some bogus excuse to get off because if I don’t, he’ll hear my tears. We’re going through the motions now, he knows it, I know it, and I don’t know how to stop this.
I feel like I’m stuck on a runaway train, and the tracks at the end of the line are shattered and broken and I see us headed over the cliff, but I know no matter how hard I try, I can’t make this train stop.
Another month later…
Ryan
We just finished dinner. I took her and Javi out to a little Italian bistro by the movie theater. A superhero film I knew Javi would like had debuted tonight, I’d had to make the effort. I know what she’s thinking. That I don’t want her anymore.
I see it in her eyes when she thinks I’m not looking. The sadness is thick and it’s drowning her and it makes me fucking sick to my stomach, but I’m barely keeping my head above water. Now that the nightmares have returned things are getting worse. I know why… because February is close again, I feel it breathing down my neck, waiting to pounce and I don’t know how to shake this thing.
I want to, God I want to so bad.
I want to be better than this, for her, for Javi… but I don’t even know where to start. All I do know what to do is to sit in the shower, and pray and mutter her name over and over until the sun comes back out.
I grab her hand and she doesn’t look at me.
I’m losing her and it’s all my fault.
Chapter 17: Another month later
Liliana
Ever since that night at the coffee shop Ryan’s been acting different. And it’s weird because to look at him, to see how he treats me, you wouldn’t think so. But I feel it, in my soul, in his touch. He’s distracted.
He’s still just as kind and caring, but he won’t let me stay over anymore and he no longer crashes at my house. In fact, our visits are short and brief and rarely last longer than ten minutes. Only once has it gone longer, the night he took Javi and I to the movies, but that night had felt off.
We watched a movie, ate dinner, and had barely spoken more than ten sentences to each other the entire time.
I know something’s wrong. But he won’t tell me what. Just pretends like it’s all still perfect, like we’re still perfect.
It’s not true.
There’s something he’s keeping from me. Something huge.
I think I know what it is.
I think the old demons are back.
I can’t ask him, because I’m too scared.
I know that probably makes me a chicken, but I’m terrified of losing him. He fits me. But what’s going to happen to us if he never opens up?
Can I live with a secret this big? And I know it’s big, because it’s ripping like a chasm through us.
I haven’t thought about the suicide attempt in months.
Because he’s never given me a reason to-- until now.
But we’ve been dating six months, so I’d like to think I know him pretty well.
Thanksgiving is right around the corner and it should be a time of joy, but I feel this horrible ache starting to spread inside. I keep telling myself I’m being stupid, that I’m making something out of nothing, but I know it’s not true.
Something’s got to give.
And soon.
I was so stupid to actually think what’d happened in February was actually over.
Worst part of it is, I hardly get to see him anymore. I’m so busy with school and Javi, Mama’s getting worse and worse. She barely comes out of her room now.
I know Javi’s noticed.
I’m just so sick about all of this.
Ryan is my lighthouse in the storm. Somehow I’ve got to make this work, I’ve got to figure out how to fix this.
He told me once you can’t fix everything, you can’t make everything right. But how can you not at least try, especially when it comes to someone you love?
***
Ryan
I miss my Angel.
We’ve hardly seen each other in months-- three and a half to be exact. And in all that time I think we’ve gone out on about four dates.
She’s in her senior year of college, and I know she’s busy, but I think it’s more than that. I’m pushing her too far, but every time I even consider telling her the truth, the ugliness of it sinks its claws deep into my brain, roaring that if I do she’ll never look at me the same. Will never be able to love who I really am. How can she when my truths are dark, and dangerous, and black?
So I do the only thing I can, I keep her away. I’m too chicken shit to let her sleep over anymore.
I don’t want her seeing what I do.
But I know if I don’t let her in, she’ll leave me.
And I can’t stand the thought of that.
I grip the sink in the kitchen, looking into the drain as the water whirls around, so lost in my thoughts I don’t hear Alex until he’s right next to me.
He opens the fridge door and throws me a look as he reaches for his beer.
“You going out tonight?”
Turning off the water, I toss the dishes into the dishwasher, not bothering to scrub them. “You know I am.”
“Oh yeah,” he hops onto the counter and pops the top, “training for your fight. How’s that coming along?”
I shrug. “Fine.”
I lean back against the sink, waiting for whatever the hell he’s wanting to really say. I don’t have to wait long.
“So how are you and the babe doin’?”
I chew on my tongue as he tips his head back and eyes me over the bottle.
“Fine.”
Thumping a fist on his chest, he burps. “Really? Because that’s not what it looks like to me.”
“Shut the hell up, man.”
“Hey, I call it like I see it. She’s hardly ever around. Hell, you see my flings more than I see her, and call me crazy, but I thought you two were like the real deal. So what going on?”
Twitchy, I grab the kitchen rag and flick it around like a horse whip. “Nothing’s going on and why are you pestering me about this?”
“Because I like you guys.” He shrugs, taking another swallow of his beer. “Because you two make sense, which makes no bloody sense whatsoever. But it works. Dude, you were laughing again, it was like seeing the old Ryan.”
Fuck.
It hurts.
These words he’s saying, because he’s right. It was me again. I felt it. I was breathing and laughing and living.
Just her touch and her smell, it makes me feel alive and whole and undamaged. But it’s a mirage not meant to last. Because no matter how hard you try, you can never outrun it. It won’t let you, when the darkness gets you, it owns you. Even when you think you’re getting better, that it’s finally going away, that’s when it knocks on the door and laughs in your face saying ‘I’m still here, still waiting. You can never leave me, I won’t let you.’
Squeezing my eyes shut, I rub my temple. “I don’t know what you want me to say, man?”
“I just want you to fix this. Make it work. Figure it out. You’re screaming every night now. I can’t even bring anyone over, and don’t think I’m not finding the messes in the bathroom in the morning. I just haven’t told you.”
I flinch.
“It’s happening again, isn’t it?” His gray eyes are wide and full of worry.
Scratching my jaw, I whisper, “It’s almost February.”
“Fuck man,” he breaths. “Fuck.”
Hopping off the counter, he starts to walk back to his room. “Look,” he stops and turns, “go get help or something, talk to someone if you don’t want to talk to me, but do something and do it soon or you’re going to lose the best thing you’ve ever
had.”
His words fill my gut with dread.
I know it’s true.
Know it.
But I don’t know how to stop this.
Don’t know if I ever can.
And there’s no way in hell I’ll be telling anybody anything, which means I have to figure out a way on my own to conquer these demons before they conquer me.
Picking up the phone I dial her number. It’s a Thursday night, but maybe she’ll be free.
She answers on the third ring.
“Hello?” She sounds tired.
My soul aches, literally longs for her. Leaning on my heels, I close my eyes and try to quell the yearning.
“What’s wrong? You sound exhausted. Homework?”
A long pause. “No.”
I bite my lip, what am I doing? Why can’t I talk to her anymore?
“Ryan?”
My mouth goes dry, dread seeps through my pores. “Yeah?”
“Are we okay?”
Her voice sounds so tiny, fragile and I sag against the counter. “Baby, I miss you.”
There was the sound of a hiccupping sob. “Me too.”
My lashes flutter against my cheeks. “You busy tonight?”
“I’ll make time for you. When?”
“Now?”
“Yes,” she agrees.
I’m out the door before she even finishes that thought.
Somehow, and I’m not sure how, I make it to her house. I don’t even have a chance to knock before the door’s flung open.
She’s dressed in jeans that tucks into a sexy pair of fuzzy boots and a dark purple sweater that clings to each delicious curve of her body. Her hair hangs long, at some point she’d gotten bangs. I hate that I didn’t already know that.
Her eyes are huge and green and take up her whole face.
“Where’s everybody?” I ask.
“Watching a movie.” She steps into me and I smell flowers and it makes my heart pang. I’d missed that smell.
Grabbing a hold of my gray sweater, she scrunches it in her fists. “Take me somewhere.”
“I have a sparring session in an hour.”
“Ryan?”
There’s so much trembling in that one word, in my name. Fear, pain, confusion, hope…
I grab her waist and with a sob, she jumps into my arms. Her small body trembles against mine, hugging me so close.
“I need you. Now. Right now,” she whispers in my ear and I just about die.
“What? You mean?”
She nods. “Do you have any?”
Even though we’ve never moved beyond X-rated petting sessions, it doesn’t mean I haven’t hoped. I pat the wallet in my back pocket. “Yeah. But I thought…”
Closing her eyes, she wets her lips. “Do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you? Every time I call you’re busy, making excuses, why don’t you want to see my anymore?”
It’s not true. Not the last part anyway. I do want to see her. I want to be with her all the time, want to wake up beside her each day, hold her and rock into her body each night.
“I want you, Angel.” I stroke her cheek. “I’m sorry, so sorry I’m such a prick.”
“What’s going on with you? Is it the same thing like last year?”
Yes. God. Yes.
“No.” I shake my head, mentally cursing myself for the lie. “I was just trying to let you get in your studies, spend time with your mom.”
“But you’re part of my world, Ryan.” She holds my face and all I can do is breath in her flower smell and pray to God she’ll forgive me. “I just kept feeling like you didn’t want me around anymore, didn’t want me to…”
With Alex’s warning still ringing in my ears I get as close to the truth as I’ve ever dared to with another soul. “I’ve got demons, Lili. And sometimes they drown me.”
“Then let me be your life raft.”
In that moment I feel eternity stretch her arms before me. The possibility of it makes me want to fucking cry. Can she save me?
What would she think if she knew?
Really knew me?
She’ll leave.
I know she will. She’ll leave and I’ll be devastated.
“You said we have an hour?” Her breath fans my neck, making my pulse speed.
“They won’t care if I’m a little late.”
Actually, they will and they’ll take it out on my hide later. But I needed this. I need my Lily, I can’t do this alone, not tonight.
“The cliffs aren’t far from your gym. Let’s go there.”
Chapter 18
Liliana
We’re in the car, on the hills overlooking the city below. It’s dark, lights burn inside the buildings, looking like lightening bugs the way they wink and blink.
It’s a miracle that we have the hill to ourselves, but it is Thursday night. And that could be why, because this is the make out point for high schoolers. College is easy if you want to have sex; you do it in your dorm and put a sock on the knob to let your roommate know you have company, stay away.
But this is my night.
Our night.
I didn’t want Alex to know what we were doing and I couldn’t do this at home.
I turn to him, feeling like a freaking virgin all over again.
I have a kid for crying out loud. It’s not as if I haven’t had sex before. So why are my hands shaking so bad?
We’d hopped into the backseat not long after parking.
“Angel,” his whiskey smooth voice washes through me, heats my veins and makes my blood boil, “we don’t have to do this.”
Scooting as close to him as I possibly can, I hold his whiskered chin. “Don’t think I’m doing this to keep you. I want you. I have for a very long time.”
His Adam’s Apple bobs. I slip my hands through his short curls and tug, forcing his eyes open.
“No matter what happens after tonight, I will never regret this.” I don’t look away from him, trying to let him know I understand what we’re doing and I’m still a willing participant.
My heart is racing, my nerves shot.
“I love you,” he whispers and I’m so stunned I never think to say it back.
I can’t do anything other than blink.
There are times, you know, when a man tells you they love you, and it means nothing. It’s like saying hi, or see you later. Meaningless jabber that they hope will get them into your pants. But this… this is different.
I know Ryan never says these words.
He’s never spoken them to me about anyone.
He’s never even told me that before.
I love him so much. So much it’s killing me.
Tears roll down my eyes and I smile.
Moaning, he leans in and tastes the salt of my tears, kissing them gently away.
“I’m sorry, Angel. I won’t ever do this again. I’m sorry.”
But then there are no more words.
Just action.
I slip my cool fingers underneath his sweater, tracing the hard ridges of his abs. Grunting, he flinches and then his big palms cup my ass, forcing me onto his lap. Leaning over, I move, the friction of our clothes rubbing together, between my legs, I can’t control the inhuman sounds that spill from me. And I don’t want to.
Kissing me, he tugs on my sweater until I lift my arms-- breaking contact only long enough to toss the sweater over my head. Hair spills into my eyes.
Gently, reverently, he pushes it back and then kisses me again. Harder, more insistently. I lave the seam of his lips with my tongue and he opens with a moan.
He tastes like chocolate-- dark and decadent. I twine my tongue around his, burning up as he snaps my bra off. Cool air hits my back as his hot, rough palms cup my breasts.
Moaning, I toss my head back, giving him all of me-- every inch, everything. I want him all over my body. I want to be all over his. He peppers the side of my jaw and neck with wet kisses, circling his tongue lower and lower.
