by Hall, Marie
“Can, I paint his face?” I ask hopefully.
I’m terrible at drawing, Javi will wind up with red, blue, and black streaks, but at least he’ll think he’d gotten something cool.
“Nah,” the boy shifts feet, “can’t.”
A press of families start gathering behind us, as if sensing the pending disturbance.
Ready to yank Javi up and bolt back to the car before the rage really takes hold, I step up. But Ryan stops me with a gentle hold on my wrist.
“Can you paint his face without touching any part of him?” he asks the boy.
“That really bother him that much?” Elf boy looks as if he doesn’t buy it.
Hope springs eternal and I stroke Ryan’s back. This could work.
“Yes, it really bothers him that much.” Waiting on bated breath, I dart a quick glance at Javi who’s tense, as if he knows and understands what’s happening.
The boy scratches the back of his head. “Won’t look good, but yeah, I can try.”
The relief is an icy balm.
Patting the stool, he steps back. “Hop on up then.”
Facial features not changing in the slightest, Javier sits. But I know my baby, and I know the threat has passed. His shoulders are no longer straining, his hands relax and open by his side.
Hugging Ryan fiercely, I shake my head. “Thank you.”
“Hey,” he wraps an arm around my shoulder, “it’s no big deal. Besides, what kid doesn’t want to wear spider-man on his face all night?”
Staring into his face, I can’t stop smiling; my jaw is going to ache tonight.
“So umm…” he rubs the back of his neck, “I guess you’re pretty pleased with me, right?”
“Mmhhmm.” I nod.
“Does that mean I get a treat?” His eyes glint.
“What did you have in mind?”
“Come home with me tonight. You and Javi.” He brushes his knuckles over my cheeks. “I’ve got an air mattress I can blow up for him. Boys like camping, it’ll be fun.”
Leaning into his ear, I whisper, “And will we have some privacy?”
Blowing air heavy through his mouth, he chuckles. “I’m pretty sure I can find a sock for our door.”
Laughing, I hug him hard and watch as the poor elf tries to paint without touching. He’s right, it’s pretty awful.
The spider in the center looks deformed, the left side of it hanging much longer than the right-- like it’d suffered a stroke. And the blue and red paint is all mixed together, turning everything a messy ugly purple and black.
But Javi’s thrilled, and when elf boy’s done, he hops off with his bird chest puffed out. He keeps holding his cheek up all night, as if presenting it out for my inspection.
After that we rent our skates, we’ve been at it for close to thirty minutes, before hunger drive’s us off the ice in search of hotdogs.
I laugh as Javi shoves the last bite of his in his mouth. Coated in ketchup and paint, he looks a mess.
Wetting a napkin I clean him up the best I can.
But he doesn’t like it, keep’s grunting and pulling his head back, glaring at the sidewalk and I try to hurry, knowing if I push it too far he’ll throw a fit for sure.
“Sit still, Papi,” I plead, “Or we won’t go back skating.”
Glowering, he settles down.
“What does that mean anyway?” Ryan tosses a dirty napkin into the wastebasket beside us.
“What?” I ask, taking my eyes off Javi for a split second. Just long enough for my hand to slip and dab off some of the paint instead of the ketchup. Thankfully, Javi won’t notice. It’s only a little and right at the bottom hand corner.
“Papi. What’s it mean?”
Smirking, I lean back in my seat. “You still learning Spanish?” I finger quoted.
“Trying.” He takes a sip of his tea.
I cross my legs as Javi gets up and turns to stare at the skating rink. “It means little daddy.”
“You serious?” His eyes sparkle. “That’s weird.”
“No more weird than calling someone sugar pie, or honey bunch… I mean really, pet names are pretty ridiculous if you think about them.”
Leaning forward on his elbows, he scrunches his nose. “Anyone ever told you how adorable you look when you get all feisty?”
“Oh, shut up.” I stick my tongue out.
“Mmm, Lily,” he moans, low and for my ears only, “so many places I want that tongue right now.”
Heat burns my belly and I can’t help the breathy sigh that escapes me. I really, really wish we were closer to home.
Laughing, very aware of what his dirty words do to my equilibrium, he leans back. “More skating?”
I groan, massaging my stiff ankles. I haven’t ice-skated in years. At this point, I’m done, plus I want to put my tongue to good use. I want to take that man, throw him on the bed and do things to him that’d make a porn star blush.
But I knew Javi has only just begun. “I guess.”
Getting up, he tweaks my nose. “Promise I’ll catch you if you fall.”
“Me? Fall? Oh whatever, I’m not the one that almost landed on my ass the second my blades touched ice. That would be you.”
“I was just getting my bearings.”
Laughing, we walk back. The boys get their skates on much quicker than I do. Probably because I’m seriously dragging my feet, I won’t be surprised if I wake up during the night with a massive charley horse.
Tying the last knot, I stand and walk to the gate, ready to get back on the ice when I notice Javi.
He’s gliding, actually it’s more of a coordinated stutter step, arms hanging out for balance beside him.
The rink isn’t overly crowded, which is probably the only reason why he wants to skate. Ryan is beside him, but keeping a respectful distance and that’s when Javi’s arms start to windmill.
There’s nothing for him to hang onto, he’s almost in the center of the ice. Opening the door, I enter, ready to rush to him and figure out a way to help without holding him too long but what I see next stops me dead in my tracks.
It all happens so fast.
One instant Javi’s getting ready to eat it; the next Ryan is reaching out with his hand.
I cringe the moment their hands clasp. Skin to skin contact and hold my breath waiting for his screams. The fine hairs on the back of my neck stand up, I blink rapidly, ready for the entire park to turn and stare and mutter and wonder, ready for the wave of embarrassment I try not to, but always feel, whenever it happens.
One second.
Two.
Three seconds go by.
Javi doesn’t scream.
And he doesn’t let go.
Frowning, only just seeming to realize what’d happened, Ryan whips his head up. Our eyes crash and mine burn.
Javier’s holding his hand, not looking at him, but hanging on and smiling as he skates with Ryan around and around and around.
Time moves again. In fast forward and I’m drowning. Fat tears are gathering, making my vision blur and I don’t know how to stop it.
I run and fall, landing hard on my butt. A white hot flare rips up my spine. But I don’t stop. Not caring what I look like to anybody in that moment, I have to get away.
Crawling on my knees, I get to the door and am finally able to hoist myself up.
“Lili!” Ryan calls my name.
I shake my head and rip the skates off my feet the second I can, then I run in only my socks to the women’s bathroom, locking myself into a stall a second before the waterworks burst through and hard grinding sobs spill from my throat.
He’d grabbed Ryan.
He was holding Ryan’s hand.
Hanging on even still.
And it hurt so bad, I wanted to scream.
Because it should have been me.
I was his mother.
All I’ve ever wanted was to have him touch me. Have him initiate any form of contact, just once.
Sometimes it
seemed like everyone got to. Mama’s fingers almost always grazed his forehead. Ade could pat his shoulder without him flinching, but me… nothing-- only when he was too passed out to care.
And it hurt that I blamed Ryan for this.
I was a bad person and I hated myself right now.
Because it wasn’t Ryan’s fault.
But I couldn’t stop, I hung onto my stomach and it was like everything I’d ever suppressed, every hurt, ache, fear, terror… it all came out.
As I cried though, a funny thing happened. Behind the hurt, came clarity, and finally understanding.
Javier loves him.
And deep down I believe Ryan does too.
When I finally exit the stall, it was like my soul had been cleansed.
I feel ten times lighter, the burden of carrying all the guilt, all the hate, all the worries of finances, and health… I release it.
Walking to the sink, I splash water on my face, frowning at the giant red nose and puffy eyes staring back at me.
My eyes are bloodshot and greener than I’ve ever seen them.
When I walk back outside, Ryan’s there, still hanging onto Javi’s hand and I close my eyes, snapping a mental picture. I will remember this night forever.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“I love you,” I whisper.
***
Ryan
She’d said it. Pursed her two lips together, and the night shivered with the intensity of it. I’d stood like a jackass, blinking idiotically and she’d stepped into me, wrapping her arms around my neck and kissed me.
Her face had been so swollen, tear tracks still imprinted on her cheeks. I’d heard her crying, and each sound had echoed hollow in my soul.
We were back home and we’d just made love.
Love.
The word sounds so foreign in my head.
But there was no other word for it. It wasn’t skin slapping skin, it was soul touching soul, a joining of minds and hearts and went so much deeper than meeting the needs of our flesh.
Javier is sleeping on the couch in the living room, Alex is at some girl’s house and if it’d been any other woman I might have had a freak out at how domestic this all seemed.
For the first time I allow myself to wonder what this would feel like always. I play with the strands of her hair, twirling the tips around her tiny nipples.
She smiles, all sultry and sexy and my gut clenches-- my body gets hard again.
“Penny for your thoughts.” She tickles my arm.
A sliver of moonlight slices across the expanse of her toned, flat belly.
“You’re gorgeous,” I whisper, sliding my foot along hers.
“So are you.”
I still can’t believe anyone can feel like that about me. Can’t understand this thing happening, but happening it is.
“What do you see in me, Lili?”
Her eyes soften as they roam my face.
“I see hurt.”
My lids flicker. I don’t want her to see that, I try so hard to keep it away from her, which only proves to me Lili sees me. Really sees me and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about that.
“Sometimes it’s so deep it takes my breath and leaves me aching.”
Her fingertips slide slowly up my arms, gliding along my bicep.
“I want you to know something…” Her lips purse.
In the quiet and dark, this conversation feels momentous. Profound. Outside a dog barks, somewhere in the house I hear the steady, constant drip of a leaky faucet. But in this room, there is nothing save the sound of our breaths and the rapid beating of my heart echoing through my ears.
My flesh tingles as she continues to trace my body with her hand, wrapping her small hand around my shoulder, the curve of my back, gliding down my spine.
“You can trust me.” She nods. “With anything. No matter how big, how small, you can trust me to share your pain.”
I want to believe her. Everything inside me yearns for it. What if I do tell her? This burden is huge, carrying it around for years, never talking about it, trying in vain to stop thinking about it… it hasn’t done much for me except kill me slowly. Each day harder than the next, each day wondering if maybe today will be the day I’ll be hit by a truck, or be told I had two months to live… just so that it can end, so that I never have to think about it again, dream about it.
“I feel like my life is one big open book to you.” She frames my face. “But I don’t know anything about you. Only what I see. What I feel.”
“Isn’t that enough, Lili? To just know I love you? To know I’m here?”
“I wish it was,” she admits sadly and drops her hands.
Rolling over, I plop onto the pillow, throwing a hand over my eyes.
“It was for a time. But the deeper I get into this, the more I want to know. I want to know everything about you.”
“Trust me you don’t. You don’t want to see what’s in there. I don’t even look if I don’t have to.”
Turning, she settles her cheek against her fist. Nude, tight body open for me, hair splayed long and dark down her breasts. It hurts to look at her sometimes.
“Make it small,” she smiles, “something not painful. What were you like as a boy?”
Facing her, mirroring her pose, I shake my head. “You really want to know?”
“Do you know why I’m so good at college?” she pauses, “Because I love learning. I always have, I’m a big nerd. Do you know what my favorite thing to do on the weekends are?”
“Hang out with me?” I tug at the sheet, bringing her closer to me.
She wraps her legs around mine.
“That’s a given, but when you’re not around, I watch documentaries. For fun. About everything, anything. Learned once that worms have four butts. Who knew, right?” she shrugs and I laugh. “And who cares, point is…” she splayes her palm on my heart, “I need more.”
Maybe I can share something. Maybe it won’t be so bad.
Start easy.
Counting to five for courage, I begin, “When I was five, we lived next door to these neighbors and they had this small, stupid rat looking dog. Well, I thought it was their dog.”
She smiles, eyes shining.
“Anyway, they’d leave the damned thing outside all the time. You know, it’s hot in Texas and I’d feel bad for it. So I’d take it food every day and a bowl of water. I’d always try to pet it, but the damn thing was jumpy. Would never let me near it without baring its teeth.”
“Poor thing.” She grips my shoulder. “Did they ever realize?”
“Oh yeah,” I fight the smile, “the husband came home one day, looked me dead in the eye and said ‘son’, his voice was real deep too, I remember thinking that, ‘what are you doing with that thing?’”
“Huh? What’d you tell him?”
I scratch my jaw, remembering it like it was yesterday. “Told him I felt bad for their dog and real serious he cocked his head, ‘boy, that ain’t a dog, that’s a rat’.”
She squeals. “Are you serious? How could you not know that was a rat?”
“Hey,” I shrug when she slaps my chest, “I was five. I told you I thought it looked like a rat.”
Laughing, grabbing her stomach, she kisses me and I realize I’m actually having fun.
“Did you ever want any pets?”
I snort. “Not after that. Pissed my pants every time I thought about it.”
“Tell me more.”
Thinking hard, I struggle to find something that’s not mired in all the crap and angst. But it’s hard.
“What were your hobbies?” she prompts.
Cutting my eyes at her face, I say, “Sports.”
“Were you good?”
“Decent. Actually my baseball team went to State. I was the only sophomore on the varsity team.”
“Did you win?”
“Yeah, they hung banners all over the place, in fact I think there’s a case in the halls. Go Puma’s.” I pump my
fist with a goofy grin.
Her brows scrunch. “Puma’s? As in J.J. Baines High?”
