by Reece Evhans
I waited until we had our food in front of us to tell him about the bizarre reaction Cassie had to my future vision.
"Jack, I'm not gonna lie. It creeped me out a bit," I paused to take a bite of homemade mac-n-cheese. I know, grilled cheese and mac-n-cheese? What can I say? I have a great metabolism. Tara is always insanely jealous that I can eat whatever I want, while she is constantly dieting. My mom warns me that it will catch up to me some day, and then my cheese-on-cheese days will be over.
"Jack? Earth to Jack!" He had been staring at my mouth, while I was chewing my food. Oh, great. I probably have cheese sauce on my chin. Not only do I stink, now I can't feed myself properly. Maybe I can spill my drink just to round out the disgust factor. I wiped my face with my napkin, but it actually seemed clean. Hmm. Maybe he was just disgusted by how fast I was shoveling food in my mouth. I made a concerted effort to slow down.
"Sorry." He couldn't seem to meet my eyes. He cleared his throat. "Yeah, it does seem a bit weird. I mean, you actually handled the vision of Megan pretty well. I mean, you fell apart afterward, but I think you're starting to get some control."
I threw my wadded up napkin at him. "Thanks a lot. Yeah, I think so, too. About the control, that is. I figured she would have been glad to see my progress, but she kind of flipped out."
"Well, when do you see her again?"
"That was kind of weird, too. She didn't set a new appointment. She said she'd call me when she was ready to see me again."
"Yeah, that is weird," he agreed. "You ready? I've got a ton of homework I need to get started on." He picked up the check and prepared to pay.
Suddenly, I was tired of the double standard he was imposing on our relationship. He apparently didn't want to date me, but in so many ways he behaved like I was his girlfriend, like always picking up the tab for whatever we did together. I grabbed the hand with the check. "Why don't you ever expect me to pay?"
He just looked blankly at me for a moment. "Uh, I don't know. It just doesn't seem right. The guy should pay."
"That's terribly unenlightened of you, Jack. We're just friends, right? Friends should take turns paying, right?" I raised my eyebrows innocently at him.
He just swallowed. I swear I could hear it. "I, uh..." he said in a truly urbane manner.
I swished the check out of his hand. "That's what I thought. I'll just get this one I think." I pulled out my wallet and counted out bills, leaving a decent tip. I can't stand bad tippers.
"Ally, come on," Jack complained. "Just let me pay. You don't even work. This is just not cool."
I just gave him a sugary sweet smile as I continued paying the bill. I got up and went to his side of the table and held my hand out for him. "Ready?"
"Jeez. You're so stubborn. I would have ordered something smaller if I knew you were paying."
"I know. That's why I waited until we were done."
When we got to my house he put the car into park and got out, ordering, "Stay put and let me open your damn door for you. Leave me some pride."
"Thank you, Jack," I said with mock sincerity. "You are such a gentleman."
I'm pretty sure he muttered something like "I'll show you gentleman" as he walked me to my door. I stood on tiptoe to torture him just a little more with a kiss on the cheek, but he surprised me by looping his arms around me and pulling me close in a hug.
I loved it, but felt compelled to say, "Jack, I haven't had a shower. I must smell terrible."
"You smell amazing," he breathed, his head tucked on top of mine. That earned him an extra squeeze from me as well as the kiss. God, this was killing me.
CHAPTER TEN
"Say not, 'I have found the truth,' but rather, 'I have found a truth.' "
-Khalil Gibran
The next two days of the dreaded cheerleading clinic sped by with unwarranted haste. Before I knew what was happening, it was Thursday and I was facing the actual tryouts. I had managed to acquire the requisite red shorts and white tank top, divested myself of all jewelry, and scraped my curly red hair up into a high ponytail, which made my head ache. Ugh! Did I mention that I hate this?
Jack and Tara both walked me to the gym after school. I felt like I was heading to a firing squad. I started to bite a nail. Tara slapped it out of my mouth and turned me around to yank my ponytail even tighter.
"Enough Ally! This is nothing! Get in there and show them what a tough bitch you are! You will make the team...squad...whatever the hell it is!"
"Oww! Leave my poor hair alone. Ok, fine. I'm a tough bitch. I got it, " I said, rubbing my scalp.
Jack took a gentler approach. "You've totally got this. I will see you tonight at 8:45 so I can drive you back here and see that you made it." He bent down to kiss my cheek, but at the last minute seemed to change his mind and brushed my lips ever so briefly with his. "Now get in there and give 'em hell."
Well. My surprised eyes met Tara's equally surprised gaze. I turned and walked into the gym in a daze.
We tried out in groups of three, going through our routine, sideline cheers (thanks to The Ultimate Guide to Cheerleading I now knew what these were), and tumbling in front of the group of judges consisting of the coach and upper classmen cheerleaders, including Veronica. I did ok on the routine, messed up a bit on the cheers, but truly gave 'em hell with my tumbling. Being so small, I can really get some nice height on my backflips. As soon as my group finished we were allowed to leave. Yikes. It was only 3:30. I had five and a half hours to wait for the results. There was only one spot to be filled with a reserve of three going to the junior varsity squad. I had no plans to accept if I only made JV, since I didn't want to be a cheerleader in the first place; I was only doing this to get close to Veronica. I kept trying to tell myself this.
I spent the intervening hours doing my homework, cleaning my room within an inch of its life, grooming Mr. Wickham within an inch of his life (he finally got disgusted with me and stalked away to curl up in a warm spot by the heating vent), and preparing a really nice dinner for my mom and grandmother. This is how they could tell how nervous I was--I rarely cook voluntarily. I also found myself going back over the ever-so-brief kiss Jack had given me before tryouts. Yeah, it was short, but it was on the lips. That, in my humble opinion, crossed the friendship line. It gave me some slight hope that I was getting to him and maybe he would make his move soon. If he ever planned to make a move. Sigh. I wished I could be more like Tara and just go after what or who I wanted and damn the consequences, but I had used up all my bravado the day I confronted him at work.
By 8:45, when Jack finally pulled into my driveway, I was a complete mess. I met him at the car, not even able to wait for him to come up the path and ring the bell.
"Let's go," I said tersely. He wisely said nothing, but simply put the car into gear and took off. When we got to the school, he prepared to get out of the car and walk with me to check the results. "No!" I exclaimed. "I don't want you to come with me. Just wait here. I have to look by myself." He just nodded, trying not to smirk or laugh, and kept the car running.
Nobody else was there. I guess I had expected a crowd of girls, but it was empty. In my mind I had created a total Legally Blonde moment--you know, when Reese Witherspoon goes to check whether she made it on to Victor Garber's legal team and when she sees her name she's like, "Yes. Me!" Then she tells her ex-boyfriend how much better that was than being in a hot tub with him for four hours. Yeah, this was nothing like that. The path to the front doors of the gym had never seemed longer and I just could make out a white piece of paper taped to the right hand door. I didn't allow myself to look directly at it until I was right on top of it.
Varsity Cheer Squad:
Ally Moran
JV Cheer Squad:
Hannah Gorman
Janie Soto
Mercedes Saavedra
I had done it. I mean, I had done it! I didn't know whether to be excited or devastated. This would be a game changer. I would now have to actually hang out with these girls and
their social set sometimes, and to be honest, I wasn't too keen on it. Hopefully it would allow me to get closer to Veronica, although it seemed like a high price to pay. I walked slowly back to the car and got in.
"Ally?" Jack asked hesitantly. "You gonna be ok?" He must have misinterpreted my stoic, shocked face and thought I didn't make it.
I turned to him and said matter-of-factly, "I made it. I did it. Shit."
He burst out laughing and pulled me into a hug. "I knew you would!" He held me away and looked into my eyes. "You don't seem happy. What's wrong?"
"I don't know. It's just that... now it's real, Jack. I'm a cheerleader. Now I have to actually be a cheerleader. And raise a crap ton of money for my uniform. And hang out with the in-crowd. Ugh!"
He laughed again. "Well, just don't go dropping your truly cool friends for this new crowd."
I punched him on the shoulder.
"Sorry. Oww. Of course you would never do anything lame like that." He rubbed his shoulder.
"No, I won't. But, God, I probably have to go to some of their lame parties. I hate that kind of party." I turned to him. "You will be attending with me. I don't care what kind of probation you're on. I am not going by myself," I declared fiercely.
"Yes, ma'am. I like it when you get bossy. Feisty!"
"Shut up and take me out for some damn ice cream."
"Yes, ma'am," he said again, chuckling.
****
And so my new life began. I now had cheerleading practice everyday after school. Jack was able to pick me up a few times a week and we would usually go out to eat, often with Megan, or to one of our houses. I met his dog, Sodapop, and it was love at first sight for both of us even though I tend to be more of a cat person.
I had also begun thinking about something Jack had said after my last meeting with Cassie. He had been glad that I refused to go deeper into the awful rape vision, afraid that I might have to feel and experience what Veronica had felt. In addition, he had told me that I should have the choice whether or not to block something like that out. I'm sure he was just talking about blocking out visions during sessions with Cassie, but I started thinking about other possibilities. What if I was able to block out a vision when I felt it happening? I mean, if I'm now passing out at really horrible visions, maybe I should try blocking them out while I'm having them. It would give me a much greater sense of control over my life, something I was desperate for right now. It wasn't like I was any help to Veronica; I wasn't even able to see the face of who it was that was hurting her. I was also not very successful in my attempts to befriend her in order to get her to confide in me. Maybe I could just concentrate on blocking out the visions entirely. I'm not very proud of these thoughts in retrospect, but it's how I was feeling at the time.
One evening in mid November, as I was sitting on Jack's couch, French braiding Megan's hair, Sodapop curled up beside me snoring, Jack paused in his channel surfing, looked up at me from his spot on the floor at my feet, and asked if Cassie had called lately.
"It just occurred to me that I haven't heard you mention anything about her for a while," he said.
"No," I replied concentrating on the intricate hairstyle. "Grams said she's overseas. Has been for a week or so."
"Hmm. That's kind of weird, that she hasn't even called." He met my eyes over the top of Megan's head. He knew that I had continued to have more visions of Veronica, just as frustrating as the last few. I would see her, hurting, as some man I just couldn't see brutalized her. I was getting somewhat better at controlling my reactions when I had these in class, but I was still afraid of having another violent vision that would make me pass out; hence the idea of blocking them out altogether.
He also knew that I was making extremely limited progress in trying to befriend her. She seemed wary of me. We'd talk some while changing for practice, but she hadn't really warmed up to me yet to the point of sharing anything personal.
"So," Jack was apparently changing the subject. "It also occurs to me that I have not yet had the opportunity to see you in your cheerleading outfit. When is this going to happen?" Again with the flirting and no follow through. Sigh. One of these days I was going to break and just grab his face and start kissing the crap out of him. But perhaps not when his little sister was with us.
I flushed and replied, "We have a pep rally on Thursday for all the winter sports, so you’ll get to see it then. The first game is Friday night. Are you going to come?" I tried to sound nonchalant.
"A basketball game? Hmm, I don't know. Basketball's really not my thing. I’m more of a football guy," he said, offhanded, continuing to flip through channels.
"Oh," I said, trying not to sound disappointed. "Oh, ok. That's fine." I just kept braiding hair mechanically.
He got up and carefully maneuvered his legs so he was sitting behind me on the couch with me between his legs. "Scoot over, buddy," he said to Sodapop. The blue heeler just groaned and went back to sleep. He wrapped his arms around my middle and whispered in my ear, "I'm totally kidding. Tara, Travis, and I have had tickets for days. I wouldn't miss it for the world."
I was at a point where I couldn't let go of Megan's hair, so I just leaned back into his warmth and said, "I will punish you for this." He laughed silently; I could feel the vibrations against my body. "I know. You can take me to Veronica's party Friday after the game."
"Oh, God, no--not a party!" He flopped back on the couch. "That's cruel and unusual punishment. Can't you just pull my fingernails out or something?" He sat back up and hugged me again. "Why don't we just go to your house and watch movies?"
"I would love that," I sighed, breathing in his spicy scent. I could imagine cuddling on the couch with him. Maybe more than just cuddling, if we're being totally honest here. "But I need to go this wretched party for a little while, and I did warn you that I would not be going to any of them on my own. That is just too much to ask." I turned my head into his delicious smelling neck. "We don't have to stay very long; just long enough for me to get in good with Veronica. I wish I could like her, but she just drives me crazy."
Way too soon he unfolded himself from behind me and returned to his seat on the floor. "Fine. I can do maybe fifteen minutes at a stupid party."
****
Thursday morning I woke up early enough to fuss with my hair and makeup as required by the cheerleading Nazis. I never wear very much makeup, but there were even rules about that! Acceptable amounts and colors were outlined in our cheer contracts. As I put on blush, sparkly eye shadow, and lip-gloss, I thought about how was not cut out for all this girly crap. I had been dressing better lately, thanks to Tara's tutelage, but this was over the top. We were told to wear our cheerleading warm ups to school and change into our skirts and shells right before the assembly. I fastened the puffy red bow around my super-high ponytail. Checking myself a last time in the mirror, I rolled my eyes and went downstairs to meet Tara.
"You look like Bring It On exploded all over you," she said after giving me a once over.
"One more comment from you and I will smother you with my pom-poms, I swear to God, Tara! Let's not forget whose idea this was." She just laughed. “I should have made you join cheerleading with me. Maybe there’s still time,” I threatened.
“Hell no. I have to devote myself to my oboe. I have no time for shaking pom-poms.”
I walked into fourth period physics and noticed Jack sitting at our table, texting on his phone, and looking irritated. I walked up behind him and touched him on the shoulder. “Hey, are you ok?”
He looked up and smiled, the irritated look clearing away, when he saw it was me. "Aww. Where's the short skirt?"
"Don't be a pig," I said as I handed him a set of calipers. "We are not allowed to wear them during classes. Apparently all that bare leg would turn all these high school boys into slavering beasts. I'll change before the assembly."
"As a member of the slavering beasts, I get it. But I'll be sure to get to the gym early and get a good seat with an unobstructed
view. "
I mouthed "pig" at him. He just gave a wolfish grin.
We were on a special schedule for the pep assembly, which was right after 4th period, just before lunch. When I left early to change into my uniform, Jack gave me a wink and a lascivious grin. I wish, I thought. Too bad he doesn't put his money where his mouth is. He'd find me a completely willing participant. Sigh. All this flirting, hugging, and almost-but-not-quite kissing was starting to get on my nerves. Don't get me wrong, I loved it, but I wondered where we really stood in our relationship. I was ready to dive in, but he was still holding back, keeping it mostly light, friendly and on the surface.
The cheerleaders were warming up when they started allowing the rest of the students into the main gym. The basketball team was also warming up, shooting a few practice throws, although I have no idea why since this was just a pep rally. They were probably just showing off. I couldn't help overhearing some of the girls talking and giggling about the boys on the team, several of who were every bit as muscular as the football players I had noticed a couple weeks ago. One of the girls was cracking a joke about a "big man with a really little man" that I didn't understand. Judging from the way the other girls laughed, it was a crude joke. I felt really young and naïve at that moment. Maybe I would ask Tara or Jack about it later. I spotted Tara, Jack, and Travis sitting together about halfway up the bleachers. I saw Tara point and then Jack spot me. His jaw dropped in a flattering way when he saw me (the skirts are really short, but have these things called bloomers that cover our underwear) and he put his fingers in his mouth and let out a shrill whistle. Veronica, who was stretching beside me, noticed and said, "So are you guys together, or what?"
"Or what," I sighed and continued stretching.
“He’s hot,” another cheerleader named Lina inserted herself into our conversation. “He’s got that whole bad boy thing going on. If you don’t want him, I may jump on that.”
