by Sue Reid
I shrugged.
‘Oh, Jess, even a lady’s maid has some time off! And we’ll ’ave much more fun than she will!’
‘Who will?’ I looked up to see that Sarah was standing by the door. She didn’t come in, of course, since I was sitting there. I let Ivy explain.
‘We’re going to London – Jess and me.’
‘Oh, so Jess has persuaded her ladyship to let her stay on as Miss Penelope’s personal maid,’ Sarah said. She snorted.
Ivy looked embarrassed and I bridled. I didn’t like the way Sarah aired our row in public.
‘The new lady’s maid is ill,’ I said coldly. ‘They gave me no choice.’
‘So when are you leaving, Ivy?’ Sarah said, ignoring me. ‘The family go at the end of the week, don’t they?’
I’d had enough. I got up and pushed past Sarah out of the room. One of us had to go, and I wasn’t sorry it was me.
I’d only gone a few steps when I felt a hand on my shoulder. ‘Sarah’s got the hump, hasn’t she?’ Ivy said. ‘What’s up between you two?’
I decided to confide in her.
‘She’s angry with me,’ I said in a low voice. ‘She thinks I don’t understand how she feels … about Fred finishing with her because I’ve never had a proper relationship.’ I couldn’t even look at Ivy when I said that. It felt shameful somehow – admitting that I’d never had a young man to walk out with – and all the hurt and anger I felt at Sarah welled up in me again.
Ivy squeezed my shoulder – just like Sarah used to. I felt my eyes fill.
‘We’ve been friends so long,’ I said, my voice trembling.
‘Then you’ll be friends again,’ said Ivy. I looked at her. Had she grown older and wiser while I hadn’t been watching? ‘In the meantime, you’ve got me,’ She said. She linked her arm through mine. ‘It’s our time off, isn’t it?’
‘If Miss Penelope doesn’t ring for me.’
‘Oh, let’s not worry about them upstairs for a moment,’ said Ivy. ‘Trouble with you, Jess, is you’re too conscientious. People put upon you. But that’s at an end now. I’m going to look through your wardrobe. You’re going to cut such a show in London town you’ll be fighting them off!’
I managed a smile. ‘Ivy, you’re a tonic.’
‘We’ll be away from our enemies,’ said Ivy. ‘Maddie’s staying here, I’m relieved to report. What larks we’ll have, eh, Jess.’
‘I won’t have much time, Ivy. I’ll be busier even than I am now.’
She clicked her fingers. ‘We’ll manage, don’t you fret.’
Nothing was allowed to get in Ivy’s way.
‘They’ll have the house to spring-clean,’ I said. I wasn’t sorry to be missing that.
‘And the meals to cook. Mind, I’ll still be doing the washing-up in London. But not,’ she pulled my head down and whispered into my ear, ‘for much longer. Not if I can help it.’
‘Got enough saved up for that room yet?’ I asked.
‘Not yet,’ said Ivy. ‘But I will. Never you fear.’ She said it very seriously, and I suddenly felt uneasy.
‘You take care, Ivy,’ I said.
‘Oh, Jess, just worry about yourself for once, the rest of the world’s not your problem.’
I’d never thought of it like that. But maybe it was time I did.
UPSTAIRS
I leaned over Starshine’s stall. ‘Sorry, Starshine,’ I murmured, feeling her wet nose push at my empty hand hopefully. I hadn’t thought to bring her anything to eat. Behind me Uncle was talking to Fred and the head groom about the filly Uncle was hoping to race at Ascot. I didn’t dare turn round. As soon as I’d heard Fred’s voice my heart had seemed to fly from my chest. Soon he would come to saddle up Starshine and help me up on to her back. I’d feel the touch of his hand… I hadn’t been able to think of anything else since Uncle had suggested the ride. I’d tried to find an excuse, but Uncle had brushed aside my excuses. ‘You look pale,’ he’d declared. ‘You need fresh air. And so do I! It’s time I had a good gallop with my niece.’
‘But Penelope has a lot to do,’ Aunt had objected. We were leaving for London in the morning. For once I agreed with her.
‘Piffle!’ Uncle said. ‘The girl has a maid. She will pack for her. We want her to look her best for the season, don’t we?’ He’d smiled at me, a complicit smile. I’d smiled weakly back, but I’d felt uneasy. It was some weeks since I’d been to the stables. The pain I’d felt had almost gone. Even when I saw Sarah now it hardly ached at all, but I was terrified of destroying my new-found peace. I had tried so hard not to think about Fred, but now, stroking Starshine’s nose, I could think of nothing else. I couldn’t understand how I both longed to see him and never wanted to see him again.
I heard steps behind me. I knew whose they were, and I kept my eyes averted. I did not want Fred to see how I felt. My hands felt sticky. I clasped them behind my back.
‘It’s a long time since you were here, Miss Penelope,’ Fred said.
So, he’d noticed then, had he?
I gave a brisk nod. I didn’t look up, but I knew just where he was. I heard the door swing open, the creak of leather as the saddle was thrown over Starshine’s back, the jangle of the harness as bridle and reins were tightened. The sound of hooves as Starshine was led out of her stall, a squeak as the door of the stall swung shut again.
Even then I kept my eyes to myself. I had my pride. I would not let him see how unhappy he had made me. How it hurt to know that he could be standing so near to me, and yet be so far away.
‘How have you been, Miss Penelope?’ he said.
‘Never better,’ I lied. ‘I’m going to London for the season tomorrow.’ I tried to make it sound as if it was my every dream rolled into one. ‘So you will be away for some time then?’
Yes, so you can spend all the time you want with the girl you chose instead of me.
‘Just help me up, Fred,’ I said as haughtily as I could.
He nodded. I felt the touch of his hands as he helped me up on to Starshine’s back. The warmth from them flowed through me. I tried to hide how I felt. He was standing very close.
‘Poll, I’ve missed you so much,’ he murmured.
It was as if he had dug a finger into the wound. I couldn’t keep silent any longer. ‘Isn’t one girl enough for you, Fred?’ I said angrily.
He looked confused. Did I really have to explain?
‘I know all about Sarah, Fred, as does everyone else it seems. I’m not the trusting fool I was.’
‘Sarah and I—’
I pulled on the rein to turn Starshine’s head. I didn’t have to listen to this.
‘Poll, please let me explain.’
‘I don’t think there’s anything more to say,’ I said. Oh, if only he knew the effort it cost me to say that! In desperation, I looked across the yard. Uncle and the groom were still talking. How much longer was Uncle going to be?
‘Please, Poll,’ Fred pleaded.
‘I’m only Polly to my friends,’ I forced myself to say, as coldly as I could.
I saw him wince.
Oh Fred, don’t look at me like that.
I pulled on the rein again to lead Starshine away. ‘Come on, Starshine.’
He grabbed at the bridle.
‘Poll—’
‘Let go!’ I said angrily, yanking it away from him.
‘Won’t you even let me explain?’
‘You could have explained to me months ago. I have nothing to say to you, Fred.’ He’d never know how much it hurt, how much I longed to fall off the horse into his arms. I looked away. Jem was attempting to heave Uncle’s bulk up on to his splendid mount. ‘I must go now, Fred,’ I said.
‘Please listen to me,’ he pleaded. ‘Sarah and I – I’ve known her since we were children. But there has been nothing between us since you and I…’
‘I saw you together at the ball,’ I said. ‘I was there, too, remember. Perhaps you didn’t notice.’
‘Of course I
did. I wanted to ask you to dance. I wanted to dance with you so much. I wanted everyone to see us together, but they can’t, can they?’
‘Please don’t use that excuse again,’ I said.
‘Let me talk to you when you get back.’
I couldn’t stand it any longer. Didn’t he know how much he was hurting me?
‘Come, Starshine!’ I said. I urged her forward. We trotted over to Uncle’s side. Uncle turned round in the saddle.
‘Ready, Penelope?’
I nodded.
‘I’m sorry to have been so long,’ he said. ‘I was talking to the head groom about the horse I’ll be racing at Ascot. A splendid young filly!’ He winked. I stretched my lips into a smile. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Fred walk over to the gate. I saw him open it. When I looked back again, he had gone. I felt a dull pain settle on my heart again.
‘We’ll go down to the copse,’ Uncle declared. We trotted out of the yard together. If only I didn’t feel so miserably wretched. Uncle swung round to me. ‘Let’s see you gallop then!’ he said. I urged Starshine to a gallop. Her mane streamed behind her. The countryside flew past. I’d missed this. I felt the pain begin to slip away.
‘You ride well,’ Uncle called to me. ‘You’ve been well taught.’ We reached the end of the field. A low hedgerow impeded our path. ‘If you’re not sure about jumping it we’ll go round,’ my uncle said.
But I was eager to show my prowess.
‘I’ll follow you over,’ I said, touching Starshine lightly with my cane. I felt her gather her haunches and then we were flying. With a thud we were over and galloping on to the next hedge. I took that easily too. Exhilaration filled me. I felt as if I had left the pain far behind me.
‘Well done!’ said Uncle admiringly, pulling on his reins and trotting over to me. ‘You’ll be the toast of the Meet.’ We slowed to a trot and he told me about the meets that would be held at Langdown when the season began again, and the shooting parties that had been held there. ‘The King came to one,’ he said. ‘That was in your great-uncle’s time.’ He shook his head. ‘It nearly bankrupted him.’
The sun was low as we trotted back to the stables. The yard was empty. Empty and desolate.
‘Where have the lads got to?’ Uncle grumbled.
I saw a stall open. Expectation flooded through me. But it was Jem who was running up to us.
He touched his cap. ‘Sorry, your lordship, trouble with a horse’s shoe,’ he said breathlessly. He helped us down and led the horses back to their stalls. There was still no sign of Fred. Where was he? I felt a gnawing anxiety. I’d felt sure I’d see him when we returned. The exhilaration I’d felt on the ride fizzled away. I realized I’d been deluding myself. How much of it had been due to thinking that I’d see him again, feel the touch of his hand?
‘You’d better run along,’ Uncle said to me. ‘Your aunt will be worrying.’ He smiled. ‘The ladies, eh?’ he jested to Jem. ‘Must keep them happy. Now, Jem,’ he said. He put a hand on Jem’s shoulder. ‘A word.’ They walked away together.
I walked slowly over to Starshine’s stall. She heard me and pushed her head out. I kissed her softly on the nose. ‘Goodbye,’ I murmured, putting all the feeling I had for Fred into that kiss. I made my way slowly to the gate. Fred was avoiding me; I wouldn’t see him before I left in the morning. The weight had settled back on my heart again, even heavier than before. I could scarcely drag my feet to the gate. Why oh why had I not let him explain? Why had I let my temper get the better of me? As I reached the gate I looked back. The yard was empty again. Uncle had disappeared somewhere with Jem. I put out my hand for the latch, but instead of the latch my hand closed on something warm. I let it rest there. I felt someone’s fingers entwine themselves with mine.
It was Fred. Fred who was standing there. Fred whose fingers were clasping mine.
‘Polly,’ he said softly. I couldn’t speak. But everything I felt was in my eyes. Everything he felt I could see in his.
‘You are the only girl for me,’ he said earnestly. ‘I knew that almost as soon as I met you. I didn’t know what to do… I felt that you were too far above me, whereas Sarah … but I couldn’t go on seeing her. I was lying to myself. And to her. I ended with her the night of the ball. You must be true to your heart.’
He gazed at me bleakly. ‘But now you’re going away. When will you be back, Polly?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I said. ‘It may only be a few weeks. Or…’ I didn’t want to look further ahead. I didn’t want to say that then there would be parties, and shoots, and trips to Goodwood, Henley and Ascot. I didn’t want him to think about that. I didn’t want to think about that. Many girls met their husbands in their first season. I didn’t want to think about that either. I didn’t like to think of the long weeks when we wouldn’t be able to see or speak to each other.
‘Can I write to you, Fred? And will you write to me?’ I felt shy suddenly.
He nodded. He still looked miserable.
‘I will come back,’ I said. ‘And when I do,’ I said, ‘we will ride together every day.’
‘Even in the rain?’
‘Even in the snow!’
He smiled. ‘Aren’t you afraid of anything, Poll?’
‘Only of losing you,’ I said.
We spoke in hurried whispers. There was so much to say and think and feel. If only we had more time. Fred kept glancing behind me into the yard. Suddenly I felt him withdraw his hand from mine.
‘You must go,’ he said urgently.
‘My uncle?’ I asked.
He nodded.
‘If he asks why I’m still here, I’ll say I had to talk to you about Starshine,’ I said. ‘Oh, Fred…’ It was too soon. I couldn’t leave him – not yet. My hand reached for his again.
‘You must go,’ he said. I withdrew my hand, but I kept my eyes on his face. I wanted to stamp it on my memory. His hair that shone like burnished copper when the sun caught it, the way it wouldn’t lie flat, like mine, the way his brown eyes looked into mine, like now…
If only I had a picture of him. I’d pin it on the ceiling so that I could lie and look at it in bed, so that his face would be the first thing I’d see in the morning and the last thing I saw at night. He was gazing at me as if he wanted to imprint every tiny piece of me in his memory too. Our hands slid towards each other again. It was so hard letting go.
He stood back to let me through the gate. I didn’t look back.
UPSTAIRS
The train hissed to a stop. Doors banged. Voices shouted. Somewhere a whistle blew. I’d forgotten how noisy London was. As the cloud of steam outside the window began to fade I saw porters cluster round the carriages like flies. I’d only been in London once – the day I’d arrived in England. It had been winter then, and its glories had lain hidden from me under a foggy grey blanket that refused to lift.
A footman opened the door for us to descend and I stepped down carefully on to the platform. At once porters swarmed up to us, fighting for the right to take our luggage. Most of it had gone ahead of us. I heard Aunt’s voice gently raised telling us to keep close by her. She had nothing to worry about. The crowd soon parted for us, first-class passengers, like the sea had for Moses.
We’d left Langdown soon after breakfast. I’d sat at one side of the carriage, Clemmie next to me, a bulwark against Arabella. As the carriage had bounced down the drive I’d tried not to think about Fred. Each clop of the horses’ hooves was taking me further away from him. None of the stable hands were coming to London. Most of those servants who were coming had already left, to prepare the house for us. I was relieved that Sarah wouldn’t be among them. I felt awkward whenever I saw her now. The housemaids always stayed behind to do the spring-cleaning.
I was thankful that the carriage only took us as far as the station. It always made me feel sick. I couldn’t understand why Aunt didn’t prefer the motor car – the motion was so much smoother. George’s pink motor had departed with him to university. He’d said h
e’d see us in London. And in London too there’d be Flo – and David, who’d talked about things I’d never thought of before. Of learning to fly, and girls who went on marches, girls who refused to obey the rules of young ladydom. If they could, so could I.
We got back into a carriage for the last part of our journey – to Uncle’s townhouse in Mayfair. I’d never heard of Mayfair before. The name conjured up something very different to the broad streets of imposing mansions I could see through the carriage window. We stopped in a street full of trees of waving blossom. A boy ran to open the courtyard gate and the carriage rolled into a gravelled forecourt. Above us towered several storeys of red brick.
Barrett stood on the step to greet us. I remembered the day I’d arrived at Langdown. I walked past him with more confidence now. Inside, I found myself in a large entrance hall. A wide staircase swept upwards. It was almost like a miniature version of Langdown, I thought. The servants had lined up to greet us. Most of the faces were unfamiliar.
I was shown to my chamber, a room at the front of the house. It felt strange to look out on to a street. To glimpse cars and carriages through the blossom. Baxter helped me change out of my travelling gown and into one of my new gowns. I’d had several new gowns made for me before we left Langdown. Even Aunt didn’t expect me to appear in London society in Arabella’s cast-offs.
While Baxter unpacked I put my photographs of Mother and Father on the dressing table. I remembered the one Aunt had shown me, of Mother when she was my age. It must have been taken just before she came out. How had she felt? I wondered. It hadn’t been long after that that she had met my father. But where and how they had met, no one had ever told me. I knew so little of their past. I wished now that I had asked more questions, I wished she was here to advise me. A gong boomed from the floor below. I descended the staircase for tea. While one of the footmen served us with tea and cakes Barrett brought in a silver salver, stacked with calling cards.
‘Ah, I see that many of our acquaintances are already in town,’ Aunt smiled. Amongst the cards was a letter for me. Arabella of course was rudely surprised that anyone should want to write to me. I turned it over. It had a London postmark. I took a silver paper knife and slit open the envelope.
