by Terra Wolf
“Alexander!” A voice called from behind me. Shit. The last thing I needed was a run in with McCullers. I pretended like I didn’t hear him until he was standing directly behind me. “Hey, Kellan!”
I turned around slowly and plastered a smile on my face.
“McCullers,” I said. “What the hell are you doing here man?”
“Just making the rounds,” he shrugged. “Visiting some friends up in New Haven. Thought we’d take a little road trip. I didn’t know you lived around here!”
“Yeah man,” I said. “Mountain Creek is home.”
“Where?” McCullers asked. His eyes looked glazed over and I knew he was already drunk. I couldn’t blame him; I wasn’t exactly sober myself.
“Here,” I explained. “This town. Mountain Creek.”
“Right,” McCullers nodded. “Well, let me buy you a drink! Man, it has been way too long.”
“Just a few months,” I said softly. The last time I saw McCullers was at Young’s funeral. His golden tiger eyes never left the casket. The memory made the alcohol in my stomach churn.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I said. “Look man, it would be great to catch up with you, but I’m actually here with someone. She’s in the bathroom right now, but she’ll be out in a minute.”
“Oh!” McCullers yelled with a grin. “A lady? Well, I should meet her! Tell her what she’s getting herself into with the likes of you.”
McCullers bumped me good-naturedly. I tried to smile, but it came out as more of a grimace. He didn’t notice.
“That would be great,” I said. “But maybe another night, okay? It’s kind of a date, you know? Just us.”
“I see,” McCullers said, his face changing in an instant. “Don’t have time for an old buddy.”
“It’s not that, man…”
“No, forget it,” he snapped. “I don’t know what I expected. You haven’t kept in touch with any of us since we all left the Alpha Squad. Too good for us now?”
“It’s not that,” I said again. “Things have just been hard.”
“Hard?” McCullers laughed. “Yeah, I bet they have. Carrying around all that guilt can’t be easy.”
“Guilt?” I felt my face flush.
“We all know what really happened that night,” McCullers spat, his eye glowing.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I turned away, my head spinning with anger and intoxication. I couldn’t believe McCullers would dare talk about that op. My bear growled, pacing. I knew where this was going.
“Yes, you do,” McCullers said. He grabbed my shoulder and spun me around to face him. He got in my face, spit flying in my eyes as he spoke. “We all know why Young died, Alexander. You should have been there. You were the closest and you let him die. You just let him…”
Fuck him.
My clothes ripped and my body changed before I even knew what was happening. I faced him as a brown bear while the crowd parted. I heard a woman scream and the bartender yell. I didn’t care.
In moments he did the same, a giant tiger prowling across from me like I was his prey. Hell no I wasn’t.
When my paw hit his face, I barely knew what happened. I connected with his jaw and his head jerked to the side. I didn’t wait for him to fight back. I tackled him to the ground, knocking a chair over as we went. We landed hard. McCullers rolled us over and pinned me down. His huge teeth attempting to sink into my neck. Asshole was going to kill me. I kicked him off me and threw him to the ground. My back paw connected with his stomach and I felt him curl inward. The satisfaction I felt was so great that I kicked him again. And again. Until a bear I didn’t know pulled me away from him. He had me by the scruff, and he had to be huge, Grizzly I guessed by the way he easily held me back. The teeth in my neck were killing me.
I struggled against the teeth that held me, kicking wildly.
“Get out of here!” the bartender yelled. “Both of you!”
I was carried out into the parking lot and thrown onto the ground. It wasn’t long before McCullers was thrown next to me. I scrambled to my feet and immediately put some distance between us. The fight was over. We didn’t need to throw anymore punches.
McCullers changed back and one of his buddies threw him some pants and a shirt from his truck. I watched as they disappeared across the parking lot, still in bear form. When I looked back up, Julia was standing in front of me with a look of fury on her face.
Shit. I changed immediately, naked in the parking lot, looking like a complete idiot.
“Julia,” I began. I had almost forgotten about her completely. “I can explain.”
“Save it,” she spat. She stormed past me. I turned and ran after her.
“Stop!” I said. “Please, just listen. You don’t understand.”
“Oh, I understand perfectly, Kellan,” she yelled. She turned on me and took a step forward. Her eyes were on fire with rage and alcohol. “This is just who you are! Right when things start to get good again, you screw it up! You start throwing punches in bars! Beating the crap out of random strangers and…”
“He wasn’t random!” I screamed. “You have no idea what you’re talking about!”
“The hell he wasn’t!” she screamed back. “I can’t believe I fell for your crap again!”
“Will you just listen to me?” I begged. “Please. I can explain. I know that guy, okay? We were in the Alpha Squad together. On the same team and…”
“So, you were fighting with someone you served with?!” Julia demanded. “What the hell is wrong with you?! What kind of person have you become? And now you’re naked in the parking lot, cause you couldn’t even control your bear. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I don’t know!”
I felt my entire body shake, I knew if I didn’t calm down I’d change again, only further proving her point. My blood was boiling as I remembered the things McCullers said inside Jackson’s. His words hit me harder than anything ever had. He finally put into words exactly how I’d felt since the night Young died. No one knew how much that night tore me apart. Even my own team members thought I was responsible. I always thought it was my fault, but after my confrontation with McCullers, I knew I was right.
“I’m going home,” Julia announced. She looked at me with disgust and shook her head. “Don’t follow me. Don’t ever speak to me again.”
“Julia!” I called after her as she hurried down the street. I moved to follow her, but my legs weren’t strong enough to hold me. After everything that happened that night, I couldn’t stand for another second. I collapsed on the asphalt and rolled onto my back.
As I stared up at the stars, the world around me spun and my stomach heaved uncomfortably. I rolled over and vomited. When I was done, I laid my head back down and closed my eyes.
“Alexander, you look like shit, man.”
I heard Young’s voice in my head as clearly as if he was laying right beside me. The tears began to flow.
“Get up,” he said. “You’re already pathetic enough without passing out in front of a bar. Just get up.”
“I can’t,” I said out loud. “I can’t do it anymore, Young.”
“You have to,” his voice whispered.
“Why?” I asked. My voice cracked with emotion.
“Because you lived, man,” he told me. “You lived.
Twenty- Two
Julia
I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache, but it wasn’t from the alcohol. Immediately, I remembered everything that happened the night before. Having sex with Kellan in the bathroom. Feeling like I could never want anyone more than I wanted him. Then, the waves of guilt that washed over me as I remembered how our daughter had been conceived.
Kellan still didn’t know that Lillian existed. We were falling for each other all over again and I hadn’t told him the most important part of my life… I hated myself for it.
When I left the bathroom, I was ready to tell him everything.
I felt bold and confident after the five drinks and the orgasm. I knew I could tell him the truth and I knew he would understand. But, when I saw him change and tackle that tiger everything changed.
I stood back and watched as he pummeled some random shifter. There was blood everywhere. People tried to break them apart, but it took a few tries and then finally someone else changing before they could pry Kellan off him. I felt sick just watching the way Kellan’s face twisted with rage and violence. The strong, muscular body I knew so well was being used for something I hated. He was hurting someone senselessly.
After everything Kellan and I had been through, I didn’t think there was anything that could tear us apart again.
I was wrong.
Seeing Kellan fight that way made me regret every single moment I had spent back in Mountain Creek. I stormed down the street and didn’t slow down until I reached my parents’ house. By the time I feel asleep that night, I had decided to leave the next morning.
When I woke up, I knew that wasn’t fair to my family. They had a huge barbecue planned for the next day. Everyone was going to be there to see me one last time before I left for New York. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t blow them off.
Instead, I took a shower and cooked breakfast for Lillian. After she ate, I drove her to Lacey’s house and dropped her off to play.
“You okay?” Jack asked when he answered the door.
“I’m great,” I said. “Lili just wanted to play with her cousins. Is that alright?”
“Of course,” he smiled. “Come on in, Lili bug.”
“Thanks, Uncle Jack!” Lili ran through the door and hurried upstairs to the playroom. I could hear her cousins squeal with delight when they saw her. I smiled and turned my attention back to Jack.
“I should go,” I said. “I’ll pick her up in a few hours.”
“Hey,” he called. “What’s up?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You’re upset,” he said with a matter-of-fact tone. “What happened? Did Kellan do something?”
“No,” I shook my head. “I just… I let myself believe in the fairytale. I was wrong.”
“If you need to talk,” he said softly.
“Thanks,” I waved sadly and made my back to the car.
After driving around town aimlessly for almost an hour, I decided to just go back to my parents’ place and rest for a while. My body hadn’t recovered from the previous night and I knew I would need my energy to play with Lili later.
When I pulled into my parents’ driveway, I felt my stomach sink. Kellan was sitting on the front steps with his head in his hands. I didn’t know how long he’d been waiting, but I knew my parents were gone for the day. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and drive all the way back to New York.
“What do you want?” I asked when I got out of the car. Kellan jumped to his feet and walked over to me. We stood facing each other in the front yard. I crossed my arms and waited for his answer.
“I need to talk to you,” he said weakly. His eyes were red. He looked terrible.
“I don’t have anything to say to you, Kellan.”
“Then just listen,” he begged. “Please.”
I didn’t agree, but I didn’t tell him to leave. I stood silently with my arms crossed and waited impatiently for him to say whatever it was he so badly needed to say.
“Last night,” he began. “That fight was… it was complicated.”
“Complicated?” I snapped. “Yeah. Okay.”
“It was,” he insisted. I could tell he was trying to stay calm. “That guy, McCullers, and I were on the same Alpha team. Me, him, Young, and Hansen. We did over a hundred ops together. We were seamless. We could move without thinking, communicate without speaking. We were brothers. More than brothers. It’s hard to explain to a human, but we were connected in a really intense way.”
Kellan took a breath and closed his eyes. For the first time, I noticed that his hands were shaking. My instincts told me to step forward and touch him, but I forced myself to fight the urge. I was still angry about everything.
“We were on an op,” he said slowly. “I can’t get into the specifics. I’m duty bound to stay silent about it, but that night… things went wrong. We were all separated which is never ideal, but it was essential for the mission. I heard gunshots. I ran as fast as I could, but I was too late. By the time we found Young… he was already half dead. We couldn’t save him.”
I sucked in a breath and listened more intently. All my anger disappeared.
“Last night,” he continued. “McCullers was drunk. We both were. He said some stuff he shouldn’t have. He blamed me for what happened to Young, which is something I’ve been doing every day for the past four months. But, when McCullers said it, I just lost it. I didn’t even know what I was doing until it was over. I shouldn’t have changed and attacked him, I know that. Julia, I’m sorry you had to see that. That’s not something I ever wanted you to witness. I’m not that person. I’m not the kind of bear who gets in random bar fights. I was just…”
“Angry,” I said softly.
“Guilty,” he corrected. “I can’t shake the thought that I should have done more. If I had moved faster, ran harder, then maybe I could have saved him. I should have saved him.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said immediately. I took a step closer to him and touched his shoulder gently. “You did everything you could, Kellan. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I feel like it is,” he said weakly. “I’m trying to move past it, but it’s hard. Hearing McCullers blame me like that…”
“He didn’t mean it,” I said quickly. “There’s no way he meant it. He was just drunk and sad. I’m sure he’s struggling with everything just like you are.”
“I know he is,” Kellan nodded. “But hearing him say that turned me into a different person. I became my worst nightmare. I never want to feel that way again.”
“I know,” I said. I watched Kellan’s face and saw his eyes fill with tears. He hung his head and I immediately pulled him in for a hug. I held him tightly, wishing I could take away every ounce of pain he felt.
“Julia,” Kellan said. He pushed me away gently so he could look in my eyes. “I came here to explain myself, to tell you what happened last night, but that’s not all. There’s something I wanted to say too.”
“What is it?” I asked. The look on Kellan’s face made my stomach flip nervously. He was staring at me with so much emotion that it threatened to overwhelm me.
“I have to get out of here,” he said. “This town. This place. I need to leave. I can’t explain it, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to, but I feel like I’m drowning here. Ever since I came back, I’ve been telling myself that it’s for the best. I thought it would help me heal, but it’s just done the opposite. I think what I need to do, is leave.”
I nodded and said, “I can understand that. I’ve felt that way before.”
“I’m not finished,” Kellan said quickly. “I want to leave. I have to leave. But, I want you to come with me.”
“What?” I asked. I took a step backward and frowned.
“Run away with me,” he said. He was speaking fast. Too fast. “Let’s just pack up and bail. You can call your office and say you’re taking a leave of absence or something. We can just go.”
“Where?” I asked.
“Anywhere,” he said. I could feel the excitement bubbling off him. “Everywhere. We can just start driving and see what happens. I have to leave, Julia, but I don’t want to leave you. I can’t leave you. Not again.”
“Kellan,” I began. “It’s not that simple. I can’t just…”
“You can!” he said. He smiled and took my hands in his. “Julia, I love you so much. I have always, always been in love with you. These past few years without you have been awful. Even when I felt like I was doing exactly what I was meant to do, something was missing. I didn’t feel complete and that’s because you weren’t
there. I need you with me. You’re the woman I’m supposed to mate with. I knew the second I saw you again. Deep down, I’ve always known it. We’re meant to mate for life you and me.”
“Kellan…”
“No,” he said. “I know you feel it, too. You can’t tell me you don’t. I know you love me.”
“I do,” I said quickly. “I do love you, Kellan. And I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions last night. I really am, but that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t just run away with you.”
“Why not?” he demanded. “Give me one good reason why you can’t.”
“Work,” I said simply. “I have a job. One that I love.”
“You can be a lawyer anywhere!” he said.
“You know that’s not true,” I argued. “Kellan, I’ve worked so hard to get where I am now. You can’t ask me to give that up.”
“But I am,” he said. “I am because I love you and you love me. Our life together could be amazing. More than amazing. It could be everything we’ve always wanted it to be. I know it can.”
“I feel the same way,” I said. “But…”
“No” he argued. “Just stop. Stop thinking of reasons why you can’t do this and start listening to your heart.”
“I am,” I argued.
“You aren’t!” he half yelled. “If you were, you would know that our love is something that only happens once in a lifetime. We have to fight for it! There’s nothing more than important than us. Nothing.”
“Yes,” I said firmly. “There is.”
“What?” he demanded.
“Our daughter.”
Twenty- Three
Julia
The words left my lips and hit Kellan’s ears like a brick. I could see his entire demeanor change. He sunk into himself. His eyes darkened and his face lost all color. His breathing stopped almost completely as he stood staring at me in shock.
“What did you just say?” he asked.
I took a deep breath and tried to explain.
“When you left,” I said. “I was pregnant. I didn’t know it at the time. That night, I only knew that my heart was breaking. A week later, I found out I was pregnant.”
