by Abby Brooks
I read through the rest of that letter, remembering the story Tara told me about the time Jack didn’t call for nearly two weeks. Is this Ty’s version of that same story? I carefully fold the letter back up and set it aside before picking up another. This one is much happier, full of the cocky, confident man I know.
Alexa—
If you could have seen me today, I swear you would have fallen head over heels in love with me. Shit. Who am I kidding, you’re already head over heels in love with me, aren’t you? Well, today? Today my friend, you would have lost yourself to me completely…
I read this one, smiling and shaking my head at his brazen confidence. It’s such a stark contrast to the first letter I read. I pick up one more and unfold the paper.
Alexa—
Sometimes I think I’m crazy for writing to you all these years. You’re probably happily married by now, living the good life with some lucky schmuck while I sit here and obsess about a woman I met once and fell in love with the moment my I laid eyes on her. Before you, I never believed in love, let alone love at first sight, but now? Well, I think my actions speak for themselves, don’t they? I know I’m only in love with an idea of you, a version of you I’ve created in my mind and held onto for all this time, but that doesn’t change the fact that I do love you. I hope, wherever you are and whoever you’re with that you’re happy…
Each subsequent letter shows me another facet of who Ty is inside. I read his self-doubt. His intelligence. His desire to do the right thing, not just for himself but for every person in his command. If I thought I loved him before, these letters are only going to make me love him more. He was so right. I’m already head over heels, but now, I’m lost to him completely.
LEXI
Days come and go and we ease into a rhythm that starts to make some kind of sense. Ty and I talk every day for the most part. If we can’t find time or a strong enough internet connection for a Skype call, we communicate through email. Oddly enough, the distance between us has strengthened our relationship rather than weakened it. Instead of sitting side by side, staring at the TV or the beach, we’re pouring ourselves out to each other. Whether it’s through email or video chat, all we can do is talk, ask questions, and respond in kind.
Now, after getting to know him so well, I understand what drove him to join the Marines. I know why he’s so close to his sister. In one email conversation that happened over the course of several days, he shared with me what it was like growing up as a son with a mom doing everything in her power to support her two kids and I can see how that shaped him into the man he is today. He got his first job at ten—a paper route—and by the time he was sixteen, he was using part of his paycheck to pay the bills or buy groceries for his family. He’s been a protector and provider since he was too young to take on the burden.
Meanwhile, I share with him all the silly little fears and worries that make me who I am. I’ve made a life out of doing what scares me, simply because everything scares me. I got tired of letting worry and anxiety rule my life, so I put on some bright red lipstick and started saying yes to stuff.
Meet a guy in Key West and that scares the hell out of me? Great. Run towards him.
Realize I’m pregnant and have no idea how I’m going to make things work? That’s fine. Keep on running.
Find the father of your child again a few years later and that scares you some more? Run right into his arms and throw yourself into them.
The more we share with each other, the more we talk and communicate about our pasts and our dreams of the future, the closer we get. I miss touching him. Like, a lot. Like, so much it hurts.
The Fourth of July arrives and my vacation is almost over. Bailey and Liam invite me and Gabe to come hang out at their house for a cookout and other shenanigans. When we arrive, David’s car is parked behind Bailey’s truck and it makes me smile. I can’t remember the last time we all hung out in Bailey’s kitchen together and that used to be a regular thing way back when she first started dating Liam.
When Bailey’s parents passed away, she inherited their house and has lived in it ever since but I wonder if they would even recognize the place if they were still around. Every single window is brand spanking new. The gutters have been replaced. The porch has a new coat of paint. Liam has expanded old rooms and added new ones. The entire shape of the house has changed and while it used to look old and broken and filled with ghosts, it’s now warm and inviting and overflowing with love and happiness.
I knock on the front door—also newly replaced—and then let myself in. “Hello? We’re here!” I call out.
Bailey’s voice drifts back to me through the house. “We’re out back on the patio. Get your butt out here!”
I smile as I walk through the living room towards the kitchen. Liam’s presence is everywhere and it’s a welcome addition. We pass the den with the piano where Gabe learned to play and stop in the kitchen where I deposit a bag filled with coleslaw and baked beans and other side items in the fridge before stepping through the back door to the patio.
My friends greet me warmly and Gabe immediately takes off with Claire, running towards the line of trees that butts up against Bailey’s backyard. The men hover over the grill while Bailey and Michelle wave me over to join them where they lounge on the most inviting patio furniture I have ever seen.
“Every time I come over here, something is different,” I say as I plop down in an available chair. “When did you add the skylight in the kitchen?”
“That went in while we were on our honeymoon.” Bailey smiles and shakes her head. “Liam has found a new passion in renovation.” She leans back and kicks her feet up onto an ottoman. “As long as I have at least one working bathroom, I’m fine with it all.”
“I’m happy to hear everything is good with the McGuires.” I turn to Michelle who’s smiling down at a sleeping Thomas cradled in her arms. “And the Carmichaels? Everything still good with you guys?”
Michelle beams. “We’re so good I don’t have words to explain it. I’m more worried about you, though. How are things?”
“I’m so much better than the last time we talked. So much.” Gabe’s laughter catches my attention and I glance back to find him racing Claire across the yard.
“That’s great,” Bailey says and the look on her face tells me she means it. “So, you’re finding answers to your questions?”
“Definitely. Ty and I talk every day, not always face to face. A lot of it is email, but—and feel free to call me crazy here—I almost wonder if this forced distance isn’t the best thing that could have happened to us.”
Bailey rolls her eyes. “Gee. I feel like someone really smart might have said that very same thing. Now who might that really smart someone be?” She taps her finger to her lips as if she’s thinking.
“It was you, silly. You’re the one who said it to me and you were so right. The only way we have to connect with each other is to communicate. This is like … relationship boot camp or something.”
Bailey groans. “Is this what we have to look forward to now? A bunch of military references about everything?”
“Maybe.” I give my friend a hard look and then smile. “Probably. Hoorah, you know?”
Thomas stretches and grunts, capturing all of our attention. The smile on Michelle’s face is damn near blissful.
“Do you feel like you’re any closer to a decision?” she asks when he quiets. “What happens next? Have you guys talked about the future?”
“You mean as far as me moving out there with him?” I bob my head. “We’ve talked about it a lot. I’ve mentioned the fact that he’s asking me to give up my job without even once considering giving up his.”
Bailey’s eyebrows skyrocket. “You did? How did that go over?”
“It went over well. He admitted to that being kind of a douchey thing to do and apologized.”
“That’s a start at least,” Bailey replies. She’s still hung up on the fact that she thinks he’s being selfis
h. I get it, in theory, but my job exists everywhere. His job only exists where they tell him it exists.
“The thing is,” I say. “I’m not sure what Ty would be if he isn’t a Marine. How does someone like him go from saving the world, from putting himself into extreme situations and finding ways to come out safe on the other side, to living in Ohio and doing what? Working in an office?”
Bailey puts her feet on the floor and leans forward. “That’s a fair question, but I’m sure he’s not the first Marine to ever retire. I’m sure people have been through this before.”
“That’s very true and I hear what you’re saying. We haven’t decided what’s going to happen when he comes home.” I smile at my friends. “The only thing I know is that the more I learn about him, the more I want him in my life.”
The truth is, I’m pretty sure I’ll be moving to Hawaii when Ty comes home. I can’t bring myself to tell Michelle and Bailey. Not yet. Not when there’s still so much time between then and now. I don’t want to worry my friends and I definitely don’t want another lecture on how important it is that I make sure I’ve thought things through.
I’ve thought and I’ve thought and I’ve thought. The more of Ty’s old letters I read, the more of his emails I pour over, the more times I see his face smiling at me through the shitty video connection, the more sure I am that I love this man and that I will continue to love him for the rest of my life. But more than that, I’m sure, beyond a doubt, that Ty loves me the same way. This thing between us, whatever it is, this is why we live.
This is the meaning of everything.
True love, baby.
It’s what makes the world go ‘round.
LEXI
July becomes August and I know without a doubt that Ty is the man for me. I finished reading the letters he wrote me over the years. Some made me laugh. Some made me cry. Some made me question how a man that bold managed to make it through everything he experienced overseas alive. But all of them made me realize just how much I love him. I thought he was nothing more than a meathead who was Semper Fi all the time, but I was wrong. Ty has depths I can’t wait to explore.
When he comes back from Afghanistan, I want to move out to Hawaii to be with him. I haven’t talked to him about it yet, so I’m trying not to make any assumptions, but I can’t imagine that he’s changed his mind. I’m going to tell him when we talk today and I haven’t been able to stop checking the time on my phone since I made the decision. I am so ready for him to call.
Gabe is set to start school in a couple weeks, but depending on what Ty and I decide, I don’t know if that means he starts here in Brookside or if I’ll move to Hawaii before Ty gets home so Gabe doesn’t have to change schools in the middle of the year. I’ve been looking at my house, at all my stuff, and mentally planning what goes and what gets sold. Oddly enough, after years of collecting my furniture and knick-knacks, not much of it matters. It isn’t the material stuff that means anything. Not really. What matters most is getting our family back together again, figuring out what that means, and finding a path forward.
Eleven a.m. rolls around and I take a seat on the couch, phone in hand because Ty’s call should come in any time now. I don’t have to wait long. After just a few minutes, my phone vibrates with an incoming call and I answer it immediately.
“Hey, good looking,” I say, even though the screen is still black and his image hasn’t shown up yet.
Ty’s response comes through but it’s so garbled I can’t make sense of it.
“I don’t know if you can see or hear me,” I say. “But I can’t see you at all. I can hear you but it’s so broken up I can’t understand what you’re saying.” I wait for a response and get nothing, not even a blip of sound to let me know he’s talking. After a few seconds of waiting, the call ends.
Damn it. This is a common enough occurrence and on the best days it’s frustrating as all hell but today? Today I have something major I want to talk about and I don’t want to do it through email. I want to see his face when I tell him I’m ready for us to move in together.
Gabe comes bounding into the room. “Is that Dad?” he asks. My heart clenches at the name. He started calling him that shortly after the Fourth and it makes me glad to know he’s accepted Ty enough to call him Dad.
I make a face. “It was, but the connection’s bad again. It looks like we might not get to chat today.”
Gabe’s face falls. “I wanted to tell him that I got to ten pull-ups.”
I start to respond, but my phone vibrates with an incoming video chat. I give Gabe a hopeful look and answer the call.
“Any better?” Ty asks, his face pixelated as all hell, but recognizable nonetheless.
“Much,” I say as Gabe leans in and waves.
“Is that the Gabe-meister? How you doin’, buddy?”
Gabe perches next to me on the couch and father and son chatter back and forth about pull-ups and football and Lego houses. Typically, I’d be happy to listen to their conversation and just be glad that Gabe has a man in his life to help him with all this stuff, but right now I’m eager for them to quiet down so I can talk to Ty about moving to Hawaii before the call drops again. I sit, growing ever more impatient, until Ty and Gabe run out of things to talk about.
“And how’s my beautiful girl?” Ty asks me.
“I’m good. So good.” I turn to Gabe. “Can you give us a minute? I need to talk to your dad about some grown up stuff.”
Gabe grumbles and then says his goodbyes before sliding off the couch and heading back into his room.
“Some grown up stuff, huh?” Ty leans forward, his face taking up most of the screen. “Is this good or bad grown up stuff?”
I take a deep breath, excitement building. This is it. This is me, taking the first big terrifying step that will lead us towards starting our new life together. “I’ve been thinking,” I say, trailing off and smiling, unable to contain my excitement any longer.
I take a breath and open my mouth to tell him I want to move in together when a loud explosion sounds somewhere off camera but close, so close. Ty’s eyes go wide and he swivels in his seat, looking at something that I can’t see. There’s a bunch of yelling and screaming and other sounds I can’t decipher.
Ty stands so abruptly, his chair falls back. “What the hell was that?” His voice is garbled, the connection disintegrating.
“Ty? What’s happening?” I stand, holding my phone close to my face.
The video lurches, pixelates, and then freezes just as Ty leans into the camera. His face is on screen, the fear in his eyes clear enough for me to see.
“Ty?”
I pace, unable to stay still, the phone quivering in my hands. Fear chokes me and my stomach drops to my feet. I stare at his face for a few seconds, tears blurring my vision.
“Ty?” I ask just as the screen goes black.
LEXI
I initiate another Skype call but Ty doesn’t answer. I send him a message, but don’t get a response. My stomach churns and my knees go weak. My face tingles and I realize I’ve been holding my breath. I stand in the living room, eternities passing between each second. What do I do? What can I do? Something terrible is happening to Ty and he’s halfway around the world while I’m stuck here, unable to help and clueless as to what’s going on.
I try another call.
Nothing.
I pace into the kitchen and then right back into the living room. The world wavers in front of me and I realize I’m crying. I swipe away the tears and send another message.
Me: Ty… please tell me you’re okay. Please…
What else can I do?
Who else can I call?
What the hell just happened?
Is Ty okay?
My heart pounds away and nausea seethes in my stomach. I try another video call even though I know it’s pointless. The walls of my house push in on me, everything feels too small, like it’s stealing my breath, like I’m falling and can’t stop. I push through th
e front door and stride into my driveway before I stop.
Movement feels good.
Necessary.
But Gabe’s in there and I can’t leave him alone. Nor do I want to frighten him by letting him see me this upset. Not now. Not yet. Not when I don’t know what’s going on.
Without thinking, I call Tara. The phone rings twice before I realize that’s it’s only five in the morning in Hawaii and I hang up before I wake her.
I’m lost.
Helpless.
Trapped by my lack of knowledge about what’s happening.
The last moments of our call repeat over and over in my mind. The explosion. People screaming. The way Ty bolted out of his chair, pulled towards the problem rather than away from it. And then, that last image as he bent down to say something to me and the call ended. The fear tightening his face and glazing his eyes.
What if, right now, while I’m standing in my driveway under a bright blue sky, Ty’s fighting for his life? Or worse, what if he’s already lost that fight?
The shaking in my legs worsens and I bend down, bracing my hands on my knees. The world spins and I close my eyes just as my phone vibrates in my hand. I straighten, hope zinging through me and answer as my peripheral vision closes in on me and I wobble where I stand.
“Ty?”
“No. It’s Tara. I was making breakfast for Jack when I saw your call.” Her voice is pinched with worry and I do everything I can not to collapse in defeat. “What happened?” she asks. “Is everything okay?”
