by Kip Nelson
She didn't want to feel like that, and it would have been easier had she felt differently. Being her first relationship, these feelings still were raw, and they took on a greater weight than if she had had boyfriends before Luis. She loved him, she was sure of that, but was love enough?
As she stood on the barrier she looked out over the bleak city. The buildings looked so lonely. It was funny to think that only the better part of a year ago this place had been teeming with life as people went about their day to day business without a care in the world. They would have been preoccupied with money, with time, with a whole load of other things that simply didn't matter anymore. Now most of them were gone, and the people who were left struggled with survival, and yet there were still some of the same problems as well. She and Luis never would have met if it hadn't been for the end of the world. She was thrilled by how close they had grown, and yet she couldn't shake this feeling that something was wrong, that whatever they had wasn't enough.
She also knew she wasn't going to find the answers she sought by gazing out into the lost city. She turned and walked back into New Haven to find Maggie and Anna to have a chat. The three of them had grown close over time, and Grace counted on them for good advice. The two women were older and had experienced many more things than Grace. She looked up to them with great respect, for they were also so confident and content in their own skins. Grace was only just beginning to feel comfortable in hers.
The three of them sat outside. Anna was painting, Grace was trying to sketch, and Maggie was sitting with some cocoa, a rare treat for the sheriff. It was cold, but the chill was not biting, and for once they had some privacy from the sailors.
“Can I ask you something?” Grace began. Maggie and Anna glanced at each other with knowing smiles. They suspected that something was happening between Grace and Luis, and had been waiting for the young girl to bring it up. They nodded. “How did you know things were going to last between you and the men you ended up with?”
“You wanna go first?” Anna offered. Maggie shrugged and sipped from her drink before she began to speak.
“The truth is that I didn't. I've never believed in all that talk about soulmates and true love and destiny. I figure that there are so many people in the world the best you can hope for is to find someone who wants the same things as you and who wants to make you happy. That's what love is, really, wanting to make someone happy more than you want to make yourself happy. Anyway, it didn't happen overnight for the two of us. I was busy with work, and he was busy with his studies. Still, that being the case, he apparently saw something in me that he really liked because he kept on coming back, and eventually he asked me out.
“At first I just thought it was fun to date. Most of the guys I knew from the academy were all the same, and I didn't want to date anyone in the workplace. So, it was nice to have someone different, and at first, he said he was fine with the demands of the job. We saw each other when we could, and then it became more serious. I don't know if there was a single moment where I can tell you that it became something more, we just fell into it, I suppose. Both of us were happy with what we were doing and where we were going with our relationship. Then we got married and had Tristan, and I got a promotion at work, and that's when the problems started.”
“But you two still loved each other?” Grace asked.
“Oh, of course, but other things take their toll on love. That's another thing I think is total bullshit, the saying that love conquers all. It doesn't. There are circumstances and mistakes people make that can conquer love. I know I wasn't the best wife or mother, and I paid the price for that, but I don't think we ever really stopped loving each other. I think we just lost the ability to work out our problems. We became two separate people again instead of a couple. It's sad, and I wish I had done things differently. Yet, what some people don't seem to understand, and I blame movies for this by the way, is that the relationship doesn't just take care of itself after you say you love each other. You have to work at it. Love isn't magic, and it's not going to fix all of your problems.”
“She's right,” Anna said, “but that's not necessarily a bad thing either. Having one of those really difficult conversations with someone brings you closer together, and actually strengthens the love you have. Although sometimes it also will show you that you really have a different way of thinking, and don't want the same thing at all. For Mack and me, things went pretty quickly. I had had a few serious boyfriends, but none of them worked out, and none of them felt quite right. Until I met Mack, and after just our first date I was sure he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”
“Wow, that quick?” Maggie said in amazement.
“Oh yeah, it was a hell of a date,” Anna replied with a knowing smile, “but I wouldn't say I fell in love with him at that point. I just knew he was the kind of man I wanted to be with. He was mature and confident, and he wasn't afraid to talk about things that made him look vulnerable, which was a godsend considering he was in the army. And over the years it was not easy. He was on deployment, and we had to work to stay close through video calls, and because of the nature of his work he had to keep secrets from me. That was difficult as well because honesty is one of the most important qualities for me.
“Yet, we both knew we had something worth fighting for, so we kept at it, and it worked out. Well, we didn't exactly plan for this, but otherwise it worked out just fine. But it's not like Mack was my first boyfriend. I learned over life that relationships are there to be learned from. When you have one that doesn't work out, you can look to it and see the reasons why it ended, and know that it's not something you want from a relationship. Like, if I hadn't been able to handle the long distance between Mack and me, then I would have made sure not to get involved in something like that in any future relationship. Like Maggie said, love isn’t a guarantee, despite what we're constantly told and everywhere else we look. And relationships are there to help you discover what it is you want and need to make you happy. What is it you want?”
It had taken a moment for Grace to realize Anna actually was asking her a question. She tapped her lower lip while she thought about an answer. “Well, I guess I want someone who isn't going to start a huge fight,” she chuckled, but then turned more serious, “and I want someone who isn't going to get jealous, and I want someone who is going to be okay with me doing what I want, even if it means I might be putting myself in danger.”
“Is that the problem between you and Luis?” Maggie asked.
Grace nodded. “He'd rather I stayed here where it's safe than go out on patrol. I don't mind that he's worried about my safety, but it's like he'd rather me sit and do nothing while everyone else goes out there and puts their lives on the line, and all I'd do is sit here. I don't want that. You've worked with him, I'm sure he's mentioned this to you,” she said, directed at Maggie, who looked down at her coffee. “I guess what I really want right now is just to get out of New Haven and clear my head.”
“It'll be okay between you two,” Maggie said. “You're still learning who you are and what it's like to be in a relationship with each other. As long as you're honest with yourself and each other you'll be okay. I'm sorry for changing the subject, but I wanted to ask you about Tristan. I haven't really had a chance to talk with you about it since you got back. Was he okay?”
“Oh yeah, he was fine. I mean, Tristan is Tristan, so he was a little lost in his own thoughts, but he did well. He didn't make any mistakes, and he was super excited when he saw the ship come in. I tried to talk him out of staying there because I knew you'd be worried, but he insisted and I didn't really have the heart to say no, not with all he's been through.”
“No, it's good, he always did like ships,” Maggie said with a wistful smile.
“Speaking of that, I need to go talk to Mack about something. Thank you for the talk, it's been really helpful.”
“We're happy to help,” Anna said, and watched Grace leave before turning back to Magg
ie.
“So, what's it like to have a child in this world? I know Tristan is almost grown up, but can you try to give me some sense of it?”
“It's not easy, I'll tell you that. Even before all this happened I was worried about him all the time, and now that's increased. It's been hard to see the effect the world has had on him. All you want to do is protect him all the time and make sure nothing bad happens, but this world doesn't let that happen. They're going through a harder life than we ever did growing up. I look at him now and the things that have happened have taken such a toll on him. I try to do my best, but I am worried about what he'll be like in the future. Why do you ask? You and Mack thinking about it?”
“He wants one,” Anna said, with an unsure look on her face, “and the plan was that we were going to start a family once he got back home, but I look at this world and I just don't know if it's the right environment for a child.”
Maggie shrugged. “I don't think there ever is the perfect time to have a kid, you just have to do the best you can and hope that you can give it enough love so that it's safe and sound.”
Grace felt better after talking to Maggie and Anna, although she hadn't come to any conclusions about her feelings for Luis. She didn't want to hold onto something that wasn't working out, but she didn't want to just run away from her problems either. But she did need to get away from New Haven for a little bit to collect herself and give herself and Luis some space, which she thought would be good for the both of them. She went to Mack, who was walking back from his office, and told him she wanted to go back to the docks.
“They've had plenty of time on the ship, and I think we should go to pick them back up. I'll take Saul and a few others.”
“You should take a few of my crew as well, to help you get on the ship,” Flint said.
His presence had taken Mack and Grace by surprise as they hadn't known he was near. Grace agreed, and with that Flint was gone again, disappearing into the shadows. As he left Hank came up to them, looking haggard.
“We have a problem,” he said.
Chapter Six
Mack looked around. Flint had an unerring capacity to sneak up on him without any warning, and from the look on Hank's face Mack knew the problem he referred to was something serious. Without hesitation Grace headed off to gather what was needed to bring back the rest of the patrol left on the ship, while the two men were left to talk.
“Come into my office,” Mack said, and walked back.
There were some days when the work never ended, but it was important. Mack knew Hank wouldn't have come to him with such an ominous warning if he hadn't been sure something was truly the matter. When they were safely alone with the door closed behind them, the two men sat down. Then Hank told Mack all about Oliver and what he had said.
“The kid was in a bad way, Mack. It had taken him forever just to open up to me. I don't know what the other sailors have said to him, but they've put the fear of God into him. He's acting like his life is over. He's convinced he's going to hell, and I don't seem to be able to say anything to persuade him otherwise. You ever seen a soul that's lost? It's the saddest thing in the world. He wouldn't listen to anything I said. I tried to get him to tell me what he actually meant by the secret, but he's so scared of what might happen that he wouldn't tell me anything. He just descended into babbling, and kept saying nobody ever could know.”
“Do you have any idea what the secret could be?”
“No idea at all, but it has to be something big to drive him to seem that hopeless. I've had a bad feeling about these sailors, and now I'm worried they're not who they say they are.”
“I feel the same way,” Mack said, turning his thoughts to the encounters he had had with the sailors. He hadn't wanted to think the worst of them, but perhaps that was a mistake on his part. He wanted to trust them, and look for the best in people, but had that made him overlook suspicious behavior? “We need to know who we've let into New Haven. If they do have a secret, we must find out what it is, especially because we have people out there on that ship.”
“You don't think they're in danger?”
“I don't know, but Grace is putting together a patrol right now. Funny, when Flint overheard us speaking he insisted she take some of his men with her. We should try to grab her before she leaves to warn her.”
“Has Flint said anything to you?”
“No, nothing that has made be suspicious. Although, now that I think about it, he has mentioned things only in vague terms. He keeps talking about something they had done to survive, but never has told me what it was. Perhaps that has something to do with it. It might explain why the other sailors are so willing to fight as well. But we must find out the truth. We'll have to speak with Oliver again, and try encouraging him to tell us what happened.”
“It's not going to be easy,” Hank said.
“I know, these things never are.”
The two men left Mack's office in a hurry. They asked others if they had seen Grace or knew of her whereabouts, but she had been in such a hurry to leave that she already was gone. Mack blanched in frustration. He would have to hope they were mistaken, and that the sailors didn't pose a threat, even though he was confident in Grace's ability to take care of herself as well. Mack and Hank turned away, then walked through the settlement to try finding Oliver, while also trying to keep their search for him hidden. If he was hiding something, then Mack and Hank didn't want the other sailors to learn that they were looking for him, for they did not want Oliver to be in danger. As they moved through the settlement, they watched the sailors carefully, wondering if they had let a parasite into the settlement. Mack hated the idea that he had made New Haven vulnerable by letting other people in, but he didn't want to have to rethink his policy on making New Haven a place for everyone to come and stay.
Eventually, they found Oliver by himself, hiding away in one of the buildings. There was nobody else around, and it had taken Mack and Hank a good amount of time to find him. When Oliver heard their presence, he looked frightened and tried to turn away, but there was nowhere to go. The two men approached him. He was standing in dim light, and it wasn't until they drew closer that they saw the bruises on his face. His left eye was swollen, and there were cuts on his lips. Hank and Mack looked at each other worriedly. His eyes once again fell to the floor, and when Hank and Mack tried speaking to him, he wouldn't reply at all.
“It's going to be okay, son. We're here to help. I'd like to talk more about what we talked about last time. You remember? You're safe here,” Hank said, even though the evidence suggested the contrary.
His soothing words were not enough to tempt the truth out of Oliver, though. The young man clearly was broken, and whatever secret he held was powerful, and must have proven a threat to the sailors. Mack burned with rage inside, not only at the sailors, but at himself, too. He should have seen there was something suspicious about them, and should have come down on them more harshly when they didn't adhere to New Haven's rules. Now this young man had been beaten severely. Mack knew the way these things tended to go. If things continued, this wouldn't be the end of the injuries. He pulled Hank aside and stood near Oliver.
“I don't know if you know me, but I'm the leader of New Haven. I was the one who welcomed you and the other sailors here. I want to help you and give you a home, but I can't do that if they're going to pose a threat to New Haven. If you know something that we should know, then you have to tell us. But also, while you live in New Haven, your safety is important to me. I want everyone here to feel as though they belong and that they're safe, and if they are attacked then we must deal with it swiftly to make sure it doesn't happen again. If you tell me what happened, we can help you,” Mack said.
Oliver swallowed, and this seemed to cause him pain. Then he glanced up at Mack for an instant before his head hung down again. Mack shot a glance at Hank, communicating his understanding that Oliver was broken, which was sad to see happen to someone so young. Unfortunately, Mack had
seen a lot of young men and women in a similar condition as a result of serving in war zones. But this was something else. This was due to a bully, and if there was one thing Mack hated above all else, it was bullies.
“I fell,” Oliver said meekly.
“You fell,” Mack said.
“I've always been clumsy,” Oliver replied, his voice as small as a mouse's squeak.
Mack and Hank looked at each other again. They knew they weren't going to make any progress here. Mack could have interrogated Oliver to get to the truth, but it would have taken more time than they had the luxury of, and he preferred not to put Oliver through more torture. He jerked his head to the side, indicating to Hank to move away from Oliver.
“He's lying,” Hank said, which was plainly obvious, “But I don't get why?”
“Because he's protecting his crew,” Mack said grimly.
That was the only explanation that made sense. The sense of brotherhood among a crew of sailors was strong. Especially when they had been through an experience such as Flint's men had, and Oliver's guilty conscious was conflicted between doing the right thing in telling the truth, and betraying his men. Undoubtedly, Flint and the others would have drummed into him the need for loyalty above everything else. Mack knew he would have to go to the source if he was to learn exactly what happened, and how much danger Flint and the other sailors posed.
“Stay with him,” Mack said as he stormed off and went to confront Flint.
Although there still was much speculation, it was clear Oliver had been beaten by Flint’s men. Even if Flint didn't have a hand in it, he still was responsible for the actions of his men, and it was a dereliction of duty to let things get to that state. In some ways, he hoped Flint was unaware of what was going on, because Mack had grown quite close to the man. In Flint, he saw something of a reflection of himself, a strong leader who had done everything he could to lead the people he cared about to safety. Flint was a strong-minded man with hopes and dreams and ideas for the future as well. Mack had enjoyed speaking with someone who had some experience with authority and working within a chain of command, and both men had envied what the other had. Mack had welcomed the idea of Flint and his men sticking around, of having more strong people able to defend the settlement, and of having a friend with whom he could talk about strategy, war, and reminisce about the world that went before.
