She gives me a warm smile and nod, so I take one breath to try to calm myself then another one in tempo so we can play together. The oh-so-familiar music catches me in its spell, and to my surprise I find myself not caring if I've messed up the audition. I hardly ever get to play with a live piano, and this pianist is amazing and I'm having a great time with the way the musical lines bounce back and forth between us. I don't improvise, because I don't need to, but I pick up some of her little nuances of style and she picks up mine and I love it.
I get nearly to the end of the third movement, far further than I'd have expected, before Nora cuts me off and says, "Thank you, Corinne. We'll be in touch later today either way."
I nod and smile, then turn back to the accompanist and mouth, "Thank you."
She smiles, then says aloud, "I enjoyed that."
"Me too," I say, surprised but pleased, then leave the room thinking about how last year's performance was technically better but nowhere near as much fun.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Austin unlocks the apartment door and holds it open for me and Jenna. As he closes it behind us, he says, "That was a great idea. Nice relaxing afternoon and evening. For you too, I hope."
I nod. Last year I came home from the audition, to the apartment I shared with Clay, and worked until I was exhausted rehearsing the Weber over and over so I'd be perfect if I got the chance to do the second-day audition. This year, not wanting to do that again because it did nothing but stress me out, I arranged for us to spend the afternoon with my mom and then have dinner and watch a movie at Melissa and Nicholas's place.
I only thought about the audition once, when my cell phone rang, and then I got the pleasure of telling my mom and Austin that I had indeed made it into the next round and receiving their congratulations. For the rest of the time, I just enjoyed the company of my mom and my boyfriend and our good friends. Melissa and Nolan have developed a little game, played only by the two of them, involving her bouncing one of Rover's catnip-stuffed plush toys gently off Nolan's knee while he screams with laughter, and I loved watching them play and knowing that Melissa is growing more comfortable with her son. "Bed time now, though," I say as I get Jenna out of the carrier. "Another big day tomorrow."
He leans in and kisses me. "You'll ace it. Just like today."
"Let's hope I don't make stuff up again."
He winks at me and says, "Better than stopping," in his best impression of my best impression of that auditioner. It loses something in the multiple translations but I know what he means and it makes me smile.
I'm not smiling three hours later. Austin is sleeping quietly on my right and Jenna on my left, but in between is apparently a no-sleep zone because I'm wide awake.
Everything's so different now, but I'm also back where I was before, and I don't know how to cope with it. Tomorrow is the audition in which I failed. It terrifies me, being back there.
I roll over yet again, then decide this isn't worth the effort. Might as well be out of bed.
As I start to get up, though, Austin turns over and blinks at me. "Can't sleep?"
I shake my head. "I'm heading out, though, so I won't bug you."
"You never bug me," he says, reaching out and taking my hand. "Except when you leave your crochet hooks in the couch and they nearly impale me. Want to come cuddle for a bit?"
In answer, I sink back down and burrow into his chest. He wraps his arms around me and holds me close, and we lie together for a while in silence.
I'm not feeling any sleepier, but it does feel good to be in his embrace. Eventually, though, I start to feel guilty so I say, "I should let you sleep but this feels too nice."
He kisses the top of my head. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Will you marry me?"
The breath freezes in my lungs. I can't have heard that right.
I pull back enough so I can see his face, and when I see him I know. He did say it.
And I think he might have meant it. He looks surprised, although nowhere near as surprised as I feel, but also serious and focused.
"Austin?" I say, because I can't think of anything else.
He touches my cheek. "Well? Will you?"
My heart's pounding so hard it might break through my ribs. "Are you sure?" Does he really mean it, or is this just a whim?
"Are you asking if I accidentally proposed?" His eyes widen at the word, filling with shock as he stares at me. "I proposed. Yeah, I did. Wow."
This doesn't exactly fill me with confidence. "I won't hold you to it," I say, though it hurts. "I know you love me and you were trying to make me feel better and it just came out. It's okay."
"It did just come out," he says. "I was actually going to ask if you'd like some warm milk."
I laugh despite myself. "I would, but that's not really the same thing."
"I know." He kisses my forehead, then gets out of bed and leaves the room.
I expect him to be back shortly with milk, but instead I hear him quietly call my name.
I leave the bedroom but nearly trip over my feet at the sight of him in the hall.
Down on one knee.
I stand, my heart pounding again, as he holds up a small black box.
"I didn't mean to say it right then," he says, his eyes intense in the dim light of the apartment. "But I did mean to say it. I love you, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life." He opens the box to reveal a beautiful diamond solitaire ring on what I can see is a platinum band. Exactly the ring I'd have picked myself. "Corinne, will you marry me?"
I stare at the ring, then look up at him. "You bought this?"
"They don't just hand them out."
I frown, trying to find the words to ask what I need to know.
"Yeah, I bought it." He stands up, then reaches out with the hand not holding the box and smoothes his hand over my hair. "I bought it," he says softly, "the day after you realized you loved me. Because I realized that night, when you fell asleep in my arms, that I didn't ever want to be without you. I've had it hidden in my briefcase since then, waiting for the right time, and this is probably not the right time since you need to focus on tomorrow, but I haven't even once questioned whether I wanted to give it to you."
"But... what about Jenna?" I say, because even though I desperately want to say yes I have to know whether he's really thought this through. Jenna and I are a package deal.
"If you wanted to take my last name she could too, but if not you guys can be Kostopoulos or we could all be Kostopoulos-Davis if you like that. And if you'd let me, I want to adopt her. I love her, you know, and I love being her daddy. I talked to two different lawyer buddies of mine to make sure I got the right story of how it'd work, and they both said it'd be easy because there's no father with parental rights. After we got married, it'd just be a matter of you and me filing paperwork with the court and then waiting for—"
"Yes."
He cuts himself off. "Yes?"
My eyes filling with happy tears, I say, "Yes. Yes, I will marry you. And you can adopt Jenna and we'll all be the Davis family. Yes, to everything."
He stares at me for a moment, looking as shocked as I felt when he first proposed, then moves in and kisses me hard before pulling away and saying, "Really?"
"Yes, really."
He pulls the ring from its box and says, "One more time, really?"
I hold out my left hand, grinning so hard my face hurts. "Yes. I love you. Give me the ring already."
He laughs. "I love you too," he says, sliding the band gently onto my ring finger. It settles into place, exactly the right size.
"I love it," I say, admiring it on my hand. "Almost as much as I love you. And it fits. How'd you manage that?"
"I went through your jewelry box and figured out how far down my finger your emerald ring would go," he says, grinning with pride, "then I made sure this one went down exactly as far. I wanted everything to be perfect."
"Then you proposed like you were asking me if I wanted milk."
But also the one who plans ahead to buy the perfect ring and intends to keep it for the right moment, and asks two lawyers about adoption so he'll be sure he's ready for what's ahead. "You're the best Austin, on every level."
"Because of you," he says, pulling me close. "I love you."
"I love you too," I say as his mouth nears mine, then there's no more talking as we stumble together to the couch and make love for the first time as an engaged couple.
Chapter Thirty-Six
"Today," Nora says, smiling at me and the other two finalists, "you will each play one full movement of the Weber concerto. I will draw a movement for you from the hat right before your turn, and you will play the chosen movement for me and the rest of the committee. Afterwards we'll spend a few minutes in conference and then we'll make the announcement. Any questions?"
The three of us shake our heads. I don't know about the others, neither of whom I'd met before yesterday, but I have no questions because this is exactly how the last audition went. Everything feels the same: the same music, the same stage, the same auditioners looking at us with matching blank expressions, and the sick nervous feeling in my stomach that feels the same but strangely even more intense than last year.
One thing is different, though: this time I'm wearing Austin's ring.
He told me this morning as I got ready that he wouldn't be offended if I left it at home because I'm not used to playing clarinet with it. I don't want it off my hand even for a second, but he's right so I told him I'd wear it as I warmed up and would put it on my necklace, the beautiful one he bought me on the cruise, if it didn't feel right.
Nora releases us each to a private practice room for fifteen minutes of warmup time, and I put together the clarinet and begin to play, taking special notice of the ring and how it feels.
It feels amazing.
I am conscious of it, a little, as I play, but it's not a distraction. It feels right, no question. It feels like my future.
When that thought crosses my mind, I stop playing like I've forgotten how.
It is my future.
And this orchestra?
It's my past.
The whole audition thing feels so wrong. It has since I left the apartment this morning, left Austin holding Jenna and smiling encouragingly at me, and now that I think about it it's felt wrong from the moment I decided to go after it.
I wanted the orchestra so badly, for so many years. I gave up countless outings and parties and relaxing moments. I worked until the music itself had no meaning to me, and then I worked some more. And all because back when I was ten I thought it would impress my dad. It did become my own goal, of course, but at the beginning it was all about Dad.
That's why it had to be this orchestra, I realize, why I was never able to go for the logical plan of trying other orchestras. If I'd become a member of another one, I'd have had ninety-nine percent of my goal. But I refused all the way along, and even got angry when it was suggested, because it was the other one percent I really needed. Getting into this orchestra, I'd believed on some level, would make Dad think better of me.
But I know now that it wouldn't have. He chose to leave and it was nothing to do with me or Galen or even Mom. He made his decision and I could never have done anything to change it. That moment back when I was ten, the moment at the Philharmonic concert that changed my life, never mattered to him the way it mattered to me. I am, and always have been, free to make my own life my own way without worrying about him. Because he's sure not worrying about me.
So, the big question: what do I want from music?
I love playing my clarinet when I do it with freedom and happiness and artistic license, like how I play with Austin and his friends. But that's not remotely what I'll get in the orchestra. If I let go of this dream now, truly let it go instead of just running from my confusion and pain like I did last time, I'll get to go back to the improv group and have fun, and suddenly that's all I want.
I remember Austin staring at me after he proposed, the shock in his eyes at what he'd said, and I say quietly out loud, "I do not want to be in this orchestra." I feel that same shock, but I also feel the certainty I know he felt too.
I don't want this. Not any more. I want a life that's broad and full of amazing things rather than the one I thought I wanted, focused entirely on the orchestra.
I start packing up the clarinet, and fear hits me. What will people think? So many people know I'm auditioning again. Travis, Mom, all my relatives, and Galen and Arabella, who Mom told me yesterday are back together and blissfully happy. What will I tell them?
Last time I gave up all of my friends because I couldn't cope with seeing them and knowing they were still part of the world in which I'd failed. Do I only want to leave now because I'm afraid to be a failure again?
I sit with this question for a second, the half-assembled clarinet on my lap, then realize it's the wrong question. It's the wrong one because I never was a failure. I worked so hard, harder than I'd ever thought I could, and yes, I did fail. But that didn't make me a failure. How I handled failing did. I ran away instead of facing what I felt deep inside, and that wasn't the right way. Of course.
The real question is, how do I want to live my life? Afraid of what people will think or doing what lights me up inside?
I don't need to sit with that question for more than a second before I put the clarinet completely away and walk out of the audition hall. With every step I feel more sure about what I'm doing, and when I get back to the main room I'm grinning.
"Done warming up already?"
I shake my head at Nora. "May I speak with you a moment?"
"Of course," she says, and leads me out to the hall.
Once we get there, I take a second to ask myself if I am really making the right decision. I had so many plans...
But they were wrong for me. They were. I know it now. "Nora, I've decided to withdraw from the competition."
She stares at me. "Why on earth?"
"Because," I say, smiling as I realize how right this feels, "it's not what I want any more."
She blinks twice, then shakes her head. "You sure? You're the front-runner."
I would have thought that would shock and upset me, but it doesn't even register. It doesn't matter if you're the front-runner if you've lost all interest in the race.
"I'm sure. Good luck finding the perfect person."
She mumbles something that sounds like, "Craziness," but I don't bother answering.
Out on the street in the crisp December air, I stand holding my clarinet case in one hand and the bag containing my audition-planning book in the other, then tuck the clarinet which I've so loved playing with Austin and his friends under one arm and haul out that book. So much effort put into planning what I thought was my perfect life, and all I really needed to do was see what lights me up and fills me with passion.
The clarinet does.
The orchestra does not.
I balance the book on the edge of the garbage can's opening, then laugh as I shove it in. It's gone. I've never felt so free.
I start toward the subway station, and as I walk I grab my phone and call Austin. "You okay?" he says, fear and love in his voice. "Have you auditioned already?"
"What would you say if I told you I've decided not to? Decided I don't want to be in the orchestra any more?"
There's a silence, but it doesn't scare me. I know I don't need his approval to make this the right decision.
"I would say," he says at last, "that you are beautiful and I love you and you're very brave."
"I'm also outside," I say, smiling with pure joy. "I left. I'm not a failure, Austin. And I never was."
He laughs. "I never once thought you were. But I'm so glad to hear you say that."
"I'm coming home. I'll take over Jenna and then you can go into work, I guess. A bit late, but..."
&n
bsp; A thought strikes me. I want to marry him. Today. The end of my orchestral goal and the start of our marriage on the same day. It's ridiculous, but I love the idea.
"Yeah, I could go in," he says slowly. "If that's what you want."
"What do you want?" Could he by some crazy coincidence be thinking the same thing?
"I... no, you wouldn't want it that way," he says. "But I would like to stay with you instead of going to work. If that's okay."
I take a deep breath. "Austin, would you marry me today?"
He's silent a moment, then says, "I love you. Yes. If you want it that way, I'm all over it."
"Is that what you were thinking?"
He chuckles. "Yeah. I thought it would be cool. Insane and unplanned, but cool. You know me too well."
"Exactly as well as I should," I say, grinning, but then the thought of the logistics sweeps over me. "Is it actually possible? I want to, but can we?"
"Raymond at work put his wedding together in two days. I bet we can. Not at a church though. Are you okay with city hall like Raymond did?"
Luckily I've never had dreams of a fairy-tale wedding. "As long as you're there, yup."
"Not a chance I'm letting you marry someone else," he says, and I can hear the grin in his voice. "I've already seen you today, though, which I believe is against tradition."
"So is an engagement of less than a day and a bride carrying a baby down the aisle. Who cares?"
He laughs. "Miss Corinne, soon to be Mrs. Corinne, I couldn't agree more. How about this? You come home and take over the peach, and I will talk to Raymond and find out how to get everything arranged. I promise I'll make it work. Deal?"
I laugh too, so happy I can't help it. My formerly flighty fiancé is going to plan our wedding, and my formerly planning-obsessed self is actually willing and able to let him. "Deal."
Acknowledgements
My years as a clarinet player (which continue now, when I'm not playing drums) have given me the pleasure of learning and performing some gorgeous music but when I had to pick pieces for Corinne the Clarinet Concerto No. 1, Op. 73 by Carl Maria von Weber (pronounced 'Veber') and the Clarinet Concerto in A Major, K. 622 by Mozart were the first to come to mind, and for good reason. Well worth your time for a listen!
Plan Overboard (Toronto Series #14) Page 25
