The Butterfly Box_A SASS Anthology

by Anthology

  While still standing with my back to him, I bring my hands behind my head to grab a hood. Shit! I’m not wearing a hood because those two I own are in the laundry basket. Double shit! I guess this the moment when I turn around and face reality. I take a deep breath and spin on my heel slowly.

  “I didn’t know you were running.” His eyes move to the part of me I was hiding pretty well until now. I watch him. I watch his eyes linger on my scars for a tad too long, then his eyes move to my eyes. Those coal black, eyes looking straight into my petrified soul.

  I shrug. “I just started…again.” He nods and drags his teeth over his bottom lip.

  “That’s why you hide it?” His eyes flick to my face again.

  Do I want to go there? Do I want to talk about things it took me months to talk about with my shrink? I look at him for a moment and take in his narrowed eyes and this familiar dip in his cheek then I move past him without a word and start running. I run as fast as I can. I run till my legs are aching and my lungs are on fire. I run. I run from my past. I run from the stupid little girl I was. I run from him. I run from his questions. I run.

  WHEN I COME back from the shower there is a blinking light on my phone lying on the desk. I walk over and pick it up. There is a text message from Biggest Douchebag. I furrow my brows and open it.

  I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to invade your personal space.

  You should wear your hair up all the time.

  Of course, Sam would put his phone number on my phone but how the hell did he get my number, and what is that supposed to mean? He’s sorry? For asking a question that I’ve heard over a million times? You should wear you hair up. Yeah. I guess that is the best advice I got in my whole life.

  Don’t worry about it, you’re not the first and I’m sure, not the last to ask that.

  How did you get my number?

  No, that’s a stupid question. No doubt he got it from the same, brilliant person that gave me his.

  I waited a few minutes, looking down at my phone but nothing else came. Ok. Fine with me.

  I throw on my freshly washed hoodie, grab my computer and start working on my paper.

  There is a knock on the door and my fingers stop mid air over the computer keyboard. I look at the time, 9:37 p.m. Sam is out and even if she did come back that early she wouldn’t knock. I don’t have friends close enough to just stop by my dorm room and chitchat. I slide my legs from my bed and tiptoe towards the door. Another knock, a little bit more eager this time. I open the door and the one and only is standing on the other side of it.

  “Is everything ok?” He asks and walks into the room, not waiting for me to invite him. “Where is Sam?”

  Shit, shit, shit.

  “I saw the lights and I tried to call her but she doesn’t pick up her phone. Aren’t you guys supposed to be at Reiki?”

  Ah, that’s the name of the new place.

  “Uhh…” I try to search for something, anything, to save my roommate's ass, but it seems that my brain stopped functioning the second he walked into my room.

  “That little shit lied to me again, didn’t she?” He runs his hands through his hair making it even sexier. I take a quick look at him. From his gray V-neck shirt clinging to the rock solid body, his distressed jeans that sit perfectly on his waist, to his well-worn black Converse. And then back to his handsome face. His perfectly shaped jaw is moving as he grinds his teeth. “Do you know who she went with?”

  I shake my head no and for some reason, I feel like I’ve been caught in the biggest lie of the century. “Maybe you should leave her alone and let her choose who she wants to go out with.” I walk back to my bed and pull my hair tie down, releasing my hair and let it flow over my face. I sit on the edge of the bed and start to organize the scattered papers, putting them next to my laptop.

  He smirks, leaning over the closed door. “Trust me, she doesn’t have any sense of intuition when it comes to choosing guys.”

  “And you do?” I smirk while trying to look everywhere but at him.

  “I know most of them so yeah, I know who is good and who is bad for my little sister.”

  “Overprotective aren’t we?”

  “You can say that.” I can feel his eyes on me all the time and that makes me more than nervous.

  “I will let her know you were looking for her when she get’s back.” I don’t see why he needs to stay here any longer. He pushes off the door and walks towards me, it took him four steps to reach me. Yes, I counted.

  “You studying. On Friday night.” He states; like this is the most ridiculous thing he ever saw. “You know there are probably ten parties going on around campus.”

  I shrug. “That’s not my thing.”

  “I can see that.” His right hand is reaching for my face and I freeze. What is he doing? He brushes my hair behind my ear so slowly and so gently that my breath stops somewhere in the middle of my chest. “You should really wear your hair up.” When I raise my eyes to him I can see him studying me, drilling holes in my eyes. But I can feel the drill, the shattering drill, all over my body, not only my eyes.

  “You should probably go to one of those ten parties.” I reach behind my ear and free my hair again. Letting it cover me once again. That’s my shield. That’s what makes me feel safe, and him standing in front of me, unraveling something that I’d rather keep hidden, makes my head spin in confusion.

  I watch him walking backward to the door and just before he opens it he turns around, looking at me once again. “Tell that little liar to call me when she gets back.” He doesn’t even wait for my answer. He shuts the door and leaves like nothing major has just happened.

  I swore I would never let any guy touch me, ever again. I swore that I would never look at any guy like that, ever again. But the more he’s around, the more I want to look at him. The more he’s around, the more I think that maybe it’s time to let go of my fear and start living. Again.

  I touch my hair like he just did and savor the moment for a little bit. I can’t say that it wasn’t nice. Confusing? Yes. But nice for sure. What I don’t understand is why he is looking at me with those intense eyes, every time we see each other. I know he is one of those playboy college boys, I know he hooks up with a different girl every week, maybe even every day, who knows. And yet, he is acting all strange when he’s near me.

  I grab the papers and start to work on my project again but it seems pointless. My mind is drifting everywhere but chemistry. I thought coming here, to college would be a great start to my new life. An easy start. But I’m not so sure of it anymore. I have a perfect plan. One that is mapped out for the next ten years. A plan that doesn’t include Ryan, or seeing Jimmy, ever again. I guess life has a weird way of throwing rocks in my way. I just hope that I will be strong enough to push those rocks away.

  “YOU SAID YOU broke up with Jimmy after the accident. What was the reason?”

  Payton’s chest rises as she fills her lungs with air.

  “It just didn’t feel right anymore.” She shrugs her already sagging shoulders, her eyes looking sad.

  “Why?” Laura is more than persistent in her questions about Jimmy lately because she has a gut feeling that there is more to Jimmy than Payton would like to share. And Laura is one of those people that will drill and drill till she gets it right.

  “We grew apart I guess.”

  Laura makes herself more comfortable on the large sofa and thinks carefully before she asks her next question.

  “Did he do something Payton? Something that upset you?”

  “No.” The answer came too quickly and even Payton realized that because her eyes met Laura’s right away.

  Laura takes a deep breath that can be heard clearly in the small, quiet room.

  “Ok, the way I see it, something happened that night of the accident, or the night before and that something upset you so much you weren’t thinking straight. Am I right?”

  There is no denial or admission from the other side so she keeps go
ing “ did he do something to you? Something you might be ashamed of and maybe scared to share?”

  “No, he did nothing.” Once again, the answer was too quick and way too strong.

  “DON’T WORRY ABOUT him, he can be a little…intense sometimes, but he will be over it in no time. I’m sure he already is.” Sam is trying on her fourth dress in front of the mirror. “What do you think? Is this one slutty enough?” She brushes her hands along the red tube dress that shows way too much in my opinion.

  “Did you find a job in a strip club?” I shake my head at her choice of clothes for another date with the same guy she was out with yesterday. “So far so good Sam, if you’re still seeing that guy it means your brother doesn’t know about him.” I jump on the bed and open my laptop.

  “The cherry will be popped today.” I can see her proud smile in the mirror.

  “What? You sure it’s not too early for that? I mean you’ve been seeing this guy for what? Two weeks?” I honestly don’t understand why she thinks she needs to rush into things.

  “No silly.” She laughs. “Ryan will find out today as I’m sure he will be at the Omegas’ party.”

  Yeah. Ok. My bad.

  “That could be interesting.” I open my emails and scroll through them, deleting all the spam from each website I ever visited.

  “Tell me about it.” She rolls her eyes and then turns to me abruptly.

  “You have to come. As a buffer.”

  “A what?” I know what she means but I don’t see how my presence will help things go more smoothly.

  “He doesn’t know you, so he won’t flip out in front of you if you tag along with us.” I meant to say something, anything, like for example, the fact that I sort of do know him; or the fact that I don’t have any interest in going to a frat party. Ever again. But she already grabbed one of my dresses from the closet and before I know the dress is lying next to me on my bed.

  “I’m not going Sam, sorry. I will be praying for you, though.” I probably won’t but maybe that will make her feel better.

  “No, you are going and that is the most brilliant idea I have had in awhile.”

  “Your last idea of sneaking out with Mr. Hottie didn’t work out so well.” I crack a smile and keep scrolling over my 1K emails. Yes, I don’t like to check my inbox. And yes, then I have to spend tons of time deleting stuff.

  “That one didn’t, but tonight will. He never confronts me or any of the boys in front of people and I will make sure that Ty is always next to me, so I don’t give Ryan a chance to talk to him alone.” She kicks God knows which pair of shoes off her feet. “Come on, he will be here in like ten minutes.”

  “I’m not going Sam, I’m sorry.” I have no intentions of getting up and putting some stupid dress on to be a buffer between my horny roommate and her brother.

  She sighs and walks towards me.” Ok, listen, Payton, I really, really like this guy and I know he likes me too. I really want this thing to work. And it’s not like we just met.” She stops for a second “We were together in the first year, not for long,” she shrugs “ thanks to my stupid ass brother, but there was something.” She picks up the dress and holds it out to me. “Please. I will owe you forever.”

  I hate this. I don’t want to be an ass roommate, or an ass friend and say no, but she doesn’t understand, and I don’t expect her to because I have never said or explained anything. She never asked me, and even if she did ask, I would probably avoid the conversation.

  “I don’t go to parties, Sam.” I hear my own weak voice and I know myself well enough to realise I’m probably going to cave in any second now.

  “Just this once.” She bats her fake eyelashes at me and pulls this gorgeous smile of hers, biting on her bottom lip. Moves that her brother can pull off so much better.

  I rub my face with my palms and try to calm down the voice in my head. Don’t go! Look what happened after the last party you went to! And there is that voice of hope, that faint, shaky voice trying to break through, ‘ it will be ok, you are in a different place now, with different people’.

  “There is no chance in hell that I will wear that dress.” I roll off my bed and head for the closet. I pick a pair of skinny white jeans and one of the loose tops.

  “You will look like a nun.”

  “You want me to go or not?” I turn around and face her.

  “Wear whatever you want.” She holds her hand up in surrender. “I’m just saying.”

  There is knock on the door as I pull the top over my head.

  Here we go.

  Live or die.

  I will probably regret this.

  THE SOUND OF loud music hits my ears the moment we get out of Tyler’s car. I feel anxious, and I have to chant in my head over and over that everything will be all right. I try to convince myself that none of this looks like a blast from the past, that these are different people, and that Sam and Tyler will be next to me all the time. At least that’s what I’m hoping for.

  We get inside the house and there are more people than the place is meant to accommodate. I look around and I thank God that all lights are dimmed. At least I don’t have to worry about bringing my hair to my face every few minutes.

  “What do you want to drink?” Sam’s loud voice is in my ear.

  “Water?” I’m pretty sure there is no water in that place but I hope she will get the idea of what I want. She stays by my side while Ty is going towards the kitchen to grab whatever she asked him to grab.

  “Cool, right?” She leans over me again.

  I just nod and put my trembling hands in my front pockets.

  Nothing is cool about this. Drunk people everywhere. It doesn’t matter which direction I turn my head, I see the same thing. Girls on boy’s shoulders. Boys kissing those gorgeous girls. Boys and girls dancing together in the most intimate way.

  “Come on sweetheart, don’t tell me you don’t like this.”

  A shiver goes to my spine and I take a deep breath to calm it. I cannot go there right now. I will not have a freak out in front of these people.

  “You ok?” Sam’s voice is concerned.

  “Yeah, just a little cold.” She looks at me funny and I don’t blame her, this place is like a sauna with all the sweating bodies and hot breaths.

  “They don’t have water Payton, ginger ale?” Taylor comes out of nowhere.

  “Thanks” I grab the can and send him a smile. He is surprisingly nice. On the ride here I saw him touching Sam every chance he got but not in a possessive way, more of an ‘I want to touch you whenever I get the chance’ kind of way. And I saw how they look at each other. Tender. Loving. I have to turn my face towards the window a few times because it was too much.

  Not that I don’t want her to be happy. I do. God, I do want her super overprotective brother to leave her alone and let her make the choice. The one that she will ultimately, either praise or regret.

  It’s just the fact that I thought I had all of this. I thought that I had that love, that understanding, and then I was crushed like a bird without it’s wings. Head on. Face flat on the surface. Heartbroken. Emotions scattered all over.

  “Omg, there is Ryder.” Sam nods towards the corner of the room and I follow her gaze. There is Ryder in fact. Wrapped in the arms of a mermaid.

  Red hair-check.

  The gold dress that barely covers her ass - check.

  The only thing that is missing is the tail.

  I watch as she brushes her hands over his arms, up and down, like she probably did it a thousand times. His eyes on her, a tiny smile on his face, his expression unfamiliar to me. But then again, I never saw him with a girl before. I only saw him hug the microscope in a biology class.

  She says something and nibbles on his neck and he looks down at her and smiles.

  There is a tiny part of me that feels jealous. Why? I don’t know. But I know that feeling, I felt it more than I should when I was going out with Jimmy and he never cared about me having to watch him flirt with
other girls. ‘Baby, I’m just friendly, that’s all. It’s you and you only. Forever’.

  “Ok, he’s coming here. Payton, please do not go anywhere. Stay here. Please.”

  What? Is he coming here?

  “Hello, Pay.” I turn to meet those hypnotic eyes and I smile in return. “I thought you didn’t do parties.” This sounds more like a challenge than a question.

  “I don’t,” I snap.

  “Yet, here you are.” He shamelessly looks me up and down, stopping at my face. “You should wear your hair up.”

  I have nothing to say to that so I shuffle my feet and bring the can of bubbly soda to my lips.

  “Ty I see you’ve met my little sister.” There is a tone to this that I don’t know, never heard from him. It’s like he is challenging Ty and asking him to leave at the same time.

  “Just so we’re clear, I’m two minutes younger that you.” Sam sounds nervous. Her hand holding Ty’s biceps tightly.

  “Just so we’re clear, frat boys are someone you should not be hanging out with.”

  “Come on, easy, Ryder. We’re just here to have a good time.”

  “Yeah?” He is suddenly right at Ty’s face.

  “Yeah, so chill, alright?”

  Ryder turns to me and his intense gaze is more than I can handle.

  “What about you? You chilling out with them?” He steps closer and brushes my arm with his fingers. “Or you want to chill out with me?” everything froze in that moment. It took me a few sips of soda to recover from the quick heart beat and be able to answer.

  “Yeah, thanks, I’m good with them.” I finally manage to say. Everything in me screamed, ‘Go back to the dorm!’ Go back and put yourself out of this misery!

  I watched him standing in front of me for a long moment with his eyes on me, his tongue brushing over the lips I know too well. “Ok then, have fun.” He turned around on his heel and was heading back to the girl he was talking with before.