by Anthology
“That went well.” Sam is smiling next to me. “We will go to catch some air. See you in a few?” No. No. No. That was not our deal, I want to scream in her face but I know I would sound like a lunatic.
Instead, I say, “Sure.” And pray to God that I will survive.
I move toward the wall and lean against the wooden beams as I watch the whole college scene in front of me, feeling lonely.
“I’ll be damned.” Two strong arms wrap around my waist and every single cell in my body is paralyzed. Frozen. Dead. Memories flooding like a river that will never stop. “I never thought I would see you like this again Payton. Standing by yourself, waiting for me.”
I swallow even though my throat is way too tight to handle anything.
“Get your hands off me Jimmy.” I try to move away but his hands don’t even budge on my sides.
“Come on, don’t you think it’s time to forget the past and move on. I was drunk, I screwed up. I think I apologized enough.”
“Not enough.” I spat through my gritted teeth.
“Come on sweetheart, move on, just like I have.”
Sweetheart.
I bring my knee up and aim for the one place that I know will hurt. His body moves away from me and I take off and head outside.
I run outside and turn to the right, the same direction we came from. I hear someone running behind me so I speed up and run faster. If he is running behind me that will not end well. I reach for my cell phone in my back pocket and cling to it, holding it tight in my hand ready to dial 911. I pass the fountain that I know was about half way and I push myself to run faster. So does the person behind me. Shit! I can feel my lungs burning already and I know I might not last all the way to my dorm. But I run anyway. Tears streaming over my face, vision blurry. Mind racing all over the place. Back to that horrific day, back to the first time I laid my eyes on the boy who was supposed to love me. Cherish me. Back to the night six months ago. Back to the strong hands gripping my waist tonight. Black eyes flashing at me somewhere in the middle of the memory frenzy.
I trip over the sidewalk and land on my chest. I pressed the emergency button on my phone without thinking.
“Nine one one, what’s your emergency?”
What’s my emergency? I turn around and see the darkest eyes that I ever saw leaning over me.
“I…pressed that by accident.” I manage to breathe out.
“Are you sure? We are here to help you.”
“Yes, I’m sure.” I hang up and let my head fall back to the sidewalk.
I don’t know how long I lay there, my head to dirty concrete, my body pressed firmly to the sidewalk. Tears streaming down my face.
“Are you ok?” Ryan’s concerned voice speaks over me.
“I don’t know.” I breathe out. Am I ok? I don’t know. There is too much going on in my head right now to know if I’m alright or not.
“What happened? I saw you talking with that new guy and then you ran off.” He’s brushing a few hair strands off my face and I close my eyes. Not ready to answer that question.
“Nothing…I just …I needed air.” He is looking down at me and I see nothing but his concerned eyes. His fingers tracing my face. First on my right side, then to my left. I close my eyes once again and pray to feel his fingers on my left cheek but there is nothing. Another tear slides down.
“Payton you are ok, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.” His calm voice is more than reassuring. For the first time in a long time, I feel safe. I feel like someone cares and not for the wrong reasons. “Ok? Tell me you hear me.”
“I hear you,” I whisper and look at this beautiful man above me. God, he is gorgeous. His face is nothing but sharp, lovely angles of bone. His eyes are nothing but caring at this moment.
“I just…. I’m sorry…I don’t know what happened, I guess I...“ I’m cut off by his lips covering mine. His soft, hot lips on mine. Pressing so lightly I could easily mistake them for the wind. He sucks my bottom lip into his mouth and I let him have whatever he ask for. Mouth to mouth, tongue to tongue. The dance that should never happen. The dance that I allowed because it felt too good to be stopped. His hands in my hair, tracing my face like a treasure map, searching for whatever he wants to find, and I let him. I let him search and I forgot about everything in that moment. Nothing else exists. Nothing else matters.
He pulls back for a second and looks at me, when out of nowhere my fear is screaming at me. Terrified.
I wriggle out from his arms and stand faster than I should.
“I’m sorry. Blame the alcohol.” I smile nervously and took off running.
“You drank soda Pay.” I heard him call from behind.
I guess I should lay off that as well, I say to myself while I touch my swollen lips.
“HOW DO YOU feel about a new relationship? I’m sure you will meet more than one cute boy in college.” Laura throws out the random question , not even looking at Payton.
There is a silence. Payton’s brow furrows and she rubs her right hand over the leather under her fingers.
“I…don’t plan on meeting any boys. My plan is to finish school and head over to grad school.” Laura's head rises from the papers she’s been organizing to make it look as if she isn’t asking about anything important.
“You don’t think you will be in a relationship again?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Why is that?” the question is rhetorical, she knows she would not get the answer she is waiting for but she asks it anyway.
“I will be too busy studying, that’s all.”
“You know not all boys are like Jimmy.” The horror in Payton’s eyes is so visible it hurts Laura to look at it. And yet this poor girl is sitting here, pretending that the reason she ended up in this so-called accident, has nothing to do with Jimmy. She gets up from her desk and walks over to the sofa across from Payton, sits down and looking at the broken girl in front of her. “ When the time comes, try not to compare your future to your past, try to paint on a clean, white canvas instead of covering the bad picture.”
IT’S BEEN OVER a week and I haven’t seen Ryan in class. I’m kind of relieved that I haven’t had to look at his face since my freak out and the kiss we shared.
“Don’t tell me you are going to run in this weather.” Sam is eyeing me carefully while I put my sneakers on and unplug my iPod from my laptop.
“It’s just a little rain. I will manage.” I throw a reassuring smile her way and leave the room.
I step outside and hear thunder rumble, and I shiver. I hate thunder but I know if I don’t run today I will spend most of the night turning over and over on my bed. Running became my addiction. I let everything go when I’m moving my feet forward. And that is what I need to do right now. Let everything go. Run.
I reach the running trail and I put my headphones on and let the music set the rhythm. I run at a steady pace. My hood on my head and my eyes focused on the road in front of me. I try to push everything away. Jimmy. Ryan. My past. My future. I push all of this away and do my best to keep my mind clear. Pure.
I slip on the muddy path but I manage to steady myself. Great, all I need is to fall down in that freaking mud; I think, while looking down and avoiding the watery traps. I round out the familiar curve and now I’m already five miles down but I don’t feel tired so I push for another circuit. Picking up speed, even though I should keep to the pace I was in, I run forward. A sixth mile down. The brightness of nearby lightning, flashes in front of me and I take a deep breath. I look up at the sky and I feel my foot sliding on something slippery. My ass lands in a puddle of water. Crap! I try to stand up but the pain in my ankle is unbearable. Great. This just had to be my luck. My shitty luck.
I sit in a puddle of mud, holding my sprained ankle close and curse that I don’t have my cell phone with me. Another thunder clap booms and I do my best to keep my breaths even. The rain pours harder and harder by the second as I do my best to stand up. I move my
feet slowly, trying not to put too much pressure on the right foot and my sprained ankle. I’m halfway to the dorms when I hear my name being called by Sam.
“Sam? I’m here!” I breathe a sigh of relief and sit down on the wet grass.
“Payton! Thank God! What were you thinking, running out in this weather?” She’s crouching right next to me.
“Shit! Are you ok?” She lights up her phone and directs it on my ankle. “Let me call Ryan, I can’t carry you all the way to the dorms.” Before I can say anything she is on the phone with her brother. The brother I don’t need to see. The brother she doesn’t know I kissed.
“Sam, just lend me your shoulder and we can manage.” I’m tired as hell and the last thing I want is to deal with Ryan.
“He’s on his way. He will be here any minute.” I guess my idea was no good.
“You scared the shit out of me. I tried to call your cell but it was ringing on your bed.” There is a genuine concern on her face and that makes me feel like crap.
“I was ok, till that stupid mud puddle.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Payton, you ok?” Ryan is next to us and his voice is full of concern.
“I’m fine,” I mumble feeling embarrassed.
I feel his hands touch my ankle and I swear that the heat radiates to every cell of my body.
“Shit, it’s sprained for sure.” Great, just what I needed. “Loop your hands around my neck.”
“What?”
“Wrap your arms around my neck Pay, you can’t walk so I’m going to carry you to your room and then tomorrow, the first thing you will do is to see a doctor.” I nod even though all this sounds like dry orders. Where is the guy that kissed me with so much passion a few days ago? Where is the boy who looked like he cared?
So I do what he asked me to do. I wrap my arms around his neck and the next thing I know, I’m in his arms. Maybe that’s not the most romantic situation and he carries me by necessity, not by choice, but that doesn’t stop me from hiding my face in his neck and breathing him in. I might even press my mouth to his neck somewhere between the red bench and the street light. I actually think I did it because he looked down at me and sighed.
“What am I going to do with you?” he asked when my right arm moved from his neck to his strong biceps, my mouth on his neck. I pretend I haven’t heard anything and that the rain was loud enough to make me deaf.
“I have to get going, Ryan would you take care of her?” Sam is bailing on us at the dorm door.
“Sure thing.” He says without hesitation. “Where are you going?”
“None of your business.”
“I will break his shoulder for real next time.”
“Then I will never speak to you again, and I mean it Ryan. That’s enough. I’m not a little girl anymore. In fact, you fucked like, half a campus in the past two years and yet you keep me celibate by hijacking all my relationships, don’t you think this is getting old?”
“Not with the biggest jerk on our team. Hell no!”
“Well, then I will tell Payton about every single girl you left as soon you fucked her.”
“I guess you just did, huh?”
I watch Sam smile and head away and I meet Ryan’s eyes for a second.
“It’s not like she broke some big secret to me, come on, you are pretty famous on campus.”
“Am I?”
“Kind of.” I start to laugh for no reason. All of this is way too funny. Me, spraining my ankle while running in the storm, Sam finally standing up for herself and calling her brother a man-whore in front of me. I can’t help but laugh.
“Just stop. There is nothing funny about this.”
“You’re right there is nothing funny about it.” I’m still laughing while he opens the door to my room. He walks in and heads straight for my bed. He puts me down and heads over to our tiny fridge.
“I don’t think there is any ice in there,” I say, still laughing.
“Figured. I will be right back.” He heads out the door and I roll to my side and pull the covers over me.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know my eyes open to Ryan laying next to me, his hand holding the ice pack to my ankle. I try not to freak out and I tell myself over and over in my head that this, him next me, means nothing. He is just doing what his sister asked him to do. Taking care of me.
“Why are you staring at me?” His groggy voice sounds out of place in my small bedroom.
“I’m not.” I roll to my back and stare at the ceiling. “I’m ok now so you can go.” I run my hand over my face and hope that he takes a cue.
“I’m pretty comfortable here.” He turns to his back as well.
Great.
“Seriously I mean it, I’m ok. Thank you.”
“I know you’re ok. And no worries, it was nothing.” His sleepy voice is drifting away.
“Ryan. You should go.” I nudge him with my elbow.
“Just give me a minute.” His arm swings over my waist and I stiffen. “It feels good to be close to you Pay.” He murmurs while he turns to me and his lips touch my neck.
And what I could say to that? Deny that all of this feels good to me as well? No. Tell him to get up, while I wanted him to curl closer to me? No.
It felt as good to me as it felt to him, even though he was fast asleep and most probably dreaming he was in bed with one of his blond goddesses.
I WOKE UP to a heavy weight around my stomach. I open my eyes and right next to me was none other than Ryan Scott. His right arm lying over my waist, his fingers dangerously close to the waistband of my sweats. His right leg hooked over my legs pinning me down to my mattress. His lips way too close to my face, his breath hot on my right cheek.
Jesus.
It was all too much.
I wriggle slowly down the bed when his arms tighten around me.
“How is your ankle?” What? What ankle? I wiggle my foot and it seems fine.
“Good, I guess.”
“Good,” I swear his sleepy, groggy voice was even sexier than I could ever imagine. And just when I thought that all this was too much and that his right leg ended up on mine by accident he moved his leg up and down, his knee coming all the way to my thighs and slowly moving down. He pressed closer to me and I felt his morning wood on my hip. “Sorry.” He throws in my ear but I didn’t find anything that indicated that he was sorry at all, he just smiles and presses his nose into my neck.
“Don’t worry. It’s fine.” As soon as those words left my mouth I wanted to slap myself with a brick. What the hell Payton?
“You’re fine with morning wood pressed to your hip?” He half-laughs, half teases me.
Jesus. Now I look like a cheap hooker. “No, I mean…it’s normal right? You can’t help it. That’s what you guys have to deal with on a daily basis. I don’t see anything wro...“
“No, I can’t help it.” He chuckles. “Not when I’m lying next to the hottest girl I ever laid my eyes on.”
And that’s what they all say when they are trying t get into your pants. And this one, right here, is doing nothing to break out of the pathetic breed of horny frat boys.
I grab his leg and lift it off myself, rising up from the bed.
“Did I say something wrong?” He sits up on the bed and I just shake my head walking towards the door grabbing my toiletry bag.
“Usually takes me about fifteen minutes to take a shower.” I close the door behind me, hoping he will take the hint.
I can’t stop thinking about him while I lather my skin with soap. There is no denying that there is some weird, charged air between us. Up until a few nights ago, I thought I was the only one with that feeling but the look in his eyes right before we kissed and all those tender touches he gave me last night while he was drifting away right next me, tell me that I’m not the only one feeling something.
There is a big, no, huge, part of me that is scared to even say it out loud, that I might feel something, even a tiny something, towa
rds him. I got burned so badly last time I let myself be consumed by a boy who promised me everything and more. I got scarred from all those promises. So if I would have to choose my heart or my head, at this moment I would definitely choose my head. The head is always the best, the safer way to go. It always thinks straight. It always takes all the pros and cons into consideration. It never fails you. A heart is the one that betrays you. Your heart is the one that speaks so loudly over your stoic head that you have no other choice but listen, cave in, let yourself feel, knowing that the end most likely won’t be rainbows and butterflies. So, that stupid heart, with its power to cloud your judgment, makes everything seem easy and promises you a happy ending. And you fall for it. Every damn time. Plus, you get no guarantees that when you get to the end, all cracked up and broken, that you will ever be able to be whole again. Yeah, that’s the heart all right.
So, while I stand in that shower, water cold already, I try to quieten that loud voice in my heart telling me that it’s ok, that I should forget about being strong enough to handle whatever waits for me at the end. Instead, I choose to listen to my rational head telling me that boys like him are not interested in girls like me. That definitely sounds more believable that sweet, sugary ‘fairy tale’ stories my heart was trying to sell me.
I open the door to my room and breathe a sigh of relief that he took my cue and left before I came back. I was already putting a whole speech in my head in case he would still be here. But I guess he realizes, just like me, that everything that happened was caused by emotions. Not to mention circumstances that did nothing but help the emotions get a little carried away.
I walk to the mini kitchen we set up for ourselves. I grab a box of Lucky charms and pick out every single piece of color packed marshmallow and put them in my mouth. I know I will curse myself later for not having a single lucky charm left in the box, but I don’t care. That’s my comfort food at the moment.
