The Butterfly Box_A SASS Anthology

by Anthology

  She doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t move her head in acknowledgement or bat me away playfully like she’s done the other one-hundred times I’ve told her. Her gaze is fixated on the path her finger is creating, and I smile at the pattern she’s traced.

  Without thinking, I reach over her shoulder, pressing my own finger to the glass and draw an ‘S’ on one side of the heart. I’m getting ready to draw a ‘C’ on the other side when she completely stiffens in my hold. In the time it takes me to pull my arm back, she has lunged forward, her palms flat against the glass, quickly wiping away the heart and the letter beside it.

  “No, no, no.” Her voice is shaking, and although she isn’t looking at me, I know her face is contorted in sadness. The same sadness that always accompanies her tears when she thinks of him… when she thinks of Adam. “You can’t—” Her next breath leaves her on a sob, and as she turns around, looking at me through tear-laced lashes, her entire body now trembling from the force of her emotion, she runs past me.

  She doesn’t let me hold her this time.

  She doesn’t allow me a chance to soothe the pain.

  She leaves me standing with my heart in my throat and a sick feeling in my stomach.

  The door to her bedroom slams closed, and I flinch at the sound as it reverberates against the walls of the living room. I stand still for a moment, ragging a hand through my hair and contemplating my next move, and then I take off after her. I need answers. I need her to be able to look me in the eye and speak openly to me. I need her to give me a piece of her heart, because damnit, she owns all of mine.

  Smoothing my hand down my jaw and blowing out a quick breath, I knock on the wood barrier separating us and wait for her to respond. This is her house, and although we’ve been dating for two months, the bedroom is still her space. I’ve only ever been in there on occasion, and most of the time it’s to put her to bed or retrieve something for her that she may have forgotten.

  “Cass?” I knock again. “Please open up.”

  She doesn’t say anything, and usually I’d let her be. I’d respect her decision and her need for privacy, and I’d wait for her to come out, or I’d go home and wait for her to call. But I can’t do that this time. Turning the handle, I push the door open, and my heart plummets to the pit of my stomach as I see Cassi laying in the center of her mattress, knees to her chest and face soaked with tears. Needing to be near her, I walk tentatively over to the bed and sit down beside her.

  “Hey.” I stare at her, desperate to pull her in my arms and console her. I hate that she’s hurting, and I hate that she’s taken off on me without allowing me a chance to help. “Do you want to tell me what that was all about?”

  Silence.

  Followed by more silence.

  Finally, she shakes her head.

  Elbows resting on my knees and hands clasped out in front of me, I drop my gaze to my entwined fingers and blow out a sigh. My chest is tight and uncomfortable. This is the first time it's felt that way in weeks. “I know this is about Adam. And I need you to talk to me. I need you—”

  “I don’t want to talk.”

  I close my eyes and inhale deeply, trying to remain patient. “Why not?”

  “Because I don't want to talk about him with you. I can't. Not about this.”

  Her words tear right through my chest, wrapping themselves around my heart and squeezing it like a Goddamn vice grip. It hurts. Really fucking hurts.

  “I need you to talk to me, Cassi, because right now, this is different, okay? It’s different because I can't keep doing this.”

  Flipping around, Cassi moves to sit up, her sheet clenched tightly in her hands. She presses her back against her headboard and looks at me with a frown on her lips, the tears spilling from the corner of her eyes continuing their descent down her cheeks. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  I scoot myself closer, reaching out and taking one of her hands in mine, fearing this may be the last time I ever get to touch her, and I look right into her eyes. I want her to see me. Me. Not him, but me. “Remember that day in the cafe? When I told you I saw you?”

  She gives me a small nod.

  “That day, I saw a woman who was beyond broken. A woman who thought everything good in her life had ceased to exist… but do you want to know what else I saw?”

  “What?”

  “I saw the woman who owned my heart.” Pausing, I stare down at the gentle strokes my thumb is making against her skin, and I try to put my thoughts in order. I’m going to lay it all out there for her, and I have one chance to get it right. “I didn’t think anything of it at the time, Cass, because I knew it wasn’t my heart, but it was his. It was Adam’s. It was Adam’s heart that took off in my chest every time I saw you. It was his heart that would race when I caught a glimpse of your smile or heard the sweet sound of your voice. And it was his heart that would break every time I’d see a tear fall from your eye or hear you cry.”

  I lift my head and meet her eyes again.

  “But over these last two months, I've come to realize something, Cassi. I've realized that although I have the heart of him… it's no longer his. It's mine, and I’m me. I’m Sam. I’m just a guy who is sitting in front of the woman he has hopelessly fallen in love with, hoping and praying that maybe, just maybe, she’s falling in love with him too.”

  The silence permeating the air is loud and almost painful, and I stare at this woman I've just openly poured my heart out to. I stare at the delicate lines that make up her beautiful face and the curves of her body that I long to feel pressed naked against my own. I stare at this woman who has consumed my every waking and sleeping thought from the moment I met her, who holds this place in my heart that only she can fill, and I'm hit with the sad realization that everything I feel and everything I want, it’s not enough. It will never be enough, because I'm not him. I'm not Adam. I push the words from my mouth, the very words that don't need to be spoken because they are written clear across her face.

  “But she's not, is she?”

  It comes out as a question, but I don't want her to answer. I don't want to hear her response because I already feel the pain from her expression cutting into my chest. Hearing her reiterate what is so blatantly clear would completely shred me apart.

  Sitting still, I look around the room that has the memory of Adam scattered all over it. His clothes still hang in the closet and his glasses and watch rest on top of the dresser. The smell of his cologne still lingers on the linens covering the bed for fuck’s sake, and that thought makes me sick. The bile in my stomach swirls and swooshes, ascending up my intestinal tract and burning the back of my throat, and with a sad shake of my head, I rise to my feet. I need to leave. I can’t be here anymore.

  “Sam, wait.”

  I turn to look at her, my heart constricting beneath my ribs as I catch sight of the glassy tears coating her dark brown eyes, and everything inside of me is begging me to go to her, to wrap her up in my arms and put an end to her sadness. But what about mine? Who's going to cure the pain in my heart?

  “Please don’t go.”

  “Don’t go?” My lower lip quivers, and as I pull it between my teeth in order to steady it, I drop my head back between my shoulders. I close my eyes, searching for the strength to make the right choice, to make the right decision, but I don't know what the fuck that is. I don't know what is wrong or right anymore. All I know is that loving her, while she is still wholeheartedly in love with him, is something I can't do. Bringing my head forward, I look straight at her. I look into her eyes and I speak directly to her heart, silently praying that it hears me—hears my words loud and clear. “Give me a reason to stay, Cassidy. Give me a reason to not walk out of this door.”

  I give her a moment, a moment that feels like a lifetime as I stand here watching her, waiting. The corner of my eyes begin to prickle, and the burning sensation that accompanies the formation of tears is making it difficult to keep them open and focused. I wait. And I wait. And because I’m
not ready to walk away from the best damn thing that has ever happened in my life, I make one final plea. “Please, Cass.”

  There is nothing. No words. No expressions. The only thing that exists is the feeling in my heart that I can't ever recall experiencing. This sharp, piercing ache that has managed to steal my breath and slow down my entire world.

  Is this what it feels like to have your heart broken?

  I take one final look at her, and because there is absolutely nothing left to say, I turn on my heels. I walk away from her, and as I do, my heart completely shatters.

  DESPITE EVERY CELL in me screaming at me to get up and stop him, to not let him walk out that door, I can't move. My entire body is in shock from the words that tumbled from his mouth and continue to linger in the space between my head and my ears.

  “I’m just a guy who is sitting in front of the woman he has hopelessly fallen in love with, hoping and praying that maybe, just maybe, she’s falling in love with him too.”

  He's in love with me?

  Air punches from my chest, and the tears that have been streaming down my face begin to fall even faster.

  How can he love me?

  I close my eyes and breathe deeply through my nose, attempting to force oxygen into my lungs, and I'm immediately taken back to that day, back to the night when pain and sadness had become the only emotion I was capable of feeling...

  Hand in hand, Adam and I walk toward the door, and my entire body collides with his as he stops abruptly in front of it. He turns on his heels, pressing a kiss to my forehead and running his hands up my arms until they rest on my shoulders.

  “Close your eyes.”

  My lips twist to the side and one of my brows rise as I stare at him suspiciously. “Close my eyes? Why?”

  “Why must you always question me?”

  I grin up at him. “I wouldn't be me if I didn't.”

  “No… no you wouldn't.” He laughs. “Close your eyes, Cass.”

  Pulling in a breath and huffing air from my nose, I give into his demand and close my eyes, wondering what it is he has up his sleeve this time.

  I hear the sound of the door unlocking and then feel the warmth of Adam’s hands as they take a hold of mine, gently tugging me along. There is a sweet smell in the air, something fragrant and florally, and I resist the urge to open my eyes and discover exactly what is causing the intoxicating scent.

  “What are you up to, mister?”

  “Don't open your eyes. Not yet.”

  I chuckle, the panic in his tone causing me to melt just a little as he continues to carefully navigate me around with my eyes closed. I have no idea what he is up to, but this is Adam. We've been together nearly six years, and yet he still makes an effort to surprise me in little ways, to make me feel special, even after all this time. My heart starts to speed up in anticipation, and as my mouth falls open to ask another question, the soft flesh of his mouth covers mine.

  Slow and tender, his lips coax and they tease, and his tongue takes advantage, dipping inside when I release a small whimper. Our kiss grows deeper, more urgent, and before it has a chance to progress any further, he's pulling back, leaving me feeling desperate and weak and tingly all over.

  “Open your eyes.”

  I heed his command, my lashes flicking up and my breath dying at the base of my throat. Awestruck, I stand still, my hand coming up to my mouth as my gaze roams around the space. Hundreds of rose petals in an array of vibrant colors, have been sprinkled on the floor and lay scattered about the furniture. Vases full of dozens more sit upon every flat surface imaginable. Candles of varying shapes and sizes are the only source of light, bathing the room in their subtle glow, and I can’t even begin to understand why he’s gone through all the trouble to put on such an elaborate display.

  “Adam.” My voice comes out in a disbelieving whisper. “Why did you…”

  His arms wrap around my waist, and as he yanks me against him, he drops his mouth and kisses me again, this time his movements slow and tender. I can feel his heart beating rapidly and in complete tune with mine, and the emotion that soars through me is almost overwhelming. Adam and I may not be married, let alone engaged, but this… this is forever always. This is love; happiness in its purest form.

  Pulling back—only long enough to reach in his pocket and select a song from his phone’s playlist—Adam begins to sway us back and forth, my head resting against his chest and our fingers entwined.

  “I love you, Cass. My heart belongs to you. Always forever.”

  I nuzzle my face deeper into his warmth, closing my eyes and inhaling the spicy musk of his cologne as I listen to the rhythmic sound of his heart beats. “And mine to you, Adam. Forever always.”

  I’m not sure how much time passes or how long we dance, but when the flames on the candles begin to die, some of them extinguishing completely, Adam takes my hand and walks me over to the couch. We both sit down, and normally I would curl into his side with his hand draped across my hip, but he doesn’t move to form our usual position. Sitting with his elbows resting on his knees and his face in his palms, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

  Something is not right.

  I sit nervously, a sudden dryness in my throat and my stomach swirling with unease, as I stare at the wary expression filling the lines of his face. “Is everything okay?”

  The muscle along his jaw thrums, and as he turns to finally face me, I see the fearful look in his eyes. “You love me, Cass?”

  “Of course, I love you, Adam. Why…” I turn my head, my pulse kicking up several notches as I glance back over at the man who owns me, body and soul. “What’s going on? You’re scaring me.”

  He reaches over, grabbing my hands and bringing them to his lips, placing gentle kisses against them. “I’m sorry, baby. I don’t mean to scare you. There is just something I need to talk to you about.”

  “What is it?” My voice comes out in a rush, my impatience growing at his lack of directness. “Just tell me.”

  “I’ve been offered a position in LA.”

  “LA?” My head jerks back as the two syllables fall from my mouth, and it takes a moment before they register in my brain. “As in, Los Angeles, California?”

  “Yeah.”

  I look at him, shocked—if that’s even a strong enough word to describe my reaction. “Well, you’ve told them no, right? I mean, we just bought this place. This is our home. We can’t just…” God, I don’t even know what it is I’m saying. My mind is trying to process everything all at once, and I’m waiting for Adam to say something, to reassure me that we aren’t going anywhere. “You’ve told them no, right?”

  Still, there is nothing.

  “Adam?”

  My knee begins to bounce, and I fold my arms over my chest, a sick feeling settling in my stomach.

  Pinching his lips tight, he stares down at his hands which are clasped between his knees, his knuckles drip white. “I haven’t given them an answer yet.”

  He hasn’t given them an answer yet? How could he… “Oh my God. You want to accept it, don’t you?”

  This time there is no hesitation. His reasons fall from his lips, ready to convince me this is what is best for us. “It would be a wonderful opportunity, Cass. The pay is nearly triple what I’m making now, and we can buy a new house; one much bigger. We can put this one on the market. It was a high demand property when we bought it just a few months ago, I have no doubt it will sell right away.”

  I shake my head, confused, not believing the words spewing from his lips and reaching my ears. “I don’t want a bigger house. I want this house. I want to live here, in New Jersey, where we are surrounded by our friends and family.”

  “We can come back and visit whenever you want. I’ll be making more than enough money to afford the airfare, and we can fly everyone out to us.”

  I push to my feet, pacing the floor with my hands on my hips. “Do you hear yourself right now? My job is here, Adam. My job. Here.”


  “So, you quit. It’s not exactly the job of a lifetime, Cassi. The pay is shit and there is absolutely no room for advancement. You can find something much better in LA.” The words fly from his mouth like bullets, piercing my chest in what is a deliberate attempt to pull a reaction from me, or better yet, get me to agree to his absolutely insane, not-well-thought-out plan.

  My hands curl into tight fists, my nails digging into the flesh of my palms as I fight against the hurt and frustration filling my veins. “I can’t believe you just said that. I can’t believe—” I stop short, huffing a heavy breath from my nose and clamping my mouth shut to prevent myself from saying something I might regret. Adam and me, we’ve had our fair share of arguments and disagreements over the years, but never has he said anything so hurtful. “Why don’t you tell me how you really feel?”

  “Come on, Cass, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

  I can’t even look at him right now. I can’t begin to understand why he wants to just pick up and move, to leave everything we have, everything we’ve ever known, behind. Hot and fast, tears well in my eyes, and I bite down on my bottom lip to stop it from trembling. My gaze roams over the display of roses and candles and I shake my head in disappointment, finally understanding why he felt the need to carry out such an over-the-top gesture.

  “You want to go to LA, Adam... go yourself.”

  And with that, I twist on my heels, angry and hurt, hurrying to our bedroom, not allowing him a chance to respond.

  “Cassidy!”

  I ignore him, slamming the door shut behind me and locking it. I crawl into the bed we share and bury myself under a cocoon of blankets, gripping my pillow tightly as the tears finally escape from my eyes, cascading down my cheeks.

  He knocks on the door, his voice sounding desperate. “Cassi, please.”

  “Just go away, Adam. I just want you to go.”

  An exasperated sigh penetrates through the cracks in the doorframe, and it’s only a matter of seconds before I hear his footsteps moving and the front door of our house slamming closed.